The loss, of being displaced in a dilemma if detachment is the best solution to this. You are painted before me like a dream comprising of innocence and joy in purest form. You aren't perfect, like all others, but you're certainly and absolutely, far nearer to perfection than I'll ever be. There is more that is required to meet the criteria for necessity. Still, this lingering inhibition is worrying my clouding mind and heart. Time, will indeed prove multitudes of what has been spoken.

But until then, I do like you, so much. This much is true and knowingly acknowledged.

Day Nine: Two smileys that describe your life right now.
1. (:
2. =D

Day Ten: One confession.
1. I have a dark secret that I will never divulge, not even when I am in the drunkest of stupors.

I remember thinking
I'll go on forever only knowing
I'll see you again
But I know
The touch of you is hard to remember
But like that touch I know no other
And for sure we have danced
In the risk of each other
Would you like to dance
Around the world with me

I'll be falling all about my own thing
And I know you're the heaviest weight
When you're not here that's hung
Around my head

And your lips burn wild
Thrown from the face of a child
And in your eyes
The seeing of the greatest view
Do what you will, always
Walk where you like, your steps
Do as you please, I'll back you up

I remember thinking
Sometimes we walk
Sometimes we run away
But I know
No matter how fast we are running
Somehow we keep
Somehow we keep up with each other


Dave Matthews - I'll Back You Up


I miss you.

Happiness looks so beautiful on you. Happiness on you, took my breath away.

Just like magic, that phased out too many years ago. This innocent enigma, caught me by surprise and off-guard.

This happiness is intimidating, because it has become bigger than me. Vulnerability has suddenly become less than a stranger. Am I safe?

Day Seven: Four turnoffs.

1. Body odours.
2. Excessive body hair.
3. Bad hold of the English language and its proficiency.
4. Sloppy presentation and hygiene.

Day Eight: Three turn ons.

1. A natural and beautiful smile.
2. Preppy/Indie dressing sense.
3. Musical inclinations.
4. Mild and honest vulnerability.

Day Six: Five people who mean a lot. (in no order whatsoever)

1. Mum
2. Sis
3. Dad
4. Dana
5. Potato

Day Four: Seven things that cross your mind alot.

1. I feel fat so I probably look fat.
2. I need to stop shopping online.
3. Should I run?
4. Wondering if you're thinking of me as constantly as I do of you.
5. Must stop drinking so much at parties.
6. Life is too good to let a man matter enough to make it suck.
7. Need to facebook. Need to tweet.

Day Two: Nine things about yourself.

1. I have a feint scar on the left side of my nose from removing my nose piercing. Yes, I had a nose piercing.
2. My tattoo acts as a constant reminder that I must carry my cross virtuously, regardless of difficulties.
3. My current occupation and location of teaching, makes my job my dream job.
4. I have developed a love for running because it is the only way I will allow myself to vent emotions out consciously.
5. I love children, and I'm really good with them.
6. I love baking and cooking, and I have tons of books on these topics.
7. I am a hopeless romantic, who is deeply drawn to dark romance.
8. I am a gentleman at heart.
9. I am a horoscope junkie, but I've learnt to deviate from my Gemini characteristics.

Day Three: Eight ways to win your heart.
1. Never be too nice and never going extremely all-out, yet never be a jerk.
2. A beautiful and deep mind that mutually coincides with mine.
3. Communicate with me. Hold deep conversations.
4. Be here for me. Be here with me. And even if you can't, beat yourself up about it because you need/want to, that much.
5. Look at me and truly believe that I am beautiful, inside and out. But never (even if so), tell me you are in love with me because I look beautiful.
6. Never take me lightly. I word my speeches and questions in riddles, but I am always indicating or referring to something.
7. Don't be a bore. Monotony's not my cup of tea. Not one bit.
8. Romance. Never let that die out.

10 day challenge.

Day One: Ten things you want to say to ten different people right now.
Day Two: Nine things about yourself.
Day Three: Eight ways to win your heart.
Day Four: Seven things that cross your mind alot.
Day Five: Six things you wish you'd never done.
Day Six: Five people who mean a lot. (in no order whatsoever)
Day Seven: Four turnoffs.
Day Eight: Three turn ons.
Day Nine: Two smileys that describe your life right now.
Day Ten: One confession.

