Never did I realise, until today, that anticipating a quarrel feels more horrid than witnessing a quarrel. Needless to say, I would rather have a quarrel-free weekend. I'm referring to my parents, over dinner just now. My dad was acting plain childish; the man he is and the amount of gentlemanhood he showcases. I wonder how ever did he had my mum smitten.

Hah. My manager didn't ask me to do OT today, and I'm going to request for OTs tomorrow. Alright you can call me crazy, but I'm doing all these only because I am obsessed with money and for the fact that I am penniless for this week. I'm on an extremely tight budget and I'd like to keep it this way, because I know I will be splurging once school re-opens. Something weird has happened last night just before I fell asleep. I was thinking about my financial situation, and I pictured myself slogging half the day working for that measly money when I can easily get another job at another restaurant, and I can easily go by the rest of the whole holidays without worrying monetarily. But that would really strike me off as an ingrate, wouldn't it? It seems that my reason for living now is for money, which really sucks because I'm not suppose to end up being like this, but I have. Before I forget to include, pay-day is soon, and I'll be getting my pay in a cheque. I'm wondering when that will be.

Mum's birthday is this coming Thursday, which shift I've switch with a colleague so that I'll be having the day off. I haven't gotten her any present but I'll be treating her to dinner, to any restaurant or eating place of her desire and preferance. My mum deserves much more than what my dad's giving her, and I'm going to make all that happen.

I'm tired. Alright, to sleep now.

I'm missing your bed
I never sleep
Avoiding the spots where we'd have to speak,
And this bottle of beast
Is taking me home

I'm cuddling close
To blankets and sheets
But you're not alone, and you're not discreet
Make sure I know who's taking you home.

I'm reading your note over again
There's not a word that I comprehend,
Except when you signed it
"I will love you always and forever."

Well As for now I'm gonna hear the saddest songs
And sit alone and wonder
How you're making out
But as for me, I wish that I was anywhere with anyone
Making out.

I'm missing your laugh
How did it break?
And when did your eyes begin to look fake?
I hope you're as happy as you 're pretending.

I am alone
In my defeat I wish I knew you were safely at home

I'm missing your bed
I never sleep
Avoiding the spots where we'd have speak, and
This bottle of beast is taking me home

Your hair, it's everywhere.
Screaming infidelities
And taking its wear.

-Screaming Infidelities (Dashboard Confessionals)-

12pm to 5pm is over, which also means I'm free for the rest of my Saturday. How nice. I've already paid a deposit for that pair of spectacles, and I'm pretty much excited to collect it on Tuesday. One of my colleagues today offered me Sticky Chewy Chocolate and some peanut ice cream, and it was heavenly. Now it's got me craving for more. I've got to stop the cravings for ice cream, it's been so often since I started working at Swensen's.

My dog's just had a hair cut and she looks so adorable, and she won't be called 'Flower Face' anymore by anyone. I'm looking forward to dinner now. Am changed and am heading out for dinner. I'm hoping to chat with the H4s tonight; I miss them.

And today was a better day than the previous two, because I got to see both my boyfriend and my friends. Went spectacles-hunting with Phoebe, and I got this really good buy for plastic framed spectacles (it's brown in colour by the way). $88 will have to come out from my upcoming pay. Phoebe got brown plastic rimmed glasses too, which is pretty cool because it seems we've got the same kind of range of spectacles. Well, a friend played out on us last minute, and she had to lie to get out of meeting us. Everything just didn't tally. I was double played-out in a day - first I was supposedly meeting Daryl to go out but she clean-forgot and went ahead making new plans. Ok with that, then Dana played out on Pris, Phoebe and I. But the day was fantastic I'd say.

Yay, so I've got work tomorrow, which means I'll be earning more bucks as the hour ticks by while I'm working, and I cross my fingers that I'll be required to do OT, so that I'll be able to get more money to go by this pitiful holiday. I need to slog this holidays onward. I am going to impress my world with what I will achieve.

So last night I had the strangest dream. In that dream, I had my wrists slashed, and the person who turned to my aid was someone I wouldn't ever want to see in my whole life (Names will remain private and confidential, and not disclosed). That particular someone took the blade and killed herself with it. And that was it, my dream. Of course the dream concluded with a whole lot of weeping and chaos. This really goes to show how much this suicide thing has gotten into my mind, to the extent that I even dream of it. I need to change all that.

