First and foremost, here's wishing good luck and all the best to people collecting 'O' levels results.

I have nothing much to add into this entry, so I'll blog later. I'm only here to send my best regards to those receiving their 'O' levels certificates today.

Fort Canning Drawing/Towning pictures! (click on words)

My masterpiece



Rather great sense and feeling of achievement; accomplished ComDI's presentation, with bits and pieces of VisCo. First to present for ComDI class. How's that for being ahead! Nique spent her day since last night at my place. She spent practically most of her time chattering away with my mum and sis, doing work and mainly fixing my screwed-up computer. Wednesday's our 2nd monthsary and I haven't done anything for her. We watched Ever After on Saturday night and I think she enjoyed the movie. She kept calling the stepmother and the stepsister bitches while I was behind watching her watch the movie. We spent quite some time at the 'porch' sofa just reading comics and listening to ballads.

I'll never get tired of our silly love songs.

Certainly and indeed, good and proper communication is vital for us designers; and boldly I dare say that everyone needs to learn communication skills, designer or not. A fine example would be me this morning reaching school at 8am to get my group's ComDI file only to discover once I reached school, that he meant Monday.

In estimatedly 3 hours, I'll be at the engineering school getting my hands on the LDSCHR common test paper. Overwhelming fatigue overpowers the drive to study and revise, so I'm complacently in front of an iMac blogging. I need sleep desperately; 5 hours of rest is insufficient.

Ironically, I have the sudden urge to go for a run. I'm getting my butt back to the studio to sleep. Till later.

The last thing I'd attain now would be security. I'm having so much personal issues with trust, now that I feel my grip loosening. I can vividly reminisce of the moments you spent shifting all your attention to me; still remember the times when we first met. Yet all now, seems for no cause. There are so much emblazened in my memories that are probably not erasable, and obviously, I'd wish the best for myelf. The world spins on an axis which changes its sides as often as adults change their faces.

Minimal information of LDSCHR absorbing into my data-space in my head, and much of it brooding over ComDI's dilemma instead. I'm pushed into a corner with noone to really talk to, though people do claim to be available.

So much thinking got me wound up in tears; life's drama.

Break down, finally. I can't handle or pretend I can cope with everything chucked to me alone.

Fuck you Alden Loh and Nanny Chen.

Colour consultation ended early, at exactly 10.14am. I headed straight to Fort Canning after that. I lost my way on the way to the ASEAN Sculpture Garden and I bumped into Ice and Jasmine, so we made our way there together. Dana reached there 3 minutes after I did. Good exercise for me anyway (I went all the way up to Fort Gate by the way). Lunch at Pastamania's; I ate this weird promotional pasta, and it sucked. Nique met us there; we were supposed to watch a movie with Dana but none were early enough for our criteria. Towned with Nique, Phoebe and Dana. Bought fewer things than I had planned to, only because I'm saving the whole shopping experience for Saturday instead. Almost bought a watch but changing the wrist size would such a hassle, so I scraped off the thought of purchasing that watch.

Typography tomorrow, and I'm totally clueless and unprepared. Better study my LDSCHR as soon as I can although I think I'm too tired to carry on working after finishing my share of typography. Many thanks to Aristotle for generously offering and lending me his CDROM (Adobe Page Maker). The hectic schedules and lack of personal time is causing the level of fatigue to rise. I still have ComDI's layout presentation to finish by Sunday. This reminds me; I've got to give Felix a ring tomorrow to get my group's annotated bibliography and reflection back.

Now what I need is a cold damp towel to dap onto my face so that it'll hopefully keep me awake to last through heaps of work.

Pictures up (Click on both album links below to view pictures)
120205 - Where is Ingrid part III
Valentine's Day 2005

IMDP1 presentation is finally done over with. Boy am I glad! I think I fared better than usual today for the presentation. Anyway, to hell with that and hello again to Colour and Life Drawing. To Fort Canning tomorrow I will be after Colour lecture, and then back to school again to doodle around with Page Builder at the multimedia lab. So much work, so little time.

The surrealism in my life seems to be fading away; the life I'm living seems to be loaded with monotony. I'm trying to imply me having to get a life during the holidays. I'll get back to my rendering and colour aeroplanes and finally, studying LDSCHR. I've been efficiently keeping up with my last-minute finish-ups. Orientation is coming up too! 12 days of orienteering the new freshies and I'll finally be a junior. The term freshie/freshman is such a rip off label for Year 1 students.

