It's Phoebe's 18th! Had a terrific day today. Dana Priscelia and I took a bus down together to fareast. Nique Joo and Yuani met us there. We took a wrong bus that ended somewhere near Great World City. H5 plus Nanny went for sushi buffet at Suki Yuki Yaki. The food there was alright, not as good as expected though. We bought 2 brownies with tiramisu ice cream on it. I hope Phoebe enjoyed it as much as I did. H5, Nanny, Fiona and Amanda took neoprints together. Headed for NYDC's because they needed to have their dinner.

I went through magic today. It was a ride I remember I had once been on but long ago forgotten. Adrenaline surged right through me as you held me tight. No words were needed; everything was honest. The thought of that moment of us right there kissing makes me lose my senses. I know I'm where I should be and it is you that I belong. So in love when we're together.

Happy Birthday to you! Happy birthday to you! Happy birthday to Phoebe! Happy birthday to you!

Wishing you a very happy birthday and may you always be happy in whatever you do.

My Year 2005 Resolutions-

1. Achieve top 10% in IMD Year 1
2. Utilise the left hand as the dominant hand
3. Being a good family member and friend
4. To look towards optimism
5. Cast aside all hatred and rid them off for good
6. Earning more keep
7. Passing my grade 8 piano practicals examinations so that I can move on to teaching course
8. Being consistent in my faith in God
9. Being less materialistic
10. Loving to the fullest
11. For the world to live in peace and much harmony
12. To mature up further
13. Being the best I can for Her

Death toll risen to 55,000 from 23,000 within a day. What saddening news to knock the world awake. It's about time anyway. People all over the world from different countries and states are contributing to aiding the people who lost their families during this tragedy. It's upsetting to know you can't do anything but to watch from afar and try as hard with all your might to want to help, but all you can do is to sit by the television set and pray to the Lord throughout the day, thinking of other ways to offer help other than chipping into the funds and donating necessaties. I hope the Lord blesses all those who are in need of his blessings, and may the One above be with every single one of everyone always. May the loss of loved ones not be as if loss of life, but instead, gaining of a new life, though it's easier said than done. I'm praying hard, Lord I am. I blame myself for being fortunate, even though I wish no misfortune to befall unto me.

Some of the campdesign 2004 students added me back at messenger's, and I realised I miss my Aker babies, and a few from the other groups. They invited me to one of their gatherings just, and I'm thrilled. I hope I have time to fit in this outing.

You kiss magically, did I ever tell you that? It is in your arms that I know I'm surely safe, that my heart's resting just perfectly with you. Thrice, and you're still making me want you more. May our story set examples for forlorn lovers. I've been saving smiles for you.

I'm sorry to say, but God isn't being really fair to those people on the other side from where I am. Here I am in the luxurious comfort of my study room plus airconditioning in safety, and there the people are suffering from all sorts of natural disasters. Mother nature's a jinx, and I'm sorry to say. Here I am, typing this entry like I always blog after returning from something, and there they are, fleeing away from something they can't for their lives. I feel so helpless when such things arise from nothing, and I can do nothing but to keep them in my fervent prayers. In times like this, everyone needs God, even I. I need God to constantly remind me of how fortunate I am, and I need God to constantly step on my conscience, reminding me to pray for others who aren't as fortunate as I am. This new year comes along with new ambitions, new goals and targets, new people in my prayers, and many new resolutions. God has made more-than-obvious signs to me more than often to tell me that I've been too conceited, but I was too blind to burn away that reality-cataract. This year has been a very self-centred year, a year where I've been so blinded by success and ambitions and luxury. I've not been sacrificing much to receive anything. I've not been cherishing people around me when I've already lost people so dear to me. Once bitten not twice shy, yet. I haven't got myself burnt enough from the things I've experienced. I'm afraid of dying, even though I've tried to end life with a thought of a second. Life is silly, human nature is eccentric. Noone's really sure of what they really want until they witness it being taken away from them before their very eyes. And I'm not going to be one of those. I'm going to love until it hurts; I'm going to give until there's absolutely nothing left to give; I'm going to change for the best. Some things in me are just afraid to lose what I cannot afford to ever lose although I'm aware that they will eventually be lost. But heck, I'm going to try. For everyone's sake. For her sake.

So Lord, this year, bless those more unfortunate than I am.

