Congratulations to all of you. And congratulations, especially to my sweetheart Benjamin Luke and June! I'm indeed overjoyed to be able to witness such a solemn and grand moment of your lives. I love you both very much.
Sunday, March 31, 2013
The elects of LOVE group has officially been baptised! We have Luke, June, Jasmine and Augustine. Easter Vigiil/Baptism has thus far been the highlight of my year.
Congratulations to all of you. And congratulations, especially to my sweetheart Benjamin Luke and June! I'm indeed overjoyed to be able to witness such a solemn and grand moment of your lives. I love you both very much.
Congratulations to all of you. And congratulations, especially to my sweetheart Benjamin Luke and June! I'm indeed overjoyed to be able to witness such a solemn and grand moment of your lives. I love you both very much.
Wednesday, March 27, 2013
Mark the date!
News flash!
Ben and June are getting baptized this Saturday! That's clearly so much to celebrate and be joyous for! I still have yet to come up with gifts adequate enough for two baptisms.
God has been amazing, now all that's left to do is to be thankful.
Ben and June are getting baptized this Saturday! That's clearly so much to celebrate and be joyous for! I still have yet to come up with gifts adequate enough for two baptisms.
God has been amazing, now all that's left to do is to be thankful.
Saturday, March 23, 2013
Too many memories, in every page I try to recollect and preserve. Every circumstance and person appear questionable - of their intentions, of their truest worth, and of its hold in all of this collective ounce of me. Entirely opposite of being childlike, every move towards tomorrow marks a risk, and every picture represents a glimmer of subtle joy or tugging pain.
I was taken back along the many years of my childhood when I sprang visits to my grandmother during the past couple of days. For reasons that perhaps I'd never fathom, I yearned to be closer to her. I wanted and needed to make things up, for lost time and foolishness - things that don't justify in the system of choices and consequences, things that would doubt my loyalties in the eyes of many, things that would defy the world I was raised up in. Yet, a heartfelt and honest conversation was all it took to melt away any anger buried in me. I loved her, and I still do today, and will probably always love her, in my very feeble ways.
This was when I thought of my father - the man who betrayed my mother and ruined every member of this could-be wonderful family, the man who shirked every responsibility as a man to his wife, a family man who spent his days as a bachelor. But yet, my father, he loved me, like any other father. He gave me the happiest childhood I could want for, he gave me the bravery I lacked as a child, he passed on his guts and adventuresome outlook in life, he gave me commendable upbringing, and he gave me invaluable lessons. I couldn't have gotten here, this far with deep intakes on life without him. Alike my grandmother, I will always love my father, regardless.
So everyone's wretched. But without wretchedness, forgiveness wouldn't be all so divine, now would it?
It's just days away before we officially moved. I had to get down to packing. Too many clothes, too many books, too many albums, too many furniture, too many unnamed souls to have to leave behind.
I packed. I began with projects from my school days (and found multiple drawings that I lovingly crafted what seemed like so long ago), proceeded to filter out the books hoarded over 19 years, and hand-picked out photographs from every album dating since the 1960s. 26, and it still pained me. It pained me to know for sure that we were once happy together, altogether. It pained me knowing that happiness felt more real comparatively as to present. It pained me having to come to terms that it is going to take harder for happiness to suffice. What pained me most was having to bear the realization of everyone being jaded and separate from one another's lives as much as we are in it. But the pain was not the same this time. It was dull, and seemed distant. This time, it felt dull, like a spirit. The kind whereby you know it has co-existed with the years you wear on your back and has evolved into a spiritual memory, which you will keep only in only memory from here forth. Pictures will always be around and be passed around, yet the life inside of them has somehow ceased to live as evidently. It is nearly the kind of realization of knowing, that you're entirely alone in this world, and you'll always be okay alone.
But this change - it's a good thing, isn't it? And so I ask God everyday.
I was taken back along the many years of my childhood when I sprang visits to my grandmother during the past couple of days. For reasons that perhaps I'd never fathom, I yearned to be closer to her. I wanted and needed to make things up, for lost time and foolishness - things that don't justify in the system of choices and consequences, things that would doubt my loyalties in the eyes of many, things that would defy the world I was raised up in. Yet, a heartfelt and honest conversation was all it took to melt away any anger buried in me. I loved her, and I still do today, and will probably always love her, in my very feeble ways.
