Happy birthday, to me.

A blast I had, last night at WineFlair, with deepest gratitude towards Dana and Phoebe - the two mates whose companies I adore. I love you both more than chocolates, fondues, ice cream, and SKL strawberry. The night was fabulous, and I take my hat off to the pair of you.

So the best friend and the duo collaborated with the mastermind to plan the most pleasant surprise I've ever had at Liquid Room. I was gifted with perfume and presented with home-made hazelnut mini-cakes (personally baked by Bao herself). 19th birthday was the best I ever had. Thank you, all 5 of you.

Here, is where I begin thanking acquaintances and friends, far and near. Bao, Xue, Dana, Phoebe, Gen, Daddy, Mummy, June, Priscelia, Ingrid, Nique, Andrea, Aaronn, Fakhrul, Jyen, Maine, Kaesen, Anita, Carmen, Pei, Leslie, Curtis, Gerrie, Jerrie, Soohern, Sharilyn, Vonn and etc!

P/S I finally bought myself a pair of Converse low-cut shoes.
P/P/S Must buy more!

Worked this morning and will be working later. Contemplating on catching a nap.

Zoo-ed. The most memorable part of the day was the us-versus-them taxi race.





Now, for a shut-eye.

Laughed the bad morning away, because today is CCN day.

CCN grounds were smothered with chocolate fondue booths, yarping youths with waving signboards and wandering people. Following closely to yearly traditions, I had a henna done. Bumped into many long-familiar CampDesign2004 faces and my babies have all grown up. The IMD booth was fantastic; the badges and designs they painstakingly did up. Not going to miss CCN 2007 for the world.

I don't love Block Teaching.

The girl's 19th birthday counts down in five days.

The girl is me.

Decisions due are snapping and slapping reality at your forehead, spelling words to the crowd on your fickle-mindedness and insistently reminding that time is being consumed at the mouth of dragon's lair. There is no such thing as a meant-to-be; opportunities are self-carved and contentment needs to be fervently practiced. What difference is there between fate and destiny?

Love's on your list of things to do, to bring your good love back to you. If you think that everything's unfair, would you care if you're the last one standing there?

"u are someone special to me now. the past is not impt anymore"
"n baby, did i tell u im proud of u? =D so sweet today"

Plus, I love Dana Ng Farting.
"Dana the Great (IF THIS MAKES YOU FEEL BETTER LOVE LOVE LAR!)"

She said,"go back to sleep". But how could I?

6:05am and I'm driven to the siren alertness of the midst of my parents' quarrels. Two hours of sleep was all they could grant, and my eye bags have never appeared more apparent. The previous night was spent spilling tears over a previous failed relationship which has been chasing after paper dreams for the past two weeks.

All I can tell you, Mummy, is that you have a choice to make (obviously). Two very prominent options: one, to stick by the man you vowed your life and love to, to age together till old and frailing age; two, to divorce this man I am obliged to call Daddy and shovel the past behind and let it go. Mummy, you asked me how I moved on from the hauntings. That's how I did it and am doing it. It really doesn't matter how much you love because everything only begins to matter to the other party after they have realised that "love" has transitioned to "loved". Loss is inevitable, but everyone knows human nature is weak and yielding.

You seeked my honest opinions of the next step you should take and honestly, I have never been in a marriage to be fit enough to advice you, saying "leave him although I am more than agreeable to a divorce". Well, if you really need opinions, I would, if I were you.

The pair I call Parents have placed me here this morning, yet again, as a middle person, vying for my vote to their stands. They have put me in a spot where I'm uncomfortably comfortable. I don't see my silence as consent towards any party to what they are doing.

My impression of Men have never been anywhere near fascinating. If there's anything about the male gender that fascinates me, it's the question as to why do they mature four years younger than their actual age; the question as to why their thinking matter is as small as ability to make sense in a quarrel; the question as to why amazing history makers like Pope John Paul II exists when my very own father owns not a morsel of his maturity and sensibility.

