We used to be happy, yet now, I can't seek happiness because I know not where to find it. My thoughts burdened, my eyes tired from crying. Why does money have to be the most important root to my joy? You have shared fragments of my past, and I yours, but there were pieces that were never picked up. Jaded, and lost, I'm undecided if I should stay, or leave. The reasons for staying and leaving seem distant and vague, but persistent. Stress builds in like the beating of my heart thumping in my head - constant and annoying. Life lies still bittersweet, with illusions instilled to beautify visions of it; so short-lasting, so short-lived. As time washes like the sands on shore, so will promises engraved deep in our hearts. Dramatic; we will someday look upon it, and find ourselves laughing and crying at nostalgia. Then, how pain turns into bitter smiles.

I can still smell the aroma of innocence, somewhere in my memories.

At 18, I thought I'd be geared up to take on mountains of problems, but I'll swallow my perceptions of this matter. I used to be able to pick flowers in the morning to greet eggs and soya bean milk for breakfast, now breakfast is passe. Why is it, that parents always tell their children to look upon their recklessness and carelessness as pointers for their mistakes? I don't spit luxury at the tip of my words but expectations are always there to chain me down. I can't afford the promises that I make, to make things lighter for us, to make the world seem a little rounder so that our love could revolve around it. Outside the window, I see other closed windows. And when at the outside that I see from the inside, sometimes things look more beautiful, and other times I'd wish I'd gone back inside.

Thoughts are just thoughts. I don't seem to live my thoughts but all my life and living, I spend them in my thoughts.

Just like reality, I'm not as wonderful as you make me out to be.

Check out my new visual obsession; sizzling sexiness. Ethan Hawke; starring in Dead Poets Society, Hamlet and Taking Lives.

At last, back is the camera, but another of its series. Proudly presenting from today on, the much-spoken-of long-awaited Panasonic Lumix FX2. By the way, I found out that FX2 was facing out as well. It's really sleek and extremely portable. Anyway, you wouldn't believe who I saw at Funan just now. Mum and I were walking behind this butch when mum said," alamak, this fella looks like Joyce". I trudged a few more steps forward only to realise that it was Daren that she noticed. Now, mum wants to go to church to pray for Daren's soul.

Next I need a job to compensate and make up for all the unnecessary expenditure I've been causing. From a four-digit amount in my bank, it has been reduced to a three-digit sum. In addition to that, I desperately need to buy a handbag.

A two sandwich diet I went on today. Hope all the resisting of temptation will pay off before school reopens.

My PC's Altec Lansing left speaker has finally resumed operations, thanks to my magical hands. New plans for today - heading down to Funan IT mall to get my Panasonic Lumix FX2, but the weather doesn't seem to permit me from doing so. The sun refuses to shine where I go.

Guilty I am, for all the things I've done against others. Guilty I am, for breaking my parents' hearts.

Yet again, I have responded instantly to Tia's school-promoting calls, and two schools were toured by me; estimatedly 40 students altogether. Contemplating if I should even step out of the house tomorrow. 5/6 of H5 has finally gotten together to chill out together this evening.

Nique, I miss you.

New template! Theme of design, IPod.

Today, I realised I'm extremely unfamiliar with HTMLs; been so complacent with dreamweaver and graphics that I totally left HTMLs out of my to-learn list.

So turn up the corners of your lips
Part them and feel my finger tips
Trace the moment, fall forever
Defense is paper thin
Just one touch and I'd be in too deep
Now to ever swim against the current

So let me slip away, so let me slip away
So let me slip away, so let me slip against the current

Vindicated
I am selfish, I am wrong
I am right, I swear I'm right
Swear I knew it all along
And I am flawed
But I am cleaning up so well
I am seeing in me now
The things you swore you saw yourself

I can never forget the wonderful melodies the bagpipes play. Listening to bagpipe tunes always reminds me of a happier place outside this world. But that's not the point. My spirit lightens and somewhat floats at the sorrowful nature of the instrument itself. I've always wanted to visit Scotland to watch the countrymen blow bagpipes in their cotton wrap-arounds, despite everyone reminding me about the Loch Ness Monster.

