Shifted. Finally. (:

www.speakcheryl.blogspot.sg

Truly starting to believe that you don't care as much as you say you do 

Maybe you'll never know.

Sometimes I wish you were more obsessed with me than the practicality of life.

Walked past a funeral. Thought of my grandfather. Thought of the life we missed out together. Thought of his final months/days/moments and how it must have been like to have been alone during such times. Thought of the unhappiness he brought to many of his loved ones. Thought of the unhappiness they readily returned him.

Gong gong, how is heaven like? Are you happy?

Lost faith. Lost hope.

Gave up on everything.

The lack of proper and undisturbed slumber is exuding from the bergs of my complexion. With Christmas, our Bangkok trip and the New Year approaching faster than I could type, I'm still hoping and wishing for you to be back - mentally, physically, emotionally, and perhaps spiritually.

It's been too long since I had my soulmate in his truest form - mine, and yours indefinitely.

"This is how you lose her.

 You lose her when you forget to remember the little things that mean the world to her: the sincerity in a stranger’s voice during a trip to the grocery store, the delight of finding something lost or forgotten like a sticker from when she was five, the selflessness of a child giving a part of his meal to another, the scent of new books in the store, the surprise short but honest notes she tucks in her journal and others you could only see if you look closely. 

You must remember when she forgets.

You lose her when you don’t notice that she notices everything about you: your use of the proper punctuation that tells her continuation rather than finality, your silence when you’re about to ask a question but you think anything you’re about to say to her would be silly, your mindless humming when it is too quiet, your handwriting when you sign your name in blank sheets of paper, your muted laughter when you are trying to be polite, and more and more of what you are, which you don’t even know about yourself, because she pays attention. She remembers when you forget. You lose her for every second you make her feel less and less of the beauty that she is. When you make her feel that she is replaceable. She wants to feel cherished. When you make her feel that you are fleeting. She wants you to stay. When you make her feel inadequate. She wants to know that she is enough and she does not need to change for you, nor for anyone else because she is she and she is beautiful, kind and good.

You must learn her.

You must know the reason why she is silent. You must trace her weakest spots. You must write to her. You must remind her that you are there. You must know how long it takes for her to give up. You must be there to hold her when she is about to. You must love her because many have tried and failed. And she wants to know that she is worthy to be loved, that she is worthy to be kept. 

And, this is how you keep her."

Junot Diaz, This is How You Lose Her

I am older now, far much older than I wished I'd be. And sadder too - not the kind that fills your impulse with raw negative emotions, but the kind that becomes your skin. It is wrapped with the unfortunate infinite counts of subtle tragedies; the kind you stop remember it for its literal form but its dull spirit clings onto every purpose of your being; the kind of sadness that ruins any good leftover relationship.

I don't think this sadness will ever go away. It's been an unwanted companion of mine, for way too long. I don't know what else I am left to say or do.

Gong gong, it hurts that you have left. It hurts that I'll never get to even know you a little more. It hurts that I did not get to see you a last time. So amidst the tribulations I face, I'll be with you in spirit. I'll always keep the memories of you sneaking me to the phone to give my mum calls; the memories of you taking me to my mum's office to see her; of you taking me to macdonalds and making me a fat kid. I'll always remember you fondly, and will never perceive you by the person others make you out to be. May God always bless you and those whom you have loved. May God lift away your suffering and pain, and let you rest eternally in the arms of angels. May God give you the love no other human or family could ever give. May God accept the prayers of those who care. May God's grace and mercy be showered unto you.

Gong gong, I'd hope to be worthy of telling you that I love you, despite the times and memories we have missed out. I'm sorry for not being there, for not being insistent on finding you and seeing you. I'm sorry you left without me by your side to comfort you and tell you stories about our wonderful Jesus.

Rest in peace, Gong Gong. I love you.