And honestly, I hate you. I hate you so much, I wish you'd end up just like your father, sick and dying in bed, learning his lessons the tough way. Man I call Daddy, you disgust and revolt me. I haven't got the heart to look at you, speak to you, understand you or to even call you Daddy.

See what love does? It fucks you right in the heart and in the head, where it hurts most. Trust yourself to dabble and tackle with love? A marriage isn't a marriage if it fails, a love isn't true if it strays, because true love does not feed on happiness at the partner's miserable expense.

Love is kind, not cruel; love is patient, not aggressive and disgraceful; love is honest and truthful, not manipulative; love is forever, not temporary and short-lived; love is hesitating to hurt; love is being able to stay and love without being asked to; love is automatic and initiative; love can be painful but love should conquer all else; love is practical yet out of the world; love does not die even if wrinkles start to infest your hands, feet and face; love braves all circumstances (Aaron was right about this); love is sparing a thought for your daughter before quarrelling in the wee hours of the morning and making her the middle person of the mess you created, knowing she has tests the following day; love is stroking her face and telling her she's beautiful, and that you love her even though her eye bags are killing her vibrance and radiance; love is never considering suicide and self-afflict because you know it would devastate loved ones; love is benovalent and sacrificing; love is finding burnt food delicious, only because she took time and effort to make it for you; love is washing her clothes and underwear; love is continuing to love even though she ran into another's arms; love is wanting her to be happy with a new found love even if it's as painful as separating a snail from its shell; love is buying Pastamania over to her studios while she's bustling with projects; love is wishing her happiness even if you have to be without her; love is quitting when she doesn't like smokers; love is not publishing your agonies; love is silent with words and loud with actions; love is shown not told; love does not build on sex; love is not lustful; love is pure; love is sacred; love is for eternity; love is accepting her as a Catholic even though you're a staunch Taoist and hate the Catholic religion; love is serving her the dishes during dinner when they're too far for her to reach; love is breaking the truth to her that she is fat so that she will gradually learn to alter her physical imperfections; love is promising her you'll never leave even in the midst of weighing debts; love is buying herbal tea for her when she has a sore throat; love is making a gingerbread man with M&M-decorated eyes for her just to bring a smile to her face; love is being happy looking after her when she's drunk and vomitting incessantly and blabbering in tears all night; love is telling her she smells wonderful when she has green tea in her hair; love is hugging her after a sweaty game; love is accepting her scoldings when you did wrong; love is saying sorry and showing that you're sorry after making a mistake; love is buying her a new shoe after her heels have broken; love is scrimping and saving up to get her things she ogled at during window shopping; love is picking her up from school; love is picking her up from work; love is not shameful; love is taking her to the nearest clinic the moment she is unwell; love is staying by her when arthritis sores her bones; love is saving up for a future for two; love is making plans; love is when you name your children with one another. That's love in words from me to you.

Double dated with my loveliest best friend and her Peter-Mary date, Gen!

We were a tad bit later than the other two but we weren't late. Ichiban Sushi was what best friend decided on, so Ichiban it was. We walked to Cathay and Gen (the trickster) fooled me into trudging toward the wrong entrance. Best friend ended up in such a huge fit of guffaws that she ended up crumbling all over the floors of Cathay. By the way, best friend burped when we poked fun at her prissy image she always carries.

Shrill howls of wind knocks against the window panes. The morning-night skies flame with overweight clouds while fragrance of rainfall sifts into pausal breaths. My senses cloud with thoughts of an anticipating downpour; my arms feel empty and the spaces surrounding me are missing a safe embrace. Suddenly, realisation hit me that I am simply missing you.

Look, personally, there is no greater disgust than to be kissed, fondled, caressed, embraced, missed, touched and loved by a guy. I'm not implying that it feels perfect being in a girl's arms, but considering that most guys are chauvinistic and egoistic, the contrast is apparent. Many girls will be furiously bobbing their heads to this. Men, learn. High time I set my records straight.

