Still feeling flaccid even after more than 10 hours of enery-charging-up. I think the rest are shagged still too, most of them are either lazing around or sleeping at home. Got my emails regarding the upcoming orientation camp at TP this Friday. Still contemplating my attendance at the camp, whether I should be present or not. My study's in a humongous mess and I need to get some serious cleaning-up done. I'm awaiting my lunch; it's been 2 hours and it hasn't arrived. Daryl suggested going Beach Rd to shop for clothes. I hope to be going on a shopping spree with ahren and Daryl tomorrow.

*a little more each day

I'm finally 17! Thank you everyone for making this birthday such a wonderful and unforgettable one! Everything was so much fun! I think the pictures should explain the amount of fun! Here's the link.

http://www.imagestation.com/album/?id=4286720901

Woke up at 5am to attend mass service. Dad and Mum brought me down to SimLim Square to get my digital camera today! The whole camera package costed $520 (Panasonic FX1, 2 64mb memory cards, tripod stand, disc cleaner, camera bag). Heart's aching from the amount of money spent today. They bought a discman iRiver SlimX for Sis, cause she did super well for her mid year examinations. Everything summed up to $745 (camera, discman and tax). I'm having a flu and I need ciggs; every few minutes I'm sneezing and my nose is leaking. And yay! Tomorrow's Saturday! The long-awaited day for everyone to release themselves, for me to free myself.

MAY: Stubborn and hard-hearted. Strong-willed and highly motivated. Sharp thoughts. Easily angered. Attracts others and loves attention. Deep feelings. Beautiful physically and mentally. Firm Standpoint. Needs no motivation. Easily consoled. Systematic (left brain). Loves to dream. Strong clairvoyance. Understanding. Sickness usually in the ear and neck. Good imagination. Good physical. Weak breathing. Loves literature and the arts. Loves traveling. Dislike being at home. Restless. Not having many children. Hardworking. High spirited. Spendthrift.

Oh, so now I have this anti-cheryl organization set up just in my name. What I do ain't any of your business, so quit sticking your nose into my affairs. I'm sorry if I'm bitchy, but guess what, I'm not as ashamed of being bitchy as you are of yourself. You're too ashamed to reveal your own name, -. Sad to say, I have what you have, but you don't have what I do. I don't see myself inferior to you, but I think you do, therefore leaving yourself as -.

To - : (That's a pathetic name to leave behind by the way, -), you should really find yourself a better pastime. Dissing me's of no use unless I find out who you are. And you afraid of trouble? Fancy leaving nasty comments in my blog when you are afraid to let me know who you are. Like I said, you're just but an idle idiot seated behind your fucking CPU, with really nothing else to do. Barbaric actions like yours really portrays what a hooligan you really are. I hope your loserish itching lust to diss me has been satisfied. Otherwise, welcome for more comments, just remember, you're alone in this.

Wee-u-weet! It just hit on me that it's 4 more days to my 17th birthday! The hotel room's been booked, and I have around 12 guests, with pluses and minuses here and there. There'll be complimentary champagne and cake. I sure hope the cake will be chocolate mousse cake, exact to last year's. Right. Now for the wishlist. Let's see. I want Samsung e700a, Sony cybershot, this sony discman (didn't bother to go check for model number), more clothes, more earrings, and infinite cash. Gawlly I think I'm day-dreaming now. First I have to get done with piano tuition later on. Tuition's a drag; I dread tuition more than I dreaded 'O' levels. Bad one.

I'm sitting by the window panes watching every cloud in the area release their burdens. The fearsome pour diminishes into gentle drizzles. And suddenly, I'm thinking of you.

Everything's been terribly disappointing recently. Nevertheless, I'd want make full use of this entry to thank whoever I need to thank, for being here once or always.

Thanks ahren, for showering me with the love I had never really expected from you, for being by my side spiritually, for bearing my rants and raves. Your support has given me strength to take things on stride. And I'm sorry for everything. I couldn't have moved on this far if there wasn't you.