Violins, how they blend in to complement the sound of the bagpipes so perfectly, how you'll always discover violin parts among the bagpipes. How the sound of the violins makes you ponder on your childhood. How the bagpipes remind you of subtle sorrow.

And how the chill in a rainy day seems a little warmer now.

Easter Day only is enjoyable in the morning when all the activities are lined up and pre-arranged. But after mass, everything just resumes to the way it was always before. The three had an open discussion last night, and I'd say it resulted smoothly. At least issues have been voiced out, and there's a more vivid understanding of each other now. Anyhow, Happy Easter to all.

Dig this.

Photoshop seems to come pretty handy lately. The ultimate cure to my boredom; Nique too of course, but that's not the point. Some visual entertainment.

I'm amused at my vulnerability when I'm around Nique, my friends, money, and not forgetting, my family. It's their ability to hurt me that surprises my nature. I'd never allow myself to crumble this bitterly over other matters. Marion's permanent physical departure has caused such an impact, that I'm afraid to lose the good friendships, the love that fits just right with me, still fearing to lose the ones I hold so dear to me. But sometimes, the goodness isn't reciprocated.

2 years 8 months and 12 days. After 2 years 8 months and 12 days, I still think of her till I end up in tears, I still quiver at the mention of vague familiarity of death. And indeed, this whole experienced changed me drastically. And I can't forget every bit of the scenes from the day of her demise to the day she was being pushed into the cremation fires. The pain wasn't as painful as suicide (I dare say that).

I need you people more than you would ever imagine. I'll be needing you all for as long as I'm around.

The flame of enthusiasm to transform my ugly ways died out in just 2 hours. I don't know how to put this into words, but I'm worn out in every single way. I've mentally made plans to schedule out my life but I never put plans to execution, and I really hate myself for that. All the time I spend blogging, I could really use it to sell myself somewhere big in the market.

How the hell am I suppose to upkeep this passion for designing and music? I've been so pessimistic lately that I find friends fencing themselves from me, packing up and leaving me, one after another. How does that measure friendship for you? But hey, look on the brighter note of things - I'm not in the mood to cry. Reality poisons dreams sometimes.

The beautiful side of my stories never lasted more than a moment or two. I'm certain there's happier place somewhere where I'm at.


(mr chua blogged this for mrs chua. iloveyoudarling. pls cheer up.)

12 months, 365 days, 8760 hours, 525600 minutes, 315360000 seconds we squander in a year. Nobody thinks back with content at their living and thinks it's the correct way of exercising life. So much time to accomplish so much more than we can ever mentally amount, but we're just to lazy to do anything better with life.

Today's procession gave me several issues to ponder on.

Man err yet he blames his neighbour for erring. We fail miserably at loving our enemy before hating them, and I am no exception. More than often, we gain satisfaction and we glee from watching others fall. But think, if we learn to aid when others fall, we, too, will be aided when we, too, fall. People remember you for the harm you inflict on them, but they also never forget when you are there helping them, it's just a matter of whether they put those memories to appreciation and gratitude.

"You don't need to be hung up on the cross and crucified and be pierced into just to be God-like. All you need to do is to love others before yourself, and see God in everyone, especially the ones who have done against you. Carry your cross and accept it graciously."

Just try with all your might. That's enough.

Doodled around photoshop hoping to create something more retro, but obviously it only looks somewhat colourful.

The escalator of my cries have caused everything to appear surreal. No longer am I aware of who I'm loved by, no longer do I remember who last remembered bothering, all that's visible is Nique's love for me. She's been standing by me in all these times of desperation and need, and noone else can love me like she does. She's been so meticulously sensitive about my feelings.