I keep having bad dreams lately. Usually they'll call it a nightmare, but it doesn't apply here. Nightmares are those which comprise of vampires, dinosaurs, frankensteins, and whatever other weird creature you can name. One life nightmare for real are indian girls. I wasn't a racist actually, but some indian girl disgusted me by going around claiming she's Eurasian. Good lord, what shallowness; big time turn off black thing with a plastacine smile. You need to be shown how a real genuine smile is like. You know who you are when you read this, I hope.

Oh I'm so bitchy.

LDSCHR lecture's presentations today were more of a debate, though not extremely intensive debating. There was another group that presented on Lim Bo Seng, but I dare say that our group's presentation will be better than theirs. I'm not intending any arrogance or pride here but the way the answered the questions posed to them after their presentation was horrendous. This guy (I don't know his name because he's from the other class) was being pompous and arrogant about somethings he didn't even present during his presentation. He's from business school. Terrible contents in his speech. As someone said, he talked cock.

My floppy disk's giving me problems so I don't know whether I'll be able to open up the powerpoint presentation later during IMDP1. Everything's so stressful now. I have no time to go out, I have no time to date, I have no time to do anything else other than rushing for work to meet submission datelines.

By the way, I'm at the free access lab now with Phoebe and Dana, but they're at the other ends of the section of the lab.

This is just to serve as a reminder for me.

Subject : LDSCHR common test
Day/Date: Saturday, 26th February 2005
Time: 11am - 12noon
Venue: Engineering School, Block 11, Level 3, LT 24

Where is Ingrid part III.

Things to get done by Week 14
-VisCo (3 fucking assignments)
-LDSCHR common test this Saturday
-IMDP1 assignments 02 and 03
-ComDI presentation
-LDSCHR presentation
-IMDP1 presentation
-Typography's Brochure designing, with tracing
-Colour aeroplane project

Good luck Cheryl!

Time check 11:49am, which also means that I'll have to get my butt down to the Visual Composition's 6 thumbnails quick before 3pm comes and I have nothing to show to Phek Gek. Planning to do a re-composition of VanGogh's paintings, but I have no research on anything he's painted. I'm done for.

Tomorrow is supposedly the LDSCHR presentation; I'm extremely nervous because there are seniors in the class and the class is combined by two. I hope we don't get picked tomorrow; but on the other hand, we should do it tomorrow and be done with it once and for all so that I won't have to anticipate stumbling on my words in front of over 40 people.

Nique and I have had a rought night last night, but we're fine and happy now. I'd better go message her as soon as I can.

This upcoming holidays, I will engage a good piano tutor to help tide me through my final grade's examinations. I'm going to work so bloody hard that nobody will be able to put me down, and I don't care if it means I'll have to slog. I will get myself hired as a part-time employee as well.

But for now, I need sleep. Flu has used up almost all of my energy for the past 5 days.

I think the bottomline of my year in Design School/poly life is basically to lay out the life of an adult, in full measure. It's disgusting how friends manipulate one another as and when they need each other; it's saddening that a relationship going on steady and strong has to get put down by unnecessary remarks; it's disheartening that everyone blames themselves on certain mistakes made when in fact, they're trying to put the message across to you that you're the one at fault. It's life. And this isn't the way of living I would want my adulthood to be shaped with.

You may never see me try hard enough for anything and everything, you may think that I don't care and that I don't deserve the good loving, you may not ever take my words with heavy weightage. But I'm all that you think I'm not; I'm doing all you never really appreciated me doing.

Conclusion of this entry is that, I will learn to suck up to lecturers, I will avoid sinking into deep friendships and I won't be trying like a dumbfuck, by being there all the time giving my all when you are oblivious to my efforts. And other than work, don't expect me to give more than my just share of giving.

So I'll hit the backspace button, and delete all that I've vowed to be.

Out of the three assignments I had set out to accomplish by the end of today, I have only completed two, which also means that I will have to rush with VisCo's thumbnails tomorrow. My portraiture assignemt is a portrait of Marilyn Monroe. But apparently, it turned out to resemble Madonna instead. Just as well. Just three more weeks of projects, assignments and submissions before I can truly rest. Even then, I think I'll have to find someone to employ me; just to survive the holidays monetarily.