Thanks Daryl, for unconditionally putting up with my insecurities and mood problems, and for attempting to peace-make ahren and I. I'm sorry for everything I've done against you. You're still the dearest little 'brother' I have and will ever have.

Thanks Leslie, James, Tommmie, Diana, Fox, for offering to be here even though I was unwilling to truthfully open up, for offering me listening ears, for everything.

Thanks forever-friends-gang, for once being such a huge part of what I am, for being my top priority in the past, for teaching me tolerance and perserverance. Thanks for once truly loving me, for making me feel a part of what everyone is during school days. The part where you all were never sensitive enough to bother about others' feelings, nevermind about that. The point is that we were once real friends.

Thanks Kayson, Nique, Gina, Jason, Jinyu, Dominique, Fox, Ryan, Pat, for once listening, for ever making me happy for who I am, for the good and bad times, the good and bad memories. Thank you for once being a part of me.

Hit palawan's today! The sun was not cooperating to our intentions of going to the beach, but we all ended up pinkish in the end of the day. Met a few new people today. The new people were mei nu dustangel, Hyan and Lynn. They're really fun people. Got to mingle more with Jordan and Boey today. Jorden is hilarious, she was the green-sports-bra-butch today. When ahren popped The Question, Jordan was cheekily peeping at us, and she witnessed me blush. Ahren was bombarded with winnie-the-pooh presents. Serves her right for requesting her presents to be winnie-the-pooh-ed. There was a slide at the platform today! Fagged a lot today, so much til I lost my voice. Jordan and ahren were sand-buried, with many more 'garnishes' to the sculpture. Sam, Xinyan, Denise and Diana joined us in the evening. Diana and Denise faked they couldn't make it, making ahren all sad. But she was screaming the moment she saw them. They all sabotaged each other with the cheesecake they bought for ahren, and I got dragged into it. After washing up, Hyan, Lynn, Diana, ahren and I headed for Harbourfront hawker centre for dinner, a very late dinner. Diana had to leave earlier because she had school tomorrow. The rest of us chatted til 10:41pm (I took note of the time). Ahren sent me home in a cab after that. Now I'm home, worn out to the bones. But it was so much fun today! Thanks everyone for making today turn out great!

Daughter's devastated, due to some matters. I doubt she'll read this, but all the same, I hope she'll feel better soon. Good and bad things happen, and it's up to every individual how one handles it. Cheer up daughter! Mummy and Daddy loves you!

Happy Birthday ahren! I love you!

Went down to accompany ahren at her workplace again. Went to granny's in the evening. They played mahjong so I was basically rotting till I fell asleep. Beckham and Celesdia started playing gun-games with me so I played along and entertained them. Some stuffs cropped up in the night, involving Kayson and I, but I hope our differences have been sorted out calmly and constructively already. But whatever it is, I hope this won't ever occur again. Sorry kaypo-son!

Today. Met Daryl at Tampines Mall to shop for awhile, bought ahren's gift and a pair of white earrings. Daryl bought this Giordano cream-coloured polo t. It looks pretty presentable on her. June and I were commenting on every piece of different coloured polo t she was trying. After strolling for June's presents for her friends, we took a walk down to the library. Sis and I borrowed books whilst waiting for ahren to arrive. That spoilt brat always takes the 2.40 nowadays. After that we headed back to CS to coffee bean's to chat a bit. Mountains and barbwires (inside joke). It was back home after that.

Apparently it seems that a whole bunch of anonymous-es are visiting my blog are unsatisfied and unhappy with me at the same time. Leave your comments in my blog if you must, stay out of my joint blog. And for christ sakes, stop poking your nose wherever there's no business of yours. Constructive comments are most welcome. Leave down your PROPER names if you comment. However, critisisms aren't acceptable; I don't need critics in here. I'm my own critic. Those lot of anonymous-es are just a bunch of idle beings sticking their noses into others' affairs behind their screens.