The rays of healing I can see directing, the rain drops that lightens with every morsel of your love, the words that miraculously comforts my soul, the tears that all worth the cry - you are. I'll be sticking around by you for a long time, so stay beside me and we'll whole this loving. You and I are at the touchdown of our lives, and I'm sorry I almost undid all of these. I couldn't bear to lose you again. I want to see you so bad.

God dawns upon me as a stranger more than often. Sometimes He brings such perfect joy, yet He's at the same time, the one capable of causing such pitless falls. His strike of anger is cruel, yet his flawless and unconditional love are impossible for Man to complete.

Whatever it is. God, please rest my angel in your love.

The opening of the holidays has been wasted not accomplishing anyting fruitful. But fret not, because I've found myself a job as an english tutor to primary school and lower secondary school kids, and it's good money for $10/hour at least; tutoring charges are negoatiable. At least that's a load off my mind. If I budget my monetary resources well, I should be expecting to purchase my Panasonic Lumix FX1 digital camera by the end of April. I don't know if I should get an upgraded model of the Lumix. I'm online checking out the models and prices of the upgraded models now. Another issue worth me worrying a little lesser will be that I've been practicing my piano pieces; I've mastered the first half of the first piece by heart.

I'm praying for promotions for the camera so that I'll quickly go grab it when I have the money.

Updates
A shop at Marina Square's selling Panasonic Lumix FX1 at $490 but the model's already obselete because it was first in its series. I called up the shop which I bought my previous FX1 from but I figure the shop people sucks up to businessmen like my dad himself, so I'll probably drag my dad along with me to throw the money in their faces. Basically, $540 (inclusive of GST) packaged with a 256mb diskcard and the casing at some ulu road. I'd better go get the camera soon.

So much to worry about.

Every drop of blood echoes of the deceit
My heart bleeds at the reflection of yesterdays
Counting each morsel of will
I have none, I have none
Blackmailed was my love
Humanity was broken and shared by all
Piece by piece you carved marks that will forever remain visible
Your lies stood whispering in my late nights and my afternoon mornings
Where are the Reds and Blacks I inhaled for release
Why have I deserved such unlovingness

I've been made a toy for your loving pleasures.

My life's in such a huge mess that I know not how to straighthen it up in time. I have to take Grade 8 piano examinations this November, otherwise I'll be wasting a whole lot of money my parents spent on my piano education. Dilemma's between Orientation 2005 or working temporary full-time to earn the money to engage a tutor and to replace my camera with the exact same one. I hope I can pull through this tough ordeal.

It took me some time before I dared myself mentally to go up to the piano to open up the examinations book. And what really upsets is that, I used to be passionate about learning piano; it seemed only yesterday when I performed in front of everyone. Yet now, every bit of those memories seem adrift and unreal. I can't seem to do this anymore, but I know I have to face this alone whether I like it or not. So much mental pressure and stress I'm going through, and it seems that I've no other way of working this out; I have to forsake and sacrifice either this or that. My mind's about to implode into suicide if I can't deal with this wisely. I can't give up on 14 years of my piano education. It already plays such an important role in my life, to the extent of my parents deciding on a musical career realistically. My parents have already set far-fetched and ambitious expectations and goals for me, and the last thing I'd want to see are the faces of disappointment from them.

I wish I could end this all instead. I wish I never was born to being such a burden. I wish I was more resourceful and talented. I wish I could cut the thread, leave this all behind, and just die.

But all I could do, was to walk up to the piano to vaguely play barely two pieces out of the three, then run back to the study for denial in dismay. And it always ends up in me breaking down, thinking of how else I should have dealt the situation.

Reminder, the examination's in November.

Sometimes, I wish I didn't have the ability to love. And you know why I'm saying this.

Suddenly, the blanket of lies are being blown away, revealing truth I never got to know from you. And all of the sudden, I don't like Nique's friends at all.

The rainbow I saw so eminently descended to my feet. Moments where we both sat in silence, resting on one another for comfort - stolen by ferocity of humanity. The phase of passion had already died. Where's the joy we once had; the delirious euphoria we felt whenever our eyes met?

