These people, are my world. These people, make my family.








It was all I could ever ask for, while it lasted. My childhood was picture perfect.

God has blessed me abundantly. I do not lack. Contentment is all there is to it. One of my biggest blessings, is my love. This boy, is the one who stole my grey skies and adorned them with flowery rainbows.

And I could not ask for more.

No stranger has loved me, more than you do and have been. My heart is inclined alongside yours, and abandonment shall and will never pose as an option towards you. You are my imperfect, perfect beautiful man.

Hear me out and believe me, because my faith in us is sturdy as a fortress. Sailing towards a lifetime, we are. Lock this promise up with me with the intertwined affinity we share.

"Always" is not a term in the list of vocabulary that is utilised and implemented very frequently by me, but be my "always". What we have is nothing short of magnificently breathtaking. Every bone and ounce of me, just wants to make you happy and wishes intently to be the cause of your smiles.

There is nothing to look back at, because all that my being wants to do is to immerse in this Present and that Future, with you.

I love you, Benjamin Tay Aik Joo.

Father Goh told us that we have given Jesus the best birthday present, by being convinced of love, but on the other hand, Jesus has given me the greatest Christmas present I could have ever received - His love and his forgiveness.

This Christmas, my intentions of rave parties and feasts have simmered to a simple desire, to celebrate the birth of Christ and to be brimmed with contentment with loved ones around me.

I want to write. I want so much to literate and have these memories of my experience with God inscripted onto a tangible vice, so that I would never forget what it felt and feels like being completely protected by Him. I want to be able to read back what amazing feels like in this breathing spirit of mine during doubtingly trying days. I want to forevermore be in this state of body mind soul and spirit. I want to remain this free. I want to be this child of God, vulerable yet unafraid. I want to always feel this love that I know would never be taken away from me, regardless of trials and tribulations my journeys may bring.

Forgiveness from the heart, is breathtakingly beautiful. The act, the notion, the genuity and the truth of forgiveness, has liberated every aspect of me - my body, my mind, my soul, my spirit. I am freed of grudges long borne toward people who caused me harm or hurt. As much as my conscious lip had me fooled into believing that I was nobody in position to grant forgiveness, I was weighed with tremendous unforgiveness towards certain people in my life. For the first time in my life, I fully comprehended and understood the meticulous sacrifice made by my Lord Jesus. A Father's love, is great and immeasurable. My Father's love, is that love. I could never view love the way I grew up generalising it as. I could never put myself through believing that love is weak. I could never tell myself, that love would depart.

Dear Jesus, thank you, for freeing me, for holding me in your warm embrace when all I reeked of were inhibitions, for touching my heart and spirit, for showing me what love is all about. My faith has been renewed, my hopes have been lifted up high, and love will carry me through this life. Teach me and guide me, to pray true and deep. I never want to lose the feeling of being close to You as I did the past 4 days. I want to relive it every day for the rest of my life. I believe I have never ever said this to You, Father, so I will start right now. I love you Jesus. I love you, like a child loves her Father and like a soul loves its Saviour.

Faith, hope, love - God, I am here believing, because I've got You.

This brokenness wouldn't leave.

The division of the flat is finalised and concluded. Less than two weeks before Christmas, yet God couldn't try His best to be more tactful towards my feelings. Perhaps it is the closure my mum needs. But right now, I'm in such a delirious state that the pain feels so surreal. There are shattered pieces of glass across the hall. I am holding onto my dog because she is the only one in this family that is still remotely fondly famliar. She is the only one at this very moment that offers and provides me comfort. She is the only one who feels humane. She is the only one that feels a better emotion called Love. There is more to fear than yet another round of physical violence and anticipation of departures. I don't want to step out and witness once more, how ugly my parents are.

You both, have broken my heart, inside out. You have mercilessly bled my soul dry. You have made me unbelonged. You have made me into a monster without control tonight.

I am human. I, too, can fall too hard. I am breakable, and I have died, again. I wish I literally could, right now.

Faith, Hope, Love, stay close. God, I need You now. Keep me sane. Keep me wanting to stay sane, because all I want now is to be taken away. I don't want to stay here. I don't want to be in this God-forsaken house. I want to ruin myself. But above all, I need to reserve control against what I feel now. So God, where are you now?

I am but a piece of shattered glass on that floor.