I feel like doing something crazy. For example, standing at the edge of the breakwater at the beach and sobbing so hard, then bursting into hysterical laughter and being happy that I cried it all. It's days like these that I feel so lonesome with noone to really be bothered with me. Maybe it's paranoia being paranoid. This feeling sucks. I really need to purge my dinner, chocolates and logcake out, and I need free my thoughts; I need to cry. Christmas day itself was too conventional and monotonous for celebrating joyously, then again maybe it's just the lacking of substantial company. I can't believe this feeling I'm getting from your treatment towards me. It's the third time chemistry frictioned, and it's never happened before. In a way, I'm fearful of all the negative events repeating.

Truth is, I'm never happy, and that I'm selfish. Who isn't?

Merry Christmas to the world. It's a beautiful 25th December 2004 and I'm happy that my whole family's at home together today. I'm awake at 11.17am whereas the rest are fast asleep. Mum's not feeling well and I think so is the rest of the family, except me. Dad got all of us Christmas presents which came as an utter surprise because it's only last two years since he did a thoughtful thing like this. Dad got us chocolates (guylian truffles), Mum bought me a new bottle of CK1 (yay!), and June bought me this oriental cheongsam looking bag (really rad). They're all very practical and wonderful gifts.

Finally found someone that knocks me off my feet
Finally found the one makes me feel complete
Started over coffee, we started out as friends
It's funny how from simple things the best things begin
This time it's different it's all because of You.

I want you to see this before it's all too late. I love you.

It's been the best Christmas Eve ever today! I got to celebrate today with H5 plus Nanny, and on top of that, I got to see ahemahem. Phoebe and I waited pretty long before the rest arrived. But anyway, we exchanged presents and it was so sweet. Nique gave me a candycane, Nanny got me this really cool pen, Dana got me this spaghetti top, Pris got me a pencil case, Ingrid got me a pencil case (what's with pencil cases?) and Phoebe got me a pair of boygirl earrings, Jinyu gave me this stick with my name on it. They're the best presents I could ever receive. Nique and Phoebe will be clubbing at Monks today, and I'm left out from all the fun. But anyway, I'll be joining mum and sis for midnight mass later, before we exchange presents again when we get home after that. I wish my dad was around to join us in little joy such as these.

The joy you bring; I want it to last forever (:

It's Christmas Eve, and I've bought all the necessary presents for those who deserve it. I just finished my typo assignment and I'm all prepared to run to my room and jump onto my bed. I guess my mother would never understand. I don't know how to make her. I think I'm underestimating the stress I'm going through.

He came into bloomington today to say hi. I don't know if he did it for me, or to find Ingrid or Dana. God knows who he wants to find for next, if not me. I ignored him like what I set out today to accomplish. I did it, whether it hurt me or him, or whether it didn't. It's Christmas Eve, and somehow, it's empty knowing I'm spending it alone this year. There isn't any other way than to be impartial and treat him the way he treats me. I'm no spare thought, I'm no toy. I'd rather he be mean than pretend to love and continue being dishonest with me. So much emotional confusion and despair that it's hard to accept anything he's said or will say. Guys will always be guys. I've come to a conclusion that I haven't understood guys a single bit ever since I've turned straight. My hopes have died on him. All these will come to a permanent halt. I promise. I will pick myself up. Men won't have a way with me anymore.

03-36's PC isn't equipped with a drive F, thus creating more hassle for me, that I have to walk all the way to the bookshop, cyber centre and then back to the room just to present a project I would probably fail. SekJhia said he saw in Wahida's scoring sheet that she gave me an F for this assignment when she did comment and compliment my presentation. I shouldn't be failing. Then again, maybe there's Sek's eyesight's failing him. Leadership and Character was fun today. The 4 plus nanny went to Bedok reservoir to do me and Dana's drawing. It's been a long and tiring day today. I miss my 5 and our nanny.

I don't need a lover. I just need to live on the simple things that keep me contented. I don't need or want to see the disfiguration of relationships, nor do I wish to witness any separation this Christmas. All I ever needed were the simple things you say and do to keep me striving harder. Something's missing this time though, and I'm sure that missing thing is you. Today you walked past my lecture class and peered over into my class, and then you initiated messaging me. I was floating, I swear I was. This is how capable you are of making me happy. I hope you're not capable of that to others.

Sometimes, you get me so confused and wary of you. Everytime I'm in doubt of your words or actions or what you fail to tell me, my reservations toward you return. I'm really confused, and in doubt.

11.42pm
I'm going to sound barbaric here but I'm really disturbed and upset. It's the second time that I'm finding out so much about you towards me from others instead of hearing it from you directly. Thank you, you just made me cry over you again.

My eyelids are pulling me into slumber, so I'm pretty much semi-conscious now. Hagefive had dinner together at Bedok interchange's hawker, and the coconut drinks were upsized for just $1.20 for the whole drink. I got home and immediately started working on my projects. I've been at it for more than 5 hours already. As you can see, I'm tired but I have so much to say.