Split words; promises unkept; miles turned away from the ones you love; mild nostalgia; bout of doubts leading to corridors of loneliness; soaked tears night after night; crazy reminisce, anguish.

Disintegrate the walls, and let our minds intercept once more. It's about time we put an end to all devastation. Let my heart be your home, and let yours be mine. Make our love a nest - our permanent home.

Of all the people in the world, it had to be the one I love most hurting me this way. I can't stop crying. Now I've come to realise, selfishness and survival stops for noone and nothing, not even love.

People to thank for being here through the rough patches of my road -

Dana, for searching for jobs for me, for being there to tell me things will be okay, for cracking me up with your stupidity (at your expense), for being here.
June my sister, for everything you've done. I know all about it and I'm thankful to God you're my very own sister.
Leslie, for listening to me, every word, for hearing me out and making me feel better by telling me your experiences, for treating me like a baby and consoling me.
Phoebe, for searching for jobs for me.
Kayson, for listening to me complain, for consoling me.
Jinga, for offering to be here although I haven't gotten to talk to you, for being such a part of my life.

Diving downhill triggers so many memories from the past. The world seems so surreal now; as if time halts right in front of you, giving you the biggest trials you'll ever go through; the people around you, your loved ones - all exposed of their plastic genuity. In silence, you recall portion by portion, the endeavours and obstacles you survived through in your past, and from that point of life, you compare it from then to now.

And somehow, you would wish you could replay your childhood, right from the beginning.

When the boulder strikes upon your shoulders with such tremendous impact, you wish for a loved one, lurking by anywhere, to sit by you through the throbs of hurt and the tears that never solved the pain. Even through the roughest of the storms, I'll share my tears with you, and vice versa.

I'll be the one who will face all accountability. Not you. I.

I FUCKING LOST MY CAMERA. IT'S A PANASONIC LUMIX SOME MORE! I HOPE THE PERSON WHO STOLE IT, MAY HIS/HER CHEEBYE/ZUR ZUR DECOMPOSE TO A PIECE OR SOUR PLUM. SO ANGRY. WORSE PART IS : I WASN'T THE ONE WHO LOST IT. THE PICTURES TAKEN TODAY SO NICE SOME MORE. KAN NI NABEI CHAO CHEEBYE.

I'm sorry for sounding moronic. Maybe it's time I searched around for a rich boyfriend for myself.

When the lid of the gray overhead skies transcends to a halcyon;
when the light of dawn glistens upon the dew of life;
when the twisted unsaid changes into barrels of truth;
when you cast your skin to damnation for the love of your neighbours;
when calculations cease, into the magnificent flow of affinity,

that's when I learn to love unconditionally.

Dinner this evening was portrayed too perfect; the endless chitter-chatter of mindless adults and their families, children prancing around dinner tables, and little me in the midst of their conversations intently observing them. Beneath all that flawlessness laid corrupt hypocracy, and family-cum-adult politics; how they manipulate and take advantage of my father's failing business to strive upwards through his networking, when he's plunging downwards (not as if they aren't aware of that). And after all that, my mother yaks and gossips about her in-laws being the biggest fucktards of the world, inflicting such burden onto my father.

Then the realisation hit me - I don't have the time for romance anymore, I cannot afford to waste my youth on romance when what I should be focusing on is my career-to-be and bringing the dough into my house.

Why do we spend hours, days, months, years concentrating on seperation and dividing ourselves into selfish individuals when the world is ours to share? Why do you polish a lacquered mask in front of the people who falter like you do?

I don't know. You tell me.

Had absolutely nothing better to do after groceries marketing with Mum, so the both of us decided to pop by the library, with me only realising that Mum and I had accumulated a $23 fine since four years ago. So there goes the remainder of the cash I saved up this week, which leaves me to either be really economical or to cruelly draw it out of my bank savings.

