I'm overwhelmed by stress and pressure from every direction in my life right now, and it sucks. Life sucks, like a vacuum cleaner. Ha ha. Double ha.

*We'll together fly away from here

I'm officially done and over with Multimedia Fundamentals for semester 1! What a burden turned relief. I'm currently at the multimedia com lab blogging. I have another presentation up at 3am during Basic Video later, then I'll be done with that too for this semester. Time flies by so quickly that one entire semester's end nears. A little reluctance there to bypass the entire 15 weeks of my new found life, but I'm glad I'm moving forward in life, finally. This whole semester has triggered my effiency-hormones and adrenaline for working diligently, and I'm pretty proud of myself for that. Gone for now, will blog tonight if time permits.

My place was flooded with directors, cameramen, skaters, breakdancers and a conflicting mother and daughter. (Alright, 'flooded' was used to exaggerate there.) It was pretty new to me, the whole filming-at-my-house part since I never had so many friends visiting at the same time. Then again, they weren't actually visiting.

3 CDROMs for $20 - Sheesh it sounds like such a good deal for a buy, well should have known - good things never come by easily. That is a lesson learnt today. I installed and opened Photoshop, only to realise the 'multi-language' purpose of the CDROM could not function, and I ended up having screens full of ????s since my configuration of the Microsoft Office was not installed properly. I feel like smashing my head against the computer's CPU. I'm getting this fucking heartache from spending the money on rubbish. Resolution for tomorrow will be to give that shop owner a little visit to screw his balls for attempting to pull a quick one on me. (Pardon me for my crude manner of speech.) I went down to SimLim Square to search for a practical and affordable thumbdrive earlier in the afternoon, only to realise the ones sold there were much more costly than the ones in promotion sold at school. Just setting my thoughts on this matter makes me fume.

I have already finished 3 pages of my webpage (which is really a measly amount done compared to many), and the worst part is that I'm not as ambitious as all the others. But it looks fine to me anyway. Since all the already-purchased softwares did not turn out working fine, I will take an attempt on my drawing fundamentals project that's due this coming Thursday. I haven't got my definite characters, which is why I am in hot shit right now. And to add to all the frustration, I'm officially a pauper for the next few weeks or so. It's back to packed lunches tomorrow onwards...

I just watched Pay It Forward, only to realise, at the conclusion of the movie, that my entire life has been dwelled on physicality, not literally, but in the depth of shallowness lived every single day. I'm so caught up in paper-chase that I clear forgot about living life as a better person. (The show's impact on me will do miraculous stuff, trust me.) Selfishness seems to be taking thrive in everyone I know, including myself. Life has probably cheated most, well it's only because they get what they do upon themselves. Death, on the other hand, haunts me; Death shook my faith so terribly that right now it cannot even be grasped onto.

Fuck, I'm always reversing all my topics back to the one on Death. I should put an end to that this moment. I miss Marion, and I want to visit her some time. Anyone?

Daryl and I were chatting over the phone just now. We had a good sis-to-bro/bro-to-sis chat. It's something that she and I have not done in a very long while. Suddenly, all the good memories of the times when I was still lesbian flowed back, and it felt good. Not that I want to return to those times; I'm happy straight. Back to where I was saying, Daryl was sobbing over the phone. I felt happy that she called and turned to me once again, as always. I hope she cheers up and takes things in stride.

Here's to wishing my sister good luck and all the best for her piano examinations later in the afternoon!

I wish I could die right now, and be away from this god-damned world. I don't know what has gotten over me, but it isn't anything good. For the past week, I've been nothing but a cry-nut. I'm lost to why I've been treating people coldly. It's one of those times when I feel really lonely and I need someone with me, but at the same time I want to be alone. I need to do some reflection and I need to talk to God. I don't know what I'm blogging about. I don't know what to blog about anymore. I need to pray. Goodnight.

It's another Monday whereby I have to rush Storytelling project. I'm dying out of fatigue.

8:34pm
Things happened today; won't want to mention nor bring up any of that unpleasant stuff. All I can say is, guys who yell at girls, deserve to be castrated. Drastic but.. no kidding. Don't be a busybody in matters which don't concern you - that's the bottomline.