Still running a nose. Mood's fluctuating. Fucking dry on the finances. Fucking irritated with myself for spending all my allowance before the 30th.

BF, your worries were unnecessary. Although you bailed out on me last minute (and got me quite enraged initially), I'm glad you had the best intentions for my heart's recovery and well-being. Nevertheless, I'm grateful for that post you did up specially for Bao and I.

CHIJMES was enjoyable and the multiple drinks got me high and tipsy. Bet Bao was savouring every insight of the expression I carried while I was busy spouting gibberish.

A decision I trust myself and Bao with; a decision I will stick by. I thank all, who stood by me lion-heartedly despite the rumours and accusations against me. I thank BF, for providing me lectures on the right choice, for absorbing all my woes since months ago, and for tolerating my fickle-mindedness. I thank all those who left comments consoling me and providing me with fruitful advices. Without a doubt, I thank Bao, who stubbornly refused to allow her determination to fray and deter, as compared to the latter who judged me.

Gratitude brims my heart and words just cannot justify.

And to you, please take care.

Angry, finally.

When I say stop, just stop. When I say it irritates me, don't do it again just to test the waters of my temperament. When I tell you a 'no' and you know it's a 'yes', I'm trying to imply to you to stop probing. When I cry, you're supposed to stop whatever you're doing because it draws excessive tears to my eyes. When I remind you to close the door after you head out of the room so that the air-conditioner wouldn't leak, close it so I wouldn't have to tire myself out from nagging at you. When I tell you I'm annoyed and angry because you threw a bolster at my face whlie I was sleeping, don't put the blame on my friends and tell me that my friends have taught me how to be temperamental and foul-mannered. When I'm finally angry (for example, now), just go away because you're the last person I need cooing me. I'm angriest with myself for trying my fucking best only for you to be seeking refuge and happiness in the arms of somebody we quarrelled over day after day (and night after night).

Same question I ask myself day after day and night after night: why would anything matter now, if it didn't then?

Honestly, I'm quite sick and tired of everything (I'm referring to the whole cycle of humanity and the portrayal of human nature), if you can't already tell. I'm so angry with myself, I'd gladly take the leap off the 11th storey after typing this.

I hate the state I've become to be - feeling oversize and overweight and humongous all the time all because you told me she was thinner (it made me feel fat and bulgy and cellulite-injected, which is why I resulted in purging), feeling too short to be good enough for anyone because you told me she was taller (and obviously being taller would be an advantage, but this, I wasn't able to alter or control), drowning in poverty to provide anyone sufficient happiness for happiness to be called happiness all because you shot it to my face that she was richer than I was, trying to achieve in any aspect I can so that I can outstage her in any scenario I'll be put down with, trying to piece up perfect chemistry although I'm fully aware that that will never be again in the history of my life (written and to be written); just so fucking self-conscious of how I appear to you.

Do you even realise how much it still stings where it hurts the most? At the end of every session being angry, I cry it off because my anger will be your pain.

You're here now, but you weren't here when I needed you the most. I was too much for you to handle that you decided that ignorance is bliss. Well, your ignorance towards me caused me all these. I'm this way now, and I cannot undo any of it.

I've let everything I've wanted to say for so long, out. I've forgiven, now I'll learn to forget.

I'd run straight into your arms and promise you eternity and place myself at vulnerability's foot, if you felt sorry a month and nineteen days ago.

New template up.

Superfluous enigmatic forces empower a body of split souls. Smothered emotions and entwined nostalgia causes a turbulence of sanity. Ahead, the sprouted paths take no direction, make no lead and decides on nothingness. Is chemistry it?

Next Sunday, I'll be working as a cotton-candy maker. Children, envy me.

'Gasolina'. I need to boogie.

