Pulau Ubin outing today turned out fantastic! It's been one tiring yet fabulous day spent with the other three girls. Tomorrow's movie-at-library day with the girls again, but it's teacher's day celebrations as well. I'm contemplating on whether I should return to my secondary school to visit the teachers. Phoebe told me she'd be accompanying me to school, so I might be having company on my visit back to school. Just a maybe. I need dinner, and I a thorough wash-up. I look like crap with my hair all out of place, and my overly-casual dressing, and I need dinner. Will upload Pulau Ubin photos soon!

Sometimes, I wish that things should not have begun, so that it'd never have to end at the same time. I wish I hadn't have to think so much at times about someone who probably takes no note of my existence since the day he found someone new. And occasionally, I wish that I could just switch likings to someone else as easy as Dana does, and just plain disregard the past. And now is one of those times. I'm starting to doubt the decision I made on my sexual-identity turn. How could he do this to me? Fuck. I think I might be losing my mind.

CCN is finally over, the weekends have finally arrived, and I can finally catch some good sleep for the weekend to recharge whatever I've lost and will be needing for the following week. I'll be going to get my hair re-done tomorrow to an ashbrown since the burning red faded so badly to orangey-blond, and hopefully catch a good movie.

Alright I need a shut-eye. Till the next...

God damn it. I'm shagged to the bones. I desperately need sleep, but the amount of work assigned lately never seems to allow that.

I got my hair done burning red, but it has already begun to fade, and it's only day 2. My coughing seemingly never ceases; my lungs seem to be squeezing so tight at every cough that I feel like throwing up blood. (Haha. Exaggeration there.) Storytelling was fine today, mainly due to the fact that he didn't turn up for lectures again. I moved seats just to prevent myself from taking peeks at him, and he skipped it.

In approximately 8 hours, he and I will coincidentally be casting in a friend's, the same friend's, video. Nervousness is pretty much taking control over me now and I don't think I'd know the manner I should react tomorrow the moment he appears, after being missing in action for more than two weeks. I cannot believe I offered my acting services to this friend's project without even checking the other cast members. Bottom line is, I think I'm freaking out. I don't wish to see him, I don't wish for feelings and emotions to rush back and surge through me so violently. Everything seems unnatural now - fallacy at its extreme. I pray all this is just infatuation at it's insanity, and nothing more.

The truth is tearing up my heart
I can't recognize this place
The endless road without a stop sign
Can't even find a stranger this time

Why am I still holding back my tears
In this loneliness there's nothing to fear
Every chord still seems a wonder
How we could be together
Everytime I ask if this would be the last
Why am I still talking to myself
Hoping you will have the keys to my cell
Every song might calm the weather
But it just draws me deeper
How do I get out of this
I think I never will

A crystal's forming in the eye
Maybe this would be the last
The winding path down my face
Till I begin to taste the bitterness inside

So decisions for subject electives have already been made and finalised according to preferences, and it's a step closer towards the second semester. Nineth week and they're already hurrying students to plan and schedule their next half year of their lives. Everything's too soon, everything began too soon, everything will end soon as well. I bumped into several old school juniors today at school, and out of the five I coincided with, I smiled only at one. Ho ho, so much for seniorship. It's pretty scary, how you make friends, and eventually have to lose them, regardless of how close friends will ever be, although I have to admit I have one really fantastic friend, Pris, who's always right-on-the-moment available and opened-ears to all my troubles. It astounds and baffles me that people around me actually don't have prickened consciences whenever they commit wrong or let people down. Their worlds are built around themselves, and it's a sick feeling I get whenever I personally witness this harsh reality of life itself, and it's unfortunate that everything has to flow this manner. It's not what God has planned to be, really. I've been very spiritually-conscious of late, and I guess it's a good sign of the changes in me. I'm planning to maintain this Me and perhaps get in touch with God since I've been out of contact with my faith for pretty long.

You must be thinking : Cheryl, who are you kidding?

