The atmosphere is embalmed with the aftermath coolness of an afternoon of downpour. Music has kept its devoted vigil by me. The day has been the paragon of sloth. Idling always branches out to unnecessary emotions.

I miss you missing me.

We've been hitching many trips to the Esplanade, with bags of snacks and goodies to binge on. Rather enjoyable actually.

Bawled like a mad bitch due to the series of major disputes she and I had this afternoon. She possesses issues complimenting her gorgeous girlfriend aloud verbally. It is downright ridiculous to deprive me of honest and frank flattery (unless you've seen me after I've popped a several shots of alcohol or you've witnessed me at my state at home right now). The hat she casually tried on looked stunning on her. I will buy! Anyway, I was bought a Zara top. Skimpy; I like! Let's hit the malls again soon, pretty please?

I need baileys with chocolate milk and chocolate martinis!

There's always a point in your life whereby you dedicate your heart to a soulmate. Mine happens to be a girl. It occurs first, by the strike of decision of fate and destiny, next it is by choice that I bared myself and stripped away all guards for somebody. A very exclusive and special somebody at that.

Not everything is by choice. Not the way I was born to inherit brown eyes my mum has, not how I'm tanner like my dad, not how affinity decides to play its cards on someone as stereotypically polygamous as me. Well guess what, I am changed and I take eternal pride in that certain someone for mending my old ways. For the only time by far of commitment, I am not ashamed because blunders have been abundant and well learnt from. Most definitely, me and my partner have strayed emotionally and physically before. Take a moment basked in solemnity to realise that to love is to forgive. I don't want to see a point or importance in raking up past events to only further scar inflictions which have not been attended to, to heal. To err is only human, to change for the better is a revert of human nature and more than many often, we surprise ourselves at the foolishness of our choices, all in the namesake of love. Still, I am not daunted or ashamed.

To love, is to feel at the peak of all other sensations and rushing of adrenaline. To love, is a marvellous achievement. And to love, has been the only turning point with effects on me. I think she deserves some credit and compliment for that alone.

I want to stop being judged but it's never going to happen. I'm who I am and people should begin accepting the normality of my sexuality. The routes I weaved my way through are the ones I have set my mind on and I wish to be wished love, because all other good things follow love up.

Everything hurts. Only the ones you love will be able to hurt you. Yes, no? And without a blink of hesitation or doubt, I love you.

Figure I'm really upset. A long walk will soothe, hopefully.

Devil's bar (as a freeloader) for the free entry and free drinks, a failed virgin shot at Mambo(at Zouk), a revoltingly suffocating r&b and hip hop dancing experience and pratas and murtabak chat till 5am session. The conversations posed more fun than the partying because the clubs were horded by university prisoners.

Bumped into Jac at Devil's Bar.
Xueling has become so hot! Oh yes, bumped into her too.
The three (*gulps*) butches
First few attempts.
Cheryl, Julian, Cheryl.

Mambo forever trio.
Julian's a happy girl.

Alas, a good shot.
The waiters. We waited and waited and waited...


After supper, at 5am in the morning.

Question is, to mambo again or not to mambo again?

23rd September's 'Exclusively Jo' organized by Julian. Rather brilliant job in planning out the entire party. The food was sumptuous and the people was whacky. Absolute fun; all thanks to Julian and company.










It was a marathon of conserved energy. Gave tuition in the morning and attended Overdrive semi-finals in the evening. The competition was fierce, but nevertheless it was a blast.






Day after, we attended the Singapore Idol Finals results show. There were live performances by Taufik Batisah, Electrico (It is Electrico we're talking about. Local music, you go!). A 9000 tonsils-shrilling crowd to snap anybody into the atmosphere to scream along. We all know the winner.













Work was reasonable. I gather my bones have rusted from the lack of work since I quit from the previous job. There came the binging session the moment I stepped into the house.

Another thing to take note will be that results will be released on 5th October 2006. Apart from IMDP3's grades, the rest are still in their ambiguous stages. The upcoming semester will definitely be nerve-wrecking.

Here's a story from one of my eating escapades tonight. Satisfied and wearing the silliest glee on my face, I was tucking into a bowl of black bean soup mummy dearest brewed. The steaming concoction of pork ribs, beans, Chinese herbs, scallops, garlics and onions was barely wiped out by me. It was at this point, that I scooped a spoonful of soup and prepared for a saliva-inducing mouthful, when a moth fluttered right into my soup. You read it right. INTO THE SOUP, MY MUMMY'S SOUP, MY MOUTH-WATERING BOWL OF SOUP. That's not the weirdest part of the trauma. Next, I witnessed the moth's wings dissolving into the piping hot soup. I nearly vomited onto the melted moth. How revolting is that!

You really need to top up the climax of the story with Julian's reaction towards this incident.

