I am older now, far much older than I wished I'd be. And sadder too - not the kind that fills your impulse with raw negative emotions, but the kind that becomes your skin. It is wrapped with the unfortunate infinite counts of subtle tragedies; the kind you stop remember it for its literal form but its dull spirit clings onto every purpose of your being; the kind of sadness that ruins any good leftover relationship.

I don't think this sadness will ever go away. It's been an unwanted companion of mine, for way too long. I don't know what else I am left to say or do.

Gong gong, it hurts that you have left. It hurts that I'll never get to even know you a little more. It hurts that I did not get to see you a last time. So amidst the tribulations I face, I'll be with you in spirit. I'll always keep the memories of you sneaking me to the phone to give my mum calls; the memories of you taking me to my mum's office to see her; of you taking me to macdonalds and making me a fat kid. I'll always remember you fondly, and will never perceive you by the person others make you out to be. May God always bless you and those whom you have loved. May God lift away your suffering and pain, and let you rest eternally in the arms of angels. May God give you the love no other human or family could ever give. May God accept the prayers of those who care. May God's grace and mercy be showered unto you.

Gong gong, I'd hope to be worthy of telling you that I love you, despite the times and memories we have missed out. I'm sorry for not being there, for not being insistent on finding you and seeing you. I'm sorry you left without me by your side to comfort you and tell you stories about our wonderful Jesus.

Rest in peace, Gong Gong. I love you.

Detach; breaking away. No turning back, ever.

God comforts me, everytime you hurt me, the man who bore me.

I'll always keep you in my prayers, but I'll never let you close enough to hurt me from here on.

Serene evening with the breeze sashaying through my curtains, with my Bible, and with the melodies of Sleeping At Last serenading my thoughts. I think God is here.

I don't say this aloud often, but I do love my God. He has given me the best life can ever offer - my family, my loving dog, my wonderful boyfriend of (coming) 3 years, my free-spirited children, my sincere colleagues and bosses, and the contentment that money could never afford. 

Thank you Lord, for taking good care of me. I know for sure, that the darkest of my days are long over. I love you my dearest Father. Thank you Lord, for loving me, when I couldn't.

"Never worry about anything; but tell God all your desires of every kind in prayer and petition shot through with gratitude, and the peace of God which is beyond our understanding will guard your hearts and your thoughts in Christ Jesus.

Finally, brothers, let your minds be filled with everything that is true, everything that is honourable, everything that is upright and pure, everything that we love and admire -- with whatever is good and praiseworthy."

- Philippians 4:6-8

How cute is she after her trip to the groomer's?!

The blessings God grants us every day. Nothing short of content.

Night 2.

I miss my dad again tonight. Too tired for words. Will write another day.

I trust in You, Lord. I have been loved.

My last journey at #11-102. It's been a crazy ride but for all it's worth and no matter how bittersweet feelings may turn, God is with all of us (whether we're a literal believer or not). God is with my dad and my mum and us, and He has surely lifted what He felt wasn't necessary of a pain.

The wonderful memories sneaking back into my mind, they sometimes hold me back. But through this all, I know God has been with me come what may, and He has embraced my hurt and negative nostalgia.

I'm no longer at my old place. But my heart for a home will always be rooted in #11-102.

I love you Dad. I'm thankful you're still somewhat around so we have time to love each other still. I would really like to tell you personally, that I forgive you, because no other person love you more than your daughters. The past is behind me, although it still pains me to not be with you nearly as seldom as it used to be. I'll always be here. June will always be here. You will always be remembered endearingly to us and you will always have our love. Please don't ever become a stranger because I will try and try to be the best daughter I was made to be. I want and need to be in your life, so please don't ever exit. Lastly, and again, I love you Daddy. You've given me so much in my childhood and in my life to be thankful and happy about. You're one of God's greatest blessings to me. Don't ever give us up. I made meant and made to be your daughter and vice versa, you as my father. Thank you for life. Thank you for the joy. Thank you for everything you've ever done for me and with me. Thank you for being my daddy.

It was never the literal distance that kept us apart from one another. Perhaps all along, it was just the unsorted differences. It's nice to feel close(r) these days.

We'll keep it going, we'll be strong together, come what may.

3 more days.

Never in decades would I ever realize that I had taken such simple things for granted - peering down at Godma's, stealing peeks of void deck weddings from up here, holding little prayers in solitude as I gaze upon the darkened blankets of skies and feeling overwhelmed with contentment, taking dibs on calling out anyone who's returning home at the corridor, having my first phone calls with Ben as I hung my legs high up on the grill, the times I cried myself senselessly and took rest on my trusty couch for intimate time with God, carrying my pooch at the level of these windows whenever it rained (she loves watching the rain). So much of these memories happened here first. Bunking in with my mum the past 7 years, this was where my space of zen was.

I'll miss this forever.