I want to share a kiss with you under the mistletoe. I want to cook for you. I want to bake for you. I want to say silly things to cause your laughters. I want to learn the guitar from you. I want to defend you, under any circumstance. I want to be the reason of your smiles and the cure to your pains. I want to do so much with and for you, to add on to our happy memories together.

I need to. I love you so very dearly, Benjamin Tay. You hear me?

You're my superman. With you, I'll never be unhappy or lost again.

The Saturday night of the forth of December this year, my love for you collided into its revelation and snapped into maturity. From the cautious and guarded 'love' it once was, it has transcended into an unfathomable force of blind power - one so impaired to implement forceful control. Today is the day, of the commence of the bearing of that invincible love, a love that would never be retracted come what may. I'd never feel whole or complete without you from here on, and from here on, I'd be lost and distraught if you would ever forsake me. This day is one, that you would forever more note and remember having concrete access to the deepest recesses of my soul - the best of me, and what used to be the handicapped giver in me that was thought to be lost. Every guarded fortress met their respective exhaustion. Admittingly, I am weary from resisting and distrusting you for no rhyme or reason.

Damage now poses as the biggest danger you could ever put me through, but I'd still choose to love you all over again.

Ben, you are my good karma. You are that good karma that I've been dumped so many times for so that I could meet you someday. You are the good karma I have earned, after paying back for the many hearts I have broken. You are the one who unexpectedly, walked right into my life to heal me. You are the only one I wouldn't plunge into loving, but would be the only one that I'd wind up loving for a lifetime. You are the only one, who would undoubtingly protect me with every ounce of your might and will. You are the one, who would never intentionally hurt me with your lips and your bare hands. You are the only one, after unpredictable twists of fate all this while, who would fight for me and share the fight for love with me.

Perhaps it's as true as it feels deep, that my exception has finally knocked my door.



You happened, to me. Happy first monthsary love. (:

Home is where your heart is, and in Benjamin's heart, I am safely home.

My youth has been maxed out re-writing all types of resolutions for a broken home, a detailed and meticulous wreckage that was not my doing. Years that belonged to me, have been inserted into an accumulation of nearly a decade, in making up and compensating for mistakes that were never made by me. These are not my sins and blunders. These are not my worries to weigh me with age of every form. Life-changing sacrifices have been made on my part. What else am I lacking in the doing and the giving?

Home is where the heart is. Where's my heart?

The air is crochetted with nightfall and a thick spread of solace. All grim faces lace away in a wash of an eye's blink. Wretchedness no longer prevail in these recent days. Felicity floats lightly and sweeps across as smiles in snippety whiffs of saccharine.

Woman meets a beautiful man with a beautiful soul. Woman falls in love with the beautiful man's beautiful soul.

Woman loves beautiful Man. I love you.

Sinus' visit is so bad tonight, my body has concluded in losing so much fluids via my nose. To worsen circumstances, my tattoo is itching up a storm and all I want to do is bark my back up against a rough wall. With additional causes of insomnia (or being unable to crash into unconsciousness for the night), checking out atrological compatability seems to be the next best thing to do while munching on oreo cookies.

Ben and I spent a solid total of 4 hours over the phone this evening. We have been counting down the days to the Christmas party and our Bangkok (virgin overseas) trip. 24 more days to Christmas and 25 days to our flight to Bangkok!

Sometimes, it seems so silly (and almost foolish) to me that you are giving and compromising so much for me and for us. Other times, I am drawn into a conscious belief that I must've been a really kind and good person that God allowed to let us meet, in the oddest of places. Which ever the actual reason(s) to all this amazing progress we're making together in this relationship may be, we're in a great place. I'm in a perfect place in life now. Thank you, for enduring me for these months now and for being ever-so patient. I was the first girl you'd ever love and those were emotionally dangerous risks you took by waiting by for me to be ready. You took the plunge of risking on any way. So thank you, for not giving up on my ability to love and for seeing the best in me when I was distraught.

I kinda love us.

You are due for home. Anxiousness has been causing me to jump up at every text or call today. But no, none of them were from you. Not a word for 3 entire days now.

Did you even try?

I can't imagine life without you both. I'll always have your backs.

Love of mine, today is my best friend's birthday. You should have been there with us this evening. It was lovely, and overwhelmed with familial affections and friendship. It felt like a feast with friends who have known each other forever. This has been repeated over and over via various forms of media, but this birthday of Dana's is the 6th birthday that I am celebrating with her.