He says things to confuse me sometimes. I don't want to elaborate since I'm shagged. I didn't feel the butterflies when he gestured hi to me today; I usually get them. I miss ahemahem, and I have been throughout the day at intervals.

Freddy helped screw the project big time, with the uncredible trust of Mud. He screwed the entire presentation. It was just unbelieveable. Over that, the girls had lunch together with Nanny. I finished the outer wheel of my colour wheel. I've got the inner one but I have people telling me there are altogether 3 wheels - the normal one, the darker one and the lighter one. As for IMDP1's first project, I haven't the slightest clue of any idea to package the whole presentation, but I have this premonition that a lot of work and effort is required. VisCo; I don't know why I took on this subject just for the sake of the credit units. Even the lecturer doesn't make me change my impression of the module. Fucking stressed. To add to the horrible day, Alex made us wait more than half an hour for him to pick 2 fucking necklaces for a friend. I wouldn't want to remind myself of my impression of him. But, blech.

On a lighter note, I got to see my Aker baby Khai! And, Nique and her 2 friends came over to pass me VCDS. (Yes Phoebe, I have your long awaited Incredibles now.) Nique gave me her Christmas present to me. She bought me a wallet, with the designs of The Nightmare Before Christmas. I like it a lot! Thanks!

Mornings like these are memory-worthy. Mornings like these compensate for every bad night before spent. And I'm happy for mornings like these. So now the beautiful morning is going to evolve into an afternoon and I have a line of assignments and projects to meet deadlines for. Guess what? I have projects and assignments from every subject, and all due this week. Christmas in arriving in less than a week. I'll be bustling at home finishing my work today.

-ComDI group presentation
-Colour wheel assemble assignment
-Visual Composition's 4 exercises
-IMDP1 hotel proposal
-LDSCHR movie and group proposal
-LifeDrawing assignment to draw the reservoir
-Typography good and bad ad typography presentation

10.48pm-
So today I saw how much my Dad loves me, which really equals up to zero on a scale from one to ten. No he doesn't appreciate anything I try to do to bring the family closer, and no he isn't aware that I'm so upset over this simple meal. It's the little things that brighten up my day sometimes, but it's also the little things that can get you so uptight and sensitive about, until you get really depressed just remembering that it happened. After being hit by realisation, I know now that not even my own father I can trust. And that's something that has always bothered me. Families doing simple things together; they really seem so blissful and contented. I envy but what can I do? This world is far too complexed for comprehension, whether it's within a family, politically or even romantically.

All the H5, I'm excluding Nanny, are undergoing serious emotional fixes. Some of us still dwelling in so much uncertainty, and yet we choose to not fret and be happy with what good we have hold of. We're all pretty much in the same situtaion where we are stuck in between what reality portrays, and what we would rather believe. It's called optimism intially, but as time prolongs the tormenting pend, it really can be cruel of the other party. Due to facing such fixes often, I tend to get eccentric. I feel so lost without his attention most of the time. Life will continue, with or without. But somehow, it's still different.

I spent a whole lot on shopping today, and the feeling I get from that isn't something glorious or pleasant. I'm chatting with Nanny and Pris at 2.25am to be precise. My internet connection died on me for 3 hours. I spent this 3 agonizing hours trying to occupy myself with something else than thinking of him.

So I woke up with puffy eyes this morning. I met Nique up first to shop for my H5 plus Nanny. I bought a bag for myself; Dana has the exact same bag, only that hers is navy green. We shopped around for the 2 who weren't present today but I wouldn't consider it successful shopping. Nique and I met Pris, Phoebe and SiYuan to continue our search for Christmas presents. Nique broke my plastic carrier, and she was proud of her doing. We had Long John's for dinner and I didn't finish up my food as usual. Anyway, Nique and Phoebe bullied me today - they were making fun of my clock-head and Phoebe was doing that Dana-touching-the-chin thing. I came home with my feet painfully swollen from the unhealthy footwear, and I watched Dead Poets Society with sis. The movie was marvellous. Ahemahem, I miss you (:

Dana's stranded outside. She had a huge tiff with her family and has decided to flee from home. I offered her to come stayover for the night but she refused to accept the offer. I hope she's fine outside since I'm not allowed to chat on the phone for too long because the two bitches in my room would rather save the phone for their own usage.

