New found solace grounds for writing, and vice versa, new writing grounds for solace; permanent shift of the world I call mine.

IDNL. IDNY. IDNA. YPTC.

Soulcleavage, no doubt you have been a form of therapy, but the release that I used to derive from confiding in you have brought about fragility. You have thus brought me too much memories that no longer do I wish to hold close and endearing to me.

I am shaken awake, and I am done being read. Good bye.

And I'm alright
Standing in the streetlights here
Is this meant for me
My time on the outside is over
We don't know how you're spending
all of your days
Knowing that love isn't here
You see the pictures
But you don't know their names
Cause love isn't here

And I can't do this by myself
All of these problems, they're all in your head
And I can't be somebody else
You took something perfect
And painted it red

No sympathy
When shouting out is all you know
Behind your lies
I can see the secrets you don't show
We don't know how you're spending
All of your days
Knowing that love isn't here
You see the pictures
But you don't know their names
Cause love isn't here

And I can't do this by myself
All of these problems, they're all in your head
And I can't be somebody else
You took something perfect
And painted it red
When you took something perfect
And painted it red

You take the best things from
Then everything gets empty
That's not a world that I need
You take the best things from me
Then everything gets empty
That's not a world that I need


Daniel Merriweather - Red


Merriweather. Funny name. This is such an 'ouch' song. I don't know what is absolutely wrong with bittorrent. It refuses to let me download Lady Gaga and John Mayer's new album in peace without prompting me that the path cannot be specified.

Anyway, happy 22nd 18th birthday Dana! Love you much! <3

I don’t know where I’m at
I’m standing at the back
And I’m tired of waiting
Waiting here in line, hoping that I’ll find what I’ve been chasing.

I shot for the sky
I’m stuck on the ground
So why do I try, I know I’m going to fall down
I thought I could fly, so why did I drown?
Never know why it’s coming down


Jason Walker - Down


It's amusing. It's stingingly amusing. Stop making me feel like this. Please. Just try and listen. Just be around to try.

For once in the longest time ever, me and Mr Golden Sun are actually seeing eye to eye! It's going to be a fabulous day getting soaked in the yummy sun! Goodbye to fairness!

I miss the Baby Mak Wai Keat! (((:

Edit//9:26pm
Both Baby and I are burnt nearly black. (((((((:

I actually feel much better after watching Lady Gaga's Bad Romance music video. It kind of makes anybody divert the center of gravity of emotions, to angst or anger of some sort.

I just want to get out of this empty shit hole tonight.

So throw me a rope to hold me in place. Show me a clock for counting my days down. Cause everything's easier when you're beside me. Come back and find me, cause I feel alone.

If I walk, would you run?
If I stop, would you come?
If I say you're the one, would you believe me?
If I ask you to stay, would you show me the way?
Tell me what to say so you don't leave me.
The world is catching up to you
While you're running away to chase your dream
It's time for us to make a move cause we are asking one another to change

And maybe I'm not ready
But I'll try for your love
I can hide up above
I will try for your love
We've been hiding enough


Asher Book - Try


I know the answers to the questions in the song.

Goodie goodie! I'm waiting for Baby to be done showering so that we'll finally be able to head out and play the much-awaited L4D2! I've tried a tiny bit of the demo though. Saucepan as melee weapon (lol). 

I still haven't had my red ruby dessert! Shall buy Baby Mak to get it with me later. (((:

Let's spell something.

What about. G O D D A M N E D P I S S E D.

A Steamy Affair Gathering!

All that I'm after is a life full of laughter
As long as I'm laughing with you
I'm thinkin' that all that still matters is love ever after
After the life we've been through
'Cause I know there's no life after you

Chris Daughtry - Life After You


Our song. (:

I love you so much, and sometimes I wish you could love me exactly the way I do you, so that you would understand why it hurts so persistently having to be anonymously misjudged by the people that matter to you.

I've always been brilliant with words, words to make something simple turn into jargons of magic. But for once in my life, I'm actually brilliant with my actions. It's impressively a good thing, and I hope you do realise that you are, in fact, the most special person I've ever come across and loved.

