The little girl accompanied her mother to the charismatic session today. My mum has told me several stories of the mother and child, and I've not witnessed such until today. The little girl was suffering from a severe case of Ezyma(a skin disease). I felt sympathetic towards the girl. I pitied her, which I felt I really shouldn't display. I underwent that torturing disease when I was a child, but it was just a fraction of what she was going through. The little girl had burn-like skin-peels all over her body and her face. Her mother looked weary; she was feeling the fatigue from the years of struggle bringing up her child whom she loved so dear. Her mother attended church activities and healing sessions, in hope of the Lord healing her daughter someday. The little girl sat in front of me, and she turned around several times to look at my sister and I. I was praying. Silence rose and occupied the chapel, when suddenly the little girl proclaimed the phrase thrice with her little voice,"we live in unity". She had chosen that phrase to ponder on for the prayer period. At that point, I admired her for being able to have done things I found embarrassing to do. I felt ashamed of myself, for living 17 years of my life being afraid of so many things, when an 11-year old child like herself was bold enough to speak out to the world.

This girl has left such a remarkable impression and impact on me. She'll never be excluded from my prayers from today on (:

I just saw him online msn, and he left without speaking a word to me. Ingrid blogged in her private blog, about her preferences in life. Damn I really shouldn't have read any of that. I feel like I'm about to cry any moment now. I miss you more. I need my Dana to talk to.

Yesterday was Dana's birthday. Dana, Pb and I went to catch the movie Taxi. Oh my god, that Gisele girl (whatever her full name is), she is so darn sexy. I want her undressed on my bed. Anyway, enjoyed myself very much. Met Jyren up for fags and drinks and game at Rocky Master's. Dana and Jyren decided they wanted to play games and do forfeits. Jyren, Pb and I waited almost an hour for a cab home. But it was fun.

Today was equally fantastic. The H4, without Ingrid again, finally made the decision to make an excursion to the zoo. We've been planning since Children's Day, but haven't executed plans until now. We were on a budget-excursion; I brought this whole box of cereal, Dana brought bread with canned tunas, Pris brought little cupcakes from Bengawan Solo, and Phoebe brought a huge bottle of stand-by water and candies. It was raining almost the entire day, so we didn't get to walk much. My slipper broke and I had to use the safety pin on my bag as salvage for the situation. I have this cut on my second toe on my right foot; really hurts. But to sum up, the day always is enjoyable with my dearest H5. I hope Ingrid is okay. She didn't seem emotionally stable last night when she messaged me.

Okay, next thing to look forward to - Suntanning with Jinga and Dana baby, and hair-do this Saturday!

I was explaining to Amin and Xiuyun about my reasons for quitting this job, and I don't know why I should cry, because I have no reason to cry, but I did end up crying in front of them. Sentimentalism was building up in me all this while, and I wasn't even aware of it until today. I'm going to miss work, but I can't live on the $4/hour. It's seriously measly. By next semester I'll be preparing and prepared for teaching piano hopefully. I need to set my goals clear and determined.

I keep make-believing, until nothing really seems real.

So I requested for a week off from work. I'm got this feeling I'm going to burst in tears any minute now, for many reasons. For one, I'm really drained out from almost all my energy from work, and I'm so reluctant to go to work these days when I used to enjoy it. Overworking is causing me to sicken with constant blocked and drippy nose. Anyway, I've made plans for next week - I'm going tanning with Jinyu on Wednesday and I'll be attending live charismatic with my mum (as promised). Religion's really not my type of thing, but I'm doing it just to please the old woman. Oh yes, I'm currently reading Danielle Steel's 'Silent Honour' now; her writing style is so subtle, yet the climax of the story's always effective. I miss my akers.