I felt cheated from everything that I wished was real. I wanted to be away from the hard work and pretence that I could prolong my tolerance for all these work. All I could think about was you, and I bet it doesn't work both sides now. You know, the more I'm trying to wipe you clean off my mind, the more thoughts of you are absorbed. I laugh all the time whenever you're around and whenever we speak to each other, because I never wanted you to undergo the pressure I would inflict on you if you were to be aware of how much insecurity I'm suffering from. I put on a clown just to please you. But it seems that you weren't pleased with what I tried to hard to attempt at just to cheer you up a single bit. I get paranoid everytime your weathers change toward me, and I cry more than you could even imagine. I look emotionally strong to you, because I make it seem that way to you. You will never be able to interpret my story. I feel too complicated for your liking and for you to understand. Everynight, I cry beneath the sheets of my sweet dreams. I dreamt of you last night. I wished I would not have gotten up from that sweet slumber. I wished that my breath would just stop the moment I had actually felt you corresponding to my love towards you. I wish I hadn't have to act out the parts whenever I see you. I hate the thought of letting go and moving on, when at the same time I'm bearing the thought that you might just return someday. You've instilled hope for Us from what we heart-to-heart conversed that night. Every ounce of me aches for you, like now. Don't treat me like an unfeeling toy, because everything you say and do affects me a great lot. If only you would spare me a little more time to try rekindle affections once again; if only you wouldn't cast me aside so easily; if only you take me seriously with every word I say to you. You're all that fills me, which is why I am incomplete now. Fill the last piece of the puzzle. Fulfill this pending. Don't tell me things which you don't mean.

H4 and Nanny slacked at Starbucks' today. We were at the topic of dreaming, not fantasizing dreaming, but literally sleeping dreaming. We were exchanging the strangest experiences and stories. Today wasn't very good. I'm irritated and pissed with Joel and Freddy, more with Joel though. I will insist on excluding him from the group. I hate my ComDI group, and my groupmates, except Nanny. My mother should really close that gap of hers since she has no idea what I've gone through today. Joel was 3 hours late and he didn't even make the effort to turn up for project meeting today. Screw his ComDI alone. When I'm extremely upset or stressed, I bellow all my food out, and I think it's called purging. It's been a pattern for more than half a year.

I don't know why I'm trying to hard for you. I don't know why I have to fake magnanimous strength infront of you when those are actually tears taped behind the curtains. I've never mentioned your name in all my entries, because I know you would be displeased knowing I publicised your name. It's my weak side that you hate. I have made dozens of glorious speeches about being able to carry on without you around. I'm crying and begging you to love me the way you could. You just chose not to. I have cried so hard, and it's your fault.

My eyelids and chest are heavy. I don't know why I'm living my life so hard when noone's here to make me feel good about myself for trying so hard. This deluded life and this endless drama; end it all.

Forgive me for every little wrong I did or every right thing I failed to do for you to see.

Freddy insisted on informing the group members for ComDI project about the group discussion tomorrow. Tomorrow is important because we'll be getting down to finalising the presentation details. Surprise surprise. Freddy forgot to contact any of them regarding this and it's already the end of the day. So now I have to try organise this disorganised team I'm working with. The male gender always tends to be more irresponsible. I'm sure guys reading this would have to admit and agree at this statement to a certain extent although it isn't 100% correct. Guys are atrociously unreliable. But anyway, sorry Freddy, if I did flare up at you just now. Stress and pressure is getting to me hard.

So I managed to finally get my salary, but it's only a measly sum of $281.50 because they have already banked in the other half of the amount. I'd really much rather them putting the whole amount into a cheque instead. It looks better, the figures I mean. I bought my CDS textbook today.

My mood took a fucking rapid downturn. Fuck I hate guys. I hate you. You're never here.

Update-12.03am
He spoke to me online. These were the words that clinged onto me so deep.

surrender my heart, body and soul. says:
to u la to u la
nique = NEE KUEY! says:
hahaha
nique = NEE KUEY! says:
LIAR LIAR LIAR.
surrender my heart, body and soul. says:
BELIVE IT OR NOT BELIEVE IT OR NOT BELIEVE IT OR NOT

Someone kill me this very moment.

H5 bought our shoes to get them painted next week. We're doing a signature shoe. Freddy's setting up this T-Shirt company on Meowmoo (that's the name of the brand). I have to pick up some vector graphics skills from him. Our subjects last semester were more all-rounded. Now it's just for us to shape our own circle of knowledge and to decide what we will eventually become in the future. I think my presentation today went on well. Phoebe did pretty okay too (don't worry Phoebe). A few screwed up due to nervousness. I think it's because they haven't been presenting for the last two months that their presenting and speech skills have gone rusty. H5 bought a lock for our very own personalised cupboard in the studio workspace. Each of us has got our own key and access to the cupboard. Plans have been changed once again, and so we'll be going to the art museum on Friday, since there is no entrance fee and the place is open up till 9pm. Movie review and group project for leadership&character's proposals are due next week. Got this new IMDP1 project. Work load is increasing and there's so little time to accomplish everything.