2010 is arriving in bits and fragments of time. Portions of 2010 are already pathed out for me and being human, I am afraid of sorrow, which will definitely come my way. Come 2010, we'll soon be turning 23 and I hope we see the 23rd year of our lives together.

But you're so busy changing the world
Just one smile can change all of mine

Jack Johnson - Angel


I guess cynicism is inevitable when loving is afraid of the losing. We've all had our fair fare of our histories and we've all lost before, haven't we?

I have been so happy these days that I'm scared of what's waiting for me after it ends, because happiness never really lasts. Does it?

Jerome is playing The Saltwater Room on the guitar to me over the phone. Meltdown into a puddle of goo of a heart. It sounds so sweet that I am actually swooning!!!

Serenading me until we're old and 80. ((:

GUESS WHAT. BABY AND I ARE GOING TO BUY TICKETS TO WATCH... (-inserts drum-rolls-)

1. THE KILLERS ON 23RD JANUARY 2010 (my half year monthsary to us!)
2. MUSE ON 3RD FEBRUARY 2010 (his 7th monthsary present to us!)

I am high to the skies and I am damn stoked!

The Leonid metor shower happens tonight, in less than 10 minutes. And when the stars fall across the skies from where I am able to see it, I will think of you, I will listen to Owl City's The Salterwater Room , and I'll thank God for you.

And it already is perfect.

I want you between me and the feeling I get when I miss you
But everything here is telling me I should be fine
So why is it so, above as below,
That I'm missing you every time

I got used to you whispering things to me into the evening
We followed the sun and its colours and left this world
It seems to me that I'm definitely
Hearing the best that I've heard

So throw me a rope to hold me in place
Show me a clock for counting my days down
Cause everything's easier when you're beside me
Come back and find me
Cause I feel alone

And whenever you go it's like holding my breath underwater
I have to admit that I kind of like it when I do
Oh but I've got to be unconditionally
Unafraid of my days without you

So throw me a rope to hold me in place
Show me a clock for counting my days down
Cause everything's easier when you're beside me
Come back and find me
Whenever I'm falling you're always behind me
Come back and find me
Cause everything's easier when you're beside me
Come back and find me
Cause I feel alone


KT Tunstall - Throw Me A Rope


This is such a bittersweet November song. I've got a hunch that this is going to be the best November I've had in a really many years.

Jerome and I do have our ups and downs but this is the first time I can boldly claim a relationship as ours instead of just mine. It's overwhelmingly perfect, that for the first time, I can truthfully answer friends "we're doing great!" when they ask about us (me and Jerome). I don't think I've been happy for this consecutively this long in the longest time I can remember. It's been approximately six months of being in love and love is beautiful when it's with Jerome. It's also the first time I have managed to embrace a partner's shortcomings and compromise with them, while correcting my own. No doubt this relationship has its difficulties and tremendously trying times, but every time obstacles come our way, we actually compromise in such subtle and improvise with baby steps. I can barely believe it myself, but these baby steps are helping us deal with our problems very amazingly. Best part is, we hardly planned any of this - fancying each other, courting each other, falling in love and unknowingly pathing a lifetime of years ahead of us. I can't get sick of finally being able to claim genuine joy from being in love. Sometimes it gets painful, being afraid of what's incoming for us, but more than often, I find myself realizing I'm really in for a good haul with Jerome this time. I don't think I have ever believed being happy in a long-term relationship. Sure, honeymoon is over but it's still really sweet.

So yes, I am thankful, I am hopeful, I am happy, and I am madly in love. (:

Baby steps. Those are the ones that are the mightiest of our lives.

Before even talking about trust, does anyone even realise that there is no such thing as complete trust? There's always room for some form of doubts. Either that, or it's ignorance at its play. If there's worry or insecurity, there's no full trust. So a hundred percent trust is never going to happen. More than often, we trust too much on the bad pages of life. I guess all of us having read this and thought about this ought to actualize trusting more on faith. Because however cliche it is, a little faith makes us stronger people and keeps us from falling the wrong hole.

Pennies for a thought.