I'm over my past love, over my past relationship, over those pranksters, over with the lies, over with this facade. Over with everything. I have someone whom I can truly be myself with, I don't have to put up brave, heartless and false fronts anymore, that's because I know she'll be there to face it all with me. My ups and downs, my in(s) and out(s), the every phase of what I'm going through.

Plans and invitations have been made for my birthday! It'll be similar to last year - hotel stay. I hope all invited will turn up, I hope CCH bf will turn up. I miss that bestie tons. But before all that will come ahren's birthday. A whole lot of fun lined up on that day. This addiction to the sun should stop, I can't seem to live without the once-in-a-week tanning. I need to shop but ahren's plans are always scheduled with other stuffs when I specifically informed her that I had been wanting to shop since some time ago already. I'll just grab someone else to shop with. Bah!

KAYSON TAY. Just stop denying everything when all the facts are neatly laid right in front of everyone's eyes. I trust Nique, and I trust her enough not to meddle with what I very much hold personal to me. You wish to argue, fine with me, but argue sensibly. Don't come up with so much thrash, when all the facts will eventually point to you being blamed. I don't wish to squabble with you indirectly this way anymore. Let what has happened be bygones, and if anymore of this shit craps up, you'll be terribly sorry. You want concrete proof? Here it is. I gave Nique and you my passwords, and Nique would never carry out despicable acts such as these. Only you are capable of these, only you are this idle. And you should be fucking glad and grateful that Stacey doesn't hold any grudge against you. You are blessed to have such a thoughtful ex-girlfriend.

Kayson oh kayson, how much more childish ways of yours do you want to display? You intruded into my blog, uninvited, you changed the passwords, you cleared the template. But think again, I'm more intelligent than you think I am. Don't go through underhand and lowdown means just to get back at me. If only your girlfriend saw this despicably immature side of you. Oh well, what you see is what you get, or rather, will get. What goes around comes around. You know that saying speaks like a wonder. No name-calling here, just describing who you are. Your sarcasm isn't getting you anywhere, even your girl can't take it. Tsk. This is for you.

Yesterday was alright. Didn't get to shop much because we didn't have enough time to cover the entire Bugis Village when all the shops actually opened, and I fussed about every single thing I saw in the shops. I still want to go to Bugis Village to shop. Remind me never to shop with ahren again. She walks out of shops so hurriedly, but I still need to shop very badly. Went for the long-awaited movie "Troy". Whee it was fantastic! Brad Pitt was outrageously sexy (I'm referring to his clotheless scenes). He seems to have stolen the limelight from Orlando Bloom. He's such a hottie! Yesteday was neoprint-taking mania, it was non-stop, 3 rounds were enough to make me feel hideous. I'm looking less photogenic lately.

Today was totally different from yesterday. It was nothing but shopping, and I enjoy such shopping sprees. I could get used to all this glorious luxury. Bought a tube top, and a pair of vintage-type earrings. I feel like some sort of gypsy nowadays. I still need a pair of heels. Almost bought this skirt, but decided that I'd already spent so much today, so I'll leave buying that for later. Bikini-hunting turned out great! Found a few places that sold affordable ones. Going to drag ahren go buy them with me.

It's literal murder, when I'm refer to menstrual cramps. The icky ache in your abdomen stays and causes you to crawl on your stomach, like a praying mantis. Moodswings are taking over, my thoughts are in a whirlpool. The guitar's fixed and ready for practicing on. I need lessons. Anyone up to it?