I feel fat, maybe I am. I need a jog.

Project - The Mandarin Hotel chain in Singapore wants patrons to choose the restaurants in their hotels for all their holiday feasting. (eg, Christmas, parties, for individuals and companies). You are part of a design house in Singapore. Present possible design solutions in the electronic medium to this problem. Propose your solution/s.

Balls. I can't believe what I just saw him write in the testimonial sent to me. My heart beats skipped so fast at the mention of him being near me today when Ingrid told me he had come down with her during the break, although I didn't get to see him in the end. I don't know why I'm beginning to slink away from wherever he is. I think it's the tremendous fear. Dana and nanny, you must give me a few hoolas on psychology. I need to read his mind.

This message goes out to all secondary school
graduates, and soon-polytechnic-goers.

This year, Temasek Design School has decided to bring forward the interviews and taking in of
students that are interested in joining the school. Temasek Design School will be holding
interviews and taking in students in December 2004. *Interviews will be held at Design School on 23rd December 2004, and those interested will need to call in to Temasek Design School to register.


There are 5 courses in Temasek Design School. They
are as followed, in random order (with courses'
abbreviations):

Interactive Media Design (IMD)
Interior and Architectural Design (IAD)
Visual Communications (VSC)
Product and Industrial Design (PID)
Apparel Design and Merchandising (ADM)


Minimum requirements - Pass O Levels and the passion for designing!

For further enquiries, please either send me a message via email at ph7_@hotmail.com or visit www.tp.edu.sg for more details about Temasek Design School and its design courses.

***NOTE***Those interested in joining the school and going for the interviews, please call Temasek Design School (Number : 67805133) to register your name for interviews.

Spread the word!

We have a new member to H5, though H5's name will stay intact. The newly recruited and welcomed is none other than SiYuan, our nanny. He's a joker, so he fits the bill in perfectly, just like the 5 of us. I have IMDP1 presentation tomorrow and I'm not really confident on my speech and presentation skills even though I've been at this for almost 7 months. My ComDI group didn't manage to go to the museum today because it closes at 7pm and we ended lectures at 6pm, so we're planning to have an internal field trip to the museum with the whole IMD clan.

Nobody really cares about the interior anymore. People often judge one another just because the others aren't as high-up-where-they-are, or maybe they just don't fashion their hair the way the crowd does, or maybe they despise others just because interests aren't similar. The world's just too hypocritical for me to want to grow up. I wouldn't wish to grow older to witness through a society whereby people refuse to accept one another for who they genuinely are. I want to meet the people with the beautiful interiors.

Thank you for once loving me. Thank you for setting this much an impact on my life. Thank you for changing me. I will live by the words you once told me. They weren't big words, they weren't profound speeches, but they meant more than any of that. I will shine on account of the words you once said to me.

"I've got a feeling I'll be sticking by you for a very long time, dodo".

ComDI wasn't as bad as I had expected it to be. Felix let us watch a bit of Mona Lisa Smile, and I'm having the urge to watch that movie now. Maybe I'll rent the video at the shop next time I visit the shop. Siyuan, Ingrid, Phoebe and I waited for Dana and Priscelia for a long time for their lecture to end. I went to return the VCD I borrowed last week, and the fine was $3. I didn't get to meet Ryan as planned because I would have been very late, and knowing Ryan, I don't think she'd be a single bit pleased at my latecoming. So we all ended up meeting Nique and Joo. They were dressed today with the theme 'Twins'. We met Leslie later and shopped around for Pat's birthday present. I got Pat this pink OP T-shirt and she seemed surprised to receive a present, as if it isn't her birthday that we're attending this chalet. Eileen went for the chalet too! Surprise surprise. I haven't spoken to her in more than a year. My feet is hurting because of the shoe I wore today.

He called me just now, but it was all for work, and he didn't intend to call to ask me anything. He called me because he couldn't get to Dana and he needed me to get Dana for him because he thought I was with Dana. But yes, he called me. I couldn't believe my eyes when I saw his name blinking on my handphone. I was thrilled and yet I was upset at the end of that call. These few days that he has been out of where I am, has really helped me very much in terms of how much I think of him. The more I see or get in contact with him, the more I feel as if I'm plunging into the valley all over again. Anything else will be cast aside for the time being, until I consider him as nothing else but a friend. I don't want to get into other emotional involvements knowing that he's the only one now that can really make me happy. I'm sorry if I sound like a jackass, but all I want to do is make it up to you when I can. All will reveal its self in due course. Let the time be ripe. Feelings might grow, they might perish as well. I'll never know what will happen as time passes. Everything is beyond our control and the things we really want and need don't seem to within my grasp. Only heaven knows.