Other than that, it's been a much better night tonight. Much better than last night at least, which was a horror to have to live through. And although Jerome couldn't be here physically for me, I'm contented that he was obscenely tolerant with me and concerned for me, and for the fact that he wanted to drive all the way down at 4am just to make sure I'm alright. So thank you Baby. No more MIA alright? We're good. I'm happy. You make me happiest.

I love being in love with you, and I love you.

“ If you ever decide to go, I want a warning. You know, big flashing red lights and one of those clocks that counts down like a bomb in a movie? And there’s a whole bunch of colored wires and I’m not sure which is the right one to cut but I guess the green one and then at the last second, no, the red one, then click, it stops with three-tenths of a second left but then you don’t leave. Like that, okay?

How I wish, how I wish you were here.
We're just two lost souls
Swimming in a fish bowl,
Year after year,
Running over the same old ground.
What have we found
The same old fears.
Wish you were here.


Pink Floyd - Wish You Were Here


Indeed. If only you were here.

But I love you.

I guess I'll never know, why sparrows love the snow.

I just had a conversation regarding the divorce with my mother and sister, which turned out upsetting to all parties. It's getting difficult to believe. It's frightening to believe in something you hold so much weight in. It hurts to believe, not knowing if believing is truth on its own. It's sad, feeling that nobody thinks you're worthy. It's heartbreaking, hearing your mother determined to leave a past you've lived with, with her, with your sister fighting to reconcile a broken marriage that is not her proble to begin with. It's warped and twisted, hearing your sister break down in tears trying to drive a point across that divorce is just not the solution to anything. It's riddling, wanting your mother to be happy and at the same time not wanting to desert your father into an abyss of loneliness. It's surrealism in its most painful phase, when you know there's still hope but nobody's willing to risk being hurt any further. It's breaking my heart, having to sit here and getting further used to this motion of damage.

So yes, it's hard, being here and having to write endlessly about a dilemma I cannot do anything about.

Please tell me you'll love me longer than they did, please tell me you'll love me better than they loved, please tell me you'll never walk away from me and not turn back, please tell me you'll never repeat this nightmare on me with us, please tell me that you're staying for good, please tell me that this is going to last. Because I believe in us, and I need you.

You're automatic,
And your heart's like an engine
I die with every beat
You're automatic,
And your voice is electric
Why do I still believe?

It's automatic
Everywhere in your letter
A lie that makes me bleed
It's automatic
When you say things get better
But they never...

There's no real love in you
There's no real love in you
There's no real love in you
Why do I keep loving you

It's automatic,
Counting cars on a crossroad
They come and go like you
It's automatic,
Watching faces I don't know
Erase the face of you

It's automatic
Systematic
So traumatic
You're automatic

There's no real love in you
There's no real love in you
There's no real love in you
Why do I keep loving you


Tokio Hotel - Automatic


This song is angsty. I like.

Me and my sister, we found our cat downstairs. Yes, it's Lewry! Still loitering around our block. My heart instantly melted when he reacted to his name. I'm wondering if he misses the childhood spent in the toilet, or does he actually prefer the carefree life. It felt good to find something you thought you lost, realizing someday in unpredictable ways, that you've never lost it and that it is just a little further away.

Little things in life that deserve attention and appreciation. Don't you think?

Awww...

When I was younger
I saw my daddy cry
And curse at the wind
He broke his own heart
And I watched as he tried to reassemble it

And my mama swore
That she would never let herself forget
And that was the day that I promised
I'd never sing of love
If it does not exist

But, darling, you are the only exception
But you are the only exception

Well, maybe I know somewhere
Deep in my soul
That love never lasts
And we've got to find other ways
To make it alone
Or keep a straight face

And I've always lived like this
Keeping a comfortable distance
And up until now, I had sworn to myself
That I'm content with loneliness
Because none of it was ever worth the risk

Well, you are the only exception

I've got a tight grip on reality
But I can't let go of what's in front of me here
I know you're leaving in the morning when you wake up
Leave me with some kind of proof it's not a dream

You are the only exception


Paramore - The Only Exception

All this while, it has been difficult finally growing up and realising that there are loving married couples and parents out there; more so when I'm already in my twenties and actually all grown up enough to feel tremendous heart pangs from absorbing the reality of my parents materializing a divorce. While age used to be more tender, I often told myself that it would be easier once I become an adult. But now that I'm where I imagined myself to be many years ago, it feels harder. Perhaps it consumes me deeper at this point for the fact that it is happening. I've always found myself looking for love and eventually being in love with the idea of being in love, knowing that I do not believe in it lasting. I am honestly still a large disbeliever of people and marriage getting together to fulfill a concept of God's greatest sacred gift to a man and a woman. Don't get me wrong. I do believe in marriage. I just don't believe in people committing to it like their promise they would, be it in a relationship or a marriage.