My nose is still blocked, and it's the fifth day. Tampines is suffering from the after-effects of the fire caught at the fields that day. It's still hazey and smokey here, which is really affecting my breathing. I'm contemplating if I should get an MC for ComDI lecture tomorrow.

Nique spent the day at my place studying, listening to my old burned CDs, pigging out, watching The Wedding Singer. I can't fathom a day without that girl, not anymore. And I bet she'll be smiling like a proud idiot once she reads this.

Singaporeans, let's together pray for rain, shall we? May the good Lord clear membrane of smoke and shower us rainfall.

You wouldn't believe what I'm about to explain. I was trying to grab some sleep around midnight onwards, when Nique, June and my mum started yakking on psychology of the brain, and how the brainwaves work, so on and so forth. I got really irritated by the whole conversation because I was actually listening to them, and I couldn't get to sleep.

Anyway, it's a miracle that I'm feeling better today despite those distractions from sleep last night, although I have partially lost my voice from all that screaming at Jam and Hop last night. Did I mention that Jam and Hop was boring? Ingrid bailed out on us last minute; Phoebe and Nanny left way earlier than planned. Remind me not to attend Jam and Hop next year.

Alright, I'll have to rush my projects. I have tons of catching up to do since I was busy attending to Open House last week.

(According to priority)
1. Tia's A3 portraiture
2. ComDI presentation tomorrow
3. VisCo 10 A5 thumbnails

Final day of Open House 2005. Weather sucked, most of the people who attended Open House sucked, and to add to everything, I'm not in the pinkest of health at the moment. I may be sounding dramatic and all, but look, fuck it, I've been sick for the past 3 days.

To top it all, I actually have a friend who understands me this much, to the extent of misunderstanding me and condemning me for what I did when she was chosen to remain oblivious to what I was telling her. If that friend is going to precede with her judgements, I won't put a thought more into this matter after I blog this in; it proves the point, that people decide to believe in what they want to believe in.

I'm not going to be affected, which is why I'm going to replenish all my energy and health back by resting and taking good care of myself for the rest of the weekends. Yes I sound bitchy, but it isn't as if you aren't a bitch to me. I don't see why I should bother to please everyone when I'm physically unwell. I don't need to accomodate to everyone's whines and complaints.

Well, goodnight.

The parents were kind to us today during the touring around the school. Phoebe was my touring partner today, although she did get separated from me eventually towards the end. Bumped into the CampDesign2004 students; from Akers and Aphro; the malay guys were there. I've been suffering from a blocked nose since 3 days ago, and at certain periods I just can't stop sneezing. Tomorrow's the last day of the open house. Nique's coming and I'll be touring her and her friends around the school. I'm exhilerated! Mass dance tomorrow, and Khoon Han is my partner for the design mass dance. I'll have to brush up on the dance steps; haven't done the dance since CampDesign.

Don't look the things you don't have, look at the things that you do. You may never have other best or better things, but you will always have me. I may not always be right where you want or need me to, but remember that I'm just a call away. I hope you'll cheer up and stop brooding over matters that upset you, because I'm here to make you smile. I love you Nique.

So the first day of TDS' open house 2005 was hectic. I made 4 tours altogether, first 2 with Dana, one with the 4 of us, and the last one with Pris. Iskanda will be issuing more openhouse tshirts tomorrow so we won't have to rush washing it by tomorrow. I've heard several stories of ingrates and morons slinking into design school just for the feel of it when they don't even appreciate all that we're doing; some were even there for the freebies. They told some of us that they weren't even interested in design, so I don't understand why they had to make us tour them around the school. Anyway, I thought the contents within the deco of Cinetopia was awesome. I'll have to tour people around for the next 2 days. I can't picture myself after a 12 days orientation managing.

There is this really cool cross-disciplinary subject that they're implementing as of April 2005 onwards. It bears 9 credit units (FUCK IT), and with the passing of this subject, you get to choose any course in Temasek Poly to study for the next 3 years. But I'd still want to study Psychology next semester. The new CDS isn't my type of subject. Requirements are minimum A2 for both English and Chinese.