Sometimes, I wish I could settled all the blame on you for all that you've done to me, the pain you've inflicted before. But all that faded into forgiveness. I could never hate you; I could never dislike you. Hate never occurred from me to you. You don't know how much you make me want to be a better person, you don't know how much I wish I hadn't have to hide within, you aren't aware of why I send you messages more often than I do to others. I'm cushioning the whole blow myself, I'm dressing this wound on my own. You don't know how easy it is to fall all over again; it happens everytime I see you around. You left me, with so many impressions and traces you forgot to take back. Many a times I'm contemplating to drop you a visit while you're at work, but that will not happen. My mind was filled with thoughts of you as I was making my rounds during work; I was thinking about you whenever I felt the fatigue; I thought of you when it started raining, and I am thinking of you now. I hope you've thought of me today.

Managed to bargain over working hours with Raymond today from 12-11 to 12-9. A bargain of two hours. I need a tan, really. I need more time and energy to relax. Never in my seventeen years of living have I ever felt this worn out physically. Upcoming semester's timetable will be out on the 2nd Dec 2004, and I hope I got my first-choice CDS. Next week's my last week working hectic at Swensens. Praise the good Lord.

I've just read Dana's blog; seems like we're going round the same type of circles. Well, I guess such matters cannot be put into comparison. I think of him pretty often, I love him as much as I did months ago, maybe more (I don't know, honestly), but it's not the obsessive love that it used to be. I'm learning to be contented with what little I have. I don't need or want him to ask me out, I don't want to be told that my love is returned; I don't want my love to be returned (in a way), only because I'm aware that there's a possibility that history might repeat, and that lovers do let each other down, be it whatever ways and methods. On a serious note, unrequited and unreciprocated love can really put you down, in so many ways. But that's all negative. All I need now, is just for him to just think of me, as a past lover, as a friend. Either one will keep me satisfied; as long as I've been in his thoughts at least once everyday. The rest, will leave till later, when the issue needs to be addressed. In the meantime, I will keep my thoughts survive on positive roots.

You know, you will always have my love (:

Hindi movies, and storytellers, and fairytales often tells people how undying love is portrayed to be. They often give the message to its audiences to never give up on love, although love may seemed to have given up on humans. And more than often, you find yourself tearing at the sweetest parts of the story, at the climax of the story, or at the endings of the storys being told. Either way, the storys touch a part of you, and it stays as a part of you. It teaches you that love isn't really lost, even though absent physically. Love stays and endures till forever. It's hard to envisage a love, even after death, in heaven, but it does happen. Love lasts even till then. It's contradicting; if I were to say I'm a believer of love, but am not of God, only because God is love, and he created and made love.

I've just read finish reading a story, a true story of Mitch Albom's uncle, Edward Beitchman, titled "The Five People You Meet In Heaven".

The story taught me much, and I want to change my life and perspectives of life and love, and forgiveness, after reading it. While being sunken into the story while reading it, I imagined him* in the story, being with me. It seems that I've been searching for forever just to find myself being in love with him. Countless times I've reminded and warned myself not to be addicted to this cycle of love, but more than often, I find myself dissolving away from the staunchness I had. I don't want to give up on him, although many a times human nature and instincts tell me I should have a long time ago. I'm not going to give him up, although this whole situation might not be mutually reciprocated. I love him, and I know it well. I don't want to fake it and mask up a facade I'm not even comfortable being in. We may be two totally different people, but it's the magic of it all that draws two souls, though totally different, together, forever.

"Lost love is still love. It takes a different form, that's all. You can't see their smile or bring them food or tousle their hair or move them around a dance floor. But when those senses weaken, another heightens. Memory. Memory becomes your partner. You nurture it. You hold it. You dance with it.

Life has to end. Love doesn't."

What's an invitation without its sincerity? Yup, nothing.

This is something I've not blogged public and direct about, and I think I should right now, since I'm pretty much over this issue. Friends made me love and miss secondary school and its days, but at the same time, the 'friends' I had made me glad that I'm no longer there. You know, the cliques everyone was in, the Ret and Di clique, the Shereen clique, the YuYing clique, the Stella and Chuwen clique. This is pretty directed to all ex-4/1ers. I guess noone actually realised how insensitive they could get by forming and sticking in these cliques. Do you realise and notice the people who did get left out during those times of insensitivity on your parts? I guess not, and that's the reason why all of you still dwell in your selfish worlds. Not meaning to seem arrogant here, but having my H5 now really makes me glad I'm over you people, and over secondary school days. It was tormenting living those days, especially during O levels period, when I felt lonesome.

