You are due for home. Anxiousness has been causing me to jump up at every text or call today. But no, none of them were from you. Not a word for 3 entire days now.

Did you even try?

I can't imagine life without you both. I'll always have your backs.

Love of mine, today is my best friend's birthday. You should have been there with us this evening. It was lovely, and overwhelmed with familial affections and friendship. It felt like a feast with friends who have known each other forever. This has been repeated over and over via various forms of media, but this birthday of Dana's is the 6th birthday that I am celebrating with her.

All in all, wished you were there.







I love you best friend. May we celebrate our future birthdays together, for the rest of our lives. Happy birthday Dana. (:

Living a woven fairytale; dreaming of ominous storms.

Slumber has been visited by hauntings of people of individual pasts, juxaposed and collectively into one unconscious story.

God, I miss Ben so mightily much, and admitting it to friends isn't making it easier to miss him less.

Day 1 of you being out of town. You are sorely missed, dearest.

I know how excited you were (for and with me) about my new tattoo, and I know how much you wished to have gone through this experience with me. It means a lot - your eagerness, your support, and your need to be with me through this.

Here it is.

My iPod nano has been uselessly shelved away for the past half a year because I have been too lazy to simply plug it to my laptop and update my playlist. So much has transitioned and transcended these six months, apart from my music taste. The year is closing in to an end. There is plenty to be reviewed and reflected. As much as my youth will be dearly missed, the rest of a lifetime awaits me.

It is finally the to let go of a lifetime of what ever I've still been holding on to.

Languished, and sleeping with the idea of you being around. Encompassing the illusion of this notion shall pass. Needing you like that, cannot make me. Pining for your physical presence cannot be how my nights are insomniacly dispensed. My ever-ready convenience is always going to put me through this exact sick cycle carousel.

Too weak to escape feelings, too strong to pour my heart all over the table; my limbo on love.

I pray that with me, you'll never have to fake a smile or hold a tear back. I pray that, you'll always be my vulnerable and beautiful other half, because that will be what keeps me standing by you, knowing that you love me adequately to trust me with your fragility. And above all that, I pray that I am giving my utmost to make you happy.

I want to have made you happy yesterday. I want to make you happy today. I want you make you happy tomorrow. I want all of your yesterdays, todays, and tomorrows with me to be happy.

You have been unconditionally doing all that for me for months now. I have put you through a fair measure of my temperaments and cynicism. And when all I had were abilities and capabilities of hurling my inhibitions back your way, you said to me,"if you don't believe in love, believe in us."

I'll always want to make you happy, but I'll always, too, have extreme inhibitions of emotional attachment and departures. You have been notified of the stories of me growing up and of me being a grown-up. This is the risk you will have to take by affirming your choice of being with me - also being in love with the vulerablility in me of fearing.

Could it be, that it is not improbable for grown-ups to uncover their soulmates? Could it be, that the vulnerability I saw in your soul through your eyes was the utmost truest daze of affinity I would ever witness from a man to a woman?

Romance and chilvary and magic happen when you're around - like the times when music literally plays when we step into a place, and like the spellbinding moment of enchantment we shared just having the whole cinema to ourselves while slinking back in pleasant disbelief of the coincidence of it all, and like shooting at stars while we laid on the breakwaters, and like madly giggling at our first utters of loving words. There is plenty to recount but there is the gist of this incessant rambling is that there is magic.

Apprehension was so large a focus and lost was the point of what remained before me. Doubt was my priority all this time, yet you taught me new findings about enduring and believing every day. With you and through you, I am learning the art of being thankful for my daily blessings.

You are the coolest boy I'll ever love. You're the purest man I've ever met. You're the most romantic guy who's ever loved me. And I should be so lucky, that I'm the first girl you've ever loved.

We wear the same sunshine when we busk in this love.

Benjamin Tay, be my beautiful little boy always.





"I love you oh so well, enough to fill up heaven, overflow, and fill hell." -Dave Matthews

I was on Youtube searching for Lady Antebellum's videos, when I chanced upon comments that struck my empathy bone. Take a look at the screen-capped image attached to this post. It moved me deeply, and maybe it would for you too.


(Click on image to enlarge.)

Indeed and truly, love is a universal language. It awes me, how media such as Youtube gathers people of this globe of mankind to spiritually know people better, albeit probably never being able to meet one another face-to-face.

Make an unconditional (little) prayer for someone else, because God knows, somebody in this world has read your struggles or somehow heard of your pain, and has secretly prayed for you without you ever being able to physically know.

After all, all I intended to do was to surf for music videos. And I found a Godly kind of invincible human love.

Someday, you would stop reading this. Someday, none of these would continue to matter. Someday, you would stop laughing at the little things I say. Someday, you would stop possessing the ability to be moved by anything I do. Someday, you would stop writing silly love songs and poems for me. Someday, you would regret promising me a forever. Someday, you would stop noticing me and anything that concerns me. Someday, I would have made you my world and you would have made me an option. Someday, I would end up loving you more than you could ever bring yourself to love me.