And oh yes, Adrianne Curry is dropdead sexy! -slurps

I don't know why
Why I did those things to you
What went through my mind
And I don't know why
Why I broke your heart in two
Guess that I was blind

Baby how I wish you could forgive me
One more time

And I swear
iIll be there
Anytime you want me to
I'll be true
Here to you
Don't leave me lonely
Cause I need you

I've been a fool
Now I can see the price to pay
I can't run and hide
Cause I'm loosing you
And my chances slipped away
With each time I lied

Baby how I wish you could forgive me
One more time

And I swear
I'll be there
Anytime you want me to
I'll be true
Here to you
Don't leave me lonely
Cause I need you

Baby living without you
Will tear me apart
When I know how it could have been
But I don't care what it leads to
Let's make a new start
And give love a chance to win cause
Baby I swear

And I swear
I'll be there
Anytime you want me to
I'll be true
Here to you
Don't leave me lonely
Cause I need you

Baby baby I swear to you
Anytime you want me too
Baby baby here for you


-I Need You (Westlife)-

Where do, I start?
Lyin' on a blanket underneath the stars
With, your head on
My chest
I always liked that best

I hate how, time flys
I still think back sometimes 'bout
Your lips on my neck
I always liked that best

That time we took a ride
Ended up down by the riverside
Soft touch
Wet kiss
I always liked that best

I like the way you used to hold me
I like the way you came to know me
You came to know me well
Well, well

Fallin' to sleep
Wearin' your shirt
'Cause it smelled so sweet
Who could forget
I always liked that best

Or, losin' my heart
Everytime you sang to me
On your guitiar
Lady in red
I always liked that best

I like the way you used to hold me
I like the way you came to know me
You came to know me well
Well

I could go on
So many things I miss now that you're gone
Your love, oh yes, I always liked that best


-I Liked That Best (Cyndi Thompson)-

To KAYSON TAY

First you tell your girlfriend you couldn't be bothered about me. The next thing you're telling me you're asking me to your birthday party just because you saw my nick. You flood me with your senseless sarcasm, and then you want to talk nice the next moment. You promise your girl that you'd steer clear from me, the next thing you're coming up to me to chat with me. If only your girl knew what you did behind her back. I didn't and haven't exposed them, have I? Be fucking grateful I didn't do you what you did to me. I can't stand a single bit of you. And I'm sorry if your girl reads this. This isn't meant to spite her. This is meant for you, that you contradict yourself as often as I do to myself. So quit bitching about me to anyone, in case you aren't aware that I know what you're saying. And stay outta my blog if you want to be a rumour-monger.

Anger truly does wonders. It brings about all the temperament in me, boils my senses until I can't seem to think sensibly. Furious to the pit, I can't dig nor fish out anymore excuses for your unacceptable behavior any further, then to tell you once and for all that you really suck. I'm talking about responsibility here, and I find you lacking a lot of that. Last minute information is a no-no for me, not as if you haven't learnt that in your 14 years cohabitating with me. You could seriously put your insensitivity and selfishness away for awhile, it isn't appreciated. I don't give a fuck what papers you have tomorrow, or the day after, or the day after the day after, just inform me beforehand before you come up with utterly lame excuses to excuse yourself from extra trouble. Then again, furiousity calms and it turns into sheer sadness. One feels blue all of a sudden, then, pondering on the reason to the anger-showing, then breaks down into bitter tears, wondering why what happened.

You try to give away everything you hold so dear to you, and after you do give it away, you suffer from the pangs of not having it; you want it back so bad. Once what you really wanted comes into your grasp, you clutch it too tight. Nobody's able to breathe easy, nobody's able to open up, and eventually you'll end up losing whatever you had gotten pains through to get back. By then, things wouldn't be the case of whether you've taken things forgranted or lost it, it would be the case of not reversing things to the way they were, and you would wonder why the love turned for the drastic worse. And that's what I call pitiful.

I've
tried,
I've
fallen.

I'm standing before
you now;-
you shunned me away.

Eternity never prolongs
as forever as it means.
The complexity is
too much
to endure.

I'm a lone self
seeking refuge
in you.

Love disregards
me.
I await
Love.