I wanna be fair to you from now. Please forgive me...

My god I just spent so much on materials for projects - cartridge paper, cutting board and coloured paper. I'm going to press Swensens for my pay tomorrow with Priscelia. If it's not ready by tomorrow I'll be writing in to the headquarters a feedback letter, and Tampines outlet will get it big time from their bosses. Initially H5 was all walking on their own without me during materials-shopping period, but it turned for the better towards the end. Siyuan joined us today because I'll be doing ComDI projects with him since Freddy didn't contact any of us when he promised he would. Oh well. ComDI at 12noon tomorrow. I don't know why I'm tired, but I am. Tomorrow's Pat's birthday chalet, and I'll be going down with Nique, but I'll be meeting Ryan first to do a bit of catching up. I hope I'm never going to drift away from H5, they're practically the only friends I have now.

I just came back from a jog! (Under sister's influence, and under all that guilt and weight gained from that KFC dinner meal just now.) Now I'm rooted to my seat sipping my water, and planning for my first IMDP1 assignment.

So many things to remind me of you and you're never around. I miss you.

Dad's painting the frontdoor grilles, Mum's bathing the dog, Sis' been at her diary for hours, and I'm here online chatting with Nique and Ryan. I've downloaded tons of Mariah Carey's tracks today; her songs are pretty good. Sentimental. Ryan's going to pick me up from school after lectures end at 3pm on Monday, and we're going to do some catching up. Ryan reminds me of Kenny Rogers'. I need to get started on my projects and assignments; there're so many I don't know where to begin. I think I will after I blog in this.

You're the reason I believe in love :)

11.26pm-
Sis and I just bought a canvas shoe for $6, and I bought myself a purple penknife for $0.60. Sis and I painted the shoe with acrylic paint. There's this mosaic-rose at the sides of it. It looks rocking! So fun. Tomorrow meeting H5 up to go to the art museum together. Exciting!

Dana, I'm not angry anymore. I love you baby (:

I bought another pair of shoes, but those shoes shoes, they're feminine shoes. Shopped at town with sis, mum, and sis' best friend. I bought my A5 sketch books. Nique says she saw JayZhou today at the airport. AND SHE DID NOT EVEN TELL ME AT THAT TIME! Today I spotted lots of funky stuffs to give away as presents at town. I'm just waiting for my long-dued pay. I have to start doing research for ComDI project. We're going to the art museum on Sunday! Oh boy it's been so long since I last stepped my foot in there. Finally I'm getting to relive my secondary school days once again. I have to meet Jinga on Monday to pass her something. I want to meet Nique up for a movie soon! Nique if you see this please respond. Thank you!

Happy birthday Taufik!

I did what I needed and wanted to do today. Lifedrawing with Dana was horrendous; she made me shout during lecture because she was distracting me from drawing. I have Typography tomorrow, which I'm really looking forward to. Everyone says it's fun. I developed the photographs from my digital camera. And all of the pictures turned out fantastic, though a little small. After school, the girls and I went to collect the photographs, and we headed to the hair-do place. I had my hair trimmed, and I steamed it. I'm happy with my little change in look.

The special days will never fade ((:

School was alright for me today. Had leadership and character; initially I thought I was sorted in the same lecture as Jiaxin, but turned out that Jiaxin ended up with Enrique. Lunched with Jiaxin and Priscilla, and Enrique conveniently slotted himself in between and joined us. Waited more than 3 hours for the next lecture, and I don't know how I passed all that time. My contact lens were getting dry and my eyes felt so heavy. I must be walking around school with horrendous eye bags and dark rings. I need to go collect my pay from Swensens and I need to go collect the photographs I had sent for development today. They're going to be wonderful.

I miss your shits. But I have decided not to initiate contacting you or messaging you. You can't know although you need to know. Non-sense? I'd rather see us forever as friends, than holding the thought that one day you might ignore me forever on knowing that I love you. It's rubbish I know. But shit happens. But it's okay, I'm cool (from Lawrence).

I'm so tired. My focus is decreasing, I am drained of my energy. I'm running a race and I'm losing it. Everyone's up ahead of me and I want to catch up, only I haven't found the source of my strength. Fact is, I'm not happy. I'm laughing but none of it is genuine. I am really tired. Time to burn in my projects and forget the world of romance. There's no place in the city of love for a girl like me. Misfit.

