It's Christmas Eve, and I've bought all the necessary presents for those who deserve it. I just finished my typo assignment and I'm all prepared to run to my room and jump onto my bed. I guess my mother would never understand. I don't know how to make her. I think I'm underestimating the stress I'm going through.

He came into bloomington today to say hi. I don't know if he did it for me, or to find Ingrid or Dana. God knows who he wants to find for next, if not me. I ignored him like what I set out today to accomplish. I did it, whether it hurt me or him, or whether it didn't. It's Christmas Eve, and somehow, it's empty knowing I'm spending it alone this year. There isn't any other way than to be impartial and treat him the way he treats me. I'm no spare thought, I'm no toy. I'd rather he be mean than pretend to love and continue being dishonest with me. So much emotional confusion and despair that it's hard to accept anything he's said or will say. Guys will always be guys. I've come to a conclusion that I haven't understood guys a single bit ever since I've turned straight. My hopes have died on him. All these will come to a permanent halt. I promise. I will pick myself up. Men won't have a way with me anymore.