I've stopped visiting and being frequent at visits to close friends' blogs, reason being only because they don't blog, and even if they do, it's once in a blue moon. This whole incident has taught me much; it taught me strength, to withstand the itchy erky feeling of not being able to stand controlling myself. Ignorance isn't bliss, ignorance is but temporary blockage from reality. Breaking away from matters won't solve anything nor everything, it just piles up to whatever shit that's already piled up. A rush of thought flickered in my mind, wondering if all that happened was just a dream that was too good to be true. It's not myself that I'm playing chinese songs after chinese songs; I don't usually listen to anything not English, but yet I am. The songs that are being played - every single tune and lyric holds fond memories of everything little thing we've spent time doing together. And I'm wondering where you might be now, and if you might be thinking of me, even if it's a quarter of a percent of how much I'm thinking of you. I'm baffled by insanity just by the way you're acting towards me now. Everything's changed, hasn't it?

There are too many intruders setting footage into my blog. I do not appreciate any of the things you have done to demean my image and reputation, and I hope there will be a stop to this immediately. And if there's any form of grudge you bear against me, wise up and approach me regarding the matter. I would gently remind you to re-read the disclaimer, or read it if you haven't already. And to that person leaving behind false names to diss me for whatever content within this personal boundary of mine, quit trying to set those people up by manipulating their identities, then kindly click the little cross button on the top-right-hand segment of this window and never return.

Tell me that you love me
Tell me that you care
Tell me that you need me and I'll be there
I'll be there waiting...
I will always love you
I will always stay true
There's no one who loves you like I do
Come to me now
I will never leave you
I will stay here with you
Through the good and bad I will stand true
I'm in love with You

I've so much to blog into this entry, yet I cannot put into any deep language nor profound words like I usually attempt to. I wasn't intending on revealing to anyone anything that concerned Us, but friends approached me, with sincere and genuine concern. I have been contemplating on blogging for the entire day, but my mind was simply too lazy to try put into words what I have to say. The radio's playing Our song, and the subtle wonderful memories seap into my already-deep thoughts, and my thoughts are filled with thoughts of you. You disappeared from me for a couple of days, and I'm beginning to panic, and you're not here for me to be able to express my opinions to. I will keep my faith in your strong, and I hope you keep your feelings for me even stronger. I'm glad I'll be seeing you tomorrow, even though it'll only be school. I love you.

Pictures uploaded! [Day out with Roy, Phoebe, Priscelia and Nelson]

http://sg.pg.photos.yahoo.com/ph/ryllyryl/slideshow?.dir=/345d&.src=ph

I'm overwhelmed by disappointment, so overwhelmed that I think I'm going to cry. I don't know the reason behind me emotionally perturbed and on the verge of tears. The only thing you could do was to send me a simple message saying you were sorry and that was it, and it isn't convincingly sufficient. I'm in such a foul disposition that I'm going to drown all this in slumber and work today.

Anyway, special thanks to friends who have been there for me, mainly my Rightie and Leftie, for always being here to give me a more positive outlook of matters, for trying ever-so-hard to make me feel just a little better by putting your bad situations against mine. I'm glad I have such worthy friends like you two.

the 2 years and 1 month

It's a bright sunny Thursday, and I haven't any plans to step out of the house today. I took a second shut eye at 9+am this morning since he wasn't online. I figured he was asleep, still worn out from the long night last night. Yesterday was entirely spent out with him. We met to head for Boat Quay to do some drawings, it was a really sweet and simple way to be spending time with him. I wouldn't say drawing was a success, although the other guys did attract a crowd with their sketches. Roy wanted to go for a haircut later on at Heerens so he and I accompanied Roy til he was done, before we went to the Esplanade to meet the girls and Gayvin. We took tons of pictures, and if you wish to view it, kindly approach me for the web link. After that was a BBQ. It was fun. However I'm too lazy to move on to elaboration. But anyways, I'm beginning to miss him so much.