This was when I thought of my father - the man who betrayed my mother and ruined every member of this could-be wonderful family, the man who shirked every responsibility as a man to his wife, a family man who spent his days as a bachelor. But yet, my father, he loved me, like any other father. He gave me the happiest childhood I could want for, he gave me the bravery I lacked as a child, he passed on his guts and adventuresome outlook in life, he gave me commendable upbringing, and he gave me invaluable lessons. I couldn't have gotten here, this far with deep intakes on life without him. Alike my grandmother, I will always love my father, regardless.
So everyone's wretched. But without wretchedness, forgiveness wouldn't be all so divine, now would it?
It's just days away before we officially moved. I had to get down to packing. Too many clothes, too many books, too many albums, too many furniture, too many unnamed souls to have to leave behind.
I packed. I began with projects from my school days (and found multiple drawings that I lovingly crafted what seemed like so long ago), proceeded to filter out the books hoarded over 19 years, and hand-picked out photographs from every album dating since the 1960s. 26, and it still pained me. It pained me to know for sure that we were once happy together, altogether. It pained me knowing that happiness felt more real comparatively as to present. It pained me having to come to terms that it is going to take harder for happiness to suffice. What pained me most was having to bear the realization of everyone being jaded and separate from one another's lives as much as we are in it. But the pain was not the same this time. It was dull, and seemed distant. This time, it felt dull, like a spirit. The kind whereby you know it has co-existed with the years you wear on your back and has evolved into a spiritual memory, which you will keep only in only memory from here forth. Pictures will always be around and be passed around, yet the life inside of them has somehow ceased to live as evidently. It is nearly the kind of realization of knowing, that you're entirely alone in this world, and you'll always be okay alone.
But this change - it's a good thing, isn't it? And so I ask God everyday.
Many many things await. Some worthy to be exhilarated about, and some not. So the talk about shifting (for a many good years) is actualizing. My fondest and most downright painful memories, they'll all be swept into the little corners of this home I'll be leaving so far behind to recall someday. Tasks await my attention and I shouldn't leave much room for sentimentalism and emotions. This phase has this taken enough of a toll on all of us and the time has arrived for all of us to move on towards our pre-designed fates.
Everything happens for reasons, so they say.
Everything happens for reasons, so they say.
Wednesday, March 20, 2013
Wow, I haven't even taken any time to re-visit this old friend of a space. Well, not until now at least. It has been a long time coming, and I'm ever-ready to return from the prolonged hiatus. So this is this, this is where the new beginnings happen in words.
Here.
It has been 3 months since my courage took over and I got down to quitting my job as a music teacher at T4K. It's shying towards a month since I've joined AKLTG (Adam Khoo Learning Technologies Group) as a trainer. The learning curve is indescribably steep this month but I must say I'm catching up well enough.
How's everyone out there? I wonder.
Tuesday, November 29, 2011
I've been spending some time reading archives of old blogs, mine or not, and here I am penning down thoughts of the aftermath of that. I began browsing through writings of 2008, while my heart very much belonged to a girl whom I believed to be the love of my life. In fact, I've been consuming myself with my love for being in love that it clouded my judgment towards many of the people I have thought myself to 'love'.
It has been 3 years since I walked the path of being straight. I won't facade the truth and deny that it wasn't hard turning straight. It was lonely and bittersweet. Friends were scarce because we didn't share that common sexuality preference. I walked into heterosexuality practically naked, figuratively. I grazed my days working away from home just to steer clear of comfort; that familiarity of my old life.
Re-visiting all those years of my life via blog posts gave me a deeper closure in many ways. And believe me, even after years of being a stranger to homosexuality and my ex-girlfriend, I am thoroughly guilty of having done the worst things in my life. One of the largest misdeeds in this 24 years of my life, is to have hurt a girl in such a way that I am still responsible for the inflictions I caused. That, is a baggage I'll always carry under my belt. And if she ever reads this, I hope she knows that I am sorry, so very sorry, and that I seek forgiveness.