Day One: Ten things you want to say to ten different people right now.

1. Thank you for promising to be patient with me, and to willingly offer to wait it out for/with me. It hasn't been too long but we're waiting it out. Without promises, you're still here protecting me. I can't wait for all our plans to materialize and be executed.
2. We gave and we took, each at different parts of our lives, throughout those years. And nothing about that gives you the divine right to hate me. We did hurt one another, to farthest extreme ends. But don't ever forget, that you did it last to me. We were young, and ever so foolish. I did what I had to, to move on. I've wished you happiness for years now. It's time you did the same for me.
3. You have always been the one to receive my deliriously devastated self with loving arms and spirit. I don't think I could live without you. I do hope I am cherishing you to my very own optimum.
4. I don't know which light holds your impression in me anymore. It has fluctuated far too many times beyond count. I don't know if forgiveness is the right word I should be working hard towards when it comes to you. But I know I need to start trying.
5. You, broke me the hardest. You have always been aware of that ability, yet you took that to your sole advantage. Now I can't even remember how I ever got anywhere with you. You're a terrible excuse for a human being. You ought to realise that.
6. Through some force of warped unexplainable nature, we'll always run back to each other, no matter what. I'll always be here to protect you. (You make me laugh the hardest, always.)
7. You have been the second greatest friend any living person could ever have. I am grateful for the mutual friendship we share that stands tighter now, than ever. Someday, you'll be the Godpa to my children and I, the Godma of yours.
8. You have waited it out for a long time. In fact, the longest anyone has, for me. But we cannot be what we are not meant to be. But I'll always be your friend, if you'll have me. Trust me, I'm a keeper for a friend.
9. I miss you, so much, everytime I think of you. The scarring pain has began fading away, but I know we're still connected, in the strangest of ways. I'll see you someday, somehow. God will let us meet again.
10. Deep down, I really hope you'd wake up and stop living in so much delusional ideations of twisted relationships. You're a great man, so stop picking those with most insane of characters. There is not a single bone of yours that is unkind, and you do deserve better.

It's a choice to stay
It's a dream yeah and I wanna wake
You have blood on your hands and I'm feeling faint
And honey yeah, you can't decide

I'm a drug you don't wanna give up
Smoke your cigarette and make your love flow
You poured blood in my heart, I can't get enough
I'm drowning and you can't decide

It's not about geography or happenstance
You need to fly and take a chance
You don't need to soar to emptiness
And float on high and forever dance alone
You're scared 'cause I feel like home

I hear your voice and I knew right away
If you were here what your eyes would say
I have blood on my feet as I walk away
Rivers are red, it's starting to rain

I'm not gonna live for you or die for you
Won't do anything anymore for you
Because you leave me here on the other side
You leave me here on the other side

I won't live for you or die for you
Won't do anything anymore for you
Because you leave me here on the other side
Oh, you leave me here on the other side

I won't live for you or die for you
Won't do anything anymore for you

I'm not gonna shed one more tear for you
Shed one more tear for you
I'm not gonna shed one more tear for you
At least not 'til Sunday afternoon, Sunday afternoon


Rachael Yamagata - Sunday Afternoon

Things I am happy and grateful for/about this week:

• My kids at the international school has been obedient, and they have been improving so rapidly over the past couple of weeks. In addition, lessons with them are always fun and chipper. These kids make me happy so easily.
  
• My tutee did a drewing for me to welcome me into her house. She practiced her pieces.
• My other tutee (the above's brother) is nearly ready to take his virgin ABRSM theory examinations and I'm certain he's going to score me some pride with a distinction.
• Dana spent the night at my place last night after boozing at the pavilion for a bit. It felt like living the reminiscing, just conversing and doing nonsense until the crack of dawn. Time with her made me appreciate and cherish my loved ones, a lot more.
• I'll be giving a garage band crash course to my very own primary school (CHIJ Katong Convent). Am extremely proud of myself. This one week of crash course lessons is equivalent to earning my moolahs for the entire month. Go figure the numericals.
• My stamina has improved from consistently going for weekly runs. I've hit 3 laps now. It's just going to get better.
• Pay's arriving!
  
• Crazy partying with the buddies and long time friends!
  