I like that song at the bottom entry. It makes me think hard of him. Songs he love make me think of him. I don't try to avoid the thoughts, only because I want to be filled with thoughts of him. It keeps me going.

Please, please forgive me
I know I won't be home again
Maybe someday you'll have woke up
And, barely conscious, you'll say to noone:
"Isn't something missing?"

You won't cry for my absence, I know
You forgot me long ago
Am I that unimportant?
Am I so insignificant?
Isn't something wrong?
Isn't someone missing me?

Even though I'd be sacrificed
You won't try for me, not now
Though I'd die to know you love me
I'm all alone
Isn't someone missing me?

Please, please forgive me
I know I won't be home again
I know what you do to yourself
Shudder deep and cry out:
"Isn't something missing?
Isn't someone missing me?"

And if I bleed, I bleed
Knowing you don't care
And if I sleep just to dream of you
And wake up without you there
Isn't something missing?
Isn't something...

Why, hello soulcleavage.com. It feels like ages since I typed a decent entry and I think it's high time I did so. I've been cooped up with work, since I requested for extra slog-hours. I worked from 12noon till 11pm today, so I'm really really shagged right now. My feet feels like it's been through a world war; imagine all the veins popping out of the feet. Pitiful, ain't it? I'm off tomorrow, but I'll be slogging for the reest of the week - overtime for the weekdays. Tomorrow's going to be spent with mum. I miss my family, and I miss my dad. I see families eating out at Swensens' and I felt envious. I miss the family days; I miss the saturdays when the whole family would visit granny. And I wish dad and mum could see this.

Oh yes, two days ago, this granny brought her two grandchildren, a grandson and a grand-daughter, to Swensens. She hardly ate, and at the end of the meal, her grandson was requesting so fervently for another scoop of ice cream. She got him that. And when the bill arrived, she took all the money she had in her purse to pay for her grandchildren's meals, every cent. I know it's every cent because I saw her emptying the whole purse. It's a really moving sight. It reminds me of my granny when I was young and still under her care. Things aren't the same now since I've grown up, but I do miss her. I miss the times when she doted on me so much; the times we spent together watching tv after homework everyday. Like I said, it's the little details in life that we take ever-so-forgranted, that matter the most when you've driven the whole circle, and find yourself missing something that you used to have out. Am I making sense?

Yesterday, he initiated an sms to me, which really surprised me. And needless to say, I was more than overjoyed to see his name in my handphone inbox once again. I felt good about myself and about the fact that he messaged me first.

Had a slight misunderstanding with Dana last night. But it really goes to show how much she really is held in my heart. This may sound really mushy and hair-raise provoking, but yes, Dana's one of my very much treasured friends right now. My H5 means so much to me. They're the reason of my survival in school and during this holidays besides the money I'm earning at Swensens'.

To Dana : Hey girlfriend. I'm so sorry if I really upset you last night. I was just getting worked up that you almost forgot all about us, and you forgot about telling us the slightest details. Because it's the tiny details that matter the most. You matter. I love you. -nudges-

I'm a happier girl than I already am. I got to see you. Anyways, I'm pretty much too shagged out to type a longer entry. Yesterday's CampDesign Bbq turned out superb. Thanks everyone who was there to make the day so wonderful. The collage at the bottom's a rough picture of yesterday.

You're probably dwelling in your own conceited world. And your world revolves around your cute guys and fair-weathered friends. It figures, since you are the exact type. I used to have the impression that you were going to change some day, but I'm sure I'm proven wrong, now that you've made friendship picture so ugly. You're anyone's and everyone's idea of a fair-weathered friend. If that's the way you're going to stay, I'm sorry I don't need friends like you. Good luck in finding that forever-friend who's as insensitive as you. I haven't the time and energy to entertain chlidish acts from you.