I'm more than exilherated to be going out with 2/3 of H5 tomorrow for pool marathon and hopefully a movie, if my temptations relent. Nique made me angry today, but I doubt she'll take my temperaments seriously.

I've got 2 jobs throwing themselves at my call, but I'm not satisfied with the hourly rate pay they're offering, so I'm preceding with my redundant under-achieved unemployed days until I do find a job better than these 2. With nothing worth spending my valuable time on, I'm practically rotting my time away at home. I'm very much tempted to draw some money and hit the malls to shop to my heart's content, but I'm afraid that isn't possible because I need to save up for much more important matters.

Gym and job-hunting tomorrow, I hope.

When age catches up, and when reality places itself in its largest picture right before your eyes, do you wind the clock back to childlike days, or do you blend into the fashion of it? The political side of everything chases away whatever childlikeness you grew up with.

The one you love sets the best example to mould your life, in a way or another. In the blindness of the indescadent rays, do you think of me with you? Do you feel you shaping my ways? Sometimes, when pain blends amidst the laughter, the unhappiness isn't detetable.

After all, I need to know if you love me as much as I do you.

Year 1 Semester 2 has finally been wrapped up! Handed in my A2 drawing of Liv Tyler today. I have a premonition I'll be missing my second semester in time to come; will miss all the work. I'll miss Miss Tia. For 2 semesters I've been taught by her, and these 2 semesters being under her were fabulous. In fact, I think she's my favourite lecturer so far.

Nique will be staying over for 2 consecutive nights. We just finished watching Notting Hill. The show really sucked, I have to admit. Now it's high time I started searching for a job and enjoying my 8 weeks holidays.

Goodbye Year 1 Semester 2; you'll never be forgotten.

Printing at Bras Besah this morning wasn't as expensive as the one opposite school, which also means I'll be a frequent there when projects deadlines draw near. So I'm finished with the subject Colour (by the way, I spent $19 on the printing for the project). Dana and I cabbed back to school from Bras Besah because we were running really late, and Lille threatened us to deduct marks for late work. After handing up IMDP1, Phoebe and I went to meet Nique. We dined at Long John's before we went to catch BoogeyMan. I shan't elaborate on embarrasing incidents during the movie but the movie was pretty attention-grabbing. Story wasn't fantastic, but acceptable.

I'm busy with my A2 drawing that's due tomorrow. The subject of the drawing's supposed to be Liv Tyler, but I think it looks more like Sonique now. My portraits always turn out looking like other people, but just as well anyway.

Nique's beside me now; she's staying over tonight, but I haven't seem to be able to strike a conversation with her because I've been too sunken into my drawing.

Some visual entertainment.

It's Daryl's birthday today (Mind you, I haven't forgotten).

Happy 16th Birthday!

Although time and work has seperated us for as long as I can remember, it never does mean that you're forgotten. You've always been kept secure in my heart and memories although I've never said it much lately. You're spending your 16th birthday at home, sick. I pray for your quick recovery. And when you do get well, please inform me so that I'll take you out for lunch or something, and we shall do loads of catching up. And again, happy 16th birthday!

After doing the Colour Final Project, I've come to realise that I do bear favouritism for retro colours although I insist on only preferring black and white. I've calculated and I'm about to spend roughly $16 on the printing of this stupid project. I should compose a petition to reduce costs for the subject, and make the people of design school sign it. And to top up to all those complaints, I would like to add something else : Temasek Polytechnic is NOT equipped with sufficient laser-printers, which resulted in me and some others spending double the amount of what I should be spending my money on. In times of such turmoil and mass needs, the school isn't doing its part to aid our financial strain. I swear I almost broke into tears just trying to find a printer to print my work.

This is depressing. Here it is; another reason for me to be scrimping on everything, all over again. I can't even sit back to enjoy my holidays without bearing the dreadful thought of being broke. I'll need a job to upkeep myself.