Looking at the way things are now, I can safely and confidently proclaim to myself that I am contented, no matter how rough things may get. I am 24, earning my own keep, paying the bills at home, partially supporting my mother, grateful for my job of 2 years, blessed with an old new Godfamily, and sharing a blissful imperfect perfect relationship with a very beautiful man.
When I trace back and reminisce about my past relationships, I am strickened with a heavy heart. This heart fills with regret, guilt, sadness, pain, anger, bittersweetness, angst, and even hate, whenever it is mentioned alongside past relationships. When I think of what I have with Ben right now, what comes to mind is an imperfect perfect relationship. But for what it's worth, I believe I have found the only guy in this world, who'll always run back to me. In my books, it's not in the unforgiveness of walking away, it's the walking back that counts; it's not about the fights, it's the making up; it's not about the winning, it's about returning into each others' arms and feeling grateful to the heavens that there is still fight for love.
I no longer thrive on that darkness which felt so good, so comfortable. Gone are the days when I doubt more than I believe. I have Ben, and he is my pillar. And I hope to be his too. For the rest of our lives. No regrets. And I'm happy with my lot.
It has been 3 years since I walked the path of being straight. I won't facade the truth and deny that it wasn't hard turning straight. It was lonely and bittersweet. Friends were scarce because we didn't share that common sexuality preference. I walked into heterosexuality practically naked, figuratively. I grazed my days working away from home just to steer clear of comfort; that familiarity of my old life.
Re-visiting all those years of my life via blog posts gave me a deeper closure in many ways. And believe me, even after years of being a stranger to homosexuality and my ex-girlfriend, I am thoroughly guilty of having done the worst things in my life. One of the largest misdeeds in this 24 years of my life, is to have hurt a girl in such a way that I am still responsible for the inflictions I caused. That, is a baggage I'll always carry under my belt. And if she ever reads this, I hope she knows that I am sorry, so very sorry, and that I seek forgiveness.
Looking at the way things are now, I can safely and confidently proclaim to myself that I am contented, no matter how rough things may get. I am 24, earning my own keep, paying the bills at home, partially supporting my mother, grateful for my job of 2 years, blessed with an old new Godfamily, and sharing a blissful imperfect perfect relationship with a very beautiful man.
When I trace back and reminisce about my past relationships, I am strickened with a heavy heart. This heart fills with regret, guilt, sadness, pain, anger, bittersweetness, angst, and even hate, whenever it is mentioned alongside past relationships. When I think of what I have with Ben right now, what comes to mind is an imperfect perfect relationship. But for what it's worth, I believe I have found the only guy in this world, who'll always run back to me. In my books, it's not in the unforgiveness of walking away, it's the walking back that counts; it's not about the fights, it's the making up; it's not about the winning, it's about returning into each others' arms and feeling grateful to the heavens that there is still fight for love.
I no longer thrive on that darkness which felt so good, so comfortable. Gone are the days when I doubt more than I believe. I have Ben, and he is my pillar. And I hope to be his too. For the rest of our lives. No regrets. And I'm happy with my lot.
Thursday, October 20, 2011
This dark night, has descended upon me like a filthy plague. It is wretching my thoughts blackened, yet baking me with a sickless fever. This night, I've realised how much solace I've been seeking in God, and in mindless club beats.
I'm experiencing an all new low with the emulsion of everything. The debris wouldn't budge and it spins in a clogged circulation of unpleasant emotions. My stomach is churning up a vomit but my throat is tightening to stop it.
A mind can only think so far. A heart can only feel so deep. And alas, a human can only undergo this much.
I don't know how else to do anything and everything. No longer.
I'm experiencing an all new low with the emulsion of everything. The debris wouldn't budge and it spins in a clogged circulation of unpleasant emotions. My stomach is churning up a vomit but my throat is tightening to stop it.
A mind can only think so far. A heart can only feel so deep. And alas, a human can only undergo this much.
I don't know how else to do anything and everything. No longer.