And I wish you were here to listen to me rave. I miss you so. I can't live everyday in pretense that I've gotten over you. I want to call 'darling' like I used to; my very own keepsake. I want to be able to be honest about my feelings towards you with you, without having to closet it like how I am now. No, I'm not thinking of you twenty-four-seven, but when I'm thinking of you, it's hard to stop; I eventually stop, then start again when I do start again. I can't overlook the fact that I'm looking out for you to be smiling at my stupid actions, or laughing at my silly accidents. I can't deny I still want you to notice me the way you did. I can't deny I want that attention back from you. I want you to be asking me out for simple non-date dates, and I want to be trying my best to be my best for that date. I wish I could get you back at the snap of my fingers, or even better, I wish I was the one getting over the things you said so easily like the way you forget mine. Undoubtingly, I haven't fully gotten over you; and everything's rushing back to me all over again. I can't jump past the fact that you and I are this different - our needs, our wants, our lifestyles. I wish I could change to take a step closer to being more similar to you.

Practiced piano and did this collage for H5's blog during my little spare time that I had.

I'm stressed out by work and the issue of my piano-teaching career.

I thought that it was long ago that I stopped spending long periods of time just thinking of you thinking of me. No, this isn't a 'plot' to make you come back. You probably won't even read this in your entire life being. I thought that I had already stopped harbouring thoughts of being around just to catch a glimpse of you long ago. I saw the couples strolling along the streets today, and something in me somehow wished we didn't have to split. You know, noone could have made me wake up in the early hours of the morning just to watch someone else draw, beside you. None other would have made my anger subside to a nothing when I was waiting at the train station for more than an hour, like you did. I wish I could have the same perspectives of life and relationships as you do, so that our thoughts would never clash like they did. How nice it would be, if we were similar in some ways other than both of us being crappy. But the fact is, we're two totally different people. And that I should just quit dreaming on things which just won't happen again.

Neoprint taken with H5 and Siyuan. Great fun today with them.

So the mother favours her very smart and intelligent daughter. There goes her share of my salary next month. Motherfucking bitch. I realise now that mothers aren't worth the extra effort to step forward to. I'll just let her be there with her church and whatever holy moly fuck. What good is a mother who doesn't appreciate your efforts to save her money. You know what, to hell with church. Time after time, she has made me hate her. I hope you bring your favourite daughter six feet under when you go. I don't want to see any of you.

You know mum, I feel hurt too.

Money issues aside (for once), and I'm just going to announce this - work was fun today! Dinnie was doing the same station as I was, so it was something really fantastic. I took over station 1 later on because the supervisor in charge was told to go home earlier. Dinnie and I spoke much more today; more and more each day. I have yet to get her number. I have two 12noon til 11pm shifts next week, which also equals to OT. I don't mind all that; I get to see her longer.

Tomorrow the H5's supposed to be meeting up together, but Dana and Ingrid seems so unkeen about the outing while I've been waiting a whole week for this. Quite disappointing but I shall keep further comments to myself.

Akers, Anubis, Cronus and Hestia BBQ this Saturday. A pity I can't be there to organise and do marketing for this outing; I'd love to. I'm very much looking forward to Thursday and Saturday.

I had to double task today during work; I was the setter and the food runner. That stinky danny made me do his portion of work for him. Dad fetched me home immediately after work when I specially requested for supper with the whole family. What a sad turn for the day. Very well, so we rushed home to catch The American Next Top Model, with Mac's food and canned peaches. Pretty interesting thing to do together. Spoiler part of the whole thing was, at the very end of the whole show, I had to open my big gap and say "Who bought these rosaries from Spotlight?" What a fucking stupid question to be asking. Anyway, the whole atmosphere got tensed up and my mum and sis started quarrelling over doing charity for one's aunt on just buying 3 leftover measly bracelets. So I very reluctantly agreed to pay for all 8 bracelets, knowing that I'd have to slog another entire day just to pay for them. Well yeah, my insides ached a little to fork out with that money. But my nice sister eventually agreed to pay for those 3 bracelets, taking a total of a $9 burden off my chest and thoughts.