Listening to Phantom of the Opera's soundtracks past midnight makes me shudder at the romance of the movie.

By the way, I lost weight.

=DDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD

Kindness ia always repaid with the equal amount of kindness you shower unto others, friend or foe.

Amidst being entangled in warped situations, things seem to be charging towards a light; a ray so uncertain yet sure, one that sets your soul ablaze with hope yet also brims corners of your dirty past with ferocious darkness and fear.

Question posed: what do I fear most?

I love my best friend, very much. Her name is Cheryl, she named herself Xue er, she loves Confectionary's gummies, she speaks with slurs because she used braces (but she has lovely teeth now), she meets me seldom, we share passive ideals together, she spits truth to my face because she loves me too, she is narcissistic like me, she never stops complaining about her being fat although she is downright boney and she never fails to make sincere attempts to soothe my bawls. The list could prolong further, but only the both of us knows it the best.

However, we need to meet up more often. Yes, Cheryl?

The whole concept of commitment and compromise is warped, just like how a mindset is shaped and customized to various circumstances, which also causes it to warp. Sad songs stop making you sad whilst the happy songs annoy the happy lark out of you. The words you wish to clarify are swimming in the recesses of ambiguous emotions, leaving the ones around you to either love you more or love you less, or eventually, stop loving you. These philosophies of love we have, they never practice the way they are preached, which warps the whole firmness of your stand and drives in more confusion to current situations.

In the midst of all that complexity, there was also inner peace and sheer happiness, while you loved me, which is also the key reason to why I'm a walking contradition of everything I say of late.

I've built my world around a certain someone before; a certain someone who swept me off my size-5.5 feet, a certain someone who tucked me before I turned into bed, a certain someone who watched me from afar, a certain someone who battled for me and with me, a certain someone who was honest to me about me being irritating, a certain someone who was superstitious enough to believe that buying a loved one a shoe will be equivalent to sending the loved one out of her life, a certain someone who taught me how to love and made me feel loved.

Ask me what I want, who I love, where I wish to be; I'll tell you everything I know currently but life's really tangled right now but I gurantee that I'll be certain about my wants and needs, if you just grant me more time to fight conflicting split personalities.

There is no future, because we cling onto backward stories. There is no future, because we both know we will never change. Well we never did, did we? We kept promising we'd work things out, we still do but those pledges seemingly fade into minor candied nothings we both love to hear. We had Lucas, Bryce and Andrea, our 4 room apartment, 4 dogs - all in mind. They're just memories I would like to hold onto now, only because I can't face those days all over again. They were the sweetest days I've ever remembered experiencing. I wish you'd told me you'd stay, a month and fourteen days ago.

Did you love me while you ignored my calls and left me to fend for myself? Did you love me when you made the decision to spite me by claiming to love her? Did you love me when you tossed the dice and decided to hand me over to the owner of the best bidding for me? Did you love me then? Why do you love me now, if not then? Why only now?

I never could imagine, life without you
From the moment you walked into my world
Never knew how long a loving flame could burn
But losing you has forced me to learn
That we can't change the way we feel inside
And every try at love never turns out right
We both know it's better if we just let it go
So let's have

One last kiss
One last touch
One last tender moment between us
One last dance
To our first song
While pretending there's nothing wrong
Let's stay here for awhile and
Cherish every moment we're in denial
We both know
Its better if we just let it go

Everytime I try to take a stand at all
I see your face again and I fall
In the middle of the night there's the scent of a rose
The smell of your perfume I suppose
But we can't change the way we feel inside
And every try at love never turns out right
We both know it's better if we just let it go
So let's have

Baby if we met each other under a different sky
Maybe then things would be much better between you and I
We could always hold on to this one special thing we share
But it would be too much for us to bear
So let's have

We both know
It's better if we just let it go

Hehehe.

Happy 17th birthday to you.