Enough of anger-related issues. I just woke up from this nearly-two-hours nap. It's a record. It's good that I napped, but it's bad that I'm feeling even more lazy to continue with the project that's due tomorrow. Pris and I are panicking and rushing to meet tomorrow's deadline, whilst some princess is not answering our calls, asleep. Fuck, keep bumping into irresponsible people today. Just my luck.

The old would have to go, in order to make space for the new. But what if everything was old, how would you prioritise the old and the old then? Perhaps this is just the way life works, that the old will always be brushed away as past, and space will always be made for the new, and regardless of what situations may be, the new will always be high up in the list of priorities. It's a sick and selfish world we live in. (God, I seem to be generlising the world a whole lot lately.) Changes occur in a blink of an eye and they are so often that I can't seem to catch my breath while keeping up with them. It's not fair that I should be this confused with life, whilst some rich spoilt child out there isn't even concerned about what I'm mind-boggled about. It's not that I haven't the faith to start afresh; I have. It's just that certain thoughts haunt me, and keep my mind disturbed.

Whatever it is, there are several people I am thankful for having with me in times like this. You all know who you are. The world would be such an ugly place, if there weren't people like you with me. My world would be un-live-a-ble.

To my love :
When you're all alone
And you need a light
Someone to guide you
Through the night
Just remember that
I am here
To hold you close and
Dry your tears

And just when you thought
You were falling
But you know I'll always
Be right there

When you're all alone
And you need a friend
Someone to help you
To the end
When you need someone
To catch you when you fall
I'll be there through it all

'Cause just when you thought
You were losing
But you know
I'll always be right there

And I'll be there
Through the good times
And the bad
And we'll be there
For each other
'Cause you're the best friend
I've ever had

And just when you thought
You were falling
But you know
I'll always be right there
Whenever you need me
I'll always be right there

A joke - that is what I am. I'm never taken seriously by anyone and everyone. And I don't like to be the clown.

I felt the sting again today, when you stepped in all by yourself, when you turned, as if looking over to speak to me, only to realise you were not. I could pretend I'm happy and contented with my little, and I did. But what lies underneath keeps another story. Most of me that you will see is but surface. Nobody will witness my fall. The cold is changing me, and I hate you, you fucking jerk.

Yes. If it is really necessary to know, I am angry. I'm angry with all the motherfucking hypocritical Friends I've been surrounded with; acting 2 sides to every thing that I believed so gullibly(is there such a word?) in whatever they have ever said to me. I hate this world, for everything it has done to hurt me. The world is indeed turning its turn at a 360 on my side now. God, I hate these nights when I have to cry so hard to get rid of my heart being at my throat. I'm creation's flaw; I'm the remainder of all that God made. This is one of the days when I wish I had Marion next to me, so that I wouldn't have to be here crying all alone.

//so you take the smiles, and I'll take the tears

Managed to finish up the drawing in school today, in time. Drawing fundamentals was stressful. We had this new project, and Buenaven didn't even bother to print out the brief. He made us copy the whole damn wordy thing down, like secondary school kids. (I'm beginning to sound a little arrogant here, am I not? Well, too bad then.) Buenaven's new-given project is a killer; stressed me up so bad that I practically was about to break down just thinking about the entire process. We are required to draw life-comic, and no cartoons were allowed. This meant a bit of manga and all those stuff that I hate so much. I've got so much work to catch up on, especially multimedia fundamentals project and storytelling group project. Did I mention that SekJhia, Lina and Ili backed out on us just a couple of days ago for the group storyteling project, and they only brought it up now? Screw this bitched-up world. I'm got so much to rant and rave on, and there's nothing comforting to soothe matters. I'm stuck at Visual Diary, because I haven't been constantly doing this assignment.

God, I swear I'm going to hell for all the pessimism I've been displaying of late.

It was almost telepathic. I'm not sure if these are just simply moodswings, or am I really feeling the way I do. I'm depressed (and yes, I am announcing it). Nothing is wrong but at the same time, nothing is right. God help me. I need to stop lying to myself. It feels so lousy I need to cry. I think I should. Keeping everything inside me will just kill me, someday. I can feel that day arriving.