Tuesday, August 09, 2011
You make me feel proud, of every side and part of you. It's a slightly invincible and awe-striking kind of unexplainable pride. I can't remember a happier moment, apart from the ones I've had since you've been around.
It's been perfect having you around these past 10 months. And with 9 months of your love, I couldn't be happier. Thank you, for the best memories of my life.
Friday, July 15, 2011
Alas, an afternoon with a break from the hustle and bustle from work that is not plagued with fatigue of the mental department. The light of day seems to be crystallising every strand of thought of what has happened, what could happen and what is happening now. It is with sheer pride and joy and gratitude that I'm able to say that Benjamin and I have braved through nearly 9 months of wonderful and imperfectly perfect love, and this song seemingly and aptly metaphorises how much we love to be able to have what we have today. When the days and nights dull with thin fragility and affirmative love, I have Ben to cushion the cynic in me. I could have been worse or in worse state than I ever was, but God's love of sending a wonderful man to love me has made life worth journeying.
So much has been detered (referring to the supposed baptism earlier this year) and so much has been lifting up (referring to my third and determined attempt at attaining baptism next year, with Ben consistently urging me with every sense of encouragement). This try at reaching baptism is one that has provided me with optimal motivation, because I know that Ben is right by me to take on this embarkment with me.
The afternoon in solitude has rushed feelings and thankfulness and reflections within me, and shifted me closer to these sensations that I have so long forgotten. I enjoy emotions and I like feeling gratefully fortunate.
This relationship is the first and only that I am lacking the insecurity of being left and abandoned. It almost feels like a solemnisation of an eternity together in love. This feels like a lifetime in its in best perspective.
So this song clearly describes us in tough times, and this song is for you Ben. I love you always and if God permits, I'd love you in heaven when we perish from our bodies.
Errant heat to the star
and the rain let in
the hawser rolls, the vessel’s whole and Christ, it’s thin
Well Iʼd know that you’d offer
would reveal it, though it’s soft and flat
won’t repeat it, cull and coffer’s that
for the soffit, hang this homeward
pry it open with your love
sending lost and alone standing offers
It is steep / it is stone
such recovery
from the daily press, the deepest nest, in keeper’s keep
All the news at the door
such a revelry
well, it’s hocked inside of everything you said to me
It was found what we orphaned
didn’t mention it would serve us picked
said your love is known
I’m standing up on it
aren’t we married?!
I ainʼt living in the dark no more
It’s not a promise, Iʼm just gonna call it
Heavy mitted love
Our love is a star
sure some hazardry
for the light before and after most indefinitely
Danger has been stole away
…
This is us
So much has been detered (referring to the supposed baptism earlier this year) and so much has been lifting up (referring to my third and determined attempt at attaining baptism next year, with Ben consistently urging me with every sense of encouragement). This try at reaching baptism is one that has provided me with optimal motivation, because I know that Ben is right by me to take on this embarkment with me.
The afternoon in solitude has rushed feelings and thankfulness and reflections within me, and shifted me closer to these sensations that I have so long forgotten. I enjoy emotions and I like feeling gratefully fortunate.
This relationship is the first and only that I am lacking the insecurity of being left and abandoned. It almost feels like a solemnisation of an eternity together in love. This feels like a lifetime in its in best perspective.
So this song clearly describes us in tough times, and this song is for you Ben. I love you always and if God permits, I'd love you in heaven when we perish from our bodies.
Errant heat to the star
and the rain let in
the hawser rolls, the vessel’s whole and Christ, it’s thin
Well Iʼd know that you’d offer
would reveal it, though it’s soft and flat
won’t repeat it, cull and coffer’s that
for the soffit, hang this homeward
pry it open with your love
sending lost and alone standing offers
It is steep / it is stone
such recovery
from the daily press, the deepest nest, in keeper’s keep
All the news at the door
such a revelry
well, it’s hocked inside of everything you said to me
It was found what we orphaned
didn’t mention it would serve us picked
said your love is known
I’m standing up on it
aren’t we married?!
I ainʼt living in the dark no more
It’s not a promise, Iʼm just gonna call it
Heavy mitted love
Our love is a star
sure some hazardry
for the light before and after most indefinitely
Danger has been stole away
…
This is us
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