I've been spending some time reading archives of old blogs, mine or not, and here I am penning down thoughts of the aftermath of that. I began browsing through writings of 2008, while my heart very much belonged to a girl whom I believed to be the love of my life. In fact, I've been consuming myself with my love for being in love that it clouded my judgment towards many of the people I have thought myself to 'love'.
It has been 3 years since I walked the path of being straight. I won't facade the truth and deny that it wasn't hard turning straight. It was lonely and bittersweet. Friends were scarce because we didn't share that common sexuality preference. I walked into heterosexuality practically naked, figuratively. I grazed my days working away from home just to steer clear of comfort; that familiarity of my old life.
Re-visiting all those years of my life via blog posts gave me a deeper closure in many ways. And believe me, even after years of being a stranger to homosexuality and my ex-girlfriend, I am thoroughly guilty of having done the worst things in my life. One of the largest misdeeds in this 24 years of my life, is to have hurt a girl in such a way that I am still responsible for the inflictions I caused. That, is a baggage I'll always carry under my belt. And if she ever reads this, I hope she knows that I am sorry, so very sorry, and that I seek forgiveness.
Looking at the way things are now, I can safely and confidently proclaim to myself that I am contented, no matter how rough things may get. I am 24, earning my own keep, paying the bills at home, partially supporting my mother, grateful for my job of 2 years, blessed with an old new Godfamily, and sharing a blissful imperfect perfect relationship with a very beautiful man.
When I trace back and reminisce about my past relationships, I am strickened with a heavy heart. This heart fills with regret, guilt, sadness, pain, anger, bittersweetness, angst, and even hate, whenever it is mentioned alongside past relationships. When I think of what I have with Ben right now, what comes to mind is an imperfect perfect relationship. But for what it's worth, I believe I have found the only guy in this world, who'll always run back to me. In my books, it's not in the unforgiveness of walking away, it's the walking back that counts; it's not about the fights, it's the making up; it's not about the winning, it's about returning into each others' arms and feeling grateful to the heavens that there is still fight for love.
I no longer thrive on that darkness which felt so good, so comfortable. Gone are the days when I doubt more than I believe. I have Ben, and he is my pillar. And I hope to be his too. For the rest of our lives. No regrets. And I'm happy with my lot.