My eyes are closing in on me. I broke my the record by only having less than 2 hours of sleep. I'm sure I'll be dying out of fatigue in just a bit more. Oh my god, I can't think right and proper now. My silly boy's beside me asleep. Bye.

I need to cry. Fuck off before I bite.

Take a bow, the night is over
This masquerade is getting older
Light are low, the curtains down
There's no one here
Say your lines but do you feel them
Do you mean what you say
when there's no one around
Watching you, watching me,
One lonely star
I've always been in love with you
I guess you've always known it's true
You took my love for granted, why oh why
The show is over, say goodbye
Say goodbye, say goodbye
Make them laugh, it comes so easy
When you get to the part
Where you're breaking my heart
Hide behind your smile,
All the world loves a clown
Wish you well, I cannot stay
You deserve an award for the role that you played
No more masquerade, you're one lonely star
I've always been in love with you
I guess you've always known it's true
You took my love for granted, why oh why
The show is over, say goodbye
I've always been in love with you
I guess you've always known it's true
You took my love for granted, why oh why
The show is over, say goodbye
Say goodbye, say goodbye
All the world is a stage
And everyone has their part
But how was I to know which way the story'd go
How was I to know you'd break
You'd break my heart
I've always been in love with you
Guess you've always known
You took my love for granted, why oh why
The show is over, say goodbye
Say goodbye say goodbye

It's not easy having to forgive someone over and over again, with the amount of disrespect shown from her side repeatedly. This is killing me; your insensitivity, your selfishness, your smart-alec-ness. Fuck it all and just lead your life with your dearest baby boy, won't you? The dead is already dead, so leave things be. Let's put a halt to this rubbing-salt-onto-wound thing, it's only making everyone's gashes deepen again. Can't you use a little more thinking matter and think more practically? Her boyfriend being your boyfriend doesn't give you any right to use her identity to make people reminisce about her. Just go to that bastard, and leave us be. I don't need friends like you, should have figured that out 11 years ago. All you did was to waste my effort on forgiving, although I admit I was never close to perfect. But I was never as rude as you ever were. I'm yet again shocked and appalled by the disrespect and dishonour you have done towards Marion. To hell with you bitch, I've had it up to here. You've done me great dishonour but doing so to her. You'll be as damned as I am for this. You've made me cry, you've caused my grief to worsen. I hate you Mabel. I know this may sound melodramatic or overly dramatic, but I don't give a fuck anymore. I've tried so hard to put myself in your shoes and to comply with your needs and understand them, but why can't you just use your numskull to understand that Marion's your friend? Stop doing things like that to hurt the people who love Marion. Take it as I'm begging you. Just stay in your own world, and don't get any of us involved. It's painful to be your friend, it really is.

It's not easy having to forgive someone over and over again, with the amount of disrespect shown from her side repeatedly. This is killing me; your insensitivity, your selfishness, your smart-alec-ness. Fuck it all and just lead your life with your dearest baby boy, won't you? The dead is already dead, so leave things be. Let's put a halt to this rubbing-salt-onto-wound thing, it's only making everyone's gashes deepen again. Can't you use a little more thinking matter and think more practically? Her boyfriend being your boyfriend doesn't give you any right to use her identity to make people reminisce about her. Just go to that bastard, and leave us be. I don't need friends like you, should have figured that out 11 years ago. All you did was to waste my effort on forgiving, although I admit I was never close to perfect. But I was never as rude as you ever were. I'm yet again shocked and appalled by the disrespect and dishonour you have done towards Marion. To hell with you bitch, I've had it up to here. You've done me great dishonour but doing so to her. You'll be as damned as I am for this. You've made me cry, you've caused my grief to worsen. I hate you Mabel. I know this may sound melodramatic or overly dramatic, but I don't give a fuck anymore. I've tried so hard to put myself in your shoes and to comply with your needs and understand them, but why can't you just use your numskull to understand that Marion's your friend? Stop doing things like that to hurt the people who love Marion. Take it as I'm begging you. Just stay in your own world, and don't get any of us involved. It's painful to be your friend, it really is.

I've got Stote project to panic over right now but I'm steadily blogging.