All in all, wished you were there.







I love you best friend. May we celebrate our future birthdays together, for the rest of our lives. Happy birthday Dana. (:

Living a woven fairytale; dreaming of ominous storms.

Slumber has been visited by hauntings of people of individual pasts, juxaposed and collectively into one unconscious story.

God, I miss Ben so mightily much, and admitting it to friends isn't making it easier to miss him less.

Day 1 of you being out of town. You are sorely missed, dearest.

I know how excited you were (for and with me) about my new tattoo, and I know how much you wished to have gone through this experience with me. It means a lot - your eagerness, your support, and your need to be with me through this.

Here it is.

My iPod nano has been uselessly shelved away for the past half a year because I have been too lazy to simply plug it to my laptop and update my playlist. So much has transitioned and transcended these six months, apart from my music taste. The year is closing in to an end. There is plenty to be reviewed and reflected. As much as my youth will be dearly missed, the rest of a lifetime awaits me.

It is finally the to let go of a lifetime of what ever I've still been holding on to.

Languished, and sleeping with the idea of you being around. Encompassing the illusion of this notion shall pass. Needing you like that, cannot make me. Pining for your physical presence cannot be how my nights are insomniacly dispensed. My ever-ready convenience is always going to put me through this exact sick cycle carousel.

Too weak to escape feelings, too strong to pour my heart all over the table; my limbo on love.

I pray that with me, you'll never have to fake a smile or hold a tear back. I pray that, you'll always be my vulnerable and beautiful other half, because that will be what keeps me standing by you, knowing that you love me adequately to trust me with your fragility. And above all that, I pray that I am giving my utmost to make you happy.

I want to have made you happy yesterday. I want to make you happy today. I want you make you happy tomorrow. I want all of your yesterdays, todays, and tomorrows with me to be happy.

You have been unconditionally doing all that for me for months now. I have put you through a fair measure of my temperaments and cynicism. And when all I had were abilities and capabilities of hurling my inhibitions back your way, you said to me,"if you don't believe in love, believe in us."

I'll always want to make you happy, but I'll always, too, have extreme inhibitions of emotional attachment and departures. You have been notified of the stories of me growing up and of me being a grown-up. This is the risk you will have to take by affirming your choice of being with me - also being in love with the vulerablility in me of fearing.

Could it be, that it is not improbable for grown-ups to uncover their soulmates? Could it be, that the vulnerability I saw in your soul through your eyes was the utmost truest daze of affinity I would ever witness from a man to a woman?

Romance and chilvary and magic happen when you're around - like the times when music literally plays when we step into a place, and like the spellbinding moment of enchantment we shared just having the whole cinema to ourselves while slinking back in pleasant disbelief of the coincidence of it all, and like shooting at stars while we laid on the breakwaters, and like madly giggling at our first utters of loving words. There is plenty to recount but there is the gist of this incessant rambling is that there is magic.

Apprehension was so large a focus and lost was the point of what remained before me. Doubt was my priority all this time, yet you taught me new findings about enduring and believing every day. With you and through you, I am learning the art of being thankful for my daily blessings.

You are the coolest boy I'll ever love. You're the purest man I've ever met. You're the most romantic guy who's ever loved me. And I should be so lucky, that I'm the first girl you've ever loved.

We wear the same sunshine when we busk in this love.

Benjamin Tay, be my beautiful little boy always.





"I love you oh so well, enough to fill up heaven, overflow, and fill hell." -Dave Matthews

I was on Youtube searching for Lady Antebellum's videos, when I chanced upon comments that struck my empathy bone. Take a look at the screen-capped image attached to this post. It moved me deeply, and maybe it would for you too.


(Click on image to enlarge.)

Indeed and truly, love is a universal language. It awes me, how media such as Youtube gathers people of this globe of mankind to spiritually know people better, albeit probably never being able to meet one another face-to-face.

Make an unconditional (little) prayer for someone else, because God knows, somebody in this world has read your struggles or somehow heard of your pain, and has secretly prayed for you without you ever being able to physically know.

After all, all I intended to do was to surf for music videos. And I found a Godly kind of invincible human love.