I need Renxiang to be online tonight hopefully, to briefly inform me on what to get done for tomorrow's Typo class. I have IMDP1 consultation tomorrow at 3.45pm (don't know if I have the permission to get an LOA for that). I doubt Wahidah would agree to it. And so, I'll have to finalise contents and detailed concept of the project. Next week's the research consultation, which also indicates me needing to print every sheet of research twice. So much work, so little time to squeeze in everything well.

I miss you.

128 colours to be precise; that I have been struggling to mix and match for the past five hours. Such irony; to achieve perfection in all 128 colours, yet my life in printed black white and shades of gray.

Just this morning, I was compelled to witness my parents' quarrel, over an harmless religious ornament. Childish, indeed, digressing. It works when the giving and the taking spreads evenly. Nobody takes more and nobody takes less. Give like you'll never be able to seize the opportunity to again. Give, without anticipating the taking. Offer love generously, for you'll receive much more than given, only a matter of sooner or later. Every survives on the constant and monotonous giving and taking.

Their marriage isn't going to falter, for by the grace of God, I will be his instrument to paint rainbows into their love.

All that is settled in front of me is mess; mess that I have accidentally designed during all that project-frenzy the past four hours. Hour after hour of slogging in my designs; designs for words, designs for layouts, designs for ideas, even designs for paragraphing. This happens when all that I'm cooped up with work that requires design. Everything needs designs. Yes? I have three more weeks to redeem myself in my first year out of three.

Buried in my selfish ambitions, there are times when I fail to treasure the better things around. For instance, my family, my friends, her. Neglection, selfishness, ambitions, competition. Worldly. Visiting the columbarium yesterday drove a needle into my head. I wasn't paying attention to the right purpose. Purpose, is man-made. When does God take his turn to speak?

It's time to be stepping to the other side.

The bedtime stories parents retell over and over again just to drive the vision of the life of fantasy; the fairytales told about Cinderella, Sleeping Beauty, Beauty and the Beast and etc. My fairytale is being unleashed to me. I had the ride of my life, and the world shall sit through my stories with me.

I couldn't ask for more.

Pueda nuestra flor fertil de tierra, y muchos anos para mas venir. Te quiero. El Dia de los enamorados feliz a usted.

To try, is to risk failure. Those who risk nothing do nothing and have nothing. Risks must be taken, because the greatest hazard in life is to risk nothing. Chained by their certitude, they are slaves; they have forfeited their freedom.

-Janet Rand-

The life we onced lived, the life I once lived; there's a dominant possibility that nobody gets the chance to live those time again. Life is such, filled with regrets, full of negativity. At those times when we fail to see the good in the bad, and end up tripping over mistakes made.

So we look forth. Ahead.

Life and death - inevitable. One loses another to the cluthes of God's judgement, one loses another (most often unexpectedly). Life remains brittle. Yet death seems vague now. That clear vivid vision and experience of losing life to immortality seems to fade as each day passes. Sometimes, I would hear myself screaming at the back of my brain. Screaming for company, to cure loneliness; screaming for love, to heal hurt, and perhaps, allow time to gradually lift all negativity up.

We arrive in God's hands, and we depart in them. There would be no treasure besides love that every single one of us will bring to the life after death; to God's ultimate judgement.

All ambitions and worldly material to a zilch.

All that hyperactiveness from my cousin has gotten me dead shagged. Money collection was pitiful. I need to coop up from this wretched home.

I don't get it. Is it that difficult to personally tell me things that trouble you? I don't understand, and if you aren't going try to make me, then forget it. I'm not in the mood to play hard-to-get games.

Happy Birthday to my little sister June!

May your 15th bring along much happiness and love, and may life's road always be a positive learning journey for you. Thank you for the smiles you've brought into the family's life, thank you for the nut you've been in my life for this entire 14 years. I wish you happiness and love always. May the Lord's grace always bless you, in times of sweet and bitter. Love you tons!

And a very happy Lunar New Year 2005 to all (: Angbaos please?

World, please know that my father's a bastard. He pushed my mother onto the bed right in front of me and he tried to strangle her. I don't know what else to do. I'm in such a loss. Divorce then divorce. Fuck the marriage. Seriously. I can't be bothered to type intellectually. Fuck this fake image everyone feigns. Fuck the whole I-love-you-forever and the till-death-do-us-part hoo-haa. Fuck men. Fuck God.