I tried praying my insomnia-awakened nights to slumber, but prayer doesn't work(not a bit at all), so I've given up on praying. I just stare at the wall until I fall asleep. I've been getting body aches from the tossing and turning while sleeping this week. It's weird because I've never really had this problem before.

Hey, I'm feeling better than yesternight. Yesternight was horrid, and I wouldn't want to re-live anymore of that kind of yesternights anymore. I've got dessert/beverage/settings test later on with Priscelia at 5pm and I've not studied for it. I'll be working till 11pm tonight. This really sucks. But the thing to look forward to will be tomorrow's outing with Daryl. Come to think of it, it's been ages since I last met up with her, say, 5 months ago or so. I'm hoping to go town with her tomorrow.

Boyfriend, you're being missed.

Noone's really here actually. Noone's telepathic. Just like now, noone knows or listens while I type this broken-heartedly. I'm not taken seriously whenever people are told that I am upset. Point is, depression in me has come to a stage whereby I'm harbouring suicidal thoughts again, after estimatedly half a year of a suicide-free life. People tend to take what I say for a ride, like a meer passing remark, without knowing that people who appear happy all the time, do get the blues. And I'm a born pessimist. Every teeny weeny promise made were just stack of lies, and I've taught myself not to believe any longer before I get myself burned further in this game of Life.

I wrote a letter to Marion. I wrote that I missed her. I even added the part where the evil no-life stole her bastard boyfriend, and that I prayed they would break up a hurtful one.I wrote about the devils in my life now scrutinizing and manipulating me day in and day out. I wrote about the hatred building within me for my sister, who should rightfully have her tongue cut so she will shut her gap for the rest of her being. Fighting all these demons will kill me, I swear it will. I might just as well kill myself and beat them to it.

Now at this very moment, my heart is sunken in my stomach. A friend just reminded me to read her blog, and it didn't occur to me before this how much she needed my presence, even spiritual presence, when there was so much trauma at this point of her life. Point is, I wasn't even there when she needed me there. I have constantly complained about friends who have turned their backs against one another or even against me, but I just realised that I am no more superior than manipulaters. This may sound dramatic but, I feel as if I have failed that friend. And I'm sorry. I really am.

This bout is depression is multiplying and spreading within my self like wildfire, and I know not how to stop it. I'm so unhappy with myself and my life and how my life works; I just want it to end so that I wouldn't have to have tears streaming down for no reason at all.

Happiness is shortlived
Lasting only with material costs
Perishes like a cricket crushed to silence

There are always millions and gazillions of reasons I can come up with to quit this overrated life, and I wish I could have the abilities and boldness to, but most unfortunately I dare not. I feel that I'm happy whenever I'm at work, but when I do return home from work, all that's in my mind is that overpowering fatigue stinging my hands and feet, and the fact that I've not been having much communication with my boyfriend. It's work, then home to sleep, then waking up to suffering from aches, then going back to work with those aches I've been complaining that has been lasting for the past few days, and after that I'm back home with added aches to worsen the previous ones. Now now, doesn't that sounds a pointless, to be living a life like this? Well, welcome to my life.

There will be a zillion people who will claim to have been your friends once you pass on from them, as in die, literally. And while you're still in the being state, noone really bothers or cares. Life seems to be lived for the sake of living, and not for the reason of enjoying the living. Felix was right, life's a story, and a story's full of contradictions be it within oneself or on the exterior, and you're living a constant contradiction. Hypocrites rule the world; angels and saints rule the heavens. There, another contradiction. Whatever it is, the bottom line (there are always bottomlines after such nags and lectures), keep cherish in what is right in front of you, rather than crying over spilt milk when you've lost it all.

I wish I could just type whatever that's on my mind, instead of translating it all into better english. It tires my mind. Boyfriend, if you're reading this, I just want to tell you that I miss you very much, and I need a tight hug from you right now. Flu doesn't feel recovered without some loving from you.