Someday, you would stop reading this. Someday, none of these would continue to matter. Someday, you would stop laughing at the little things I say. Someday, you would stop possessing the ability to be moved by anything I do. Someday, you would stop writing silly love songs and poems for me. Someday, you would regret promising me a forever. Someday, you would stop noticing me and anything that concerns me. Someday, I would have made you my world and you would have made me an option. Someday, I would end up loving you more than you could ever bring yourself to love me.

That Someday, would be the day I would be crushed and devastatingly alone in this, just like before.

This is all there is to my cards. This was and is how I died and survived death. I can't afford to die once more.

Pictures of people taking
Pictures of people taking
Pictures of people taking pictures

I pictured us at the end of time
Holding up a camera to our eyes
I took a picture of you took a picture of me
In the back ground of the picture
Was water running to the sea

So I pictured us standing there
Staying away from time
Watching it like a river
As it slowly washes by

And now
Pictures of people taking
Pictures of people taking
Pictures of people taking pictures

The feed back loop
Is closing in so tight
Surrounding ourselves
With satellites

But I picture us standing there
Staying away from time
Just watching it like a river
As it slowly washes by

And now
Pictures of people taking
I pictured us at the end of time
Taking pictures of nothing


Jack Johnson - Pictures Of People Taking Pictures

Oh, you're such a pretty thing, I'll take you and I'll make you all mine.
I will steal you from this patient world that'll chase us, it could never take you back.
And I know you know me well enough to know I'm lucky to have you.
But all these are just the little things, the words that I should tell you all the time.
You're so sweet to me when you beat me in doubles solitaire.
You're so sweet to me in a world that's not always fair.


Lost is the number of recallable counts you have taken my breath away. My mind is attempting to conjure a brilliant brew of impressive words to tingle your heart, but the sentimental fool in me is resigning to the simple wonder of how amazing it feels to be thinking of you.

Happiness actualizes whenever you're around, whether in thought or presence. Indites deem themselves superfluous. They just don't make the cut for anything and everything that we functionally are. But for what it's truly worth, I love you and I love us.

I found you and you found me, in the oddest of unexpected places and circumstances. God has been generously doting.

Feels like the best week of my 23 years. (((:






(Fucking love all of you so fucking much.)

Yesterday, I was grateful for knowing an extremely caring batch of poly friends, who got together to visit a friend who suffered a burst blood vessel of a blood clot in his brain. Yesterday, I was grateful for a friend not being subjected to the fate of being paralysed. Yesterday, I was grateful to be having beer and pizza with my closest girlfriends (Dana and Phoebe) from school. Yesterday, I was grateful for having my first listen of Button's warm giggles.

Today, I am grateful for the thought from Carmen for buying a hat from Bangkok for me. I am grateful for the great dinner and coffee session with her great company. Today, I am grateful that Button read my previous entry and for him appreciating my weak words. Today, I am grateful that Button called surprisingly earlier and kept me company while I was on the way home, through the phone.

Me: ''It was fucking unglam getting drunk and falling down while dancing with you for the first time.''
Button: ''No it was very memorable. It was the first time I ever picked you up.''

I will always backtrack and (very) dearly think of this as the sweetest thing any guy has ever said to me.

Here in my hand, a lit cigarette. Here on my table, a debris of busy deeds, nagging bills and hefty letters from lawyers. Here in my palms, the powerful mind inserted into pensive inscriptions. Here in my heart, lives contented love and gratitude.

Here are my days, splashed with spectrums of millions of rainbows. Charted new days of calendars frolick about chirpy remembrances of many splendid yesterdays. Songs are played on repetition, and my spirits delight to them, along with the fondest linkages of nostalgia. The bus jerks along with mass motion, but my soul sets at peace against the rest of the bustle of the world. My tiny feet shuffles with haste, but my mind doesn't follow suit. My mind is calm, like an infinite sea. The children of many strange adults dance to their collective child-like muse, and I am surprised to discover that I skip with them. I'm in yet another bus and before the realisation of clocking time strikes me, I am back home.

Luxurious dawdling and idling waste me hours. A text arrives. Maybe a call.

This is where and when, the happiest moments of my every single day happen. The shift of another kind of happiness and love heighten. There is glee in our voices. Our intentions coincide and our intentions meet. We chat endlessly, and it feels like you're right beside me immersed in another brand new happiest memory of my life. I am brought to various scenes, maybe a walk along the shores of a rimless beach, or sitting and serenading on a swing at a chromatically-vibrant park, all with you. Just like that, minutes turn into hours, and there is instilled conviction; there and then in the clutch of seconds, these affirmed moments of days being with you, are the happiest of every day.