Happy belated birthday greetings to my beloved Marion, and that long-lost brother of mine Lerjun.

I miss Marion very very much. I don't really know how to describe this anymore; I'm getting real bad with the mushy words, but I miss her this much, more than any amount of words can be put into; more than any paragraph of tribute can be paid; more than any testimonials can ever mean. I hope you're up there feeling the words I'm longing to say to you. Death doesn't separate friends; death only draws the friendship into eternity.

I'd better scram before my emotions get the better of me.

Something hit me while I was bathing, all in less than twenty minutes ago.

Blue, red, orange, purple hair and punk clothes don't define a designer; designers equip their wardrobes with t shirts and jeans, or whatever that makes them comfortable. It's what people make of themselves that causes designers to look the way they do now. All the funky hairstyles and crazy hairdos and colourings. I am greatly influenced and affected by the designer, Dennis Poon's speech that day, before the CampDesign happened. It was the method of marketing yourself and your works, rather than being rooted in front of the computer struggling all sorts of design. Of course that would be a plus point, but eventually it's still the way you market your works.

Done with that. On to work now; my shift's from 5 til 10 today. Seems like it's going to rain, since I just heard a blast of thunder over at the east direction from my computer. Last night I requested to work more before school starts; I need the income to tide me over Christmas shopping expenditures. I foresee my sis and mum buying me great stuff this year, and it wouldn't be nice if I had gotten them anything shabby like I always do, with the lack of thoughtfulness I carry. I'll be meeting Daryl and Nique (haven't informed her about this by the way) about the Christmas shopping spree this coming Thursday since the Akers BBQ isn't going to happen and I have urgent shopping to do before school starts.

The christmas tree has been put up, but the family's lacking of the string of lightings. Anybody kind souls out there to donate? We can't proceed to decorating the tree with ornaments before adding the lightings; it isn't complete you see.

I miss the H5, my Akers, and that wonderwoman with the lady-killer smile :)

I was working with her during work today. It was wonderful, yet tiring since today was Hari Raya. She smiled at me, and I got tingly all over. I love that feeling she gives me although she can be pretty nasty in her words. But she's still sweet. I love the way I indulge my glances in her. Sometimes I think it's just a crush, other times I think it's better off not to fall in too deep.

Nique told me to blog, so here is the entry. Enjoy Nique!

A pretty write up I found from bulletins at friendster. Thought I'd share them with people viewing my blog, as well as keeping this this composition of words to remind me of how much the Lord loves me despite all the negative thoughts I've been instilling in me and polluting my mind.

How are you? I just had to send you this letter to tell you how much I love and care about you. I saw you yesterday as you were walking with your friends. I waited all day, hoping that soon you'd want me to walk along with you, too.

As evening drew near, I painted you a sunset to close your day and whispered a cool breeze to refresh you, and I waited. You never came. Oh yes, it hurt Me, but I just kept on loving you.

As I watched you fall asleep last night, I longed to touch your brow. I spilled moonlight upon your face, trickling down your cheeks as so many tears have. Again I waited, but you didn't even think of me. I wanted so much to rush down so we could talk. I have so many gifts for you.

The next day I exploded a brilliant sunrise into glorious morning for you. But you awakened late and rushed off for the day. You didn't even notice Me. My sky became cloudy and my tears were the rain. Oh, how I love you!

Today you looked so sad and so alone. It makes my heart ache because I understand. My friends let Me down and hurt Me many times too. Oh, if you'd only listen. I really LOVE you. I try to say it in the quiet of the green meadow and in the vibrant blue sky. The wind whispers my love throughout the treetops and spills it into the vivid colors of all the flowers. I shout it to you in the in the thunder of the great waterfalls, in mountain streams, and I compose love songs for birds to sing for you.

