I'm here just like I said
Though it's breaking every rule I've ever made
My racing heart is just the same
Why make it strong to break it once again
And I'd love to say I do
Give everything to you
But I can never now be true
So I say

I'm here so please explain
Why you're opening up the healing wound again
I'm a little more careful perhaps it shows
But if I lose the highs at least I'm spared the lows

I wouldn't know how to say
How good it feels seeing you today
I see you got your smile back
Like you say you're right on track
You may never know why
Once bitten twice is shy
If I'm proud perhaps I should explain
I couldn't bear to lose you again

Adios to week 8 and hello to week 9. I'm waving my holidays farewell and greeting the approach of the coming of Year 2. I'm afraid, to grow older, and realise being older isn't all that much fun. I'm afraid of not being able to meet up to standards and expectations, and I'm paranoid about failing in being in the tops. Competition gets tighter as you grow up, and the fight never stops, you just continue fighting until your last breathe; you fight for it. As a young teenager back then (it only seemed recent that I was younger), being older seemed ideally the best way to prove yourself, to prove to the world your mindsets mature. Now that my teenage years will almost come to an end, I'm afraid. The irony and contradiction of life. Then comes the issue of death. After a long and weary battle with life itself, you battle with death, then the One up above. I don't want to come to that day when I will be judged, and know that I will be separated from all I love for the rest of forever; Marion, my friends, my love, my family. Sometime I wish being in love and loved by a girl wasn't a sin, then I wouldn't still be holding myself back and restricting myself from getting in deeper emotionally. If only God had created me as a man, if only God had created her as a man. I have so much to fight. But right now I'm much too lazy to get into the battle.

Strength - Lord please grant me.

I rented 2 VCDs today (again). Chicago and Love Actually. Love Actually's a fantasticly romantic movie. I'll burn it and perhaps watch it with Nique some time soon. Hangover was bad, but I'm glad I'm home; kind of miss home at times.

I miss Nique.

Drinking sessions last night was tremendous havoc. 40% Barcardi and 35.8% Vodka, with 2 huge bottles of coke and a bottle of MUG root beer - it was enough to get 6 people to pour out their hearts to one another; it brought the whole drinking session into a sum-up of tears and eccentric exposure of many different things. I think I cried the most (been going through a lot of emotional confusion and depression, especially with H5 and I don't think they know even if they think they know). Beatrice has this awkward habit of playing with any toes she saw above her head. Joo was drunk and she kept insisting she wasn't, though she wasn't as drunk as I was. They had supper after we reached Joo's place but I didn't manage to join them because I fell asleep on the super comfortable bed. Dana and Nanny kept calling when I was drunk, and I'm thankful they cared. I really am. Nique sobbed so hard when I poured out stuff about how I felt about H5, she's never cried so bad in front of me before. But I'm glad she did anyway. Beatrice was great help. She tried so hard to console me, and everyone else, that she broke down. The whole gathering ended with Katong Laksa. No more alcohol for me until I learn to enjoy consuming it.

Beatrice and Joo : Thank you both for trying so hard to calm Nique and I down. Beatrice, thank you for consoling Nique and I. Joo, thank you for trying to calm things down between Nique and I at Charles and Keith's.

Nique : Baby thanks for being there when my emotional status was the shakiest. When I was lost in my own world, when I was on the verge of a break down, when I was crying out to you and my friends for attention, when I needed someone to release my frustration to when I thought I had noone, when the burden isn't bearable, you were there. That's all I need to know.

Money is important. I need to shop for clothes for Chinese New Year, I need to shop for new clothes to wear to school, I need to money to spoil my gf, I need lots of cash to help my dad's business. I am penniless currently and wouldn't mind any kind donations from the public floor. Any? Those who claims that money doesn't make the world go round, to hell with those unrealistic imbeciles.

Thank you for listening to me whine and grumble and complain. Thank you for tolerating my sudden temper shots. I'm so glad you're here, gf.