Yesterday and Today's Updates
Met up with Jyren first, cause Pat was late (as usual). We headed for Harbourfront centre for brunch at Yoshinoya's. After that we went down Guardian's to buy tanning lotion, then to Sentosa's! Jyren and I agree that Siloso beach sucks, so both of us decided that we'd go to Palawan. The sun came on and off. Pat was unable to get up on the platform, Jyren and I had to pull her up with all our might. Pat got sea-sick so she requested getting off the platform. She looked so kukufied. During fag-break, Jyren gave me this bottle filled with hand-made hearts, with a bear-tag. It's so god-damn sweet!Jyren was forced to be buried in the sand. We tanned for about 4 hours then we headed for the showers. Jyren forgot to bring extra binders, so I had to 'hair-dry' it for her. We took quite a few photos with our phone cameras. The pictures turned out nice. Plans were jumbled up, but she decided that we'd go to compass point to meet the others. Took bus 80 from harbourfront interchange all the way to sengkang. Mer, Boey, Xinyan and Denise were already there. Sam joined us later on. It was Xinyan and Sam's first month together. (*Happy first month anniversary!) They're cute together. Later when everyone dispersed, there was this commotion regarding the stayover between Jyren and I. She got so pissed off that she broke her glasses, right in front of me. I was dumbfounded. I hope to go get her a pair of glasses soon. Feeling guilty about it. Anyway we finalised our decisions eventually. We took 80 down to boat quay, bought a few drinks, and strolled to the esplanade. Spent our night at the esplanade. Fagged, drank and chatted till morning. Really chatted like nobody's business. At least it's another step to understanding those two more? Dumb security guards were patrolling the entire night throughout; turn-off. Pat always get hungry in the wee hours of the morning. I need an explanation for this weird habit. Reached home around 8am. The bus was so packed I had to jam my way out of the damn bus. I hate these kind of crowds, whereby you have to squeeze like fuck just to get the hell out of that place. You feel like sardine. Slept for 4 hours, couldn't sleep any further than that. Was worried about her whereabouts, so I woke up and gave her a ring at the cellphone. Now I'm hungry. There's Chap Chai in the kitchen, a whole pot full. But don't know if it's still edible. I love eating that.

Memories of you just ran through my mind. It seems that I haven't been able to get you off my mind successfully. Everything I do is to preoccupy myself so that I won't get to think of you. But once everything settles down, you're once again in my thoughts. How did we end up like this? Why did you have to go? Why do I have to compel myself to put you out of my life? Practically everything that I do will be able to relate to you. If I had my way, you'd be with me right now. But nothing permits that anymore. I've been torn since you went away. I don't want dwell in this facade any longer, it's wearing my emotions out, but I can't stop it either. This bout of doubt hurts. It's about time you got out of my mind, because I don't think I'll ever be on your mind as often as you're on mine. Ours was a love that went so wrong. You'll always be someone endeared to me, be it a lover or a friend. I can cope with that.

To my stupid : For everything that's true, it comes along with a You. You're beginning to show me what love is about. It is not selfish, nor self-indulgence. Even if everything else unbearably pains you, you'd still be happy for the sake of the other's happiness. You've been so patient with me, with my silly tantrums, my sudden moodswings. Give me time, I may change, I may heal. You being here means so much to me. Noone else has been this tolerant and supportive towards me. I love the way you hug, just to calm me.

All the sappy tracks have soaked me into the lovey-mood, and now I'm suffering from the post-lovey-blues. Both mentally and physically lethargic, I've decided to be bounded at home for today. My mind's flooded with thoughts, thoughts of people, friends, family, occurences, things, places, practically everything. I'm getting this feeling of being in a dilemma, and I know not the cause of this edgy feeling.

Shopped today!! Bought a pair of jeans and a polo t-shirt. Today's weather is bad bad bad, because it's scorching hot (even in the house). So the aircondition's on and will be left on the whole day. Tomorrow will be nothing but fun! I miss that stupid, miss that stupid, miss that stupid!