Julian: OMG........
Julian: gross.
Julian: that is sick
Julian: poor moth actually
Me: stupid actually
Julian: poor girl/boy
Me: whahawhawawha
Me: fuck u sia
Julian: ahahh rally what
Julian: poor thing
Julian: wanting to have some soup
Julian: but got melted in the end
Me: i think he/she missed
Julian: lol
Julian: missed landing

Happy birthday, Jorita! "Exclusively Jo" was the first birthday bash named with the styling of a club party. Food, laughter, liquor, company, surprises, slaps and vomit were aplenty. Overdrive semi-finals later, so exciting!

Chua (also known as Banana Man), your texts nectared my morning and they mean the world to me. I've kept this blog void of affections for far too long and I want to indite dedications to you and feel the robust of love, all over again. Time and circumstances have travelled us through age and phases, yet it's you I wish to be by through good times and bad. Mistakes incurred can never be justified and I don't want to taint the wrongs and rights. I love your silliness, your foolishness, your habits, your whines, and needless to mention, I love you.

I want. I need. I could. I should. I would. I can. I shall. I must. I will. I do.

Let speed prostrate in a dragged crawl and, life be picked up. Perhaps every slice of leaf descends from its affirmed roots to settle for settling down on better grounds. How delicate and vulnerably fragile love is, with the irony of love itself being reason, cause and effect of strength and faith in a wholesome being. The constant choke and swallow of undesired breakdowns cause wear and tear.

What becomes of us, but meer mannequins of the weak and undecided? Which are those better grounds? Am I the leaf or the reason of its foundation?

Love moved a mountain of barriers off this gilded heart of mine. Love reshaped perceptions and developed an urgency towards commitment. Love approved monogamy in a stubborn stereotype. Love forked out plenty, just like me, yet returns are unpredictably disheartening. And love, is never calculative, uncouth or spiteful; it's us. I'm uncertain if I'm still a lover of love, but I do love and am loving.

Happiness and love; which would be your choice of the two?

Felicity swerved multiple rounds in eccentric movements. An undying heart eventually shrivels with dehydration of affections. Failure of drive forces us into a shame pit, with nobody to shine a peek of light. Survival chases reality in smokes of pity states with no skeleton to sustain grip of faith. Nostalgia becomes only yesterdays of reminisce and tomorrow is a predictable ambiguous. Promises are always, to manipulate fate. Yet, a heart like mine clings onto affinity with love, trust, faith, determination and you.

Will there be more pretty yesternights and better tomorrows, with you? How do we go on from here?

Good lord! I clean wiped out remembering to complete peer appraisals. Just scurried through them. I'm craving for Swenson's ice cream and Kimchi soup. My lifestyle is seriously in need of a strict diet (this is where I'll be seeing glaring eyes).

Did some online shopping again (oops). Ikea is holding a huge sale, which also means more shopping!

So much to do! Planning for FYP, portfolio website, Forbidden City, Overdrive 2006 finals, massive retail therapy, tanning catch-up, meet-ups (direct hint to Phoebe, Dana, Xue, Maine, Dawn, Jyen, Julian, Ryan and etc), intensive working out, minimal binging and more loving!

Semester break, here I come! Everyone, be happy and stay happy!

An empty room can be so deafening,
The silence makes you wanna scream,
It drives you crazy.
I chased away the shadows of your name,
And burned the picture in a frame,
But it couldn't save me.

And how could we quit something we never even tried,
Well you still can't tell me why.

We built it up,
To watch it fall.
Like we meant nothing at all.
I gave and gave the best of me,
But couldn't give you what you need.
You walked away,
You stole my life,
Just to find what your looking for.
But no matter how I try,
I can't hate you anymore.

Your not the person that you used to be,
The one I want who wanted me,
And that's a shame but,
There's only so many tears that you can cry.
Before it drains the light right from your eyes,
And I can't go on that way.
And so I'm letting go of everything we were,
It doesn't mean it doesn't hurt.

Sometimes you hold so tight,
It slips right through your hands.
Will I ever understand?

Holding heart to heart conversations all day long like this with you always eases my blues. I wouldn't have a clue what I'd wind up being if there wasn't you to talk to. I couldn't feel more contented to have my bestest friend in this whole wide world be here for me and listening to my rants (and exchanging woes) instead of being out at the chalet. Virtual chats are never enough. I think you get the drift. So much love goes out to you, Cheryl Lim.

Happy second anniversary, Hagefive :D
Gone short!

Peer appraisals not even halfway accomplished yet. 300 word individual reflection by tonight. Interview later. Best of luck to me!

Semester break, ongoing for the next two weeks. Dying to shop.

Then.... Final Year Project.

Words are cheap, but I'm being denied of even meer words.

Okay, hiatus hiatus hiatus. Find the private blog if you can. Bye.

Ingrid: u wanna be bung too ?LMAO
Ingrid: we can be brothers =x
Me: then h5 got 3 butches
(Ingrid changes her nick to "//myy - the h5 bros =x")
(I change my nick to "The Hagefive Female-He(s)")

By the way, that includes Phoebe.

Cooked sweet and sour pork and yoghurt omelette for her a few days back and I hope she misses the work of my hands. It feels fantastic to be getting sky-high praises and compliments from her for the food I prepared, since she has been condemning my culinary skills when I fried that omelette black (years ago). She cooked a lot of food: Taco chilli chicken, cheese omelette, a huge fillet of salmon, Bratwurst sausages and chicken burger, and this champulung dish designed from leftovers. The mocha she makes is still my all-time favourite!

