These people, are my world. These people, make my family.








It was all I could ever ask for, while it lasted. My childhood was picture perfect.

God has blessed me abundantly. I do not lack. Contentment is all there is to it. One of my biggest blessings, is my love. This boy, is the one who stole my grey skies and adorned them with flowery rainbows.

And I could not ask for more.

No stranger has loved me, more than you do and have been. My heart is inclined alongside yours, and abandonment shall and will never pose as an option towards you. You are my imperfect, perfect beautiful man.

Hear me out and believe me, because my faith in us is sturdy as a fortress. Sailing towards a lifetime, we are. Lock this promise up with me with the intertwined affinity we share.

"Always" is not a term in the list of vocabulary that is utilised and implemented very frequently by me, but be my "always". What we have is nothing short of magnificently breathtaking. Every bone and ounce of me, just wants to make you happy and wishes intently to be the cause of your smiles.

There is nothing to look back at, because all that my being wants to do is to immerse in this Present and that Future, with you.

I love you, Benjamin Tay Aik Joo.

Father Goh told us that we have given Jesus the best birthday present, by being convinced of love, but on the other hand, Jesus has given me the greatest Christmas present I could have ever received - His love and his forgiveness.

This Christmas, my intentions of rave parties and feasts have simmered to a simple desire, to celebrate the birth of Christ and to be brimmed with contentment with loved ones around me.

I want to write. I want so much to literate and have these memories of my experience with God inscripted onto a tangible vice, so that I would never forget what it felt and feels like being completely protected by Him. I want to be able to read back what amazing feels like in this breathing spirit of mine during doubtingly trying days. I want to forevermore be in this state of body mind soul and spirit. I want to remain this free. I want to be this child of God, vulerable yet unafraid. I want to always feel this love that I know would never be taken away from me, regardless of trials and tribulations my journeys may bring.

Forgiveness from the heart, is breathtakingly beautiful. The act, the notion, the genuity and the truth of forgiveness, has liberated every aspect of me - my body, my mind, my soul, my spirit. I am freed of grudges long borne toward people who caused me harm or hurt. As much as my conscious lip had me fooled into believing that I was nobody in position to grant forgiveness, I was weighed with tremendous unforgiveness towards certain people in my life. For the first time in my life, I fully comprehended and understood the meticulous sacrifice made by my Lord Jesus. A Father's love, is great and immeasurable. My Father's love, is that love. I could never view love the way I grew up generalising it as. I could never put myself through believing that love is weak. I could never tell myself, that love would depart.

Dear Jesus, thank you, for freeing me, for holding me in your warm embrace when all I reeked of were inhibitions, for touching my heart and spirit, for showing me what love is all about. My faith has been renewed, my hopes have been lifted up high, and love will carry me through this life. Teach me and guide me, to pray true and deep. I never want to lose the feeling of being close to You as I did the past 4 days. I want to relive it every day for the rest of my life. I believe I have never ever said this to You, Father, so I will start right now. I love you Jesus. I love you, like a child loves her Father and like a soul loves its Saviour.

Faith, hope, love - God, I am here believing, because I've got You.

This brokenness wouldn't leave.

The division of the flat is finalised and concluded. Less than two weeks before Christmas, yet God couldn't try His best to be more tactful towards my feelings. Perhaps it is the closure my mum needs. But right now, I'm in such a delirious state that the pain feels so surreal. There are shattered pieces of glass across the hall. I am holding onto my dog because she is the only one in this family that is still remotely fondly famliar. She is the only one at this very moment that offers and provides me comfort. She is the only one who feels humane. She is the only one that feels a better emotion called Love. There is more to fear than yet another round of physical violence and anticipation of departures. I don't want to step out and witness once more, how ugly my parents are.

You both, have broken my heart, inside out. You have mercilessly bled my soul dry. You have made me unbelonged. You have made me into a monster without control tonight.

I am human. I, too, can fall too hard. I am breakable, and I have died, again. I wish I literally could, right now.

Faith, Hope, Love, stay close. God, I need You now. Keep me sane. Keep me wanting to stay sane, because all I want now is to be taken away. I don't want to stay here. I don't want to be in this God-forsaken house. I want to ruin myself. But above all, I need to reserve control against what I feel now. So God, where are you now?