Here's a bit for those airheads who senselessly commented previously for one of my recent entries:

Do not assume that you know everything there is to know about a writer simply because you read their weblog on a regular basis. Any judgements you make will be based on the information they have provided you about themselves, which is probably vague, incomplete or embellished. Whatever opinion you form on them as people, or their life as a whole, is probably best kept to yourself. Remember, you are the reader. An obvious exception to this would be if someone were asking for advice or opinions.

Never contact the writer for more details on events or personal information than what they have already provided on the site. Chances are if the information you seek isn't readily available, they have found it too personal or innapropriate to share. If you are close to the person they will eventually tell you privately, so intrusive questions are not necessary, just leave it alone. If you are meant to know, you will.

If they do not want you reading it, or suddenly stop posting entries, ask them why and if necessary, stop going to the site. It is important that as a friend, relative, co-worker or whatever you may be to the writer, that your presence at their weblog not impede their ability to express themselves. Remember this is their outlet. They may not want you to read certain things they might write about you or others you care about, in order to spare your feelings, avoid drama or maintain their privacy. You should respect this and immediately stop going to the site, and never relay any information you gather at their site to others who might use it against them.

If someone writes about you and you don't appreciate it, approach them about it. Try to remain calm and polite. Explain that you are entitled to your privacy as well. There are many compromises that can be reached from using vague nicknames to protect your anonymity, or not mentioning you at all. If you are upset because they are writing negative things about you, be reasonable, try to see if there is a way to resolve the issues and mend your relationship with the writer. If that doesn't seem to be possible, stop going to the website. They will eventually get bored and move on.

Ex-friends, lovers and estranged family members who have been cut out of the writer's life should refrain from reading their journal. If the relationship has ended, there is no reason you should get daily updates on the person's life. If you simply can't help yourself, do it quietly, and never repeat what you read or use it to hurt the writer.

The internet is a place that encourages free and creative expression, and as in any environment where people are given this freedom, conflict may arise. If an author uses language or materials that offend you, leave. Contacting the person or their isp, demanding they remove the content or change their ways is absurd because you are viewing their content of your own free will by visiting their site. Simply stop going there and you won't have to see whatever it is you don't like about the site. An obvious exception to this would be if someone were providing illegal materials, in which case it would be appropriate to complain to their isp or contact authorities.

I'm so glad, that no profound language nor gestures would be able to portray even half of exactly how glad I feel.

My Leih Rei's slogging away under the blazing sun somewhere at the other end of Singapore, while I'm at home chillin' out to 50 cent's tracks at home. That thought just hit me a few seconds ago by the way. I'm not feeling very patriotic today as I was all these years; maybe the mood will arrive later once the parade commences. It's a pretty dull day today; I was supposedly meeting my Leih Rei and the other guys for drinking sessions tonight, but I made the decision that I should be responsible to my word and stay put at home accompanying my family. However, noone's talking to noone, and I'm here in front of the computer, as usual, chatting (as usual again), and feeling sick. Dana's mother rang up to fuck me over the phone - it was not a pleasant experience to be yelled at and accused, for something you never did and had to cover up for, and being blacklisted from someone's daughter's good-influential-friends list. I've been tuning into the radio for the whole day and there are hardly any songs played in honour of today, but anyway, Happy National Day to all, and...

Dharni and Jared did fabulous onstage, a spectacular performance for the entire nation. Thumbs up guys! I feel so proud of you two.

Happy 39th Birthday, Singapore.

The less-than-6-hours sleep ends me up in deprive of rest, and the nap I took in the early afternoon didn't make me feel any better. I had swam 8 laps this morning, and I took the rest of the time left to sun-bathe, and it felt good falling into deep sleep in the morning sun. I'm a little darker than I was 4 hours ago, and I'm feeling good about myself for not giving in to reluctancy this morning. By the way, tanning in the morning sun was more effective than the intensive tanning in the hottest-hours of the afternoon; the tan gotten from morning-sunbathing gave a better glow to the skin, and it's healthier for the skin anyway. (Just points of information). Right now, my sister seems to be banging her examination pieces on the piano so loudly against Smash!!'s Talk To Me that the sounds churned out to my ears are incredibly annoying.

