My life's in such a huge mess that I know not how to straighthen it up in time. I have to take Grade 8 piano examinations this November, otherwise I'll be wasting a whole lot of money my parents spent on my piano education. Dilemma's between Orientation 2005 or working temporary full-time to earn the money to engage a tutor and to replace my camera with the exact same one. I hope I can pull through this tough ordeal.

It took me some time before I dared myself mentally to go up to the piano to open up the examinations book. And what really upsets is that, I used to be passionate about learning piano; it seemed only yesterday when I performed in front of everyone. Yet now, every bit of those memories seem adrift and unreal. I can't seem to do this anymore, but I know I have to face this alone whether I like it or not. So much mental pressure and stress I'm going through, and it seems that I've no other way of working this out; I have to forsake and sacrifice either this or that. My mind's about to implode into suicide if I can't deal with this wisely. I can't give up on 14 years of my piano education. It already plays such an important role in my life, to the extent of my parents deciding on a musical career realistically. My parents have already set far-fetched and ambitious expectations and goals for me, and the last thing I'd want to see are the faces of disappointment from them.

I wish I could end this all instead. I wish I never was born to being such a burden. I wish I was more resourceful and talented. I wish I could cut the thread, leave this all behind, and just die.

But all I could do, was to walk up to the piano to vaguely play barely two pieces out of the three, then run back to the study for denial in dismay. And it always ends up in me breaking down, thinking of how else I should have dealt the situation.

Reminder, the examination's in November.