Doubt is not quite done with me, but neither is Faith. And maybe it's true afterall, that love is kind.

Hi, I've missed you greatly. Sleep tight and dream sweet.

Sitting beside you in school,
While we'd paint I'd make you laugh.
Mine was never very good,
Yours looked exactly like the photograph.
Looks like I'm growing, I'm growing up beside you.

I don't always get the way you feel,
But now I've learned to live with that.
It's like I'm a part of something real.
I was hittin' the bottle, now I've broken the seal.
Looks like I'm growing, I'm growing up beside you

And the sun sets the scene,
While the rain misses me.
And all the time I'll be growing, growing up beside you.

Oh, The sun sets the scene,
While the rain misses me.
And all the time I'll be growing, growing up beside you.


Paolo Nutini - Growing Up With You


This genius, is way underrated. He's an amazing singer and songwriter. Bonus fact is that he's Scottish.

The foolish fool gets the night bruising up by visits of familiarity. Familiarity can pose largely apprehensive to anticipate, like a recurring ailment. Repetitive occurences have apparently not taught me sufficiently and adequately, to stop me from making the same mistakes in the name of affinity (and what ever that comes close to it). It hurts to have to admit being wired to insisting on staying this stubborn, and learning that the vicious cycle has replayed itself in its exact presentation once again. I find myself in a state of needing to recover and pick myself up.

Strength is never strength when it is easy for anyone to strike you down. So yes, there hasn't been the slightest progress since the trying of the regaining of my self-love. I sit here, penning down opinions of shame and disappointment, towards myself.

I used to staunchly, be in love with the idea of being in love. I was love's greatest fan and believer. That was one of the most endearing trait in me that would keep me rooted to the ground.

Now do you see how scary love can turn out to be? It turned me against itself.

I was perched outside in the pouring rain
Trying to make myself a sail
Then I'll float to you my darlin'
With the evening on my tail
Although not the most honest means of travel
It gets me there nonetheless
I'm a heartless man at worst, babe
And a helpless one at best

Darling I'll bathe your skin
I'll even wash your clothes
Just give me some candy
Before I go
Oh, darling I'll kiss your eyes
And lay you down on your rug
Just give me some candy
After my heart

Oh, and I'm often found explaining
But to her it plays out all the same
and although I'm left defeated
It gets held against my name
I know you got plenty to offer baby
But I guess I've taken quite enough
well I'm some stain there on your bed sheet
You're my diamond in the rough

Darling I'll bathe your skin
I'll even wash your clothes
Just give me some candy
before i go
Oh, darling I'll kiss your eyes
And lay you down on your rug
Just give me some candy
After my hug
i know that there are writings on the wall
But darling I'll bathe your skin
I'll even wash your clothes
Just give me some candy
After my hug

I'll be there waiting for you
I'll be there waiting for you

All the cut throats and their jagged ends-
all of them have got me waiting and waiting
All the cheap and sugary philosophies
have got me on the fence just waiting and waiting
All the Angels and their halo's all of them
have got me waiting and waiting


Paolo Nutini - Candy


My wedding should like this. My wedding video should be filmed like this. My wedding dress should look like this. This is the happiness my wedding should wear - a simple kind of amazing.

Happy 21st birthday Mummy. I hope you had a fantastic one. I love you, and always will. (:

On the first page of our story, the future seems so bright.
And this thing turned out so evil, I don’t know why I’m still surprised.
Even angels have their wicked schemes and you take death to new extremes.

But you’ll always be my hero, even though you lost your mind.

Just gonna stand there and watch me burn,
But that’s alright because I like the way it hurts.
Just gonna stand there and hear me cry,
But that’s alright because I love the way you lie, I love the way you lie.
I love the way you lie.

Now this gravel in our voices, glass is shattered from the fight.
In this tug of war, you’ll always win, even when I’m right.
Cause you feed me fables from your hand,
With violet words and empty threats and it’s sick that all these battles are what keeps me satisfied.

So maybe I’m a masochist
I try to run but I don’t wanna ever leave.
Til the walls are goin’ up in smoke with all our memories.