The eve of the Lunar New Year. Tomorrow comes the red packets in action. Beckham's just so adorable; I can't seem to be able to satisfy his hyperactivity. We were playing until I got so worn out from it, so I fell asleep. Not much snacking today, as predicted tomorrow. After CNY will come a crash diet. Any more interested participants on this mission? I need to shop for a new bikini, a new bag, lots of new clothes and new shoes. But first I need tons of cash to be able to do that.

Nique's online chatting with me about the John Little warehouse sale, since I have so much to shop for. I can't wait.

It's been two bad days consecutively. First it was yesterday, when mum and sis' quarrel became my problem (same happened today as well), I got a fucking C for ComDI project 01 (I think Felix doesn't like me. On the other hand I think I'm disappointed with my efficiency), and as usual, I'm too broke to pamper myself this festive holidays. People are getting hundreds of dollars just to shop for new stuff for this new year and I not only do I not get a single cent, I get reprimanded for spending my own savings. I shouldn't have made the effort to be home earlier just for the sake of pleasing my mum. It's just not worth it. I almost made my way to Felix Cheong after I got back my project 01 to request of him to grant me permission me redo my entire project, but I guess that won't work since there is something called the subpaper. I have this premonition that I'll be scoring a majority of Cs this semester, and I wouldn't want that.But anyway, thank you, to Phoebe and Dana for keeping me company today.

My tragus still hurts from all the beatings from mum and Nique. Nothing's really going right lately. Nique neglected me today.

Chinese new year marketing tonight. Dad's not home yet. I don't feel like going anywhere; I don't feel like celebrating this fucking new year. What's so new about it when it's celebrated in the same way every single fucking year for the past 17 years? I need a really thick red packet. Greedy as I appear to be, I don't give a fuck what you people want to read about me, not anymore.

Feigning bliss
Forsaking righteousness
Indulging in humanity
God's commands defied inevitably
Repentant, no
Sunken into the wrinkles of his clutch
God's grip forceful and insistent
Choice was not option
He said
'Pay up'.

A meer excerpt of our favourite song currently :

That got that one good girl whose always been there man like
Took all the bullshit
Then one day she can't take it no more and decides to leave

Girl can't believe I had a girl like you and I just let you walk right out of my life
After all I put you through
You still stuck around and stayed by my side
What really hurt me is I broke your heart
Baby you were a good girl and I had no right
I really wanna make things right
Cuz without you in my life girl

Been all about the world
Ain't never met a girl that can take the things that you been through
Never thought the day would come where you would get up and run and I would be out chasing you
Cuz ain't nowhere in the globe I’d rather be
Ain't no one in the globe I'd rather see
Then the girl of my dreams that made me be
So happy but now so lonely

Never thought that I'd be alone
I didn't hope you'd be gone this long
I just want you to call my phone
So stop playing girl and come on home
Baby girl I didn't mean to shout
I want me and you to work it out
I never wished I'd ever hurt my baby
And its driving me crazy

Don't you wish we tried?
Do you feel what I feel inside?
You know our love is stronger than pride
No don't let your anger grow
Just tell me what you need me to know
Please talk to me, don't close the door
Hmmm, cause I wanna hear you
I wanna be near you

Don't fight, don't argue
Give me the chance to say that I'm sorry
Just let me love you
Don't turn me away
Don't tell me to go

Time check 9.38pm. Nique is resting her head on her arms on my study table. Nique, my sister and I just watched White Chicks on my computer. (Phoebe I could get it burned and lend it to you). Great things happened today. Firstly, orientation meeting was cancelled, which meant extra slumber time for me, then I went to get my hair done. It's jet black with apple red highlights at the crown, and I think it looks great; Nique and June says it looks very well done, which naturally made my day. I'm listening to Alone by Bee Gees. Nique keeps peeking at me type when I specifically instructed her not to repeatedly. Waiting for the movie Ghost to start at 10.30pm, so I'll probably insist on Nique blogging right after me.

Nique's my winner. (I love the way she mouths the word 'Winner' when she read this sentence).