It's all about manipulating one another until you're done making full utilisation out of who you have already used. And I'm no exception; I'm one of those suckers. Sometimes I wonder if the friends I mingle and intereact with everyday are fair-weathered ones, or am I the fair-weathered friends myself. Sometimes I don't know who to turn to for company or advice. So many lies and so much pain resulted. I have kept my peace and remained silent for the fear of offending people who I claim to be able to count on for anything that crops up, be it good or bad. But in times like this, I find myself deluding further from the relationships and shying away from the people I thought were close to me. I don't know if I'm making a mountain out of molehill, but I don't like the way this whole friendship system works; it's based on only 2 to 3 members' opinions on matters. The others are cast aside. I don't know if I'm being too sensitive, but I did try my best to maintain the peace but shutting out from certain issues. All in vain perhaps. Perhaps I'm being pessimistic, but still, I don't fancy the manner we work things out. I'm finding it hard to love friends more than I already do, because it always ends up the same way, that we drift no matter how hard we try to keep things going. That is reality to friendship. For years, I've put my all into everything I've given to friends, really. I haven't given this much to my gf. But they outlooked all that invisible. After all that's been said, know what? I'm hurt, by the way my feelings are being dismissed.

I don't know what I should say further.

Subjects Selection for Semester 3

DIM2313 Internet Media Authoring 1 DipCore 4
DIM2314 IMD Project 2 DipCore 6
DVC1508 Digital Imaging DesElect 3
DIM2310 Interface Design DipElect 3
DIM2319 Multimedia Scriptwriting 1 DipElect 3
DIM2316 Web Animation 1 DipElect 3
BCM1006 Media & Society CDS 4 OR BMK2008 Buyer Behavior CDS 4

Total credit units for Semester Three : 26

SJC secondary two students were mostly over-decent looking, but they were nice and friendly people, except two houseflies (in particular) who kept bitching about my plastic-gf. Dana and Khoon Han did most of the job since there were only 2 groups. The organiser of the 'Beyond O Levels' seminar asked those who volunteered today for the touring to help out with the event on Friday, which means that I'll be getting to see gf. We did a bit of colour after the touring. We had fun with Phoebe's painting of H5. Shall put up the poster once I've uploaded it; it's pinned up on H5's cupboard. Nanny, Phoebe, Dana and I went to the carpark rooftop with our packed 7-11 cup noodles to have our dinner. The rooftop pillars were painted with creepy women which looked like pontianaks. They freaked Nanny out big time. As usual, after fagging, Phoebe and Dana had spitting sessions. Phoebe and I went to rent VCDs after that (and my piracy businesses resumed). Going to school tomorrow to speed up the progress of my typography project.

I can barely wait till Friday. Drinking sessions and staying out with Dana, Phoebe, Xav and stead, Joo and gf. I've been saving up for Friday. And oh yes, I'm done with my first monthsary gift for gf. I think it's a perfect present for her.

My mind's blown away just thinking of you. I missed you a lot today, and I still do.

Tanning with Nique's pictures up! - 250105

Fun fun fun. Tanned for more than 3 hours today, until we decided we had enough of the scorching sun. The sun burned more when we left Sentosa. My mum made economical sandwiches for the both of us, so we managed to scrimp on that bit.

A line that reminded me of LDSCHR lecturer,"It's not what your country can do for you, but it is what you can do for your country". Hearing recommendation - Auld Lang Syne(Freedom Mix) by Kenny G.

Pictures up! - 22/01/05 (Sent album-share invitation to Nique and H5. Please check your emails.)

Mum forced me to attend evening mass, but I managed to debate my way out of it. I hate being surrounded by old church fanatic fogeys. I'd really rather say my prayers and home. Glorious sun today; perfect for tanning but I'll only be tanning tomorrow. As you can see, I can't wait to get my ass there under the sun. Nothing else to blog about.