I love you, I've loved you all along. I miss you; far away for far too long. I keep dreaming you'll be with me and you'll never go. I'll stop breathing if I don't see you anymore. I wanted you to stay. I needed to hear you say "I love you, I've loved you all along. I forgive you for being away for far too long. So keep breathing cause I'm not leaving anymore. Believe it, hold onto me; never let me go."

Didn't want to want you, didn't want to need you so bad, didn't want to wake up and find that I was falling so fast, didn't want to need you, didn't want to need anyone. Now look what you've done. Now I can't go on without you; I'm naked, I can't fake it. I'm not that strong without you. Never thought I could love you, the way I do. I love you, I need you, I want you, the way I do.

Baye, I love you more than I imagined myself to be ever loving. We both made stupid mistakes, we both hurt and ended up hurt. I'm sorry to be welling more haunting inflictions in your eyes and in your heart. I'm mending all that I can. I don't care for the mistakes you made and I'm not going to kick a fuss or act up. Just don't do it again, ever. Just love me.

Forever.

The bittersweet aftertaste of love is overwhelming. Confusion has been loitering somewhere in between my head and heart for far too long. Time has raced against endurance, yet I withstood more than I thought I would. My fingers run across your chin and swifts your face into your position towards me. I melt into an apt embrace while gazing into your saddened eyes. Swept to the obselete recesses of my mind are the shams of you and her. Here and now, I whisper, "the smiles in your eyes are the prettiest". If this isn't love, what is?

On a lighter note, my hair's really short now!

There is a darkness deep in you; frightening magic I cling to. Twentieth or first matters nothing. I just need you to be happy.

Editing photographs and summing collages isn't as easy as it is portrayed to be. IMDP3 premieres will be held next Friday; how pee-inducing quick is that?! Listening to techno while crazily mass-cropping images, is therapeutic. Pro-techno? I've been tuning in to an eccentric range of music and the variety actually perks me up from the sleepiness.

I'll just allow thriving lethargic vibes to victor.

V12 up! There is multiple tasks to be completed by today and tomorrow but I'll settle for accomplishing Soulcleavage version 12 and editing of some background collages for O$P$'s flash website.

A certain someone has been hitting the snooze button on me all day. I was instructed to wake her up after she has napped for half an hour. Two hours have went by and still, I cannot bring myself to jostle her out of bed.

I should never take an afternoon nap again because I never fail to awake from naps feeling grumpy and violent.

Baby had her bath late last night. Fleas infestation :(

Experimented drinking a bubble from a straw.


The crew at the back of the pick up, racing against Adrian and Georgie.

It's in the manipulation of the worth of deserving. Sacrifices become eccentric; provision of them coming from extreme ends to coagulate confusion. Neither any warrants a fixed security to be ascertained for all time. It would be ideal if we could just blind out any other, to bask in the presence of two's perfection.

If I shelter you from storms and brave them under this shelter with you...

Her eyes fixed themselves
Into a gaze that robed away defences
"Let's work things out this time"
"Our hearts will sing and frolick to saccharine rhymes"

The casting skies blued
Fragrant greenery danced their sways
Sceneric landscapes charmed with greater hues
Brightest were those days

In the pitch of nightfall came lady fate
Like a needle in the haystack, she discovered favour in Our date
Two stories in one clash
A thin thread of survival ebbed away into nothingness
Staining lovers; love and commitment in gashes

Twenty and one
Twenty or one
One and twenty
One or twenty
What difference would it make
When amendments may have came too late

Realisation hits the spot
Truth stabs the heart
Last shot, we promised, last shot
Still, you forgot to remember that I've loved you right from the start

So happy first, darling, happy first
I vow to change my ways
Away from that monster I was, at my worst
So happy first, darling, happy first

Finally got to catch up a measly bit with Miss Low, with unfortunate news that she will no longer be teaching full time in KC. Most of the teachers have aged quite a bit, with some other teachers already tying their marriage knots; a few have even passed on. The walkway walls were pinned with really impressive artwork! Mrs Jalleh was holding a conversation with me regarding my sister's academic progression and I felt like a mother to my sister. I spoke incessantly about secondary four art camp and our pranking tricks, and it brought back many memories of how days used to be back in the earlier phase of youth. From there, it rushed more memories of truancy and rebel during the secondary-school-crisis period and thinking about it was actually fun. Wish Marion was there with me every year to scrutinize and pass remarks on the descendents of KC.

Beloved nostalgia
Old days forwarded
You and me
Thank you (:

The floor was intensely clustered with blue swarms of school girls. You were right beside me and I showed you to my world today. I felt the surge of pride electrify me throughout. The latter brimmed their lungs with cheers as you watched in amazement of a cohort of girls scream rowdily. Intently and eye-stuck, you kept your watch against the crowd of a thousand odd whilst I narrowed my focus onto you.

Thank you for being there, and here.