I warm you with the clothing of my warm sunshine and perfume the air with nature's sweet scent. My love for you is deeper than any ocean and greater than the biggest want or need you may have. If you'd only realize how much I really care.

We will spend eternity together in heaven. I know how hard it is on earth. I know because I was once there. I really want to help you.

My Father cares for you and wants to help you, too. Fathers are just that way. So please, call on me soon. Just call Me, ask Me, talk to Me. It is your decision. I have chosen you. No matter how long it takes, I'll wait forever because I love you!

Your friend,

Jesus

After three days of sheer happiness and a day after that of wondrous reminisce of the three days, today has really got to suck this bad. Just compare, and tell me what I'm feeling now isn't childish negativity. I feel as if I need to cry it all out, although I know it's really nothing much to be crying about. All these days I've been working my wits out just to prove to myself that this isn't my limit, that I haven't even reached the climax of what I would claim as being hardworking. I work this hard to prove myself wrong; to prove everyone wrong about me.

And, so it speaks, life isn't fair. Sometimes, even best isn't good enough, and that's when you at that dead end whereby you find it difficult to turn back and spot mistakes along the way. And nope, I'm not going to shed tears of self-pity because the thought of it is revolting.

Then maybe, I am living life wrongly again, and I need to begin experimenting all sorts of ways to live this wretched life. So now I pretend life is a happy-go-lucky thing, which really makes me blind. To hell with adult politics if they're playing them on me. I've heard so much about them and I don't want to be involved in them in any way.

"Money is the devils' tool", that I agree. Money has got be so obsessed now that my world now probably revolves around friends, family and money. (Hans will slaughter me for this.) Life is all about superficiality, and hypocracy that comes along with it. And it's sick, the whole circle of life and it's suckers.

Living deserves a better name.

Just a few days of acquaintance and bonding can really get people attached to each other. For example, the camp over the three days was pretty short, yet so many people managed to bond so fantastically and they start enjoying each other's presence. I'm already missing the whole camp people. They're a bunch of funloving people, and I'm beginning to feel the pinch of reluctance letting go of the wonderful three days I had. I'm going to miss this whole experience (pun there on the 'whole').

I have developed this disability to sincerely and truly love someone, like I used to. I was having this chat with Nique, which made me realise several things about myself and my past relationship with her. The issue of this whole paragraph of words isn't about me wanting to love, but wanting to rid off this disability, because not able to love wholeheartedly can turn drastic. I need to know the remedy for a failed relationship, how to straighten things out when things go wrong instead of putting it off and eventually running away from it. But I'm not like that. People who love me or used to love me would definitely be aware of that by now.

I happened to bloghop, and I'm pretty glad I found this. No names disclosed. Feast your eyes on this man CampDesign leaders!

"Ive got sth to say .
TP Design School ROCKS .
As in seriously .
Rocks .
As in , ROCKS !

Ahha . I swear the whole camp was a blast ! I had so much fun ! kae , every camp I go to I have fun . but seriously this is realllly fun . to all you guys out there who had the opportunity to go but din wanna , you were wrong ! I think I’d regret if I were you that I din get the chance to go . that is how GOOD the school is . I mean , the ppl there are just SO FRIENDLY . think abt it , strangers ? friendly ? abit no link right . but hell no , they are so friendly ! (: made plenty of friends there . ttearss were shed today cos it’s the last day of the camp . kinda disappointed we din manage to win e best group award but at least it was a close competition betwn my group and Afro(?) ! yupp . all’s well ends well"