I just couldn't resist clicking on the blogger bookmark. I've stressed up right to the cap of my brain. I've just recited a whole chunk of IMDP1 do(s) and must(s) to Nique over the phone, which left her speechless regarding a designer-to-be's life. I admit, that I do love designing, that it's playing such a major role in my life now, but the last minute work always seems to frustrate me. Constantly for the past few days, I'm reminding myself that I've only till Thursday to endure this struggle. There is nothing I cannot go through and go pass.

Never say never. I've never told you that I'll never leave. Let us both preserve, savour and grow what we have now for now, and save the laters for later.

STRESS

Not sunkissed, but sunburnt this time round. Had to be up by 7.30am to meet Nique at 9am but she made her way to Tampines earlier. Reached Palawan around 10am. The beach's toilet was under renovation so we had to use those temporary toilets, which really disgusted me because the toilet cubicles were filthy; so I refused to bathe. We had heart to heart conversations again. Bumped into Chuanyee (her friend) and Shannon (mine); didn't manage to say hi to Shannon though. She was spending the whole time practically wondering if I was Cheryl. Nique and I then swam to the platform, where her tanning oil's cap dropped into the little hole of the platform itself. It got stuck in the hole, so I suggested that she jumps on the platform to allow the water to shoot upwards, causing the cap to also thrust likewise. Nique tried and it worked, but the cap refused to make its way up to Nique. So what Nique did was to 'hump' the platform, but all in vain because later, we found the cap roaming on the surface of the sea.

Anyway, I'm suffering from extreme sun-burns now and my face feels like it's wrinkling, which also means that my skin will begin peeling soon. My bikini tan lines look absolutely gorgeous because it has finally evolved with its obviousness. I've got an inkling I'll fall asleep doing IMDP1 later. I'll be uploading the tanning pictures soon when I have the time.

When marimba rhythms start to play (Hit me)
Dance with me (Hit me)
Make me sway (Hit me hit me)
Like a lazy ocean hugs the shore
Hold me close
Sway me more

Shifted all the components of the previous skin into something that looks rather new. Spent quite sometime revamping the whole image of it, although the display picture stays intact. I did the same for Nique's blog; by the way, the password system to her blog has been removed, so this means you people can gain convenient access to her blog to view my creation.

I've only partially finished the development and research to the colour project. Dana please guide me. This project is too confusing. Dana's getting too ambitious and competitive; I need to start bucking up before I lose my top 25% to people like her.

Somewhat and somehow, I'm afraid you'll leave my side someday.

Please, do be kind enough to help me out with a survey. It's for IMDP1 final proposal.

Click to get to survey.

Fatigue is causing head spells and extreme urges to head for the bed. So today I finally handed up my Fort Canning A3 drawing (Tia commented that the image itself looked flat); presented my colour journal and I think it went on very smoothly (the class labelled me the 'market spoiler' for the class).

I met my Nique Chua again today; we went to town to shop for bikini for me but we bought other items instead. She bought two sports bra and I, two tank tops. We got it at extremely cheap prices so it was quite a bargain as compared to the bikini. I purchased the black and light brown tank-top while she chose the grayish-blue and black sports-bra.

All that is needed to be finished now are IMDP1, Life Drawing A2 portrait and the colour final project, and I'm officially putting Year 1 Semester 2 behind me.

I miss my Nique Chua.

12.19am - Mental lethargy and detiorating physical endurance stamina.
Cause: Colour journal and FortCanning drawing.

I have the greatest love of my lifetime, and this time I'm not going to let the grip loose. This time I'm going to abandon all my grumbles and complains into the back door, whilst I'm trudging forward to the miracles that happened in my life. You are my miracle.

Psst, Nique banged her head against the neoprint machine entrance side because she didn't lift up the curtains that blocked the machine itself. She was too embarrassed to feel any pain, so she just laughed and laughed. I think the laughter was derived from loud 'KONG' echoing in her head. Remember, you didn't know about it from me.

I am that piece of fragile shatter you're incomplete without, in the array of colours in the spectrum of the multitude of rainbows. In the midst of utopia vowed, I will be that person you'll pledge forever with.