My top 10% ((:

This message goes out to all secondary school graduates, and soon-polytechnic-goers, who will be interested in joining the Temasek Design School.

This year, Temasek Design School has decided to bring forward the interviews and taking in of students that are interested in joining the school. Temasek Design School will be holding interviews and taking in students in December 2004.


There are 5 courses in Temasek Design School. They are as followed, in random order (with courses' abbreviations):

Interactive Media Design (IMD)
Interior and Architectural Design (IAD)
Visual Communications (VSC)
Product and Industrial Design (PID)
Apparel Design and Merchandising (ADM)


Minimum requirements - Pass O Levels


Details will be posted up on bulletin as soon as possible. Please be alert and look out for further notices. Any interested or any enquiries please contact me my email at ph7_@hotmail.com or you could send emails directly to www.tp.edu.sg.

Thank you ((:

The day started out with Colour lectures. The minority group is from IMD, whereas the rest mostly came from IAD or ADM. The lecturer wasn't as bad as Richard Wee; thank goodness I didn't get him for this. Had this 3 hour break after that, and so I decided to follow Lawrence and Jason for lunch, where we met Chris Weishan and Stanley. H5 joined us for lunch not long after that. Visual Composition wasn't that bad too afterall. Pek Gek was insisting on formality in addressing her. Bon, Alden, Siyuan and Eunice's in the same VisCo lectures as I am. Pris' LifeDrawing has switched to mine and Dana's. How nicely sorted out now.

I haven't seen him today. You know, there is nothing better than hearing his voice and knowing he's bothering. Sets my mind at such soothing ease. I hope I'll be seeing him tomorrow. I miss him. I miss the times we had. And everyday I'm praying and hoping that someday things would return back to when they were. He's the cause to all my moods, happy or sad, high or low. Noone could ever displace him from how he's so endearly held in my heart. Nothing anybody says will shake what I'm feeling for him. Just looking at him feels like my fears had all shattered a million hectares away from where I'm standing. It's crazy, isn't it, the impulse? It's crazy how my blood rushes to my head everytime he speaks to me, and how my heartbeat flutters in quick beats. It's weird how my fingers turn cold as I think of him and type, and it's weird how I want him to know how much I need to know I love him, yet I dare not due to so many goddamn reasons. I get so obsessive with him and with loving him, that his messages will always be at the top of the inbox messages list, so that his name will be the first when I open my inbox. It's disappointing, when I've waited an entire day for you to send a bit of love or concern, and non shows up, not even in my phone. It's irritating when when I think of him, nothing wise churns out from my so-called wide vocabulary. I stumble on my words and I fall down on them, and I can only focus on him and him alone. It's stupid when I type all these entries dedicated to him, yet he will never discover even the site (I would never allow that). It's amazing how one single sign of lost of interest I feel from him can affect my mood for days. It's not normal, that he's turned me down this many a times, and yet all I'm doing is to love him even more than the day before, and I'm telling myself constantly that love will eventually conquer it all, and that he'll eventually return by my side. It's unlike me, that he has inflicted hurt unto me so many occasions, and yet I'm speaking good words for him, and I'm giving a million reasons for him leaving me, for me not being good enough for him to belong to me. All these months, I blamed us for the separation. It's contradicting, when I know love pains this much, yet I remind myself that love will take a turn, and that love will reign and bring much more joy someday. I hate it when I mention the word 'love' in an entry, it makes me sound like some lovesick psychopath, yet I can't help it when I'm referring about him. I don't want to give it all up, I'll never be able to forgive myself if I just let it all go this easily. I'm working hard for what I need, that's all.

Well, after all that's said, can you feel me needing you?

Communicating Design Ideas - 2 projects lasting for 15 weeks. I'm panicking a bit because the lecturer of this module is none other than the infamous Felix Cheong. Sighs. Bad day today. Nobody took me seriously when I told everyone I wasn't feeling exactly in the mood for the hee-haws.

Every morsel of me is aching for you to be right here, so that I could tell you everything. I've to act the clown everytime you're around, just to convince the world I'm over you. Fact is, deep down I'm just afraid of being turned down all over again. You need to know what you're putting me through; all these mind games, all these emotional spurs. But somewhat, I can't bear even the thought of you ignoring me all over. I need to ask you so much, yet I can't bring myself to mouth the words I have to say. Then, maybe I'll wait. I'll wait for you.

