H4 and Nanny slacked at Starbucks' today. We were at the topic of dreaming, not fantasizing dreaming, but literally sleeping dreaming. We were exchanging the strangest experiences and stories. Today wasn't very good. I'm irritated and pissed with Joel and Freddy, more with Joel though. I will insist on excluding him from the group. I hate my ComDI group, and my groupmates, except Nanny. My mother should really close that gap of hers since she has no idea what I've gone through today. Joel was 3 hours late and he didn't even make the effort to turn up for project meeting today. Screw his ComDI alone. When I'm extremely upset or stressed, I bellow all my food out, and I think it's called purging. It's been a pattern for more than half a year.

I don't know why I'm trying to hard for you. I don't know why I have to fake magnanimous strength infront of you when those are actually tears taped behind the curtains. I've never mentioned your name in all my entries, because I know you would be displeased knowing I publicised your name. It's my weak side that you hate. I have made dozens of glorious speeches about being able to carry on without you around. I'm crying and begging you to love me the way you could. You just chose not to. I have cried so hard, and it's your fault.

My eyelids and chest are heavy. I don't know why I'm living my life so hard when noone's here to make me feel good about myself for trying so hard. This deluded life and this endless drama; end it all.

Forgive me for every little wrong I did or every right thing I failed to do for you to see.