This is one of those time when I begin repeating songs that cause my suicide hormones to activate; those times when I get depressed over absolutely at all, and I cannot derive the reason to these sudden outbursts; those times when I find myself tearing because I feel like a total failure and that everyone I know are suckers for life. They're all mad. The world is abstract and foreign. Love isn't built on expectations; I should learn to stop creating expectations for my pity-worthy boyfriend. I think I'm just plain stressed, over nothing.

Do you ever feel like breaking down?
Do you ever feel out of place?
Like somehow you just don't belong
And no one understands you

Do you ever wanna run away?
Do you lock yourself in your room?
With the radio on turned up so loud
That no one hears you screaming

No you don't know what it's like
When nothing feels alright
You don't know what it's like to be like me

To be hurt
To feel lost
To be left out in the dark
To be kicked
When you're down
To feel like you've been pushed around
To be on the edge of breaking down
When no one's there to save you
No you don't know what it's like

Welcome to my life

Do you wanna be somebody else?
Are you sick of feeling so left out?
Are you desperate to find something more
Before your life is over

Are you stuck inside a world you hate?
Are you sick of everyone around?
With the big fake smiles and stupid lies
But deep inside you're bleeding

No you don't know what it's like
When nothing feels alright
You don't know what it's like to be like me
To be hurt
To feel lost
To be left out in the dark
To be kicked
When you're down
To feel like you've been pushed around
To be on the edge of breaking down
When no one's there to save you
No you don't know what it's like

Welcome to my life

No one ever lies straight to your face
And no one ever stabbed you in the back
You might think I'm happy
But I'm not gonna be ok

Everybody always gave you what you wanted
You never had to work it was always there
You don't know what it's like
What it's like
To be hurt
To feel lost
To be left out in the dark
To be kicked
When you're down
To feel like you've been pushed around
To be on the edge of breaking down
When no one's there to save you
No you don't know what it's like

What a bugger, getting period at this point of time, when workload is hectic and exhausting. Was getting serious tremendously painful cramps this afternoon during my day shift, and I was almost shrivelling from the cramps I was getting, with no panadol to my rescue. Now I know the reason behind my unusual poor appetite I've been having for the past week.

I can't falter. I don't wish to know more than what I want to know; keep the rest of the information away from me. Nothing will shift.

Experiencing extreme exhaustion everyday, and today's no exception. I miss my boyfriend. Goodnight.

Praise the good Lord. I'm finished with 10 hours of work. My feet are sore and aching, my mind's a blank and I can't type much. I need to be on my bed desperately. Good day world.

Imagine, all that temptation I have to fight against working at Swensen's. I am going to go Swensen's and grab some ice cream, one fine day that is.

Butterflies greet at the porch
Clocks freeze
I listen to melodious tunes lingering
The winds lure me into the windows
The fragrant you carry spreads
With a touch of my hand
The solemn promise :
I love you

I'm beginning to dread being at home. Thank God there is work tomorrow, followed up by meeting the girls for movie. I would love to stay at home, without crap from anybody and everybody.

Dad, thanks for working so hard and slogging your ass out there to bring in the bread. Sis, thanks for warning me about the incident before she could go on any further with her sneakiness. Your helpfulness is gratefully appreciated. Mum, just fuck off.

My God.. It's the 14th today, and I didn't realise that until I saw it on someone's blog. This goes to show how much she's been on my mind recently as compared to before. And indeed, memories, good or bad, do fade away in time. Time does much; it heals wounds, leaving scars that probably might never hurt again. Time changes everything, doesn't it? In a 360 turn and it's already been 2 years and 3 months of her absence. Who would have ever thought the pain would seem subtle now, when 2 years and 3 months ago I intended on ending this overrated and pointless living. (Yes. Hanshen said that.) The scars will forever be there to serve as a reminder of all that turmoil that was past. Life and death working as a pair, is equivalent to so much beyond description. I still miss her, and I'm sure the others do too. I pray her Marion's mum is doing better than she was the last time I saw her..

I'll go give her a visit tomorrow morning before work.

People are unpredictable. One moment they are waiting on you because you're dying out of exhaustion and another moment they are depriving you of your little outlet on a dull Thurday (which is an off-day). I am raging with furiousity, not because of the fact that I'm not going out, for the fact that she is a selfish bitch, and being one will result in other's change of plans. My mother speaks of God as though she has seen Him, when in fact nobody has and will until death. She is fanatically involved in this whole holy-moly business till she doesn't seem to even get her facts and morals straightened out, and she is here to 'claim my life the way God wants it to be'. Fuck this God-business. With followers and 'devouts' like my mother, religion would not have any place in anybody's hearts.

Anyway, I have it all planned out - what I am going to do today since some witch ruined my plans.I am going to give my baby a bath; I am going to take baby for a walk; I am going to practice my piano; I am going to lock my ears from that bitch.

It is my third day working at Swensen's today. Dinner period was the busiest; I could hardly keep my ass in pace with the gluttons swarming the restaurant. Good news is that tomorrow is off-day for me. Due to excessive suntanning, the skin on my face is peeling and shedding and I need to get rid of that horrid look before I go for work today. I hope I don't screw up work. My body's aching and I need food; my hunger pangs are returning when it really shouldn't. I'll be on the night shift today, so it's the busiest-of-the-day-shift. They should really pay me more to take on this shift.

The day before, he and I went to catch scary white chicks. It was himbotic and hilarious. Yesterday he fetched me from work, bought a few buns to kill my hunger, and sent me home. Really sweet of him. I want to spend more time with him bad. Lethargy has caused me to turn ever lazier than I already am, and all I want to do when I get home is to sleep and bum around. I'll spend my entire day tomorrow with him. But first, I need make plans for tomorrow..