The only reason I'm holding back now, is because I'm lacking of all that confidence I used to have, as a fresh-straighty. It doesn't feel all that unique being straight anymore, it doesn't feel special anymore since I'm getting to be one of the rest longer and longer each day (if you get how this feels). I'd like to give love readiliy like before, but I'm afraid that isn't possible anymore, and it'll take time. I don't know how long, but I assure that time will just do the trick.

Great day today. Shopped like I struck lottery, spent over a hundred on lots of things. The sensation of splurging money like water is absolutely the best form of release. Grandma's place was boring although the food there was sinful, as always. Dana, Pris, Phoebe and my silly boy will be coming over tomorrow for cookout, work, projects, and movie-watching. I'm the luckiest girl alive, am I not?

Darkgrey-white striped pants - $35
A freshbox T shirt - $16.90
2 New World Order T shirts - $19.90
Brown leather purse - $10
A grey belt - $6.90
Food - (So much that I lost count)

Time changes almost basically everything, doesn't it? It changed the fact that I was once a staunch guy-hater to a complete straight person and the fact that I was broken but now I am not. I don't know what the fuck I'm typing out actually. My moodswings are deranged, they change so often, probably as often as a blink of an eye. Okay, that was cliche. Anyway, back to the topic. Time, changed hate to love, in a few people's cases, none will be disclosed in here. Time healed the wound that had me scarred since more than 2 years ago. I still can't put away that image I have of death. Tonight is one of those nights when I reminisce the details of that fateful day, and the subsequent days of pain I had to go through, to now realising that things have already changed. I wish I hadn't have to go through this whole sick cycle over and over again like I always do. It agonizes me. Truly. It brings me so low. Am I beginning to sound too dramatic and over-exaggerated here? Okay, bottom line of all this crap is, I wish Marion was here, because I miss her so much. Noone else will understand how this feels, and noone will ever, because I'm still torn, so fucking torn. I want her here, I want to see her, but it's never possible now.

Visual literacy's presentation was screwed up - I messed up the whole presentation. I feel as if I'm going to flunk both Vislit and Stote. God be with me. The girls went to Marine Parade awhile (I was tempted to visit my secondary school since I didn't on teacher's day), then to town we headed. I bought this really cool earstud, and a new brown skirt. Dinner's at Long John's. Long John's food serving's getting pretty pitiful, it just gets lesser and lesser. 65's journey was long, and so we slept throughout. I still need more sleep, much more at that. Will be asking the girls to my place this Sunday to hang out and do work or something. I'm blogging it down to remind me to invite them.

Love's gentle but love's unkind
Lost for words I've run out of time
There's no comfort that calls for me to stay
When your perfect excuses are perfectly made

Just the thought of all the work due next week is stressing me up. It's 7:46pm - I just got home and I'm desperately in need of sleep. My eye bags are worsening day by day; I'm deprived. For the week, I feel as if I'm in no mood to blog, yet I feel I'm obliged to. 101 problem's due tomorrow. I think I've changed since the first day I stepped into poly life. My dog just had her bath and she looks so adorable! Okay everything is getting out of point. Anyways,

To my silly boy - I miss you. Thank you for always being by my side just as I need you. Thank you for being so sticky.

To the 4 girls - Please stop walking out on me just because he's there. It doesn't feel good at all, and I'm sorry if I've been unknowingly neglected all of you. Friends have been such an important part of me since years ago, and I think my priorities split the probability of 50-50, for him and all of you. I love you all and you all know that.

To Jinga, Lerjun, Mabel, Daryl, Tommmie, Kayson, my sister - I miss all of you and I miss the outings we had so much! Please don't forget me!

MMFun webpage, individual story for STOTE and visual diary, all due next week. The stress is going to kill me. MMfun consultation went on better than I expected, and basic video was just crap, because I did nothing, and my group did the best thanks to Andrew. A guilt-pricked Cheryl equals to a grumpy Cheryl. Luckily I met him up after Bavid; seeing him brought about my smiles. He sent me home, and he was back home 2 hours after he sent me home only because he overslept all the way to Woodlands. I watched Serendipity just, and it's pretty longwinded; Felix only showed us the interesting parts of the movie and thus stirring our curiousity, making me have the urge of watching the entire movie. I have to be starting on my 101 problem soon.

These words are my own
They are my heartflow
I love you I love you I love you I love you
There's no other way to better say
I love you!