This morning, you wake, a sunray hits your face
smeared makeup as we lay in the wake of destruction
hush baby, speak softly, tell me you're awfully sorry that you
pushed me into the coffee table last night so I can push you off me

try and touch me so I can scream at you not to touch me
run out the room and I’ll follow you like a lost puppy
baby, without you, I’m nothing, I’m so lost, hug me
then tell me how ugly I am, but that you’ll always love me

then after that, shove me, in the aftermath of the
destructive path that we’re on, two psychopaths but we
know that no matter how many knives we put in each other’s backs
that we’ll have each other’s backs, ’cause we’re that lucky
together, we move mountains, let’s not make mountains out of molehills,
you hit me twice, yeah, but who’s countin’
I may have hit you three times, I’m startin’ to lose count
but together, we’ll live forever, we found the youth fountain
our love is crazy, we’re nuts, but I refused counselin’
this house is too huge, if you move out I’ll burn all two thousand
square feet of it to the ground, ain’t shit you can do about it
with you I’m in my f–kin’ mind, without you, I’m out it

Just gonna stand there and watch me burn,
But that’s alright because I like the way it hurts.
Just gonna stand there and hear me cry,
But that’s alright because I love the way you lie, I love the way you lie.
Ohhh, I love the way you lie.
I love the way you lie.


Rihanna Ft Eminem - Love The Way You Lie Part II

Pain and love and faded scars, together, will always relate to you.

The loss, of being displaced in a dilemma if detachment is the best solution to this. You are painted before me like a dream comprising of innocence and joy in purest form. You aren't perfect, like all others, but you're certainly and absolutely, far nearer to perfection than I'll ever be. There is more that is required to meet the criteria for necessity. Still, this lingering inhibition is worrying my clouding mind and heart. Time, will indeed prove multitudes of what has been spoken.

But until then, I do like you, so much. This much is true and knowingly acknowledged.

Day Nine: Two smileys that describe your life right now.
1. (:
2. =D

Day Ten: One confession.
1. I have a dark secret that I will never divulge, not even when I am in the drunkest of stupors.

I remember thinking
I'll go on forever only knowing
I'll see you again
But I know
The touch of you is hard to remember
But like that touch I know no other
And for sure we have danced
In the risk of each other
Would you like to dance
Around the world with me

I'll be falling all about my own thing
And I know you're the heaviest weight
When you're not here that's hung
Around my head

And your lips burn wild
Thrown from the face of a child
And in your eyes
The seeing of the greatest view
Do what you will, always
Walk where you like, your steps
Do as you please, I'll back you up

I remember thinking
Sometimes we walk
Sometimes we run away
But I know
No matter how fast we are running
Somehow we keep
Somehow we keep up with each other


Dave Matthews - I'll Back You Up


I miss you.

Happiness looks so beautiful on you. Happiness on you, took my breath away.

Just like magic, that phased out too many years ago. This innocent enigma, caught me by surprise and off-guard.

This happiness is intimidating, because it has become bigger than me. Vulnerability has suddenly become less than a stranger. Am I safe?

Day Seven: Four turnoffs.

1. Body odours.
2. Excessive body hair.
3. Bad hold of the English language and its proficiency.
4. Sloppy presentation and hygiene.

Day Eight: Three turn ons.

1. A natural and beautiful smile.
2. Preppy/Indie dressing sense.
3. Musical inclinations.
4. Mild and honest vulnerability.

Day Six: Five people who mean a lot. (in no order whatsoever)

1. Mum
2. Sis
3. Dad
4. Dana
5. Potato

Day Four: Seven things that cross your mind alot.

1. I feel fat so I probably look fat.
2. I need to stop shopping online.
3. Should I run?
4. Wondering if you're thinking of me as constantly as I do of you.
5. Must stop drinking so much at parties.
6. Life is too good to let a man matter enough to make it suck.
7. Need to facebook. Need to tweet.

Day Two: Nine things about yourself.

1. I have a feint scar on the left side of my nose from removing my nose piercing. Yes, I had a nose piercing.
2. My tattoo acts as a constant reminder that I must carry my cross virtuously, regardless of difficulties.
3. My current occupation and location of teaching, makes my job my dream job.
4. I have developed a love for running because it is the only way I will allow myself to vent emotions out consciously.
5. I love children, and I'm really good with them.
6. I love baking and cooking, and I have tons of books on these topics.
7. I am a hopeless romantic, who is deeply drawn to dark romance.
8. I am a gentleman at heart.
9. I am a horoscope junkie, but I've learnt to deviate from my Gemini characteristics.