I would say today went on pretty fine. The mass dance, chicky dance and design chicky dance went on perfect. I would like to take this opportunity to thank Fairuz and Priscelia, for bearing with my overheaded behavior for the past few days. I would like to also thank Ingrid, Stanley and Khoon Han, for being such great leaders and organizers for this whole event, and for making it all happen. Next people I want to thank would be the GLs, especially those in my group, Tim, Jiaxin, Renxiang, XinJie, Max, Freddy, for working so well together with me even though everything was in a hurry. Last but not least, I would really wish to thank the AKERS for simply being my group members. Though your behaviors weren't the best, all of you were afterall my very own babies. I hope the AKERS liked what their GLs had come up with for the past few days, including the little present bag. Oh yes, we did the exotic version of the chicky dance too. It was pretty amusing, with everyone being so spontaneous. Oh yes, I got the award of the best GL, and my group was being such dearies by cheering on so supportively for me. It really means a lot to me, not that I'm being a braggard here. Please understand. Such a pity I forgot to bring my digital camera today. I'll definitely miss the fun and laughter I had these three days.

Hehs. I've been deprived from rest lately, with the 3-hour-plus sleeps I've been having. They're not enough. Worse, I'm working tomorrow. But it's fine with me, because tomorrow's a public holiday and I'll be paid 6/hr. I'll miss the people I hung out with during the entire camp. Am looking forward to such future events.

How much I wish for someone to truly be here, instead of pretending to be only at times when I'm required for my presence for my listening ears. How much I need your smiles now. How much I need you here although I hate to admit that I do. I can't comprehend the reason why something so simple can comprise of so many complicated thinking and thoughts, when all it really needs is just for two person to feel romantically mutual about each other.

I have a confession to make: I am terribly stressed out by CampDesign2004. One good thing about the camp is that H5 gets to bond at teamwork during the period of three days. We had mass dance practise today; Fairuz is my dancing partner and he's pretty quick and good at picking up the steps.

I can feel my dinner forcing its way up my esophagus. Maybe it's the extreme fatigue I'm undergoing, or maybe it's the lack of loving (as you know, I've always been staunch in love). I despise fakes, because they give me the impression that they're not trustworthy on the outside, which is a bad thing.

Alright now, I need a shut-eye. Goodnight blogger.

Leslie just called me on the mobile, asking me out next Friday to go out drinking or something. Am considering the invitation. Nique, Kayson and Stacey came to visit during work today, and it was an embarrasing encounter since I haven't seen them in a long time.

So I got to see her again today, and I'm really glad, because she and I spoke a wee bit more than we normally do, although it's nothing personal. She was smiling at me. I asked her why she always smiles, and she smiled more. I felt butterflies in my tummy, and it felt weird but good. Maybe this won't end as an infatuation after all, maybe this crush is here to stay and develop. I really don't know myself. I miss her, I miss taking quick glances at her, and I will miss this feeling for the next three days. I just know it.

CampDesign will commence tomorrow at 9am, but registration will begin at 8.30am. I'll probably turn up at school at 6.30am with the other SAs and GLs. I'm not going to screw this camp up.

After two fruitless days, today has finally had its turn. I'm glad I saw you. Do you feel likewise?

I'm and I'll be so busy with CampDesign2004 for the next 4 days, so bear with me while I mia a bit. 5 to 10 - work today. It's so packed, and the amount of rounds I had to make was uncountable, but there is someone who made it all worthwhile. Enough about that. I'm really tired, just plain tired and moodless to do anything else but chill to music in front of the computer chatting with H5. I need lots of fluid that my body has been deprived of. I'm dehydrated.

I need your smiles now. I need to perk my sudden depression, and reverse it all back to the happiness I received when I felt your smiles. I feel like a mess, and your smiles seem to be the only salvage to my sorry situation. I need to feel that sudden relief I felt when you were right near me. It's an obsession with your smile that is driving me insane. The strength I derive from watching you from a distance is immeasurable; it warms my heart. Cliche as it may sound, it's all true. Smile, because it makes my day so worthwhile. Even slogging doesn't seem torturous anymore; it's all for a good cause. I bet you aren't even aware of any of these.

All I wanted to do was to strive and work hard for what I really want. Is that too much for everyone to accept?