Sure, it's not easy fighting on in a relationship or marriage, with setbacks occurring one after another. But often I riddle myself with the question of how anybody could ever forsake a loved one, especially after such a long term of time. Some tell me that time doesn't matter. Well, it really does to me. The longer you love, the deeper and more mature it becomes. And when it deepens and matures, two people grow from it and become better. With time, comes emotional attachments and sentiments. How are these ever deniable?

And with all that has happened, is happening and is about to happen, I find myself faithless and sometimes, broken apart. I remind myself that Jerome will eventually leave me someday, just like most men do. I urge myself to remember the pain that my mother has been going through, so as to never permit myself to ever near this circumstance of abadonment. I am scared. I am afraid to lose the one(s) I love. I am afraid to feel lonely. I am scared of being forsaken. And hence, I am afraid to love.

"...but it's okay. I have you", so Blair tells Chuck. And yes, everything is okay and everything is going to be okay. I have you. I think I love you more than I myself think I do. All night through, I was kept captive in my thoughts and it hit me that I do want to take care of you for all time, whether or not you will ever end up needing me around for the rest of your lifetime. It shouldn't matter if you'll ever leave, because I have you now and now is all I have.

Everything is broken.

Fix me.

Mmm what you say
Mmm that you only meant well
Well of course you did
Mmm what you say
Mmm that it's all for the best
Of course it is
Mmm what you say
Mmm that it's just what we need
You decided this
Mmm what you say
Mmm what did she say

Ransom notes keeps falling out your mouth
Midsweet talk newspaper word cut-outs
Speak no feeling no I don't believe you
You don't care a bit, no you don't care a bit


Imogen Heap - Hide & Seek

Usually when things have gone this far
People tend to disappear
No one will surprise me unless you do

I can tell there's something goin' on
Hours seem to disappear
Everyone is leaving
I'm still with you


Peter Bjorn And John - Young Folks

"All the beauty I thought lost in the world is in you and around you. When I am near you I no longer feel my being contracting and shriveling. This terrible fatigue which consumes me is lifted. This fatigue I feel when I am not with you is so enormous that it is like what God must have felt at the beginning of the world, seeing all the world uncreated, formless, and calling to be created. I feel a fatigue of the tongue seeking to utter impossible things until it twists itself into a knot and chokes me. I feel a fatigue at this mass of nerves seeking to uphold a world that is falling apart. I feel a fatigue at the feeling, at the fervor of my dreams, the fervor of my thought, the intensity of my hallucinations. A fatigue at the sufferings of others and my own. I feel my own blood thundering inside of me, I feel the horror of falling into abysms. But you and I would always fall together and I would not be afraid."

Under a Glass Bell; "Je suis le plus malade des Surrealistes" by Anais Nin

Happy birthday, Mummy. You've turned 50 now and this year, I'm wishing you something different although it's the same thing that's being said every single year since I've been growing up.

This year, I'm wishing you happiness and the love you truly deserve, even if it's to the extent of separation with him. I wish you strength, to overcome all these hardships because they will never end, not for you and not for me. I'm wishing you something you deserve, not something I wished for all along. I'm wishing you God and His blessings, his guidance and his hands to hold you when life strikes you brutally. I wish you peace, when fragility and loneliness gets around too much to be bore. I wish you the best love from your daughters, inclusive of myself, that they never forsake you, especially during times when you need them the most. I wish you family love, from your brothers and sisters, from the ones God have sent to watch over and care for you as their own kin. I wish you love, from all those who already do, and from all those who promised you to, and from all those who claim to. I wish you forgiveness, that you may forgive those who have contributed to harming and hurting and eventually changing you, forcing you into a path you did not choose. I wish you all the best things in the world that material cannot afford.