Take me as I am
Put your hand in mine now and forever
Darling here I stand, stand before you now
Deep inside I always knew
It was you, you and me
Two hearts drawn together bound by destiny
It was you and you for me
Every road leads to your door
Every step I take forever more

Just say you'll love me for the rest of your life
I gotta lot of love and I don’t want to let go
Will you still love me for the rest of my life?
'cause I can't go on
No, I can't go on
I can't go on
If I'm on my own

Take me as I am
Put your heart in mine, stay with me forever
'cause I am just a man who never understood
I never had a thing to prove
Till there was you
You and me
Then it all came clear so suddenly
How close to you that I wanna be

Do you believe a love could run so stong?
Do you believe a love could pass you by?
There was no special one for me
I was the lovely one, you see
But then my heart lost all control
Now you're all that I know


-Will You Still Love Me (Chicago)-

Friday's updates
Accompanied Jyren during her work again. Watched VCD, fagged and ate there. Stayed there for 6 hours. This stupid working neighbour of hers took my number, and she got jealous. Silly one. Fagged quite a bit today, kapo-ed from 3 people. It's time I start buying my own cigarettes. Went down compass point in the evening to meet all the others. Met Mer and Boey first though, the rest slowly joined us. This stupid play-hard-to-get girl was stubbornly refusing to get her ass onto the chair when everyone told her to sit down, and when she did get down to setting her butt on the chair, her friend pulled the seat away from her. Morale of the story is, don't play hard to get. They played truth or dare, typical truth-questions and dare-dares. Jyren wrote me this lovely letter, and I've kept it nicely in my memory safe. Forced Mer and her to go eat since they were hungry but were lazy to chew. She sent me home after that in a cab. Now she's having gastric. Silly stupid. Ben and I have plans! (Ben I hope you're reading this!)

Today's plans
Meeting up for church at Novena's. Then, am going to visit Mer at her workplace since it's nearby. And after that it's buying lunch and heading for Jyren's workplace to hand her her lunch. In the evening would be piano tuition.

Meeting Kin next friday for ice-skating! I love my busy life. It's been so hectic that I hardly have any time to spare to think of all the unhappy memories. I shouldn't be caring when the one I care for fuck cares. It's a new chapter I'm filling in. I love the people who care for me, and last but not least, I love my stupid.

It's not as if I have a choice whether to feel this way or not, I just do. I'm walking on every road, and I can't find the directions. As aimless as I am at this moment, I'm still struggling to find myself again. I'm missing you, but what more can I add, other than I really wish to see you right here right now? If you were here, I'd embrace your presence with every ounce of who I am. The If(s) again, and never a You. So many doubts, and not one confirmed. It's the nights when my mind bursts with memories, with thoughts, with regrets. But nevertheless, there's no doubt, I still need you, it still pains me to look back. And I dare not look forward. Till I get over you, till then, I'll start over anew.

To #24 : Thank you for being here. But I don't deserve all the niceness. I'm sorry, I wish I could live in indulging this princess treatment from you, but my conscience won't permit that. I wish I could, I really wish so, but really not now. Just keep in mind I'll always be here, just like you are.

KOMA sucks. So I'd strongly advice everyone not to splurge money on it. The story line is messy and confusing, not a single bit disturbing, although the movie did got me absorbed almost throughout the whole show. Watched it with Jyren. After that we strolled around town for awhile and then headed for Compass point to meet 3 other people. I didn't even realise Denise was in front of me when I saw her. She gave me the I-know-you-look, and I was puzzled for that moment. Pat joined us in a short while later. Was surprised to see her, haven't seen her in a long time. Boey and her 2 'bodyguards' arrived just as I had to leave. My suspicions were confirmed that Skye was my ex-senior at KC. What a small world. She sent me home, she insisted. So sweet ya? (familiar?)

And I find myself missing you again.