So much burdens the heavy mind, none to lift it all away. I'm not going to pretend like a hypocritical motherfucker. I'm going to get a grip of myself, right now. I think it's the nap I just took that just dissolved my sanity gone. On the other hand, I think I just miss him.

*Accidentally in love

I've just stumbled on a few blogs of friends', and I'm beginning to wonder why I put so much thought into every sentence I type, whilst they're typing freely whatever they think of at that very moment. I'm wondering why every entry of mine seems to be a sort of composition or another, that everything seems only at surface, that hiding is always necessary to undercover some sort of image. At the same time, I feel like I'm the cause of so many people's troubles, if you get my drift. Perhaps I'm thinking too much. Perhaps.

He and I spent nearly the whole time today throughout together. I'm glad for the time we spent together doing simple things, and just being satisfied with each other's company, just chilling out together. That alone is of so much worth to me. I'm not going to hold back and wait till it's too late; that is why I'm letting you know how much everything we're having now means to me. Let me pick myself up, and everything will be okay, I promise.

dana: cheryl's off with kelvin to get kelvin's stuff. wtf. y cant he get himself? n y in the 1st place cheryl wanna tag along? y mux they always be so sticky? i pitied pb, she sat beside dem for so long when they're hanky pankyin. mwahahaha. its damn high voltage. poor pb. and haf u seen their frenster? its so damn mushy. MUSHY!!! eeeeeeeeeew.

monkey\\: woo woo hee hee... hahaha!!! opps she's back with kelvin... -_-" wth. kelvin push my head. i'm off!

meh meh: opps...i think i saw something NC16 at the back of the room. i didnt mean it mehry...i just want to get my matrix card.

dana, monkey\\, meh meh: SEE NO EVIL, HEAR NO EVIL, BUT SPEAK YES EVIL!!!!

dana: they're not as innocent as they seemed. kelvin may look gong n retarded, cheryl may act she's innocent BUT they're not. jux come find us in TP des & u'll encounter the most outrageous & mushiest couple - KELVIN TOH PENG LEONG & CHERYL LIO SHU YI.

monkey\\: WE'VE INVADED INTO CHERYL'S ACCOUNT!

Jared: ohmytian...

monkey\\: (forgets what to type) haha! i remembered!! HIGH VOLTAGE at the corner of the room! now we know why that computer exploded the other time in school. haha!

dana: so long. ok already. let her blog herself bout wad she did with kelvin like holdin hands, huggin, cuddlin, sittin on each other(in other words, lappin) & hanky pankyin. opps. did i say too much? its alrite cuz it the truth. nth but the truth. *innocent face*

darling: no comments !! muahaha

My expectations for standards of movies have risen soaring-high, and that's something bad, because I feel as if I blow money on movies not worth watching. Today, I caught Anaconda with him. There was more hilarious parts than tensed-up parts in the movie. I must watch The Terminal soon. Met Sean and his girl after the movie for dinner at Pizzahut's! The pizza wasn't stuffed crust, and so I didn't really enjoy it thoroughly. I'm in such a neutral mood I want to meditate. It's been a good day today. I'm blogging like a fucking bore. Bye.

The multimedia lab's currently afilled with the trio's vocals. We're all tuning in into a sappy chinese track. I'm having a three hour break and I think noone's available to accompany me tide through this entire period. Everything seems so momentarily; nothing seems to be at a halt to wait just a while for me. I don't what I'm really brooding over, but it definitely isn't something quite pleasant. My troubled mind is overthrowing all the good things in my thoughts and in my life. I think I'm typing out words of pessimism only because I'm listening to such sappy songs as these. There are people around me, and yet I feel all alone. There are conversations between us, yet it seems silent. Felix was right, life itself revolves around contradictions.

WHEE! He's here at the lab to see me!

11:32pm
I haven't copied any word (direct to me). My group members for C&E project are desperately and frantically rushing our researches. Vindicated is a nice song, under Phoebe's influence.

I'm feeling at better ease. Neverending thank-yous for the words you have said, the kind deeds you have done, the love you have showered on me. And now, I'd give up everything just to catch a glimpse of your smile. A smile from you is all it takes to light me up.