I won't talk
I won't breathe
I won't move till you finally see
That you belong with me

You might think I don't look
But deep inside and corner of my mind
I'm attached to you
I'm weak
It's true
Cause I'm afraid to know the answer
Do you want me to?
Cause my heart keeps falling faster

I've waited all my life to cross this line
To the only thing that's true
So I will not hide it's time to try
Anything to be with you
All my life I've waited
This is true

I'm getting the jitters from anticipating the start of school tomorrow. I don't want to go for Leadership & Character alone. I don't want to be in Communicating Design Ideas alone, nor do I want to attend Moses' talk at two tomorrow.

Spent the entire day quarrelling with my mother, with my sister at one end signalling me not to retalliate, and my mother at the other end hurling all sorts of faeces from that gap of hers.

You make me happy (:

All these under my tab, all credits to my POSB savings account.

Converse Shoe - $76
Beach Slippers - $5
Lunch - $26
Sister's present - Unrevealed

I never confessed to you, that I've been missing you. I don't know how it all started, but it did anyway, and it really shouldn't have, because now it never stops for good. How my mood is is how you affect it usually. I think about the good and the bad times, the good and bad memories we had, and they're all things I really keep so close to my heart. Another chance, and I would prove to you, that I have changed and gone this far just for you. Just a word, and I'll get it accomplished. Just a whisper, and I'll have it all done for you. You see, all this while, I think I might not have gotten over you after all. I want to give it an attempt no matter how wide the differences between us are. Don't you see? It doesn't matter if it will be mutual between us, it doesn't matter whether I'll be accepted by you again. All I want now is for you to spare me your ears, to just listen to me love you. Hear me yelling for you, stretching my arms just to reach you, yearning to touch you, even if it's just once more. I don't care how much pain you've inflicted, I don't care how far you're going to go ignoring me after all this, I just want to be close to you, even if it's for a second. I need you to know. Break yourself from the oblivion and save me some pain, could you do that?

I took another step towards you. I initiated. It was all worth the pride set aside. I hope you felt me.

Had a hearty chat with Nique and Kayson last night. Seems pretty awkward to place both of their names together in a sentence, but that's the way it goes. Nique and I were reminiscing of the times that we shared together, and what happened later on, which both of us were oblivious to. Many times we took each other forgranted; of course, I was more guilty of that than she was. From the whole conversation last night, I actually came to realise how much I've changed the past months ever since I entered poly. A new phase of life definitely has to be packaged along with changes. Those times will always be missed, and I'll always think of those times. But, things just won't be the same as it used to. Not anymore.

School's restarting this Monday, and I'm not very much looking forward to it, although I really am (to the academic part). I'll be seeing you everyday Monday onwards. Help me, help me put out this flame. I remember the look in your eyes on our return home; you had told me that you'd be sticking by me for a very long time. How did that long time come to such a stop? I can't overlook all that you've said to me which meant the world. My world fell piece by piece, and I'm left dispersed, in search of someone exactly like you. You said we had too many differences that kept us distant, but it wasn't the differences which kept us apart, and left me broken. It was obvious for everyone, that you had a change, a change of heart, a regret in that decision you made. I want to shout out to all, that I don't want to be closeted. I've pretended to be found when someone else tried picking me up, I've faked happiness when you asked me about my someone new. I've tried to hide it all; that I've been secretly waiting hour after hour anticipating your name on my phone; that I've been trying all this time, to relive by memory what times we shared, what memories we made.

You wished me love. You wished me you.

Taufik won the competition and reigned as the first Singapore Idol. He's so charming. Many girls are queuing up to get hitched with him. This fetish for malay guys is developing and growing in me. Sylvester did well too, but not as well as I thought he would do. But he has that little boy look girls like (not me though). I preferred his version of 'I Dream', as compared to Taufik's. Like I said, Taufik is magic, and he had me mesmerized by his singing style, his voice, his face, his character. My my.

So semester two's timetable is out.

Monday Comdi- 12til3
Tuesday Colour- 9til12
VisCo-3til6
Wednesday LDSCHR- 9til12
IMDP1- 3til5
Thurday LifeDrawing- 12til3
Friday Typo- 9til12
IMDP1- 3til6

I'm having serious sunburns on my back now, and they're hurting badly. The sun was scorching today, and I guess Jinyu and I couldn't take much of the heat, so we decided to shop at town after tanning for less than two hours. I bought a top from topshop (no humour intended there), and I'm pretty satisfied with my tan. Took pictures with Jinyu, have uploaded them.

Timetable for semester two will be release tomorrow morning at 10am. Pretty nervous and excited. I hope I get my electives and CDS of my choice. I hope the H5 gets their choices of subjects too.

Taufik sings to blow people away. Sylvester sings to romance his audience. But I voted Taufik anyway, and five times at that. I hope he'll be the last one standing. Taufik's magic.