11 hours of non stop work, sometimes I wonder how much endurance does it take to stay in a job like this, because the whole 11 is plain torture. Dehydration has got me resulted in a terribly sore throat and a blocked runny nose. My body system is pleading for rest, but my mind is setting blogging as a compulsory. Hunger is turning me insane. Stress is murdering me. I need to destress and let my hair down. It's the holidays.

Think on the bright side Cheryl, you have 2 'off' days this coming week.

There, alas a new layout and colour to my blog (Thanks to Ingrid and Phoebe, who offered aid in the transformation of my blog). Will insert a flooble chatbox into the left table as soon as possible. It's been dull and boring for far too long. I must admit that work is getting to be more fun each day, though the toughness does tag along with that; I started taking orders and keying orders, and running orders, and hopefully soon I'll be getting my microcard to access into the order system. After work, Pris and I went to grab some Macs while waiting for Phoebe, headed to town, ate chicken rice, took prints, bought a slipper, then went home. Had a gigantic quarrel with sister concerning the appointment planned initially, but all's alright now. My boy's working today from 11pm to 7am; what dumb hours to be slogging away while the others are at their comfort zones in slumberland. Tomorrow there's work from 12 to 5, and I'll be catching The Exorcist with mum and sis. I need time to cool things down my schedule; been entangled in work for the past two weeks. I'm very much looking forward to Design Camp 2004 and the start of next semester.

Results for Year 1 Semester 1
Vislit - B+
Stote - D+
AuEss - B+
Bavid - B
Mfun - B
C&E - Z (tops 5% of A)
DrFun - C
APEL - P
Results - GS

Top 25%!

Disappointment
receiving from
every
end
.

This is one of those time when I begin repeating songs that cause my suicide hormones to activate; those times when I get depressed over absolutely at all, and I cannot derive the reason to these sudden outbursts; those times when I find myself tearing because I feel like a total failure and that everyone I know are suckers for life. They're all mad. The world is abstract and foreign. Love isn't built on expectations; I should learn to stop creating expectations for my pity-worthy boyfriend. I think I'm just plain stressed, over nothing.

Do you ever feel like breaking down?
Do you ever feel out of place?
Like somehow you just don't belong
And no one understands you

Do you ever wanna run away?
Do you lock yourself in your room?
With the radio on turned up so loud
That no one hears you screaming

No you don't know what it's like
When nothing feels alright
You don't know what it's like to be like me

To be hurt
To feel lost
To be left out in the dark
To be kicked
When you're down
To feel like you've been pushed around
To be on the edge of breaking down
When no one's there to save you
No you don't know what it's like

Welcome to my life

Do you wanna be somebody else?
Are you sick of feeling so left out?
Are you desperate to find something more
Before your life is over

Are you stuck inside a world you hate?
Are you sick of everyone around?
With the big fake smiles and stupid lies
But deep inside you're bleeding

No you don't know what it's like
When nothing feels alright
You don't know what it's like to be like me
To be hurt
To feel lost
To be left out in the dark
To be kicked
When you're down
To feel like you've been pushed around
To be on the edge of breaking down
When no one's there to save you
No you don't know what it's like

Welcome to my life

No one ever lies straight to your face
And no one ever stabbed you in the back
You might think I'm happy
But I'm not gonna be ok

Everybody always gave you what you wanted
You never had to work it was always there
You don't know what it's like
What it's like
To be hurt
To feel lost
To be left out in the dark
To be kicked
When you're down
To feel like you've been pushed around
To be on the edge of breaking down
When no one's there to save you
No you don't know what it's like

What a bugger, getting period at this point of time, when workload is hectic and exhausting. Was getting serious tremendously painful cramps this afternoon during my day shift, and I was almost shrivelling from the cramps I was getting, with no panadol to my rescue. Now I know the reason behind my unusual poor appetite I've been having for the past week.

I can't falter. I don't wish to know more than what I want to know; keep the rest of the information away from me. Nothing will shift.

Experiencing extreme exhaustion everyday, and today's no exception. I miss my boyfriend. Goodnight.

Praise the good Lord. I'm finished with 10 hours of work. My feet are sore and aching, my mind's a blank and I can't type much. I need to be on my bed desperately. Good day world.