Day Three: Eight ways to win your heart.
1. Never be too nice and never going extremely all-out, yet never be a jerk.
2. A beautiful and deep mind that mutually coincides with mine.
3. Communicate with me. Hold deep conversations.
4. Be here for me. Be here with me. And even if you can't, beat yourself up about it because you need/want to, that much.
5. Look at me and truly believe that I am beautiful, inside and out. But never (even if so), tell me you are in love with me because I look beautiful.
6. Never take me lightly. I word my speeches and questions in riddles, but I am always indicating or referring to something.
7. Don't be a bore. Monotony's not my cup of tea. Not one bit.
8. Romance. Never let that die out.

10 day challenge.

Day One: Ten things you want to say to ten different people right now.
Day Two: Nine things about yourself.
Day Three: Eight ways to win your heart.
Day Four: Seven things that cross your mind alot.
Day Five: Six things you wish you'd never done.
Day Six: Five people who mean a lot. (in no order whatsoever)
Day Seven: Four turnoffs.
Day Eight: Three turn ons.
Day Nine: Two smileys that describe your life right now.
Day Ten: One confession.

Day One: Ten things you want to say to ten different people right now.

1. Thank you for promising to be patient with me, and to willingly offer to wait it out for/with me. It hasn't been too long but we're waiting it out. Without promises, you're still here protecting me. I can't wait for all our plans to materialize and be executed.
2. We gave and we took, each at different parts of our lives, throughout those years. And nothing about that gives you the divine right to hate me. We did hurt one another, to farthest extreme ends. But don't ever forget, that you did it last to me. We were young, and ever so foolish. I did what I had to, to move on. I've wished you happiness for years now. It's time you did the same for me.
3. You have always been the one to receive my deliriously devastated self with loving arms and spirit. I don't think I could live without you. I do hope I am cherishing you to my very own optimum.
4. I don't know which light holds your impression in me anymore. It has fluctuated far too many times beyond count. I don't know if forgiveness is the right word I should be working hard towards when it comes to you. But I know I need to start trying.
5. You, broke me the hardest. You have always been aware of that ability, yet you took that to your sole advantage. Now I can't even remember how I ever got anywhere with you. You're a terrible excuse for a human being. You ought to realise that.
6. Through some force of warped unexplainable nature, we'll always run back to each other, no matter what. I'll always be here to protect you. (You make me laugh the hardest, always.)
7. You have been the second greatest friend any living person could ever have. I am grateful for the mutual friendship we share that stands tighter now, than ever. Someday, you'll be the Godpa to my children and I, the Godma of yours.
8. You have waited it out for a long time. In fact, the longest anyone has, for me. But we cannot be what we are not meant to be. But I'll always be your friend, if you'll have me. Trust me, I'm a keeper for a friend.
9. I miss you, so much, everytime I think of you. The scarring pain has began fading away, but I know we're still connected, in the strangest of ways. I'll see you someday, somehow. God will let us meet again.
10. Deep down, I really hope you'd wake up and stop living in so much delusional ideations of twisted relationships. You're a great man, so stop picking those with most insane of characters. There is not a single bone of yours that is unkind, and you do deserve better.

It's a choice to stay
It's a dream yeah and I wanna wake
You have blood on your hands and I'm feeling faint
And honey yeah, you can't decide

I'm a drug you don't wanna give up
Smoke your cigarette and make your love flow
You poured blood in my heart, I can't get enough
I'm drowning and you can't decide

It's not about geography or happenstance
You need to fly and take a chance
You don't need to soar to emptiness
And float on high and forever dance alone
You're scared 'cause I feel like home

I hear your voice and I knew right away
If you were here what your eyes would say
I have blood on my feet as I walk away
Rivers are red, it's starting to rain

I'm not gonna live for you or die for you
Won't do anything anymore for you
Because you leave me here on the other side
You leave me here on the other side

I won't live for you or die for you
Won't do anything anymore for you
Because you leave me here on the other side
Oh, you leave me here on the other side

I won't live for you or die for you
Won't do anything anymore for you

I'm not gonna shed one more tear for you
Shed one more tear for you
I'm not gonna shed one more tear for you
At least not 'til Sunday afternoon, Sunday afternoon


Rachael Yamagata - Sunday Afternoon

Things I am happy and grateful for/about this week:

• My kids at the international school has been obedient, and they have been improving so rapidly over the past couple of weeks. In addition, lessons with them are always fun and chipper. These kids make me happy so easily.
  