I didn't do much yesterday, although it was Friday and everyone had plans except for the girls. But first, vislit's attendance yesterday was poor. Gill popped by school and suggested going to Jurong to visit the boys at work. The 4 of us fell asleep during the long tiresome journey. We ended up taking a walk to IMM, only to realise the boys didn't work there, but will be there to have their dinners. We took a train back to the east after the boys had their fill of food, and we headed to Sean's area to chat awhile. Phoebe brought along Cookie, and all of us chatted til almost midnight.

Term break's going to be hard to time-manage.

I have been glued onto the computer ever since I've gotten back home. I hardly feel comfort these days, but today's an exception I must say. Daryl just spoke to me not long ago, over the messenger, and that's something I haven't properly accomplished in a long time. She has some friends staying over at her place to cook for a school event tomorrow. Nevermind about that. The love songs croon on winamp throughout the entire night, and I'm working my guts away just to meet deadlines. I'm prepared mentally that I'll not be allowed any sleep tonight due to excessive workload and deadlines. I desperately need caffeine, but I don't feel like having any. (ha, the irony of matters.) Every assignment gets tougher as each one arrives, but I'm certain I'm able to cope with it as I progress with every project. My eyelids are heavy and my eyes are ablur, my contact lenses are dehydrating in my eyes, but laziness disallow me from that short walk to the kitchen to get the eye drop. I need sleep badly.A few old friends have sent their messages, showing much concern to me today, and I'm glad because today, these friends took a moment to spare a thought to think of me. I've missed them very much.

Life isn't a fairytale, and if it does seem like one, you're living a superficial life that will eventually fade away one day, it's only a matter of sooner or later. I would love to make you feel beautiful, but don't it get to your head, because that'll only make you a sucker. Wise up, child.

God,

Thank you for teaching me to understand and withstand pain, love, friendship, grief, happiness, and whatever emotions I've ever gone through. Thank you for making me the person I am, for giving me chance after chance to change myself, for better or worse. Thank you for being the friend who's always beside me with no questions asked and for blessing me with the most wonderful family anyone could ever have. If there are times I seemed to have turned my back on you, I'm sorry. There were times when I couldn't help scorn you and wish to swear profanities at you ungratefully, and as I'm looking at those moments of fury, I regret deeply. You've been endlessly pouring overwhelming love unto me, and yet I behaved like an ingrate. Thank you for taking away my best friend, just 2 years ago, and to have let me acquire the gift of spiritual strength. I hate to admit, but everything you've done for me has caused me to result emotionally drained. I hate to admit that you're the only one there for me through times of ups and downs, ins and outs, and I'm thankful you're forever here. Thank you for moulding me into someone shielded from overbearing emotional pain, thank you for saving my life when I foolishly attempted time and time again to end it. Thank you for being the most wonderful teacher ever in the human and spiritual race, you've taught me genuine love. But God, I won't retreat the words I uttered that time, yes, that time in silence prayer to you - don't take away anyone else from me, let me be the one taken away instead. I'd never even want to harbour the thought of anyone else being cruelly taken away from me.

Nevertheless, thank you God, for creating me to be the person I am now.

The little stroll I took home under the scorching sun burnt my thoughts (yes, thoughts again). I got irritated because I needed to cry, yet the blazing heat prevented me from thinking in any right frame. My left sleeve was getting on my nerves too; they kept drooping down, thanks to the Mango's hang-shoulders design. I was wearing chocolate-brown, and the heat inflicted in me was increasing, in both ways. The heat could have drove me insane, but the frustration would have me put to end.