What if we stopped having a ball
What if the paint chips from the wall
What if there's always cups in the sink
What if I'm not what you think I am
What if I fall further than you
What if you dream of somebody new
What if I never let you win and chase you with a rolling pin
Well, what if I do?

Cause I am giving up on making passes
and I am giving up on half empty glasses
and I am giving up on greener grasses
I am giving up

What if our baby comes in after nine
What if your eyes close before mine
What if you lose yourself sometimes
I'll be the one to find you safe in my heart.

I am giving
I am giving up on greener grasses
I am giving up
for you.
I-I am giving up for you
I am giving up


Ingrid Michaelson - Giving Up

Everytime recollections of past hurt re-ignite, the familiar vulnerability takes another visit down pain's lane. Emotions are foolish lee-ways of complacency - a type that overlooks all roughs of journeys towards staunch control. Even if they are not, emotions seem to play the leading roles of liabilities more than any single mentionable form of comfort. Too long have I been evading matters of the heart, and my complete control has been a form of favourite comfort. It took three trying months to get past constant wantings to ruin myself, to finally have me composed to this safe and confident person that makes me now.

Tonight, I am being reminded of a brokenness not too distant. I am weak, because I have loosened my grip of that control. This how being capable of profoundly feeling plagues me.

You and your beautiful mind, are greatly akin to a dark and infinite lullaby. One that romances me in deeper, one that will strike me weaker. Your thoughts remain enigmatic to me, the irony that revolves around you has had my fascination encapsulated. Still, my forts erect with unbreakable resistence. A heart, can indeed possibly be hard, and encaptured, all at once; of knowing of an astounding capability, yet declining opportunities for another dose of profound mystery.

Happiness is the art of being broken ~ Bruce Dawe

Happiness is the art of being broken
With least sound. The old, whom circumstance
Has ground smooth as green bottle-glass
On the sea's furious grindstone, very often
Practise it to perfection. (For them, death
Is the one definitive shrug
In an infinite series, all prior gestures
Take relevance from this, as much express
Sorrow for stiff canary or cold son.)

Always the first fragmentation
Stirs us to fear...Beyond that point
We learn where we belong, in what uncaring
Complex depths we roll, lashed by light,
Tumbling in anemone-dazzled fathoms
Seek innocence in surrender,
Senility an ironic act of charity
Easing the agony of disparateness until
That day when, all identity lost, we serve
As curious for children roaming beaches,
Makeshift monocles through which they view
The same green transitory world we also knew.

Don't yearn to break my walls down. Accept me for my strength of a defence mechanism. And if it's meant to be, my forts of guards will crumble. We'd just have to wait.

Good times. Live it up, while singlehood still stands. (:












September this year was by far the best month I have ever had as a single woman. The rest of 2010 is injected with endless glee and opportunities. I am thrilled to also announce that the company has offered me a contract with my former primary school. I've long wanted to teach in a convent school, what more the privelege of teaching in one that brought me up to somewhat be the person I am now.

Zoukout happens in December too. That would be my very first Zoukout experience. Guetta is spinning! I am brimmed with exhileration. Can't wait.

Life's been so awesome, words can hardly measure up to its extent. I hope it stays this way.

Even the wealthiest and wisest of human beings, grow old and die like the rest of us. Death does not discriminate, and it will not make spare any of the humanly extraordinary. At the end of time as we know it, death catches up with us just the same as it will any other. Most of us get choked up with fear at the imagination of how we'd process death and dying. The older we age, the deeper the fear instinctively instills within.

Ever since a fateful happening many a years ago, I have not been able to bring myself to watch montages compiling death and nostalgia. Have been there, have done that, have had a part of myself killed every since, and I have not been willing to subject myself to any recollection of that major fragment of my past.

There is no bottomline to this post that speaks of death in the least fondly manner. The only summation that can be possibly inscripted, is that death is probably my biggest fear. Not the implemention of my passing or the process of it, but rather the anticipation or loss of someone dear.

Have you ever lost someone beloved and had that loss weigh you down like a buried underlying scar for the rest of your life, like a turning point? Mine was never over the loss of a romantic partner, mine will always be over the physical and spiritual going of a best friend. The truth of her last breath and the way it came about, will always remain my turning point. There is nothing I can do to turn that around.