That Someday, would be the day I would be crushed and devastatingly alone in this, just like before.

This is all there is to my cards. This was and is how I died and survived death. I can't afford to die once more.

Pictures of people taking
Pictures of people taking
Pictures of people taking pictures

I pictured us at the end of time
Holding up a camera to our eyes
I took a picture of you took a picture of me
In the back ground of the picture
Was water running to the sea

So I pictured us standing there
Staying away from time
Watching it like a river
As it slowly washes by

And now
Pictures of people taking
Pictures of people taking
Pictures of people taking pictures

The feed back loop
Is closing in so tight
Surrounding ourselves
With satellites

But I picture us standing there
Staying away from time
Just watching it like a river
As it slowly washes by

And now
Pictures of people taking
I pictured us at the end of time
Taking pictures of nothing


Jack Johnson - Pictures Of People Taking Pictures

Oh, you're such a pretty thing, I'll take you and I'll make you all mine.
I will steal you from this patient world that'll chase us, it could never take you back.
And I know you know me well enough to know I'm lucky to have you.
But all these are just the little things, the words that I should tell you all the time.
You're so sweet to me when you beat me in doubles solitaire.
You're so sweet to me in a world that's not always fair.


Lost is the number of recallable counts you have taken my breath away. My mind is attempting to conjure a brilliant brew of impressive words to tingle your heart, but the sentimental fool in me is resigning to the simple wonder of how amazing it feels to be thinking of you.

Happiness actualizes whenever you're around, whether in thought or presence. Indites deem themselves superfluous. They just don't make the cut for anything and everything that we functionally are. But for what it's truly worth, I love you and I love us.

I found you and you found me, in the oddest of unexpected places and circumstances. God has been generously doting.

Feels like the best week of my 23 years. (((:






(Fucking love all of you so fucking much.)

Yesterday, I was grateful for knowing an extremely caring batch of poly friends, who got together to visit a friend who suffered a burst blood vessel of a blood clot in his brain. Yesterday, I was grateful for a friend not being subjected to the fate of being paralysed. Yesterday, I was grateful to be having beer and pizza with my closest girlfriends (Dana and Phoebe) from school. Yesterday, I was grateful for having my first listen of Button's warm giggles.

Today, I am grateful for the thought from Carmen for buying a hat from Bangkok for me. I am grateful for the great dinner and coffee session with her great company. Today, I am grateful that Button read my previous entry and for him appreciating my weak words. Today, I am grateful that Button called surprisingly earlier and kept me company while I was on the way home, through the phone.

Me: ''It was fucking unglam getting drunk and falling down while dancing with you for the first time.''
Button: ''No it was very memorable. It was the first time I ever picked you up.''

I will always backtrack and (very) dearly think of this as the sweetest thing any guy has ever said to me.

Here in my hand, a lit cigarette. Here on my table, a debris of busy deeds, nagging bills and hefty letters from lawyers. Here in my palms, the powerful mind inserted into pensive inscriptions. Here in my heart, lives contented love and gratitude.

Here are my days, splashed with spectrums of millions of rainbows. Charted new days of calendars frolick about chirpy remembrances of many splendid yesterdays. Songs are played on repetition, and my spirits delight to them, along with the fondest linkages of nostalgia. The bus jerks along with mass motion, but my soul sets at peace against the rest of the bustle of the world. My tiny feet shuffles with haste, but my mind doesn't follow suit. My mind is calm, like an infinite sea. The children of many strange adults dance to their collective child-like muse, and I am surprised to discover that I skip with them. I'm in yet another bus and before the realisation of clocking time strikes me, I am back home.

Luxurious dawdling and idling waste me hours. A text arrives. Maybe a call.

This is where and when, the happiest moments of my every single day happen. The shift of another kind of happiness and love heighten. There is glee in our voices. Our intentions coincide and our intentions meet. We chat endlessly, and it feels like you're right beside me immersed in another brand new happiest memory of my life. I am brought to various scenes, maybe a walk along the shores of a rimless beach, or sitting and serenading on a swing at a chromatically-vibrant park, all with you. Just like that, minutes turn into hours, and there is instilled conviction; there and then in the clutch of seconds, these affirmed moments of days being with you, are the happiest of every day.

Doubt is not quite done with me, but neither is Faith. And maybe it's true afterall, that love is kind.

Hi, I've missed you greatly. Sleep tight and dream sweet.

Sitting beside you in school,
While we'd paint I'd make you laugh.
Mine was never very good,
Yours looked exactly like the photograph.
Looks like I'm growing, I'm growing up beside you.

I don't always get the way you feel,
But now I've learned to live with that.
It's like I'm a part of something real.
I was hittin' the bottle, now I've broken the seal.
Looks like I'm growing, I'm growing up beside you

And the sun sets the scene,
While the rain misses me.
And all the time I'll be growing, growing up beside you.