I love you Nique.

Two entries before this, I wrote entirely on how God made life unfair for his people. He grants you people you meet in life, and he retrieves them back to him just as abruptly. I'm ashamed, that even after more than two and a half years since her being gone, I'm still traumatised. We're only but a tool; an instrument at his beck and call.

I'm wondering, if the skies high above all I can envision clear, if you know I'm still dependant on the thought of trying to keep the memories around so that nothing will be able to be erased; if I will ever be able to gaze into your eyes and know that I'm never standing lonely?

Or are you lost in the dark netherworld? I try not to think.

Do excuse me if I was getting a little too emotional just now, because the fact is, I was emotional, but that's all over now and I'm feeling hyped on music. I want to be a rich girl; so rich that the other girls would just die to exchange financial status with me. Nique, you've got a girlfriend whose monetary expectations are high. What are you planning to do about that? (Clue : Future Planning)

If I was a rich girl
See, I'd have all the money in the world, if I was a wealthy girl
No man could test me, impress me, my cash flow would never ever end
Cause I'd have all the money in the world, if I was a wealthy girl

News has reported that a family had just passed on this afternoon. A father killed his wife and two children before ending his own life by taking a flight down from his flat.

It's really upsetting to see a family end up in this state, and it saddens me deeply to be reading happenings like this. They lived just three blocks away from where my home is, where my daycare centre was.

God, sometimes, can be so unfair. He pushes the good people to a dead end, and sends them to hell for what he created in the first place. I'm sorry if this seems blasphemic but it is my opinion afterall. The preacher once told his followers that 'everyone that enters the gate of heaven as equal'. He went on saying that all memory will be wiped out and that you'll live life after the life in this world as equal saints in heaven. I don't get the point. The only reason you live well in life for the right reason is because of love. You love your spouse, you love your family, you love your neighbours; and when you die, you won't be able to even recognise your loved ones. Isn't that sheer agony in heaven? God gives the rich better things so that the poor will be rich after death, but what's the point, even if you do live a perfect afterlife. Sometimes when a dilemma gets too complexed to solve, you feel all bitter, and God shouldn't blame you for that. We aren't perfect and we can never be. Since God made Man sinful, he should never blame us on the acts of sin for the ones we love. Or should he? Free will and free choice are options, but when options stand equal on the scale, what do you turn to?

However, I will be praying for the family who passed on to the next. May the Lord grant them mercy, especially the father.

I'm afraid.

I'll hate kayaking because it stole time with you from me this weekends. It's weekends like this one that makes me feel horrid being so far apart from you. It would be great if I could see you sooner than I told you I would.

I'd give anything to have you right beside me residing all your endeavours out at sea today, telling me how you ache from the rowing of your expedition; just to watch you smile with such exhileration.

The realisation hit me just this afternoon; in fact it knocked me pretty hard. More than often, I'd explain to you that mouthing the words don't hold much weightage to me if said conveniently. I don't spit the words at the tip of my tongue and make profession given so readily. But I love you more than I thought I did.

Shall we date basking in the love of the sun sometime, honey?

Spent the entire day doodling with HTMLs and playing around with Dreamweaver MX. My PC is lacking Microsoft Frontpage; that moronic computer reformatting guy didn't have it installed for me. I've been working on a new blog template, with my private blog as the guinae pig for my experiments on web designs. I heard it designs webpages easier than Dreamweaver. Maybe I'll give it a go at school's free access lab during the holidays. Phoebe will be teaching me how to create vector graphics out of images. Dana and I will be working on new blog templates this holidays.

Nique's kayaking at East Coast, whilst Phoebe's at East Coast snapping pictures for BaPho. I've been pretty cold towards Nique these few days; I simply refuse my anger to be triggered. I don't want any form of temptation for me to be angry or frustrated with. I miss Nique actually, just that I don't say it out as much as I feel so.

Mirrors don't lie (got this phrase from I-forgot-where, but I'll grant credits when I finally remember/find the site).