Imagine, all that temptation I have to fight against working at Swensen's. I am going to go Swensen's and grab some ice cream, one fine day that is.

Butterflies greet at the porch
Clocks freeze
I listen to melodious tunes lingering
The winds lure me into the windows
The fragrant you carry spreads
With a touch of my hand
The solemn promise :
I love you

I'm beginning to dread being at home. Thank God there is work tomorrow, followed up by meeting the girls for movie. I would love to stay at home, without crap from anybody and everybody.

Dad, thanks for working so hard and slogging your ass out there to bring in the bread. Sis, thanks for warning me about the incident before she could go on any further with her sneakiness. Your helpfulness is gratefully appreciated. Mum, just fuck off.

My God.. It's the 14th today, and I didn't realise that until I saw it on someone's blog. This goes to show how much she's been on my mind recently as compared to before. And indeed, memories, good or bad, do fade away in time. Time does much; it heals wounds, leaving scars that probably might never hurt again. Time changes everything, doesn't it? In a 360 turn and it's already been 2 years and 3 months of her absence. Who would have ever thought the pain would seem subtle now, when 2 years and 3 months ago I intended on ending this overrated and pointless living. (Yes. Hanshen said that.) The scars will forever be there to serve as a reminder of all that turmoil that was past. Life and death working as a pair, is equivalent to so much beyond description. I still miss her, and I'm sure the others do too. I pray her Marion's mum is doing better than she was the last time I saw her..

I'll go give her a visit tomorrow morning before work.

People are unpredictable. One moment they are waiting on you because you're dying out of exhaustion and another moment they are depriving you of your little outlet on a dull Thurday (which is an off-day). I am raging with furiousity, not because of the fact that I'm not going out, for the fact that she is a selfish bitch, and being one will result in other's change of plans. My mother speaks of God as though she has seen Him, when in fact nobody has and will until death. She is fanatically involved in this whole holy-moly business till she doesn't seem to even get her facts and morals straightened out, and she is here to 'claim my life the way God wants it to be'. Fuck this God-business. With followers and 'devouts' like my mother, religion would not have any place in anybody's hearts.

Anyway, I have it all planned out - what I am going to do today since some witch ruined my plans.I am going to give my baby a bath; I am going to take baby for a walk; I am going to practice my piano; I am going to lock my ears from that bitch.

It is my third day working at Swensen's today. Dinner period was the busiest; I could hardly keep my ass in pace with the gluttons swarming the restaurant. Good news is that tomorrow is off-day for me. Due to excessive suntanning, the skin on my face is peeling and shedding and I need to get rid of that horrid look before I go for work today. I hope I don't screw up work. My body's aching and I need food; my hunger pangs are returning when it really shouldn't. I'll be on the night shift today, so it's the busiest-of-the-day-shift. They should really pay me more to take on this shift.

The day before, he and I went to catch scary white chicks. It was himbotic and hilarious. Yesterday he fetched me from work, bought a few buns to kill my hunger, and sent me home. Really sweet of him. I want to spend more time with him bad. Lethargy has caused me to turn ever lazier than I already am, and all I want to do when I get home is to sleep and bum around. I'll spend my entire day tomorrow with him. But first, I need make plans for tomorrow..

Work was alright today. Sunburns are hurting badly due to constant friction from everywhere. I need to find Miss Low soon regarding the Design Camp 2004. I typed it out as a reminder. I need sleep.

The sun was blasphemy. Skin-scorched, tired to the bone, tear-dried, sand-filled, I still love it. We just kept eating and eating and eating and eating. We bought barbeque groceries from Giants at Parkway's. The 30packs of super-rings was enough to keep us full. Sun tanning today's a blast. I look roasted now and it feels good. Now I'm looking forward to Phoebe's chalet on her birthday, and mum's barbeque.

A surging sensation came over me, the surge so great I could fall so hard. Attempt after attempt I made to turn my back on you, walk away and sturdy that shield behind me so that I wouldn't have to turn back to even bother catching a glimpse of you and feel any foolish hurt. But none of that is possible. I can't comprehend this feeling, but I think I'm stuck on you.

It's hard keeping a friendship. Unfortunately, I'd prefer to keep none.