Something for everyone to feast their eyes on - http://www.friendster.com/user.php?uid=3388856

mrs:
say what
mr:
uhh. tat she like me. den she really wont hurt me.
mr:
den ask me to give her a chance.
mr:
i talked to her less den an hr.
mr:
den she said she like me for my character and all.
mr:
NO!!!
mr:
SO MALU
mr:
OMG!
mr:
SHE LIKE SO OPENLY TELL ME
mr:
DEN I WAS LIKE "HUH?! U TYPE WRONGLY IZZIT?{
mr:
worried not?! ur gf in hot demand!

Please help me remind Nique that she is in hot demand by the losers of the society; to quit dwelling in constant self-denial (although I love my Nique and I find her hot personally, but that's supposed to only be me). Seriously, disgusts me.

Some people want it all
But I don't want nothing at all
If it ain't you baby
If I ain't got you baby
Some people want diamonds rings
Some just want everything
But everything means nothing
If I ain't got you

I took a stroll down to the area across the field from the school to rent some good videos in gleeful hope of being able to watch it with Nique tonight. I'll only be getting to meet her tomorrow, which I think upsetted her. I read Nique's blog, and it states that she'll be flying off to HupChai on the 11th for 4 days, which also indicates me not being able to see her on Valentine's Day. This really sucks. And to make the situation worse, that girl switched off her cellphone, which leaves me here feeling frustrated from not hearing things from her.

It's a one way street we're heading.

Relief and gladness are what I benefit from wrapping up almost all the deadlines for this week. Next will come the Chinese New Year, which I'm eagerly anticipating. Fatigure overpowers me as I type this, and not to forget, I haven't finished the Typography project 01. Nique surprised me with her unexpected presence at Bits&Pieces at Wisma Atria. I literally got a shock; it was obvious. I'm glad she turned up because it made my day. For now, I'll get my ass back to my logotype and letterhead designs.

I apologise for my doubts. I love you Nique.

the garfield invades.

every piece of you is right,
thinking of you,
takes me through the night.

_you're the light inside of me(:

I'll be preceding hurrily back to my visual journal once I'm finished blogging. Today is the 2nd of February 2005, which also indicates the first monthsary of Nique and I getting together officially. It's been a fabulous month (I won't deny). Nique came over to school to pick me up after IMDP1 consultation. I made her accompany me to return the VCDs, then we stopped at the bus stop and opened our presents. Nique bought me a bag with the theme of the animation cartoon 'The Nightmare Before Christmas' and a pair of huge silver earrings that I lost that day from drinking sessions. I liked the bag a lot but due to religious discrimination, mum got paranoid upon seeing the skeleton cartoon figures and forbid me to go near it. We bought tickets at Cinemax for 'Shall We Dance' and we headed to Pizza Hut's for dinner. Bumped into Noven because she was working there; weird to have her serve us water. After dinner, we headed to our usual conversing spot outside Tampines Mall to chat. We chatted until it was time to hit the cinema. Halfway the movie, the film suddenly stopped, and I couldn't stop giggling. I think Nique was embarrassed. It took about 7 to 8 minutes for them to trace the film back to where it stopped. This part of the day was the anticlimax and the climax at the same time. Nique sent me home after that. I'm enthusiastically anticipating our future monthsary(s) to come.

But for now, it's back to completing my proud drawings for lifedrawing.

I'm thrilled just thinking that I'll get to see you in less than an hour's time. Happy first month getting together.

2nd February 2005 (:

Nanny and plastic gf are beside me now. I just finished watching Shutter in the school's macintosh. Now my chest hurts because I got frightened. Storytelling skills come in handy when watching movies such as this; the ending is abrupt and incomplete. I don't know why they call it an ending. I'm finished with IMDP1's research, although I think Wahidah will advice me to do more substantial research. Tomorrow's our first monthsary. I'm getting all excited and hyped up with all that butterflies in my tummy. Crossing fingers, I pray she'll like my present for her.

I want to do so much for you.

Past and present. Both matters just as much yet we can't undo what is already done. What fairness is there in that? Yet flashing back to before seems more unpleasant and painful. I wish I could do something about this. What is going to become of us now, then later in the future? If you and her were meant for each other, what would be made out of us? Don't hook my heart with promises, because I'm fully aware that promises will always be broken. I apologise for my pessimism but paranoia's in full control now. I can't let go of my past, I can't afford to chuck it away like it never happened.

I don't wanna run away but I can't take it
I don't understand
If I'm not made for you
Then why does my heart tell me that I am