When I'm down and all alone
When nothing seems to matter
When I lose my hope
When I'm sad and confused

When it all gets turned around and 'round
I can't seem to reach for solid ground
When everything I've believed in seems untrue
All I have to do

Is think of you
I think of you and it's gone
Like you chase away the storm
Making it all okay
I think of you
I think of you and I'm strong
And I know I can go on
It's like you set me free
When life gets the best of me
I just think of you

Now I know what love means
And whatever life may hold for me
Through the fire
Through the rain I believe

Cause there's nothing I can't bear
Knowing that you will be there
If I fall I won't break
Through it all I'll make it through
Cause all I have to do

And when I think I'm all alone
I can't see the way to go
Lost in the rain of my own tears
To wash away the pain and fear

For the good times and the bad times
I just think of you
Cause you know you get the best of me
I just think of you


-I Think Of You (Tata Young)-

Updates for yesterday.

Initial schedule was to meet Denise and Marie, but I needed to submit some shit to TP personally, so I couldn't make it (*Sorry Denise and Marie!). Met up with Jyren. Accompanied her to her work place till around 6:30pm. Watched The Passion Of The Christ halfway till she decided she'll watch it the day after. Her stupid working neighbour kept flirting with she and I. Jyren was really sweet, cause She rang up along with Nique, naturally I'd be feeling so upset, close to breaking down, and Jyren was there to console me and all. Revolting please. Went down Orchard Meridien to wait for Fox and Fengling, waited for around half an hour and they were already inside monstercue. Fine and well, we headed in to find for them, they already started out with pool without Jyren. I didn't join them though. Mer came to join us by herself. Boey and her 2 friends (forgot their names) joined us too. And soon pool didn't seem entertaining enough, so we headed for PS to catch a movie. We all thought we could catch Koma but the last show had already ended. So we went starbucks and slacked. Everyone was crazy (shall not disclose to how and why). Mer's damn funny. Joker, she shall me my new laughing kaki. Jyren bought me a couple of drinks and sent me home cause it was late she insisted that it wasn't safe. Barely even 10 minutes after I stepped home, she called me. I was surprised and yet, crestfallen again. She spoke very nicely, and we had a proper chat.

But I couldn't tolerate the overwhelming feeling building inside me from talking to you, so I insisted on hanging up. You know, the feeling whereby the someone you love speaks to you, and somehow you know you can't really have her, and it eats you up inside? Whereby you truly miss someone so much, till your head implodes into so countless thoughts of that someone. And noone else made me feel that way. I'm about to lose my sanity just setting my thoughts on you. Perhaps nothing now will prove to you that I'm loving you the way I am, it doesn't matter. This is something I have to live with to compensate and pay off for the mistakes I've made. I've erred and I will try my best to change, as I've promised you. And I don't want to get over you. After all that has happened, I can't find myself loving you any less. And I have no explanations for this queer ending, except that this is real love I'm feeling for you. I hope you're happy in whatever you do, cause you being happy would make me happy now. That will be all I ask of you now.

I can't stop myself from being this crazy over you. Maybe someone could tell me how? Everything intercepts at one go, leaving me in this mess, leaving me guilty of everything that's been said. There seems no way for me to redeem myself anymore. And I'm sorry.

Please forgive me I know not what I do.
Please forgive me I can't stop loving.
Don't deny me; this pain I'm going through.
Please forgive me if I need you like I do.

After all that has been said and done, I still can never bring myself to announce to the world that I do hate you, because I don't and never will be able to. And yes, it's hard when people you love see you in a way which is so not you and it's unbelievable and hard to justify the injustice you did me by accusing me of everything that went wrong. And if this may sound crazy, I find myself still needing you like I need the air I breathe, I still find myself crying because I've lost you. I'm still in love with you. The last thing I'd do would be to hurt you. A hundred and one times I've been reminding myself to get a life and get over you. Love isn't that superficial. Yours to mine is, mine to yours isn't. Love isn't about playing your own part and then walking away once you think your part is fulfilled, it's about giving till it hurts. Love is unconditional, there should never be exchanges, or compelled compromises.