I am but a piece of shattered glass on that floor.

I want to share a kiss with you under the mistletoe. I want to cook for you. I want to bake for you. I want to say silly things to cause your laughters. I want to learn the guitar from you. I want to defend you, under any circumstance. I want to be the reason of your smiles and the cure to your pains. I want to do so much with and for you, to add on to our happy memories together.

I need to. I love you so very dearly, Benjamin Tay. You hear me?

You're my superman. With you, I'll never be unhappy or lost again.

The Saturday night of the forth of December this year, my love for you collided into its revelation and snapped into maturity. From the cautious and guarded 'love' it once was, it has transcended into an unfathomable force of blind power - one so impaired to implement forceful control. Today is the day, of the commence of the bearing of that invincible love, a love that would never be retracted come what may. I'd never feel whole or complete without you from here on, and from here on, I'd be lost and distraught if you would ever forsake me. This day is one, that you would forever more note and remember having concrete access to the deepest recesses of my soul - the best of me, and what used to be the handicapped giver in me that was thought to be lost. Every guarded fortress met their respective exhaustion. Admittingly, I am weary from resisting and distrusting you for no rhyme or reason.

Damage now poses as the biggest danger you could ever put me through, but I'd still choose to love you all over again.

Ben, you are my good karma. You are that good karma that I've been dumped so many times for so that I could meet you someday. You are the good karma I have earned, after paying back for the many hearts I have broken. You are the one who unexpectedly, walked right into my life to heal me. You are the only one I wouldn't plunge into loving, but would be the only one that I'd wind up loving for a lifetime. You are the only one, who would undoubtingly protect me with every ounce of your might and will. You are the one, who would never intentionally hurt me with your lips and your bare hands. You are the only one, after unpredictable twists of fate all this while, who would fight for me and share the fight for love with me.

Perhaps it's as true as it feels deep, that my exception has finally knocked my door.



You happened, to me. Happy first monthsary love. (:

Home is where your heart is, and in Benjamin's heart, I am safely home.

My youth has been maxed out re-writing all types of resolutions for a broken home, a detailed and meticulous wreckage that was not my doing. Years that belonged to me, have been inserted into an accumulation of nearly a decade, in making up and compensating for mistakes that were never made by me. These are not my sins and blunders. These are not my worries to weigh me with age of every form. Life-changing sacrifices have been made on my part. What else am I lacking in the doing and the giving?

Home is where the heart is. Where's my heart?

The air is crochetted with nightfall and a thick spread of solace. All grim faces lace away in a wash of an eye's blink. Wretchedness no longer prevail in these recent days. Felicity floats lightly and sweeps across as smiles in snippety whiffs of saccharine.

Woman meets a beautiful man with a beautiful soul. Woman falls in love with the beautiful man's beautiful soul.

Woman loves beautiful Man. I love you.

Sinus' visit is so bad tonight, my body has concluded in losing so much fluids via my nose. To worsen circumstances, my tattoo is itching up a storm and all I want to do is bark my back up against a rough wall. With additional causes of insomnia (or being unable to crash into unconsciousness for the night), checking out atrological compatability seems to be the next best thing to do while munching on oreo cookies.

Ben and I spent a solid total of 4 hours over the phone this evening. We have been counting down the days to the Christmas party and our Bangkok (virgin overseas) trip. 24 more days to Christmas and 25 days to our flight to Bangkok!

Sometimes, it seems so silly (and almost foolish) to me that you are giving and compromising so much for me and for us. Other times, I am drawn into a conscious belief that I must've been a really kind and good person that God allowed to let us meet, in the oddest of places. Which ever the actual reason(s) to all this amazing progress we're making together in this relationship may be, we're in a great place. I'm in a perfect place in life now. Thank you, for enduring me for these months now and for being ever-so patient. I was the first girl you'd ever love and those were emotionally dangerous risks you took by waiting by for me to be ready. You took the plunge of risking on any way. So thank you, for not giving up on my ability to love and for seeing the best in me when I was distraught.

I kinda love us.