You trip, but always pick yourself up. Time spins faster than my eyes can blink and reality unveils as freely as a waterfall draping down from soaring skies. You think love is the solution to all the nights you pined for a loved one, little did you expect that love can also be the crush of every hope you were holding on for. A heart is something you cannot depend on and believe, you think. Candied-nothings doesn't deserve trust, you say.

But I'm all that is against my own damned nature of being a cynic this very night, and I could really get used to it. So say hello to the same old brand new me.

'All will reveal in due course', 'time heals all wounds'. 'what goes around comes around'. How often do we make ourselves suckers of these phrases? It's hard to believe that people do change because 'a leopard never changes its spot' but putting aside the denial of admittance, people do change. I'd like to be believing that 'the world is so round it goes one circle to bite you right in the ass' everytime you make a new round around the circle, which is why there is never a finish to any start. I'll admit that I'm one of this latter's suckers.

It's a common fear, of losing something endearing and close to our hearts. Good things do not seem to stay, but I sincerely hope you do.

Shifting URL temporarily. It's farewell for awhile, Soulcleavage. You've been great, tolerant and accomodating, but I'll need a break from all eyes scrutinizing the works of my thoughts, because I've been thinking much harder lately.

Till then.

This is what happiness does to you at 4:30am. No amount of persuasion will lure you into slumber.

On second thoughts, sweet dreams, world.

The Pianist - directed by Roman Polanski, 2002. My insides are cringing while watching this. The movie is suffocating but often I send myself to such suffocation.

Had a round of quarrels with The Mother this morning, and the two good friends laughed it off (at the way I re-enacted it). I'm squinting through my spectacles while typing this, and it's really getting to be frustrating. Currently facing a dilemma if I should attend NE Forum on Dating Violence (how apt, tsk) or carry on with the usual 3pm-7pm Internet Media Authoring 2. INMA2 has been infested with nothing but PHP scripts, and I've got a premonition I'll get lost in lectures sooner or later. The three of us rented 10 VCDs and got a free one to rent. So that roughly sums up today. Phoebe just enlightened me about my mobile being 3G (go ahead and laugh it off). Still squinting, and getting really vexed about my poor eyesight.

Probably going to spend the rest of the night reflecting, doing some soul-searching and revising some PHP scripts.

Don't hurry love.

The impossibilities always lie in the possible.

This has become so evident while I was busy figuring out how to sort my emotions in its most pitiful turmoil, that suddenly I realised I was twisted from injecting every ounce of my effort. Psychology in human nature and instincts would prompt and urge me that a little mile goes a long way, but all that proved me otherwise and the outcome of my slavery to commitment turned out fucked up. Misconceptions misled me into perceiving small deeds as irreplaceable satiation. It took me pains and grave losses to learn that I was battling against something non-existent.

Love is instinctive and fizzing with miraculous chemistry, sweetness is prompted by the severe wanting to derive a smile in the heart of someone exclusive, hurt is felt when the other fails to love and 'stay' should be the last word you'll ever have to use to hold someone back in your life.

I finally brought myself to understand why Christine chose Raoul instead of The Phantom.

Selfish, everybody is and has been in a way or another or every single way. So why aren't you?

The whole world is probably correct about me being undeserving, well you never generalised my worth the way they did. They are probably right about the things I did to blunder my past to this stage, well you never put any belief into the fire they spreaded. Their accusations against me were always present to pass judgement unto me, well you never did lay a judgement at me and even if you did notice my flaws you'd still tell me I'm beautiful.

What if I never met someone like you?

I hate Sundays, public holidays and any days which I will have to spend out with my parents alone without my sister for that matter. I hate being sandwiched between petty parent-politics, I hate any sound that comes out of them especially when I'm in the car. I hate the songs my dad plays in his car, those stupid chinese songs which I do not understand, which obviously do not make sense to me.

But the huge apple in my throat and the old stiff neck has vanished.

It was a walk to remember. Also, I do not share my apples.