To Nique : Thank you for your endless concern. You've never left since the day I left. Really appreciate you being here.
To June : Thanks sister, for listening till so late last night, for being the pillar of my strength this time round, for speaking up for me, for understanding, for you wise shit.
To Jason : Thanks big bro. Thank you for your comforting concern, for your calls to just check if I'm alright.
To James : You've always said words that I could never disagree to. Thank you for every piece of advice. I will hold them close to my heart and mind.
To Evan, Pei, Kayson, Drea, Mac, Ryan and anyone else I forgot to mention : Thank you for your advices, for your concern, for being here during my roughs, for bothering to listen to me rattle on about my shits.

hello ladies and bungabungs....the love ly person is here to stae...*i hear applauses*bows...yep..

to bimbo: hi bimbo, waddsup, no dun answer, u no life one, so i guess nth's up

to cheryl: hi*sincere face* WADUPS, another no life one, hais...nvm why bother!

to ppl i dunno: hi ppl: i'm june, hi! nice to see u patronising this area, like hello, do u noe hu i am....DO U?!??!?! well i'm june..i think i said tt alr

todae, horrid dae, was suppose to study but melissa, oh yes sweet melissa had to disturb disturb...love my bud-tie!!! ...yes. and some ppl just love jumping to conclusion, no one in perticular but basically ppl

it's weird when ppl are uncompassionate or cant see things both waes, it sucks when ppl you love seem to change faster than the friggin weather or smth. its weird when ppl u love see u in a wae which is so not u and its so hard to justify the in justice u are receiving . theres so much that u wud want to do yet nth u can do.

in a nutshell, we got to understand ppl and think both waes. give love, unconditionally. its a gift 4m god..teehee. but lesbianism is a sin so naturally it wun work out, some wae, some how. nth last forever. ppl gotta love each other and except each other differences....okok...melissa i'm not acting like a nun or smth...i'm outta here...mean while, to my one entry

PEACE, NO WAR!!!

- me, june-

And I wish I wasn't this much smitten with you. It hurts for you to make up so many fucking excuses just to keep me AS WELL AS get your way in your freedom and the way you do the things you do. Frankly, I actually see my parent's relationship happening in ours, and if things will turn out the way it has for them, I can honestly tell you that I don't wish to be in love. You want me to wait for you, till you're ready for this relationship, but did I tell you that I was already tired of everything, including pleasing you? I've tried my best, I really did. But maybe, my best just wasn't enough. Yes I think that's it, it's not enough. You're unbelievable, you never shed a tear when you commanded me to leave you, when you asked me to walk away, when obviously all I needed was you. You said I had nothing to say, but did you have any then? I'm expected to spill out whatever I felt, whereas you felt nothing so you said nothing. What kind of love is that only one party expresses everything? And after a month and ten days, all you wanted from me was friendship. Yes this is unbelievable. I don't have the strength emotionally to endure this much longer. If you're afraid of loneliness and you haven't found someone else to substitute me, just leave. You have many girl friends anyway don't you? This whole idea is absurb, and I haven't got a clue how you dragged me into agreeing into this idea of starting out as friends all over again. Your thinking and your mindset are gibberish to me. I'm tired. I really am. Worn out by the tears, by the fights, by the arguments with no ends, with your insensitivity. Now, all I want is for this love to vanish, and never return. Never would I ever wish to be this hard up for someone who fuck cares about me. So I'm not allowed to do things that you do? I think you've got your conception of righteousness all wrong. Wrong wrong wrong. I'm so sorry, to say that I want you out of my door. No doubt I love you, and you can see, I am loving you till it hurts so bad. My tears have all been shed. I don't want to run away from what's real, and what's real is that you don't really love me. I'm just here for you to feed your loneliness, am I not? I'm needing you so much here, and you? You just need anyone to be there. ANYONE. It isn't specially me and it'll never be. I've lost my mind. I've gone numb.