I apologise for pushing you away. The coldness melted away the moment you stood there, a few metres from me, silent in shock. You're probably the only fool who is able to tolerate my unreasonable self; the only idiot who will be standing right by me even though I've shunned you from me. I'm sorry for the neverending expectations made for you to meet, I'm sorry for the shocks and heartburns. The everchanging world puts me down so constantly. You've been the only one who's always been there to give me mild words of consolation, and those meer words are the ones that really matter the most. The shut walls in me opened up the very moment realisation hit on me that you were here when all I needed was for someone to be present to hold me as I crumble and fall. You did all that.

I love you =))

My mental state is out of control and disorientated. Somebody shoot me.

I don't like planning dates and events, or organising them. I used to enjoy doing all these little things, until I realised that noone ever appreciates much of all that I do. And so I am going to wash my hands off all these sort of matters. I hope I get a call from Swenson's to start work today or something, only because I'm suffering from boredom. I want to meet friends whom I haven't seen since school started. While I work, I'll be MIAing from here or wherever (learning from Ingrid).

Got a job at Swenson's that is not paying as well as I had expected. I finally got my new handphone, but my number will remain unchanged. Will be busy working for the next 2 months to earn money to upkeep myself. Went for interview this morning with Dana and Pris, and went to catch Dodgeball after that. The movie was so darn lame that it was funny. Or maybe it was funny only because the company I had was good. Yesterday I bought North's CD, second hand, almost brand new, for $7.90. What a great buy.

Piano lessons were fun, got scores for 4 new pieces, one of which's notes look like a whole canopy forest. Family day without the Dad at home; what kind of family day does that make it? My mum and sis are quarrelling. It's been this way for 2 days and I can't bear any of it much longer. I might just barge out of the house, either that or I'll confine myself in the study or something. I'm going to get down to reading Mitch Albom's 5 People You Meet In Heaven today since I haven't had the time to do that for the past month. I can't wait till tomorrow's briefing for the Design Camp with the other girls and my boy. I can't wait to go town to shop for casual beach slippers tomorrow. I need to shop and I need to suntan. My brown's fading away since I haven't been actually tanning for almost six months already.

Today and yesterday was absolutely crazy. There was no presentation for Visual Literacy yesterday, but almost everyone was late for lectures as usual. The sunshine was blocked in the afternoon, and the girls couldn't hit the beach for blading as planned. Instead we headed for Parkway Building for pool. We played approximately 2 hours of pool, for $6.80 which is mighty cheap as compared to the rates else where. On our way to the pool place, we got into this pet shop along the line of shops nearby. There was this Siberian Husky who poo-ed in its kennel, paced in circles around that pile of shit, and literally licked and ate its shit. What a sight it was. Then to Dana's house it was after that. We had our movie marathoned as scheduled since weeks ago and guess what? We watched the box for a whole 10 hours plus, not continuously though. Just For Laughs, Iron Lady II, Rose Red (243 minutes, which equals to 4 hours and 3 minutes), Meteor Garden I (haha) and Jeepers Creepers II. Rose Red was so intriguing, although the movie was lengthy. Today is Yellow Ribbon day, and Mum got 11 free tickets to the concert at the Singapore Indoor Stadium. Pris, Dana, Kelvin and myself went for it, and it was something new from the monotonous project-filled days I've been having at school. After the concert comes the interesting bit where we lost our way trying to search for a bus stop. We took a long route through dark paths. The 3 girls were so scared that we grabbed Kelvin just to feel more secure about the entire situation. It was really dark and remote path to be taking to be getting to a bus stop. We used the light-pens we had gotten from the goodie bags the concert gave for free and the light from Dana's * button in her handphone to provide us light to guide us out of that dark path. Sheesh. We went to Bedok interchange's hawker centre to buy some drinks and supper snacks, then we headed home. I'm exhausted right now, but these 2 days have been the best days I've had in months.

If I took a step towards you, would you take a step back from me or would you move forward to embrace that single step I made?

Bye bye semester 1! No more heavy eye bags for the next 2 months. Wee u weet!

Wings you have given
I am ignorant to anxiety
No height can wear me down
We had an agreement
Surges of relief
Neither of us sheds a tear
I move ahead with you