Oh, The sun sets the scene,
While the rain misses me.
And all the time I'll be growing, growing up beside you.


Paolo Nutini - Growing Up With You


This genius, is way underrated. He's an amazing singer and songwriter. Bonus fact is that he's Scottish.

The foolish fool gets the night bruising up by visits of familiarity. Familiarity can pose largely apprehensive to anticipate, like a recurring ailment. Repetitive occurences have apparently not taught me sufficiently and adequately, to stop me from making the same mistakes in the name of affinity (and what ever that comes close to it). It hurts to have to admit being wired to insisting on staying this stubborn, and learning that the vicious cycle has replayed itself in its exact presentation once again. I find myself in a state of needing to recover and pick myself up.

Strength is never strength when it is easy for anyone to strike you down. So yes, there hasn't been the slightest progress since the trying of the regaining of my self-love. I sit here, penning down opinions of shame and disappointment, towards myself.

I used to staunchly, be in love with the idea of being in love. I was love's greatest fan and believer. That was one of the most endearing trait in me that would keep me rooted to the ground.

Now do you see how scary love can turn out to be? It turned me against itself.

I was perched outside in the pouring rain
Trying to make myself a sail
Then I'll float to you my darlin'
With the evening on my tail
Although not the most honest means of travel
It gets me there nonetheless
I'm a heartless man at worst, babe
And a helpless one at best

Darling I'll bathe your skin
I'll even wash your clothes
Just give me some candy
Before I go
Oh, darling I'll kiss your eyes
And lay you down on your rug
Just give me some candy
After my heart

Oh, and I'm often found explaining
But to her it plays out all the same
and although I'm left defeated
It gets held against my name
I know you got plenty to offer baby
But I guess I've taken quite enough
well I'm some stain there on your bed sheet
You're my diamond in the rough

Darling I'll bathe your skin
I'll even wash your clothes
Just give me some candy
before i go
Oh, darling I'll kiss your eyes
And lay you down on your rug
Just give me some candy
After my hug
i know that there are writings on the wall
But darling I'll bathe your skin
I'll even wash your clothes
Just give me some candy
After my hug

I'll be there waiting for you
I'll be there waiting for you

All the cut throats and their jagged ends-
all of them have got me waiting and waiting
All the cheap and sugary philosophies
have got me on the fence just waiting and waiting
All the Angels and their halo's all of them
have got me waiting and waiting


Paolo Nutini - Candy


My wedding should like this. My wedding video should be filmed like this. My wedding dress should look like this. This is the happiness my wedding should wear - a simple kind of amazing.

Happy 21st birthday Mummy. I hope you had a fantastic one. I love you, and always will. (:

On the first page of our story, the future seems so bright.
And this thing turned out so evil, I don’t know why I’m still surprised.
Even angels have their wicked schemes and you take death to new extremes.

But you’ll always be my hero, even though you lost your mind.

Just gonna stand there and watch me burn,
But that’s alright because I like the way it hurts.
Just gonna stand there and hear me cry,
But that’s alright because I love the way you lie, I love the way you lie.
I love the way you lie.

Now this gravel in our voices, glass is shattered from the fight.
In this tug of war, you’ll always win, even when I’m right.
Cause you feed me fables from your hand,
With violet words and empty threats and it’s sick that all these battles are what keeps me satisfied.

So maybe I’m a masochist
I try to run but I don’t wanna ever leave.
Til the walls are goin’ up in smoke with all our memories.

This morning, you wake, a sunray hits your face
smeared makeup as we lay in the wake of destruction
hush baby, speak softly, tell me you're awfully sorry that you
pushed me into the coffee table last night so I can push you off me

try and touch me so I can scream at you not to touch me
run out the room and I’ll follow you like a lost puppy
baby, without you, I’m nothing, I’m so lost, hug me
then tell me how ugly I am, but that you’ll always love me

then after that, shove me, in the aftermath of the
destructive path that we’re on, two psychopaths but we
know that no matter how many knives we put in each other’s backs
that we’ll have each other’s backs, ’cause we’re that lucky
together, we move mountains, let’s not make mountains out of molehills,
you hit me twice, yeah, but who’s countin’
I may have hit you three times, I’m startin’ to lose count
but together, we’ll live forever, we found the youth fountain
our love is crazy, we’re nuts, but I refused counselin’
this house is too huge, if you move out I’ll burn all two thousand
square feet of it to the ground, ain’t shit you can do about it
with you I’m in my f–kin’ mind, without you, I’m out it

Just gonna stand there and watch me burn,
But that’s alright because I like the way it hurts.
Just gonna stand there and hear me cry,
But that’s alright because I love the way you lie, I love the way you lie.
Ohhh, I love the way you lie.
I love the way you lie.


Rihanna Ft Eminem - Love The Way You Lie Part II

Pain and love and faded scars, together, will always relate to you.