Still a little bit of your taste in my mouth
Still a little bit of you laced in my mouth
Still a little bit hard to say what's going on
Still a little bit of your ghost your witness
Still a little bit of your face I haven't kissed
You step a little closer each day
Still I can't say what's going on

Stones taught me to fly
Love taught me to lie
Life taught me to die
So it's not hard to fall
When you float like a cannonball

Still a little bit of your song in my ear
Still a little bit of your words I long to hear
You step a little closer to me
So close that I can't see what's going on

Stones taught me to fly
Love taught me to lie
Life taught me to die
So it's not hard to fall
When you float like a cannonball

Stones taught me to fly
Love taught me to cry
So come on courage
Teach me to be shy
Cause it's not hard to fall
And I don't wanna scare her
It's not hard to fall
And I don't wanna lose
It's not hard to grow
When you know that you just don't know

I'm anxious to be more than acquainted with you, but I don't know why or how. You spoke to me, and it brought me smiles. Your smiles were contagious; everytime you smiled at me, I couldn't help but return them. Maybe it's the way you strut your walk, maybe it's the way you do your hair. Maybe you're not the person I thought you to be, but it doesn't really bother me. What ever it is, you've got me attracted.

Today is mum's birthday. Didn't buy a gift so me and sis ganged up to make a banana split (influenced by Swensen's). It was a pretty sweet thing to do for someone's birthday. I would be moved to tears if my daughters (if I ever have any) did anything like that for me. Well, I'll have to be treating mum and aunt to lunch tomorrow, and they are planning on lunching at Swensen's at airport. A day off and I'm not spared from Swensens. Anyhows, happy birthday dear mum.

So I'll be spending my offday tomorrow with my mum, aunt and sis. My feet, hands and back are aching from the hustle and bustle everyday. They put me in charge of Alfresco again. Damn them for that. I'm looking forward to Friday's work. I look forward to work everyday now.

((=

All souls day was yesterday. Marion's mum coincidentally popped by at Swensen's. I could just cry standing at the al-fresco. It hit me that I've been neglecting my faith and religion. I don't want to have lesbian instincts in me because I don't want to be caught in confusion. I need to shift all my focus to my friends, work and school. That's it.

I can't wait to see you
Want to see if you still got that look in your eyes
That one you had for me before we said our goodbyes
And it's a shame that we got to spend our time
Being mad about the same things
Over and over again
About the same things
Over and over again

I remember the day you left
I remember the last breath you took right in front of me
When you said that u would leave
I was too damn stubborn to try to stop you or say anything
But I see clearly now
and this chose I made keep playing in my head
Over and over again

There were two new staff I took notice of because they were butches. Dinie looks cute to me; I like her hair. I'm collecting my spectacles tomorrow, which is something I've been looking forward to ever since I set my money on it. I was on the same shift as Priscelia today, so work wasn't that bad. Besides, I've got myself a new eyecandy during work.

Even though my boyfriend has no time to spare on dating for me and vice versa, and even though he's always asleep or at work when I need him most, nevertheless I still love him. I miss him very much. I hope our next month anniversary will be spent together, rather than being caught up with something else.

"You know what's distressing?? It's when you're so sociable and you can't find a single person to go out with you on days like this.."-Beastie-

The skies are outcast and it's supposed to be raining cats and dogs, but I'm only feeling the winds that are blowing into the house. I can't smell the rain, and I want to. Sighs. Oh.. it suddenly rained. Speaking of the devil.

It's a strange feeling, it really is. I've been in the other direction for nearly five years and suddenly I'm claiming myself straight, which doesn't feel as right as claiming myself lesbian. I'm feeling this way because I happened to chat with someone I used to crush on just last night, who happens to be a butch, and I'm feeling all tingly with the things she says to take me off my feet, like always in the past. I'm not even certain if she truly means it all, maybe it's just plain flirting, but it gets to me somewhat. Maybe I'm feeling this way only because my boyfriend doesn't say stuff to sweep me off my breath. It's the sincerity I'm looking at now, and guys sure lack a lot of those. Uncertainty and insecurity has filled me in right now; I need positive mind-strikes. Somehow, I'm missing being the way I used to be.

Don't kill me for saying that.