It was like the second death; dying twice is an excruxiatingly torturing thing to experience since I had to live on even after both deaths and it wasn't the most ideal way to die. The first time I died was when she did, and the second, was when I envisaged history repeating on another loved one. Pain wouldn't feel that painful if you were around, but that's besides the point. Satanic music and death reminds me of hi-jacked hi-fi speakers, blasting non-stop jamming, shouting and yelling, young punks, and finally, Death, and I hate such music. I hate it so much, only because they drive suicidal messages into me; they make me scorn God for snatching my Marion, the only one I held my love for so deep. They remind me of death and death is a particular topic I wouldn't exactly love to be probing nor discussing about. Death had a lot of everstaying and stubborn hatred and anger instilled in me, and I wish I had never gone through the unhappiness and goth of death. This form of unhappiness is like looking forward to a rainfall, you smell the rain, the skies are dark and gloomy, you feel spiritually that the rain's falling, but the sun shines out of nowhere, and there's no more hope for rain.

Suddenly, I feel cold, degrees under. The sun isn't getting to me anymore, neither was the heat. I felt tight in the chest, and I began to gasp for someone, anyone, but noone came to my rescue, noone saved me from the emotional torment. Realisation crashed on me that I was alone, that I've become so cold that I was unrecognisable. It's a pretty scary thing to be feeling, as if nothing else in the world matters and all that's in my mind is Death itself, the only thing that's been haunting me for years and hasn't really left me since then. Death has always been hanging around for a new sucker. But right then, I didn't mind being its new prey; there isn't much for me to stay on for, is there? There will be a day, when someone will meet me into the meadows, greet me with daffodils; paradise will be mine to keep with just You and I, and there'll be no grief forevermore.

Mabel I'm very disappointed in what I've discovered from you. I just broke down bitterly at the thought of you and Sean Wong being together, that bastard. Why can't he stop preying on girls 12 years younger than him? Isn't one life taken away enough? Why did you have to give your love to such a bastard? Why did you have to be your friend's boyfriend's girlfriend? Why did you have to betray Marion this way? Why did you have to turn your back on Her this way? Why did you have to keep it under the covers? Why did you have to do something so stupid and make me hate you? Why did you have to destroy 11 years of friendship just like that? I don't know why I'm typing like a fucking child now. I can't think now. I'm just crying and crying. Damn. It hurts to see how much respect and honour you hold for Marion.

I've never felt this empty and bitter since the day I lost Marion.

I hate the anguish I withstand each and every time I get reminded of you. I hate it so much that I just want to grit my teeth and chuck the thought away as quick as it comes, and I hate it so bad that I could just fall apart instead. Every attempt to run away and elude from every unnecessary incident-flashback makes my head spin so bad that I wish it'd bleed to its end. And no, suicide hasn't struck me. Thinking tires me and I wish I haven't been thinking and haven't thought, because I hate thinking. I would love to discard every single thought, but the thinking just flows. It's not my fault that I think the amount I do; I'm not to blamed that I think the way I do.

He could leave for a better place, a better person, a better life or even a better reason. He should leave because I think he should, and I think it wouldn't matter if he thought it'd matter or not. He must leave, or else I might think until I'll finally run out of thoughts of him, and maybe I'll go crazy. Speculation after speculation, thought after thought, but there is no conclusion to this insane envisage of mine, this delirious obsession. I was thinking of you and I couldn't get rid of this love-hate thought.

I don't like Saturdays. I never did fancy Saturdays ever since that particular Saturday you spent watching re-runs at my place. Saturdays remind me of you; your lady-killer smile, with your huge hands (they're huge only because mine are small), the way you hung your shoulders down just to pick up the cushions. Your lips, they remind me of the incidents when you cover your dry chapped lips just so I wouldn't embarrass you by seeing it. I love it when you subtly request for me to stay behind just to stay by you the entire night to watch you meet deadlines. Your smiles; the tiny zaps sensation-effect to every upturn curve faintly drawn drives my heart crazy.

I miss every little thing.