Hit the pool before noon, and swam until the sun got too scorching for the perfect tan. Within 2 hours, I managed to upkeep a bit of my old tan. 20 laps and we ran out of time. I'm planning on getting another dog, a puppy preferably, as company for my poop. Nothing fascinating or interesting to blog about today except that as usual, I'm packed to the brim with projects to be submitted on my last week of school as a freshie. Finally a junior, after 30 weeks of being labelled as 'freshie'.

Photoshop's a miracle worker.

I know I might be a tad bit demanding, but I want to meet the long-lost-friends during my two months holidays break. Nique had her share of laughs when she chanced upon someone today at Bugis (hell she sure did).

I still can't believe another semester is about to pass me by just like that, without me being able to work my fullest for it. It seems that everybody's pretty much screwed up this semester, not due to complacency or laziness, but purely due to the reason of the lack of time.

We're drawing inner deeper in the circle of our world. I wouldn't have been taught the right way to love if there wasn't you. I read the messages from then till now, and they haven't changed my decision; my choice never faltered. The life and love in you seldom fails in bringing smiles to my day, which is why I'll be needing you around for as long as I can retain you in our circle.

You can fly so high
Keep your gaze upon the sky
I'll be praying every step along the way
Even though it breaks my heart to know we'll be so far apart
I love you too much to make you stay
Baby fly away

Safari doesn't support the font-colour-change system, neither does FireFox, so I guess it only leaves me with the dreaded Internet Explorer, which I will insist on not supporting.

By right, I shouldn't be complaining of the lack of attention, I shouldn't even mouth the words of grumble when I have everything I could ever ask for. There are people whom I know out there who are deprived of the mutal relationship I have at hand now. I've been so selfish, I speak of people acting selfish, but it never occurred to me that all I needed to do was to take a look at the mirror and see what contradiction I have made myself turn out to be. Whichever it is, I am sorry Nique, for forever being mad at you. Projects and stress aren't excuses fit to give me reasons to treat you the way I do.

Not to forget, thanks Miss Lille Wang, for allowing me to join the Friday class, saving me from being debarred from the subject!

That moron really went to sleep when I'm here happily getting mad at her. I'm totally drained out from all my mental energy. Sometimes I wish I wouldn't have to live so hard just to make my point, then living wouldn't be such a hassle. Life and living would really brighten up and be more enjoyable. Slogging so much this manner will just result in me hating what I do, which will take me back to my secondary school days when I hated most of the people there.

Life the life you dread. That's the way things run.

LDSCHR presentation this morning fell all over at my feet, and I couldn't pick it up in time. But luckily for me, he didn't make any remarks or comments about my presentation. I'm positive our group did better than the other group working on the same well-known leader. In 40 minutes time, I'll be hitched up with Wahidah for consultation. After the consultation comes the orientation meeting. I have to hand in my pattern designs and colour schemes for colour, and the Fort Canning drawing tomorrow.

It's our 2nd monthsary! How time flies (as I've already said before) and we're here a step deeper. I've embarked in a journey that feels as heaven as forever, and I never wish for it to end. You're all I adore. I'll never be able to look at anyone else's eyes and tell them I love them the way I tell you. I'll never be able to be embraced in anyone else's arms and tell them that I'm meant to be in them. I love you Nique.

*I hope you liked the present I did for you!

So I didn't manage to continue my blogging last night due to blogger refusing to load its page for me. What frustration to endure. I've officially finished my second and last assignments for VisCo, leaving me with the first one left, which I'm too lazy to do. I don't understand VisCo's stuff like how I don't understand why Phek Gek requests so much from one simple problem. It's people like her that tire us design students out. Anyway, I'm happily done with the second monthsary gift for Nique; I think she'll like it (or so I hope). Mum's not feeling well lately and I don't know what's wrong either, but I'm trying my best to offer help around the house.

When you think I've loved you all I can, I'm going to love you a little bit more.