• My tutee did a drewing for me to welcome me into her house. She practiced her pieces.
• My other tutee (the above's brother) is nearly ready to take his virgin ABRSM theory examinations and I'm certain he's going to score me some pride with a distinction.
• Dana spent the night at my place last night after boozing at the pavilion for a bit. It felt like living the reminiscing, just conversing and doing nonsense until the crack of dawn. Time with her made me appreciate and cherish my loved ones, a lot more.
• I'll be giving a garage band crash course to my very own primary school (CHIJ Katong Convent). Am extremely proud of myself. This one week of crash course lessons is equivalent to earning my moolahs for the entire month. Go figure the numericals.
• My stamina has improved from consistently going for weekly runs. I've hit 3 laps now. It's just going to get better.
• Pay's arriving!
  
• Crazy partying with the buddies and long time friends!
  

What if we stopped having a ball
What if the paint chips from the wall
What if there's always cups in the sink
What if I'm not what you think I am
What if I fall further than you
What if you dream of somebody new
What if I never let you win and chase you with a rolling pin
Well, what if I do?

Cause I am giving up on making passes
and I am giving up on half empty glasses
and I am giving up on greener grasses
I am giving up

What if our baby comes in after nine
What if your eyes close before mine
What if you lose yourself sometimes
I'll be the one to find you safe in my heart.

I am giving
I am giving up on greener grasses
I am giving up
for you.
I-I am giving up for you
I am giving up


Ingrid Michaelson - Giving Up

Everytime recollections of past hurt re-ignite, the familiar vulnerability takes another visit down pain's lane. Emotions are foolish lee-ways of complacency - a type that overlooks all roughs of journeys towards staunch control. Even if they are not, emotions seem to play the leading roles of liabilities more than any single mentionable form of comfort. Too long have I been evading matters of the heart, and my complete control has been a form of favourite comfort. It took three trying months to get past constant wantings to ruin myself, to finally have me composed to this safe and confident person that makes me now.

Tonight, I am being reminded of a brokenness not too distant. I am weak, because I have loosened my grip of that control. This how being capable of profoundly feeling plagues me.

You and your beautiful mind, are greatly akin to a dark and infinite lullaby. One that romances me in deeper, one that will strike me weaker. Your thoughts remain enigmatic to me, the irony that revolves around you has had my fascination encapsulated. Still, my forts erect with unbreakable resistence. A heart, can indeed possibly be hard, and encaptured, all at once; of knowing of an astounding capability, yet declining opportunities for another dose of profound mystery.

Happiness is the art of being broken ~ Bruce Dawe

Happiness is the art of being broken
With least sound. The old, whom circumstance
Has ground smooth as green bottle-glass
On the sea's furious grindstone, very often
Practise it to perfection. (For them, death
Is the one definitive shrug
In an infinite series, all prior gestures
Take relevance from this, as much express
Sorrow for stiff canary or cold son.)

Always the first fragmentation
Stirs us to fear...Beyond that point
We learn where we belong, in what uncaring
Complex depths we roll, lashed by light,
Tumbling in anemone-dazzled fathoms
Seek innocence in surrender,
Senility an ironic act of charity
Easing the agony of disparateness until
That day when, all identity lost, we serve
As curious for children roaming beaches,
Makeshift monocles through which they view
The same green transitory world we also knew.

Don't yearn to break my walls down. Accept me for my strength of a defence mechanism. And if it's meant to be, my forts of guards will crumble. We'd just have to wait.

Good times. Live it up, while singlehood still stands. (:












September this year was by far the best month I have ever had as a single woman. The rest of 2010 is injected with endless glee and opportunities. I am thrilled to also announce that the company has offered me a contract with my former primary school. I've long wanted to teach in a convent school, what more the privelege of teaching in one that brought me up to somewhat be the person I am now.

Zoukout happens in December too. That would be my very first Zoukout experience. Guetta is spinning! I am brimmed with exhileration. Can't wait.

Life's been so awesome, words can hardly measure up to its extent. I hope it stays this way.