Yes, happy birthday Mummy. These are all that I want for you this time round, this year. I want you to do what is right for yourself. I need you to be happy. May age never fray you, and may birthdays always remind you of joyous moments of loved ones. May this birthday give you some indescribable sense of peace and contentment. May God show you hope, because there is so much hope everywhere. May God show you the right time, people and places to find hope.

I love you Mummy. I've never said it out loud and often take you forgranted, but there is no doubt that you are the most important woman in my life for you firstly, have given me the life.

Comm law paper has resulted me in an aching hand and a heavy bout of sleepiness. Immediately headed to Yishun to buy Baby lunch after my paper. He actually kept me company last night while I was revising for comm law.

Mummy gave Jerome and me a teppanyaki treat yesterday - her advanced 50th birthday celebration. The silliest thing happened, and that was me being choked by a codfish bone. It was the first time I was ever choked so badly, and it actually lasted until today.

3 down. Last one to go!

When you love someone, it is said that you love their strengths and their flaws - their plainness and their craziness, their celery-prisoned teeth and their monstrous blechs, their cocoon-shrivelled sleeping positions and their morning breath, their bad-made breakfasts and lunches and dinners. You love them for their delightful hype-filled moods and likewise you love them in their massive breakdowns, you love them (and look away from the speed meter) even when they're speeding on the highway and may end up killing you, you love them for the way ice cream stains the corners of their lips and you love them when they smear lipped-leftover ice-cream across your face, you love them even when they tell you in a thousand ways that you're imperfect and they mean it, you love them for the way their scent lingers somehow. Their fright for beetles adores you and you love the way you save them from fear, you love them for the way they let you protect them like they were exclusively yours infinitely, you love them more because you get scared that "goodbye" will be the next thing you say to one another, you love the way you reminisce about silly fights and you love the way you fight but know that you're madly in love. You love them for the way they leave cartoon post-its on your examination notes and you love re-looking at them. You love them although they've left you crying to sleep by yourself. You love them for the way they make you feel whenever you're both shopping for Christmas decorations and you love them for the way they pick the same pieces from the stores as you do. You love them even though they don't reply your messages, you realise you love them more whenever they do. You love the way you feel whenever you read past texts and feel fluttery all over again, you love to hate and hate to love the bittersweet tugging feeling at the heart everytime they're not there and you read these to sleep. You love attending Sunday masses with them and you love how proud you feel being next to them at church. You love beginning to love things you usually hated, because they change your perceptions and because their perceptions become yours. You love the way you love them, regardless of how trying circumstances and obstacles get. You love them, for who they exactly are although that's exactly the part that breaks your heart. You love them, knowing hurt will road your way eventually. You love them, knowing they are the ones who possess the ability to light a smile from your heart. So yes, it is said that if you love someone, you love with all overwhelming lack of care of what's going to end you up in in time. You love, unconditionally. You begin to live to love. Your heart no longer belongs to you and you know it at the back of any ABCs. You know you've loved, if it hurts; and if it hurts, you've loved.

These are risks that are eating inside me, but with every ounce of the being I am, I love you and I love you beyond all your shortcomings. You're not perfect, but neither am I, and that's probably how we fix each other. I am yours and you are mine.

Remember all the things we wanted
Now all our memories, they're haunted
We were always meant to say goodbye
Even with our fists held high
It never would have worked out right, yeah
We were never meant for do or die...

I didn't want us to burn out
I didn't come here to hurt you now I can't stop...

I want you to know
It doesn't matter where we take this road
Someone's gotta go
And I want you to know
You couldn't have loved me better
But I want you to move on
So I'm already gone

Looking at you makes it harder
But I know that you'll find another
That doesn't always make you wanna cry
It started with the perfect kiss then
We could feel the poison set in
"Perfect" couldn't keep this love alive
You know that I love you so
I love you enough to let you go

Kelly Clarkson - Already Gone


I'm hooked onto this song. It's been on repeat, wherever I go, whenever I'm alone.

I need something heartfelt. I feel alone.