Its arrival will be ushered with a drizzly morning, accompanied by Dad's greatest traditional century egg porridge, followed by the family gathering around the bar for brunch. The day would be one with Mum doesn't mention divorce of the implying of it, and with Dad asking Mum if she wanted more porridge. He would refill her emptied bowl and pour her a sweet cup of coffee. Specialty married couples' brew. Jerome would join us for an afternoon at church for mass. We would all receive communion together. And after mass, we would drive our way to a loving afternoon at a park, flying kites and hopes. It would be filled with laughter, love, purity and concern. When the skies turned a deep navy, we would take a stroll to the nearest restaurant that served traditional Cantonese dimsum. We would talk about the past - a past of lovely Sundays and meaningful endeavours, a past of pretty remembrances that led to a pretty present, a beautiful past that continued to this day.

A perfect day.

Nobody may ever read this but I know God has re-read it a few billion times by the time I put a stop to this sentence.

Hope and faith are invisible forces of positivity that takes us to greater heights. Hope and faith; I've got a bit left now, but that's really good enough at this point. Maybe some day, this picture wouldn't just be a dream. Just maybe.

I've made myself give up on things that truly mattered to me far too many times to remember how frequently happy I was. I've made myself let go of relationships that made me doubt love and its genuity. I've almost allowed myself to walk out on you when the bad times felt too overwhelming. But love, my dear J, kept me going. I'm still here. My future with you spells vague and unsure, but I do want one with you. I want to hold onto the fight to keep love ablaze.

I want to perfect what has been imperfect in my life, with you.

Today, I bought a $1 sticker from an old crippling man selling ez-link stickers at the bus stop. He was selling them at the bus stop because heartless governing call-the-shots chased him out of the MRT station, which would have indefinitely been more lucrative for his already measly $1-a-sticker sales. He was standing thin swimming in his baggy clothing (in which was obviously stamped not a first-hand possession of his), heavily (the irony) leaning on his walking stick and multi-handling the gigantic stack of stickers with the cash people were reluctantly handing him with. Firstly, how could anyone's, inclusive of authorities outside the train station, heart not cringe with guilt of self-indulgence at the sight of an old man painfully trudging across the bus stop, over and over again, just to get them (yes you, self-centred woman who wore faux pas burberry skirt) who gave him the "get lost beggar" look) to out of kindness, purchase a $1 ez-link sticker?

I was feeling so proud of myself for handing him a $2 note for one sticker when I witnessed my fellow nation's people just shun away from him like some plague. It was then that I felt so bad on their behalf, I took my wallet right out and sensed an urge from my conscience to hand him the last $2 in my wallet. He declined when I offered. And at this very second where he rejected my offer, guilt rushed over me and took me over. A thought reached me. I wanted to extend a little more Godliness and comfort by inviting him to a lunch treat. But I was afraid to, because I had never done something like that before. Today would probably be a good kick start but that didn't get me stepping forward to pry those words out of my mouth. I, like all other of those people, would waste hundreds of dollars a month lavishing on luxurious food and clothing, have always thought of life to suck. This elderly human being, who was probably 50 years my senior, was earning his lunch's content selling these stickers that we (healthy and able) people think of uselessly. We, the living dead souls of this age and time, have caused hurt and pain to our own kind, humanity and conscience. It daunted upon me that life was not that bad after all, that the higher omnipotence above was giving me signs and hitting me hard on the fact that I have been complaining about my life way too unnecessarily.

It struck me, how much I took the simplest and most comforting of all little big things forgranted. I watched him struggle in and out of the bus stop shelter and a nerve of unworthiness struck me apart. Uncontrollably the tears started to surface. I had re-discovered the reason why I am human - my conscience. He understood every expression which began lingering on my face and gave me a quiet nod, acknowledging a sense of gratitude for the way I felt. No, my gesture would never be enough, but I will start someday.

I am intending on embarking on at least one charity deed during this two weeks break from work. I am far too plunged down the pit of badness to be attaining good karma, so let's just take it as me making up for all the misdeeds and complacency I have been dwelling in. For nearly all my life, I have been chasing things in which don't need chasing. Now, I have found a cause so worthy of my incessant running after. I am going to give back the good that I have ever received.

I do hope I materialise my little ambition here. Everyone needs a little bit of charity every now and then. Even people like you and I.

This is a start.

There is death, is present and happening in nearly every aspect of life. When memories once so fresh and vivid, wilt with the harsh reality of growing up, they too die. They fade, and fade, and fade, until some day, all that remains are the vague impressions of the occurences that once took place.

I remembered so much before, about Marion, about the 5 years with a certain girl, about growing up happy in a complete family, about relatives that felt more like home than they do now, about friends who swore to stand by you until time ceases to tick, etc.

The list does go on. Deaths. They happen all the time, both suddenly and gradually. But the most sorrowfully bitter of all deaths, are the ones that fade away into a realisation someday, that you once remembered everything and now live in empty shells of labels. We label memories, so that we never forget. But truth be told, we all forget. And beginning the noticing of forgetting, seems to hurt longer when it dies out.

I hope I never forget, how friendship was with Marion, how family felt like on Sunday mornings at the dining cafes, how kinship felt like during Saturdays at Grandma's, how Christmas felt like at Aunt Mary's, how closeness felt like when you first told me you love me. I hope I never forget what it is like to feel. I hope I never forget to feel, at every pulse of joy and sadness that illustrates into the person that becomes me as an adult. I hope, that no matter how life jades me, I still remember to feel, because the ability to feel gives me the faith that there is still humanity in me, that my conscience still breeds a better part of me.

With that, I pray that the uphills may get me going, and that the tough get me going stronger.

I feel extremely empowered today, despite the setbacks that have come face to face with me. And so, with this empowerment, comes a resolution, in which I am determined to stand by (strictly and firmly) until they are accomplished.

By the time I hit mid-twenties, I would already have:

1. gotten my license (in which was supposed to be fulfilled way back when I was still in my teens.)
2. finished my ABRSM Grade 8
3. have a vision lasik surgery to rid off all visual impairment (in any way possible)
4. purchased a new Panasonic lumix camera
5. been to a charity association overseas to i.e teach music/art/English or simply to help out the communities
6. travelled to a country outside the continent of Asia
7. had plans to get married and start a family in years to come
8. shifted house
9. a career in music/piano/keyboard teaching that pays me comfortably enough to satisfy my simple wants and needs
10. been happier than I ever could be.

I am optimistic today, and nobody can take that from me, because I am a powerful piece of humanity. I love myself. And, how often do I feel true to these words enough to say them? (: