It's Phoebe's 18th! Had a terrific day today. Dana Priscelia and I took a bus down together to fareast. Nique Joo and Yuani met us there. We took a wrong bus that ended somewhere near Great World City. H5 plus Nanny went for sushi buffet at Suki Yuki Yaki. The food there was alright, not as good as expected though. We bought 2 brownies with tiramisu ice cream on it. I hope Phoebe enjoyed it as much as I did. H5, Nanny, Fiona and Amanda took neoprints together. Headed for NYDC's because they needed to have their dinner.

I went through magic today. It was a ride I remember I had once been on but long ago forgotten. Adrenaline surged right through me as you held me tight. No words were needed; everything was honest. The thought of that moment of us right there kissing makes me lose my senses. I know I'm where I should be and it is you that I belong. So in love when we're together.

Happy Birthday to you! Happy birthday to you! Happy birthday to Phoebe! Happy birthday to you!

Wishing you a very happy birthday and may you always be happy in whatever you do.

My Year 2005 Resolutions-

1. Achieve top 10% in IMD Year 1
2. Utilise the left hand as the dominant hand
3. Being a good family member and friend
4. To look towards optimism
5. Cast aside all hatred and rid them off for good
6. Earning more keep
7. Passing my grade 8 piano practicals examinations so that I can move on to teaching course
8. Being consistent in my faith in God
9. Being less materialistic
10. Loving to the fullest
11. For the world to live in peace and much harmony
12. To mature up further
13. Being the best I can for Her

Death toll risen to 55,000 from 23,000 within a day. What saddening news to knock the world awake. It's about time anyway. People all over the world from different countries and states are contributing to aiding the people who lost their families during this tragedy. It's upsetting to know you can't do anything but to watch from afar and try as hard with all your might to want to help, but all you can do is to sit by the television set and pray to the Lord throughout the day, thinking of other ways to offer help other than chipping into the funds and donating necessaties. I hope the Lord blesses all those who are in need of his blessings, and may the One above be with every single one of everyone always. May the loss of loved ones not be as if loss of life, but instead, gaining of a new life, though it's easier said than done. I'm praying hard, Lord I am. I blame myself for being fortunate, even though I wish no misfortune to befall unto me.

Some of the campdesign 2004 students added me back at messenger's, and I realised I miss my Aker babies, and a few from the other groups. They invited me to one of their gatherings just, and I'm thrilled. I hope I have time to fit in this outing.

You kiss magically, did I ever tell you that? It is in your arms that I know I'm surely safe, that my heart's resting just perfectly with you. Thrice, and you're still making me want you more. May our story set examples for forlorn lovers. I've been saving smiles for you.

I'm sorry to say, but God isn't being really fair to those people on the other side from where I am. Here I am in the luxurious comfort of my study room plus airconditioning in safety, and there the people are suffering from all sorts of natural disasters. Mother nature's a jinx, and I'm sorry to say. Here I am, typing this entry like I always blog after returning from something, and there they are, fleeing away from something they can't for their lives. I feel so helpless when such things arise from nothing, and I can do nothing but to keep them in my fervent prayers. In times like this, everyone needs God, even I. I need God to constantly remind me of how fortunate I am, and I need God to constantly step on my conscience, reminding me to pray for others who aren't as fortunate as I am. This new year comes along with new ambitions, new goals and targets, new people in my prayers, and many new resolutions. God has made more-than-obvious signs to me more than often to tell me that I've been too conceited, but I was too blind to burn away that reality-cataract. This year has been a very self-centred year, a year where I've been so blinded by success and ambitions and luxury. I've not been sacrificing much to receive anything. I've not been cherishing people around me when I've already lost people so dear to me. Once bitten not twice shy, yet. I haven't got myself burnt enough from the things I've experienced. I'm afraid of dying, even though I've tried to end life with a thought of a second. Life is silly, human nature is eccentric. Noone's really sure of what they really want until they witness it being taken away from them before their very eyes. And I'm not going to be one of those. I'm going to love until it hurts; I'm going to give until there's absolutely nothing left to give; I'm going to change for the best. Some things in me are just afraid to lose what I cannot afford to ever lose although I'm aware that they will eventually be lost. But heck, I'm going to try. For everyone's sake. For her sake.

So Lord, this year, bless those more unfortunate than I am.

I feel like doing something crazy. For example, standing at the edge of the breakwater at the beach and sobbing so hard, then bursting into hysterical laughter and being happy that I cried it all. It's days like these that I feel so lonesome with noone to really be bothered with me. Maybe it's paranoia being paranoid. This feeling sucks. I really need to purge my dinner, chocolates and logcake out, and I need free my thoughts; I need to cry. Christmas day itself was too conventional and monotonous for celebrating joyously, then again maybe it's just the lacking of substantial company. I can't believe this feeling I'm getting from your treatment towards me. It's the third time chemistry frictioned, and it's never happened before. In a way, I'm fearful of all the negative events repeating.

Truth is, I'm never happy, and that I'm selfish. Who isn't?

Merry Christmas to the world. It's a beautiful 25th December 2004 and I'm happy that my whole family's at home together today. I'm awake at 11.17am whereas the rest are fast asleep. Mum's not feeling well and I think so is the rest of the family, except me. Dad got all of us Christmas presents which came as an utter surprise because it's only last two years since he did a thoughtful thing like this. Dad got us chocolates (guylian truffles), Mum bought me a new bottle of CK1 (yay!), and June bought me this oriental cheongsam looking bag (really rad). They're all very practical and wonderful gifts.

Finally found someone that knocks me off my feet
Finally found the one makes me feel complete
Started over coffee, we started out as friends
It's funny how from simple things the best things begin
This time it's different it's all because of You.

I want you to see this before it's all too late. I love you.

It's been the best Christmas Eve ever today! I got to celebrate today with H5 plus Nanny, and on top of that, I got to see ahemahem. Phoebe and I waited pretty long before the rest arrived. But anyway, we exchanged presents and it was so sweet. Nique gave me a candycane, Nanny got me this really cool pen, Dana got me this spaghetti top, Pris got me a pencil case, Ingrid got me a pencil case (what's with pencil cases?) and Phoebe got me a pair of boygirl earrings, Jinyu gave me this stick with my name on it. They're the best presents I could ever receive. Nique and Phoebe will be clubbing at Monks today, and I'm left out from all the fun. But anyway, I'll be joining mum and sis for midnight mass later, before we exchange presents again when we get home after that. I wish my dad was around to join us in little joy such as these.

The joy you bring; I want it to last forever (:

It's Christmas Eve, and I've bought all the necessary presents for those who deserve it. I just finished my typo assignment and I'm all prepared to run to my room and jump onto my bed. I guess my mother would never understand. I don't know how to make her. I think I'm underestimating the stress I'm going through.

He came into bloomington today to say hi. I don't know if he did it for me, or to find Ingrid or Dana. God knows who he wants to find for next, if not me. I ignored him like what I set out today to accomplish. I did it, whether it hurt me or him, or whether it didn't. It's Christmas Eve, and somehow, it's empty knowing I'm spending it alone this year. There isn't any other way than to be impartial and treat him the way he treats me. I'm no spare thought, I'm no toy. I'd rather he be mean than pretend to love and continue being dishonest with me. So much emotional confusion and despair that it's hard to accept anything he's said or will say. Guys will always be guys. I've come to a conclusion that I haven't understood guys a single bit ever since I've turned straight. My hopes have died on him. All these will come to a permanent halt. I promise. I will pick myself up. Men won't have a way with me anymore.

03-36's PC isn't equipped with a drive F, thus creating more hassle for me, that I have to walk all the way to the bookshop, cyber centre and then back to the room just to present a project I would probably fail. SekJhia said he saw in Wahida's scoring sheet that she gave me an F for this assignment when she did comment and compliment my presentation. I shouldn't be failing. Then again, maybe there's Sek's eyesight's failing him. Leadership and Character was fun today. The 4 plus nanny went to Bedok reservoir to do me and Dana's drawing. It's been a long and tiring day today. I miss my 5 and our nanny.

I don't need a lover. I just need to live on the simple things that keep me contented. I don't need or want to see the disfiguration of relationships, nor do I wish to witness any separation this Christmas. All I ever needed were the simple things you say and do to keep me striving harder. Something's missing this time though, and I'm sure that missing thing is you. Today you walked past my lecture class and peered over into my class, and then you initiated messaging me. I was floating, I swear I was. This is how capable you are of making me happy. I hope you're not capable of that to others.

Sometimes, you get me so confused and wary of you. Everytime I'm in doubt of your words or actions or what you fail to tell me, my reservations toward you return. I'm really confused, and in doubt.

11.42pm
I'm going to sound barbaric here but I'm really disturbed and upset. It's the second time that I'm finding out so much about you towards me from others instead of hearing it from you directly. Thank you, you just made me cry over you again.

My eyelids are pulling me into slumber, so I'm pretty much semi-conscious now. Hagefive had dinner together at Bedok interchange's hawker, and the coconut drinks were upsized for just $1.20 for the whole drink. I got home and immediately started working on my projects. I've been at it for more than 5 hours already. As you can see, I'm tired but I have so much to say.

He says things to confuse me sometimes. I don't want to elaborate since I'm shagged. I didn't feel the butterflies when he gestured hi to me today; I usually get them. I miss ahemahem, and I have been throughout the day at intervals.

Freddy helped screw the project big time, with the uncredible trust of Mud. He screwed the entire presentation. It was just unbelieveable. Over that, the girls had lunch together with Nanny. I finished the outer wheel of my colour wheel. I've got the inner one but I have people telling me there are altogether 3 wheels - the normal one, the darker one and the lighter one. As for IMDP1's first project, I haven't the slightest clue of any idea to package the whole presentation, but I have this premonition that a lot of work and effort is required. VisCo; I don't know why I took on this subject just for the sake of the credit units. Even the lecturer doesn't make me change my impression of the module. Fucking stressed. To add to the horrible day, Alex made us wait more than half an hour for him to pick 2 fucking necklaces for a friend. I wouldn't want to remind myself of my impression of him. But, blech.

On a lighter note, I got to see my Aker baby Khai! And, Nique and her 2 friends came over to pass me VCDS. (Yes Phoebe, I have your long awaited Incredibles now.) Nique gave me her Christmas present to me. She bought me a wallet, with the designs of The Nightmare Before Christmas. I like it a lot! Thanks!

Mornings like these are memory-worthy. Mornings like these compensate for every bad night before spent. And I'm happy for mornings like these. So now the beautiful morning is going to evolve into an afternoon and I have a line of assignments and projects to meet deadlines for. Guess what? I have projects and assignments from every subject, and all due this week. Christmas in arriving in less than a week. I'll be bustling at home finishing my work today.

-ComDI group presentation
-Colour wheel assemble assignment
-Visual Composition's 4 exercises
-IMDP1 hotel proposal
-LDSCHR movie and group proposal
-LifeDrawing assignment to draw the reservoir
-Typography good and bad ad typography presentation

10.48pm-
So today I saw how much my Dad loves me, which really equals up to zero on a scale from one to ten. No he doesn't appreciate anything I try to do to bring the family closer, and no he isn't aware that I'm so upset over this simple meal. It's the little things that brighten up my day sometimes, but it's also the little things that can get you so uptight and sensitive about, until you get really depressed just remembering that it happened. After being hit by realisation, I know now that not even my own father I can trust. And that's something that has always bothered me. Families doing simple things together; they really seem so blissful and contented. I envy but what can I do? This world is far too complexed for comprehension, whether it's within a family, politically or even romantically.

All the H5, I'm excluding Nanny, are undergoing serious emotional fixes. Some of us still dwelling in so much uncertainty, and yet we choose to not fret and be happy with what good we have hold of. We're all pretty much in the same situtaion where we are stuck in between what reality portrays, and what we would rather believe. It's called optimism intially, but as time prolongs the tormenting pend, it really can be cruel of the other party. Due to facing such fixes often, I tend to get eccentric. I feel so lost without his attention most of the time. Life will continue, with or without. But somehow, it's still different.

I spent a whole lot on shopping today, and the feeling I get from that isn't something glorious or pleasant. I'm chatting with Nanny and Pris at 2.25am to be precise. My internet connection died on me for 3 hours. I spent this 3 agonizing hours trying to occupy myself with something else than thinking of him.

So I woke up with puffy eyes this morning. I met Nique up first to shop for my H5 plus Nanny. I bought a bag for myself; Dana has the exact same bag, only that hers is navy green. We shopped around for the 2 who weren't present today but I wouldn't consider it successful shopping. Nique and I met Pris, Phoebe and SiYuan to continue our search for Christmas presents. Nique broke my plastic carrier, and she was proud of her doing. We had Long John's for dinner and I didn't finish up my food as usual. Anyway, Nique and Phoebe bullied me today - they were making fun of my clock-head and Phoebe was doing that Dana-touching-the-chin thing. I came home with my feet painfully swollen from the unhealthy footwear, and I watched Dead Poets Society with sis. The movie was marvellous. Ahemahem, I miss you (:

Dana's stranded outside. She had a huge tiff with her family and has decided to flee from home. I offered her to come stayover for the night but she refused to accept the offer. I hope she's fine outside since I'm not allowed to chat on the phone for too long because the two bitches in my room would rather save the phone for their own usage.

I felt cheated from everything that I wished was real. I wanted to be away from the hard work and pretence that I could prolong my tolerance for all these work. All I could think about was you, and I bet it doesn't work both sides now. You know, the more I'm trying to wipe you clean off my mind, the more thoughts of you are absorbed. I laugh all the time whenever you're around and whenever we speak to each other, because I never wanted you to undergo the pressure I would inflict on you if you were to be aware of how much insecurity I'm suffering from. I put on a clown just to please you. But it seems that you weren't pleased with what I tried to hard to attempt at just to cheer you up a single bit. I get paranoid everytime your weathers change toward me, and I cry more than you could even imagine. I look emotionally strong to you, because I make it seem that way to you. You will never be able to interpret my story. I feel too complicated for your liking and for you to understand. Everynight, I cry beneath the sheets of my sweet dreams. I dreamt of you last night. I wished I would not have gotten up from that sweet slumber. I wished that my breath would just stop the moment I had actually felt you corresponding to my love towards you. I wish I hadn't have to act out the parts whenever I see you. I hate the thought of letting go and moving on, when at the same time I'm bearing the thought that you might just return someday. You've instilled hope for Us from what we heart-to-heart conversed that night. Every ounce of me aches for you, like now. Don't treat me like an unfeeling toy, because everything you say and do affects me a great lot. If only you would spare me a little more time to try rekindle affections once again; if only you wouldn't cast me aside so easily; if only you take me seriously with every word I say to you. You're all that fills me, which is why I am incomplete now. Fill the last piece of the puzzle. Fulfill this pending. Don't tell me things which you don't mean.

H4 and Nanny slacked at Starbucks' today. We were at the topic of dreaming, not fantasizing dreaming, but literally sleeping dreaming. We were exchanging the strangest experiences and stories. Today wasn't very good. I'm irritated and pissed with Joel and Freddy, more with Joel though. I will insist on excluding him from the group. I hate my ComDI group, and my groupmates, except Nanny. My mother should really close that gap of hers since she has no idea what I've gone through today. Joel was 3 hours late and he didn't even make the effort to turn up for project meeting today. Screw his ComDI alone. When I'm extremely upset or stressed, I bellow all my food out, and I think it's called purging. It's been a pattern for more than half a year.

I don't know why I'm trying to hard for you. I don't know why I have to fake magnanimous strength infront of you when those are actually tears taped behind the curtains. I've never mentioned your name in all my entries, because I know you would be displeased knowing I publicised your name. It's my weak side that you hate. I have made dozens of glorious speeches about being able to carry on without you around. I'm crying and begging you to love me the way you could. You just chose not to. I have cried so hard, and it's your fault.

My eyelids and chest are heavy. I don't know why I'm living my life so hard when noone's here to make me feel good about myself for trying so hard. This deluded life and this endless drama; end it all.

Forgive me for every little wrong I did or every right thing I failed to do for you to see.

Freddy insisted on informing the group members for ComDI project about the group discussion tomorrow. Tomorrow is important because we'll be getting down to finalising the presentation details. Surprise surprise. Freddy forgot to contact any of them regarding this and it's already the end of the day. So now I have to try organise this disorganised team I'm working with. The male gender always tends to be more irresponsible. I'm sure guys reading this would have to admit and agree at this statement to a certain extent although it isn't 100% correct. Guys are atrociously unreliable. But anyway, sorry Freddy, if I did flare up at you just now. Stress and pressure is getting to me hard.

So I managed to finally get my salary, but it's only a measly sum of $281.50 because they have already banked in the other half of the amount. I'd really much rather them putting the whole amount into a cheque instead. It looks better, the figures I mean. I bought my CDS textbook today.

My mood took a fucking rapid downturn. Fuck I hate guys. I hate you. You're never here.

Update-12.03am
He spoke to me online. These were the words that clinged onto me so deep.

surrender my heart, body and soul. says:
to u la to u la
nique = NEE KUEY! says:
hahaha
nique = NEE KUEY! says:
LIAR LIAR LIAR.
surrender my heart, body and soul. says:
BELIVE IT OR NOT BELIEVE IT OR NOT BELIEVE IT OR NOT

Someone kill me this very moment.

H5 bought our shoes to get them painted next week. We're doing a signature shoe. Freddy's setting up this T-Shirt company on Meowmoo (that's the name of the brand). I have to pick up some vector graphics skills from him. Our subjects last semester were more all-rounded. Now it's just for us to shape our own circle of knowledge and to decide what we will eventually become in the future. I think my presentation today went on well. Phoebe did pretty okay too (don't worry Phoebe). A few screwed up due to nervousness. I think it's because they haven't been presenting for the last two months that their presenting and speech skills have gone rusty. H5 bought a lock for our very own personalised cupboard in the studio workspace. Each of us has got our own key and access to the cupboard. Plans have been changed once again, and so we'll be going to the art museum on Friday, since there is no entrance fee and the place is open up till 9pm. Movie review and group project for leadership&character's proposals are due next week. Got this new IMDP1 project. Work load is increasing and there's so little time to accomplish everything.

I feel fat, maybe I am. I need a jog.

Project - The Mandarin Hotel chain in Singapore wants patrons to choose the restaurants in their hotels for all their holiday feasting. (eg, Christmas, parties, for individuals and companies). You are part of a design house in Singapore. Present possible design solutions in the electronic medium to this problem. Propose your solution/s.

Balls. I can't believe what I just saw him write in the testimonial sent to me. My heart beats skipped so fast at the mention of him being near me today when Ingrid told me he had come down with her during the break, although I didn't get to see him in the end. I don't know why I'm beginning to slink away from wherever he is. I think it's the tremendous fear. Dana and nanny, you must give me a few hoolas on psychology. I need to read his mind.

This message goes out to all secondary school
graduates, and soon-polytechnic-goers.

This year, Temasek Design School has decided to bring forward the interviews and taking in of
students that are interested in joining the school. Temasek Design School will be holding
interviews and taking in students in December 2004. *Interviews will be held at Design School on 23rd December 2004, and those interested will need to call in to Temasek Design School to register.


There are 5 courses in Temasek Design School. They
are as followed, in random order (with courses'
abbreviations):

Interactive Media Design (IMD)
Interior and Architectural Design (IAD)
Visual Communications (VSC)
Product and Industrial Design (PID)
Apparel Design and Merchandising (ADM)


Minimum requirements - Pass O Levels and the passion for designing!

For further enquiries, please either send me a message via email at ph7_@hotmail.com or visit www.tp.edu.sg for more details about Temasek Design School and its design courses.

***NOTE***Those interested in joining the school and going for the interviews, please call Temasek Design School (Number : 67805133) to register your name for interviews.

Spread the word!

We have a new member to H5, though H5's name will stay intact. The newly recruited and welcomed is none other than SiYuan, our nanny. He's a joker, so he fits the bill in perfectly, just like the 5 of us. I have IMDP1 presentation tomorrow and I'm not really confident on my speech and presentation skills even though I've been at this for almost 7 months. My ComDI group didn't manage to go to the museum today because it closes at 7pm and we ended lectures at 6pm, so we're planning to have an internal field trip to the museum with the whole IMD clan.

Nobody really cares about the interior anymore. People often judge one another just because the others aren't as high-up-where-they-are, or maybe they just don't fashion their hair the way the crowd does, or maybe they despise others just because interests aren't similar. The world's just too hypocritical for me to want to grow up. I wouldn't wish to grow older to witness through a society whereby people refuse to accept one another for who they genuinely are. I want to meet the people with the beautiful interiors.

Thank you for once loving me. Thank you for setting this much an impact on my life. Thank you for changing me. I will live by the words you once told me. They weren't big words, they weren't profound speeches, but they meant more than any of that. I will shine on account of the words you once said to me.

"I've got a feeling I'll be sticking by you for a very long time, dodo".

ComDI wasn't as bad as I had expected it to be. Felix let us watch a bit of Mona Lisa Smile, and I'm having the urge to watch that movie now. Maybe I'll rent the video at the shop next time I visit the shop. Siyuan, Ingrid, Phoebe and I waited for Dana and Priscelia for a long time for their lecture to end. I went to return the VCD I borrowed last week, and the fine was $3. I didn't get to meet Ryan as planned because I would have been very late, and knowing Ryan, I don't think she'd be a single bit pleased at my latecoming. So we all ended up meeting Nique and Joo. They were dressed today with the theme 'Twins'. We met Leslie later and shopped around for Pat's birthday present. I got Pat this pink OP T-shirt and she seemed surprised to receive a present, as if it isn't her birthday that we're attending this chalet. Eileen went for the chalet too! Surprise surprise. I haven't spoken to her in more than a year. My feet is hurting because of the shoe I wore today.

He called me just now, but it was all for work, and he didn't intend to call to ask me anything. He called me because he couldn't get to Dana and he needed me to get Dana for him because he thought I was with Dana. But yes, he called me. I couldn't believe my eyes when I saw his name blinking on my handphone. I was thrilled and yet I was upset at the end of that call. These few days that he has been out of where I am, has really helped me very much in terms of how much I think of him. The more I see or get in contact with him, the more I feel as if I'm plunging into the valley all over again. Anything else will be cast aside for the time being, until I consider him as nothing else but a friend. I don't want to get into other emotional involvements knowing that he's the only one now that can really make me happy. I'm sorry if I sound like a jackass, but all I want to do is make it up to you when I can. All will reveal its self in due course. Let the time be ripe. Feelings might grow, they might perish as well. I'll never know what will happen as time passes. Everything is beyond our control and the things we really want and need don't seem to within my grasp. Only heaven knows.

I wanna be fair to you from now. Please forgive me...

My god I just spent so much on materials for projects - cartridge paper, cutting board and coloured paper. I'm going to press Swensens for my pay tomorrow with Priscelia. If it's not ready by tomorrow I'll be writing in to the headquarters a feedback letter, and Tampines outlet will get it big time from their bosses. Initially H5 was all walking on their own without me during materials-shopping period, but it turned for the better towards the end. Siyuan joined us today because I'll be doing ComDI projects with him since Freddy didn't contact any of us when he promised he would. Oh well. ComDI at 12noon tomorrow. I don't know why I'm tired, but I am. Tomorrow's Pat's birthday chalet, and I'll be going down with Nique, but I'll be meeting Ryan first to do a bit of catching up. I hope I'm never going to drift away from H5, they're practically the only friends I have now.

I just came back from a jog! (Under sister's influence, and under all that guilt and weight gained from that KFC dinner meal just now.) Now I'm rooted to my seat sipping my water, and planning for my first IMDP1 assignment.

So many things to remind me of you and you're never around. I miss you.

Dad's painting the frontdoor grilles, Mum's bathing the dog, Sis' been at her diary for hours, and I'm here online chatting with Nique and Ryan. I've downloaded tons of Mariah Carey's tracks today; her songs are pretty good. Sentimental. Ryan's going to pick me up from school after lectures end at 3pm on Monday, and we're going to do some catching up. Ryan reminds me of Kenny Rogers'. I need to get started on my projects and assignments; there're so many I don't know where to begin. I think I will after I blog in this.

You're the reason I believe in love :)

11.26pm-
Sis and I just bought a canvas shoe for $6, and I bought myself a purple penknife for $0.60. Sis and I painted the shoe with acrylic paint. There's this mosaic-rose at the sides of it. It looks rocking! So fun. Tomorrow meeting H5 up to go to the art museum together. Exciting!

Dana, I'm not angry anymore. I love you baby (:

I bought another pair of shoes, but those shoes shoes, they're feminine shoes. Shopped at town with sis, mum, and sis' best friend. I bought my A5 sketch books. Nique says she saw JayZhou today at the airport. AND SHE DID NOT EVEN TELL ME AT THAT TIME! Today I spotted lots of funky stuffs to give away as presents at town. I'm just waiting for my long-dued pay. I have to start doing research for ComDI project. We're going to the art museum on Sunday! Oh boy it's been so long since I last stepped my foot in there. Finally I'm getting to relive my secondary school days once again. I have to meet Jinga on Monday to pass her something. I want to meet Nique up for a movie soon! Nique if you see this please respond. Thank you!

Happy birthday Taufik!

I did what I needed and wanted to do today. Lifedrawing with Dana was horrendous; she made me shout during lecture because she was distracting me from drawing. I have Typography tomorrow, which I'm really looking forward to. Everyone says it's fun. I developed the photographs from my digital camera. And all of the pictures turned out fantastic, though a little small. After school, the girls and I went to collect the photographs, and we headed to the hair-do place. I had my hair trimmed, and I steamed it. I'm happy with my little change in look.

The special days will never fade ((:

School was alright for me today. Had leadership and character; initially I thought I was sorted in the same lecture as Jiaxin, but turned out that Jiaxin ended up with Enrique. Lunched with Jiaxin and Priscilla, and Enrique conveniently slotted himself in between and joined us. Waited more than 3 hours for the next lecture, and I don't know how I passed all that time. My contact lens were getting dry and my eyes felt so heavy. I must be walking around school with horrendous eye bags and dark rings. I need to go collect my pay from Swensens and I need to go collect the photographs I had sent for development today. They're going to be wonderful.

I miss your shits. But I have decided not to initiate contacting you or messaging you. You can't know although you need to know. Non-sense? I'd rather see us forever as friends, than holding the thought that one day you might ignore me forever on knowing that I love you. It's rubbish I know. But shit happens. But it's okay, I'm cool (from Lawrence).

I'm so tired. My focus is decreasing, I am drained of my energy. I'm running a race and I'm losing it. Everyone's up ahead of me and I want to catch up, only I haven't found the source of my strength. Fact is, I'm not happy. I'm laughing but none of it is genuine. I am really tired. Time to burn in my projects and forget the world of romance. There's no place in the city of love for a girl like me. Misfit.

My top 10% ((:

This message goes out to all secondary school graduates, and soon-polytechnic-goers, who will be interested in joining the Temasek Design School.

This year, Temasek Design School has decided to bring forward the interviews and taking in of students that are interested in joining the school. Temasek Design School will be holding interviews and taking in students in December 2004.


There are 5 courses in Temasek Design School. They are as followed, in random order (with courses' abbreviations):

Interactive Media Design (IMD)
Interior and Architectural Design (IAD)
Visual Communications (VSC)
Product and Industrial Design (PID)
Apparel Design and Merchandising (ADM)


Minimum requirements - Pass O Levels


Details will be posted up on bulletin as soon as possible. Please be alert and look out for further notices. Any interested or any enquiries please contact me my email at ph7_@hotmail.com or you could send emails directly to www.tp.edu.sg.

Thank you ((:

The day started out with Colour lectures. The minority group is from IMD, whereas the rest mostly came from IAD or ADM. The lecturer wasn't as bad as Richard Wee; thank goodness I didn't get him for this. Had this 3 hour break after that, and so I decided to follow Lawrence and Jason for lunch, where we met Chris Weishan and Stanley. H5 joined us for lunch not long after that. Visual Composition wasn't that bad too afterall. Pek Gek was insisting on formality in addressing her. Bon, Alden, Siyuan and Eunice's in the same VisCo lectures as I am. Pris' LifeDrawing has switched to mine and Dana's. How nicely sorted out now.

I haven't seen him today. You know, there is nothing better than hearing his voice and knowing he's bothering. Sets my mind at such soothing ease. I hope I'll be seeing him tomorrow. I miss him. I miss the times we had. And everyday I'm praying and hoping that someday things would return back to when they were. He's the cause to all my moods, happy or sad, high or low. Noone could ever displace him from how he's so endearly held in my heart. Nothing anybody says will shake what I'm feeling for him. Just looking at him feels like my fears had all shattered a million hectares away from where I'm standing. It's crazy, isn't it, the impulse? It's crazy how my blood rushes to my head everytime he speaks to me, and how my heartbeat flutters in quick beats. It's weird how my fingers turn cold as I think of him and type, and it's weird how I want him to know how much I need to know I love him, yet I dare not due to so many goddamn reasons. I get so obsessive with him and with loving him, that his messages will always be at the top of the inbox messages list, so that his name will be the first when I open my inbox. It's disappointing, when I've waited an entire day for you to send a bit of love or concern, and non shows up, not even in my phone. It's irritating when when I think of him, nothing wise churns out from my so-called wide vocabulary. I stumble on my words and I fall down on them, and I can only focus on him and him alone. It's stupid when I type all these entries dedicated to him, yet he will never discover even the site (I would never allow that). It's amazing how one single sign of lost of interest I feel from him can affect my mood for days. It's not normal, that he's turned me down this many a times, and yet all I'm doing is to love him even more than the day before, and I'm telling myself constantly that love will eventually conquer it all, and that he'll eventually return by my side. It's unlike me, that he has inflicted hurt unto me so many occasions, and yet I'm speaking good words for him, and I'm giving a million reasons for him leaving me, for me not being good enough for him to belong to me. All these months, I blamed us for the separation. It's contradicting, when I know love pains this much, yet I remind myself that love will take a turn, and that love will reign and bring much more joy someday. I hate it when I mention the word 'love' in an entry, it makes me sound like some lovesick psychopath, yet I can't help it when I'm referring about him. I don't want to give it all up, I'll never be able to forgive myself if I just let it all go this easily. I'm working hard for what I need, that's all.

Well, after all that's said, can you feel me needing you?

Communicating Design Ideas - 2 projects lasting for 15 weeks. I'm panicking a bit because the lecturer of this module is none other than the infamous Felix Cheong. Sighs. Bad day today. Nobody took me seriously when I told everyone I wasn't feeling exactly in the mood for the hee-haws.

Every morsel of me is aching for you to be right here, so that I could tell you everything. I've to act the clown everytime you're around, just to convince the world I'm over you. Fact is, deep down I'm just afraid of being turned down all over again. You need to know what you're putting me through; all these mind games, all these emotional spurs. But somewhat, I can't bear even the thought of you ignoring me all over. I need to ask you so much, yet I can't bring myself to mouth the words I have to say. Then, maybe I'll wait. I'll wait for you.

I won't talk
I won't breathe
I won't move till you finally see
That you belong with me

You might think I don't look
But deep inside and corner of my mind
I'm attached to you
I'm weak
It's true
Cause I'm afraid to know the answer
Do you want me to?
Cause my heart keeps falling faster

I've waited all my life to cross this line
To the only thing that's true
So I will not hide it's time to try
Anything to be with you
All my life I've waited
This is true

I'm getting the jitters from anticipating the start of school tomorrow. I don't want to go for Leadership & Character alone. I don't want to be in Communicating Design Ideas alone, nor do I want to attend Moses' talk at two tomorrow.

Spent the entire day quarrelling with my mother, with my sister at one end signalling me not to retalliate, and my mother at the other end hurling all sorts of faeces from that gap of hers.

You make me happy (:

All these under my tab, all credits to my POSB savings account.

Converse Shoe - $76
Beach Slippers - $5
Lunch - $26
Sister's present - Unrevealed

I never confessed to you, that I've been missing you. I don't know how it all started, but it did anyway, and it really shouldn't have, because now it never stops for good. How my mood is is how you affect it usually. I think about the good and the bad times, the good and bad memories we had, and they're all things I really keep so close to my heart. Another chance, and I would prove to you, that I have changed and gone this far just for you. Just a word, and I'll get it accomplished. Just a whisper, and I'll have it all done for you. You see, all this while, I think I might not have gotten over you after all. I want to give it an attempt no matter how wide the differences between us are. Don't you see? It doesn't matter if it will be mutual between us, it doesn't matter whether I'll be accepted by you again. All I want now is for you to spare me your ears, to just listen to me love you. Hear me yelling for you, stretching my arms just to reach you, yearning to touch you, even if it's just once more. I don't care how much pain you've inflicted, I don't care how far you're going to go ignoring me after all this, I just want to be close to you, even if it's for a second. I need you to know. Break yourself from the oblivion and save me some pain, could you do that?

I took another step towards you. I initiated. It was all worth the pride set aside. I hope you felt me.

Had a hearty chat with Nique and Kayson last night. Seems pretty awkward to place both of their names together in a sentence, but that's the way it goes. Nique and I were reminiscing of the times that we shared together, and what happened later on, which both of us were oblivious to. Many times we took each other forgranted; of course, I was more guilty of that than she was. From the whole conversation last night, I actually came to realise how much I've changed the past months ever since I entered poly. A new phase of life definitely has to be packaged along with changes. Those times will always be missed, and I'll always think of those times. But, things just won't be the same as it used to. Not anymore.

School's restarting this Monday, and I'm not very much looking forward to it, although I really am (to the academic part). I'll be seeing you everyday Monday onwards. Help me, help me put out this flame. I remember the look in your eyes on our return home; you had told me that you'd be sticking by me for a very long time. How did that long time come to such a stop? I can't overlook all that you've said to me which meant the world. My world fell piece by piece, and I'm left dispersed, in search of someone exactly like you. You said we had too many differences that kept us distant, but it wasn't the differences which kept us apart, and left me broken. It was obvious for everyone, that you had a change, a change of heart, a regret in that decision you made. I want to shout out to all, that I don't want to be closeted. I've pretended to be found when someone else tried picking me up, I've faked happiness when you asked me about my someone new. I've tried to hide it all; that I've been secretly waiting hour after hour anticipating your name on my phone; that I've been trying all this time, to relive by memory what times we shared, what memories we made.

You wished me love. You wished me you.

Taufik won the competition and reigned as the first Singapore Idol. He's so charming. Many girls are queuing up to get hitched with him. This fetish for malay guys is developing and growing in me. Sylvester did well too, but not as well as I thought he would do. But he has that little boy look girls like (not me though). I preferred his version of 'I Dream', as compared to Taufik's. Like I said, Taufik is magic, and he had me mesmerized by his singing style, his voice, his face, his character. My my.

So semester two's timetable is out.

Monday Comdi- 12til3
Tuesday Colour- 9til12
VisCo-3til6
Wednesday LDSCHR- 9til12
IMDP1- 3til5
Thurday LifeDrawing- 12til3
Friday Typo- 9til12
IMDP1- 3til6

I'm having serious sunburns on my back now, and they're hurting badly. The sun was scorching today, and I guess Jinyu and I couldn't take much of the heat, so we decided to shop at town after tanning for less than two hours. I bought a top from topshop (no humour intended there), and I'm pretty satisfied with my tan. Took pictures with Jinyu, have uploaded them.

Timetable for semester two will be release tomorrow morning at 10am. Pretty nervous and excited. I hope I get my electives and CDS of my choice. I hope the H5 gets their choices of subjects too.

Taufik sings to blow people away. Sylvester sings to romance his audience. But I voted Taufik anyway, and five times at that. I hope he'll be the last one standing. Taufik's magic.

The little girl accompanied her mother to the charismatic session today. My mum has told me several stories of the mother and child, and I've not witnessed such until today. The little girl was suffering from a severe case of Ezyma(a skin disease). I felt sympathetic towards the girl. I pitied her, which I felt I really shouldn't display. I underwent that torturing disease when I was a child, but it was just a fraction of what she was going through. The little girl had burn-like skin-peels all over her body and her face. Her mother looked weary; she was feeling the fatigue from the years of struggle bringing up her child whom she loved so dear. Her mother attended church activities and healing sessions, in hope of the Lord healing her daughter someday. The little girl sat in front of me, and she turned around several times to look at my sister and I. I was praying. Silence rose and occupied the chapel, when suddenly the little girl proclaimed the phrase thrice with her little voice,"we live in unity". She had chosen that phrase to ponder on for the prayer period. At that point, I admired her for being able to have done things I found embarrassing to do. I felt ashamed of myself, for living 17 years of my life being afraid of so many things, when an 11-year old child like herself was bold enough to speak out to the world.

This girl has left such a remarkable impression and impact on me. She'll never be excluded from my prayers from today on (:

I just saw him online msn, and he left without speaking a word to me. Ingrid blogged in her private blog, about her preferences in life. Damn I really shouldn't have read any of that. I feel like I'm about to cry any moment now. I miss you more. I need my Dana to talk to.

Yesterday was Dana's birthday. Dana, Pb and I went to catch the movie Taxi. Oh my god, that Gisele girl (whatever her full name is), she is so darn sexy. I want her undressed on my bed. Anyway, enjoyed myself very much. Met Jyren up for fags and drinks and game at Rocky Master's. Dana and Jyren decided they wanted to play games and do forfeits. Jyren, Pb and I waited almost an hour for a cab home. But it was fun.

Today was equally fantastic. The H4, without Ingrid again, finally made the decision to make an excursion to the zoo. We've been planning since Children's Day, but haven't executed plans until now. We were on a budget-excursion; I brought this whole box of cereal, Dana brought bread with canned tunas, Pris brought little cupcakes from Bengawan Solo, and Phoebe brought a huge bottle of stand-by water and candies. It was raining almost the entire day, so we didn't get to walk much. My slipper broke and I had to use the safety pin on my bag as salvage for the situation. I have this cut on my second toe on my right foot; really hurts. But to sum up, the day always is enjoyable with my dearest H5. I hope Ingrid is okay. She didn't seem emotionally stable last night when she messaged me.

Okay, next thing to look forward to - Suntanning with Jinga and Dana baby, and hair-do this Saturday!

I was explaining to Amin and Xiuyun about my reasons for quitting this job, and I don't know why I should cry, because I have no reason to cry, but I did end up crying in front of them. Sentimentalism was building up in me all this while, and I wasn't even aware of it until today. I'm going to miss work, but I can't live on the $4/hour. It's seriously measly. By next semester I'll be preparing and prepared for teaching piano hopefully. I need to set my goals clear and determined.

I keep make-believing, until nothing really seems real.

So I requested for a week off from work. I'm got this feeling I'm going to burst in tears any minute now, for many reasons. For one, I'm really drained out from almost all my energy from work, and I'm so reluctant to go to work these days when I used to enjoy it. Overworking is causing me to sicken with constant blocked and drippy nose. Anyway, I've made plans for next week - I'm going tanning with Jinyu on Wednesday and I'll be attending live charismatic with my mum (as promised). Religion's really not my type of thing, but I'm doing it just to please the old woman. Oh yes, I'm currently reading Danielle Steel's 'Silent Honour' now; her writing style is so subtle, yet the climax of the story's always effective. I miss my akers.

Sometimes, I wish I could settled all the blame on you for all that you've done to me, the pain you've inflicted before. But all that faded into forgiveness. I could never hate you; I could never dislike you. Hate never occurred from me to you. You don't know how much you make me want to be a better person, you don't know how much I wish I hadn't have to hide within, you aren't aware of why I send you messages more often than I do to others. I'm cushioning the whole blow myself, I'm dressing this wound on my own. You don't know how easy it is to fall all over again; it happens everytime I see you around. You left me, with so many impressions and traces you forgot to take back. Many a times I'm contemplating to drop you a visit while you're at work, but that will not happen. My mind was filled with thoughts of you as I was making my rounds during work; I was thinking about you whenever I felt the fatigue; I thought of you when it started raining, and I am thinking of you now. I hope you've thought of me today.

Managed to bargain over working hours with Raymond today from 12-11 to 12-9. A bargain of two hours. I need a tan, really. I need more time and energy to relax. Never in my seventeen years of living have I ever felt this worn out physically. Upcoming semester's timetable will be out on the 2nd Dec 2004, and I hope I got my first-choice CDS. Next week's my last week working hectic at Swensens. Praise the good Lord.

I've just read Dana's blog; seems like we're going round the same type of circles. Well, I guess such matters cannot be put into comparison. I think of him pretty often, I love him as much as I did months ago, maybe more (I don't know, honestly), but it's not the obsessive love that it used to be. I'm learning to be contented with what little I have. I don't need or want him to ask me out, I don't want to be told that my love is returned; I don't want my love to be returned (in a way), only because I'm aware that there's a possibility that history might repeat, and that lovers do let each other down, be it whatever ways and methods. On a serious note, unrequited and unreciprocated love can really put you down, in so many ways. But that's all negative. All I need now, is just for him to just think of me, as a past lover, as a friend. Either one will keep me satisfied; as long as I've been in his thoughts at least once everyday. The rest, will leave till later, when the issue needs to be addressed. In the meantime, I will keep my thoughts survive on positive roots.

You know, you will always have my love (:

Hindi movies, and storytellers, and fairytales often tells people how undying love is portrayed to be. They often give the message to its audiences to never give up on love, although love may seemed to have given up on humans. And more than often, you find yourself tearing at the sweetest parts of the story, at the climax of the story, or at the endings of the storys being told. Either way, the storys touch a part of you, and it stays as a part of you. It teaches you that love isn't really lost, even though absent physically. Love stays and endures till forever. It's hard to envisage a love, even after death, in heaven, but it does happen. Love lasts even till then. It's contradicting; if I were to say I'm a believer of love, but am not of God, only because God is love, and he created and made love.

I've just read finish reading a story, a true story of Mitch Albom's uncle, Edward Beitchman, titled "The Five People You Meet In Heaven".

The story taught me much, and I want to change my life and perspectives of life and love, and forgiveness, after reading it. While being sunken into the story while reading it, I imagined him* in the story, being with me. It seems that I've been searching for forever just to find myself being in love with him. Countless times I've reminded and warned myself not to be addicted to this cycle of love, but more than often, I find myself dissolving away from the staunchness I had. I don't want to give up on him, although many a times human nature and instincts tell me I should have a long time ago. I'm not going to give him up, although this whole situation might not be mutually reciprocated. I love him, and I know it well. I don't want to fake it and mask up a facade I'm not even comfortable being in. We may be two totally different people, but it's the magic of it all that draws two souls, though totally different, together, forever.

"Lost love is still love. It takes a different form, that's all. You can't see their smile or bring them food or tousle their hair or move them around a dance floor. But when those senses weaken, another heightens. Memory. Memory becomes your partner. You nurture it. You hold it. You dance with it.

Life has to end. Love doesn't."

What's an invitation without its sincerity? Yup, nothing.

This is something I've not blogged public and direct about, and I think I should right now, since I'm pretty much over this issue. Friends made me love and miss secondary school and its days, but at the same time, the 'friends' I had made me glad that I'm no longer there. You know, the cliques everyone was in, the Ret and Di clique, the Shereen clique, the YuYing clique, the Stella and Chuwen clique. This is pretty directed to all ex-4/1ers. I guess noone actually realised how insensitive they could get by forming and sticking in these cliques. Do you realise and notice the people who did get left out during those times of insensitivity on your parts? I guess not, and that's the reason why all of you still dwell in your selfish worlds. Not meaning to seem arrogant here, but having my H5 now really makes me glad I'm over you people, and over secondary school days. It was tormenting living those days, especially during O levels period, when I felt lonesome.

I like that song at the bottom entry. It makes me think hard of him. Songs he love make me think of him. I don't try to avoid the thoughts, only because I want to be filled with thoughts of him. It keeps me going.

Please, please forgive me
I know I won't be home again
Maybe someday you'll have woke up
And, barely conscious, you'll say to noone:
"Isn't something missing?"

You won't cry for my absence, I know
You forgot me long ago
Am I that unimportant?
Am I so insignificant?
Isn't something wrong?
Isn't someone missing me?

Even though I'd be sacrificed
You won't try for me, not now
Though I'd die to know you love me
I'm all alone
Isn't someone missing me?

Please, please forgive me
I know I won't be home again
I know what you do to yourself
Shudder deep and cry out:
"Isn't something missing?
Isn't someone missing me?"

And if I bleed, I bleed
Knowing you don't care
And if I sleep just to dream of you
And wake up without you there
Isn't something missing?
Isn't something...

Why, hello soulcleavage.com. It feels like ages since I typed a decent entry and I think it's high time I did so. I've been cooped up with work, since I requested for extra slog-hours. I worked from 12noon till 11pm today, so I'm really really shagged right now. My feet feels like it's been through a world war; imagine all the veins popping out of the feet. Pitiful, ain't it? I'm off tomorrow, but I'll be slogging for the reest of the week - overtime for the weekdays. Tomorrow's going to be spent with mum. I miss my family, and I miss my dad. I see families eating out at Swensens' and I felt envious. I miss the family days; I miss the saturdays when the whole family would visit granny. And I wish dad and mum could see this.

Oh yes, two days ago, this granny brought her two grandchildren, a grandson and a grand-daughter, to Swensens. She hardly ate, and at the end of the meal, her grandson was requesting so fervently for another scoop of ice cream. She got him that. And when the bill arrived, she took all the money she had in her purse to pay for her grandchildren's meals, every cent. I know it's every cent because I saw her emptying the whole purse. It's a really moving sight. It reminds me of my granny when I was young and still under her care. Things aren't the same now since I've grown up, but I do miss her. I miss the times when she doted on me so much; the times we spent together watching tv after homework everyday. Like I said, it's the little details in life that we take ever-so-forgranted, that matter the most when you've driven the whole circle, and find yourself missing something that you used to have out. Am I making sense?

Yesterday, he initiated an sms to me, which really surprised me. And needless to say, I was more than overjoyed to see his name in my handphone inbox once again. I felt good about myself and about the fact that he messaged me first.

Had a slight misunderstanding with Dana last night. But it really goes to show how much she really is held in my heart. This may sound really mushy and hair-raise provoking, but yes, Dana's one of my very much treasured friends right now. My H5 means so much to me. They're the reason of my survival in school and during this holidays besides the money I'm earning at Swensens'.

To Dana : Hey girlfriend. I'm so sorry if I really upset you last night. I was just getting worked up that you almost forgot all about us, and you forgot about telling us the slightest details. Because it's the tiny details that matter the most. You matter. I love you. -nudges-

I'm a happier girl than I already am. I got to see you. Anyways, I'm pretty much too shagged out to type a longer entry. Yesterday's CampDesign Bbq turned out superb. Thanks everyone who was there to make the day so wonderful. The collage at the bottom's a rough picture of yesterday.

You're probably dwelling in your own conceited world. And your world revolves around your cute guys and fair-weathered friends. It figures, since you are the exact type. I used to have the impression that you were going to change some day, but I'm sure I'm proven wrong, now that you've made friendship picture so ugly. You're anyone's and everyone's idea of a fair-weathered friend. If that's the way you're going to stay, I'm sorry I don't need friends like you. Good luck in finding that forever-friend who's as insensitive as you. I haven't the time and energy to entertain chlidish acts from you.

And I wish you were here to listen to me rave. I miss you so. I can't live everyday in pretense that I've gotten over you. I want to call 'darling' like I used to; my very own keepsake. I want to be able to be honest about my feelings towards you with you, without having to closet it like how I am now. No, I'm not thinking of you twenty-four-seven, but when I'm thinking of you, it's hard to stop; I eventually stop, then start again when I do start again. I can't overlook the fact that I'm looking out for you to be smiling at my stupid actions, or laughing at my silly accidents. I can't deny I still want you to notice me the way you did. I can't deny I want that attention back from you. I want you to be asking me out for simple non-date dates, and I want to be trying my best to be my best for that date. I wish I could get you back at the snap of my fingers, or even better, I wish I was the one getting over the things you said so easily like the way you forget mine. Undoubtingly, I haven't fully gotten over you; and everything's rushing back to me all over again. I can't jump past the fact that you and I are this different - our needs, our wants, our lifestyles. I wish I could change to take a step closer to being more similar to you.

Practiced piano and did this collage for H5's blog during my little spare time that I had.

I'm stressed out by work and the issue of my piano-teaching career.

I thought that it was long ago that I stopped spending long periods of time just thinking of you thinking of me. No, this isn't a 'plot' to make you come back. You probably won't even read this in your entire life being. I thought that I had already stopped harbouring thoughts of being around just to catch a glimpse of you long ago. I saw the couples strolling along the streets today, and something in me somehow wished we didn't have to split. You know, noone could have made me wake up in the early hours of the morning just to watch someone else draw, beside you. None other would have made my anger subside to a nothing when I was waiting at the train station for more than an hour, like you did. I wish I could have the same perspectives of life and relationships as you do, so that our thoughts would never clash like they did. How nice it would be, if we were similar in some ways other than both of us being crappy. But the fact is, we're two totally different people. And that I should just quit dreaming on things which just won't happen again.

Neoprint taken with H5 and Siyuan. Great fun today with them.

So the mother favours her very smart and intelligent daughter. There goes her share of my salary next month. Motherfucking bitch. I realise now that mothers aren't worth the extra effort to step forward to. I'll just let her be there with her church and whatever holy moly fuck. What good is a mother who doesn't appreciate your efforts to save her money. You know what, to hell with church. Time after time, she has made me hate her. I hope you bring your favourite daughter six feet under when you go. I don't want to see any of you.

You know mum, I feel hurt too.

Money issues aside (for once), and I'm just going to announce this - work was fun today! Dinnie was doing the same station as I was, so it was something really fantastic. I took over station 1 later on because the supervisor in charge was told to go home earlier. Dinnie and I spoke much more today; more and more each day. I have yet to get her number. I have two 12noon til 11pm shifts next week, which also equals to OT. I don't mind all that; I get to see her longer.

Tomorrow the H5's supposed to be meeting up together, but Dana and Ingrid seems so unkeen about the outing while I've been waiting a whole week for this. Quite disappointing but I shall keep further comments to myself.

Akers, Anubis, Cronus and Hestia BBQ this Saturday. A pity I can't be there to organise and do marketing for this outing; I'd love to. I'm very much looking forward to Thursday and Saturday.

I had to double task today during work; I was the setter and the food runner. That stinky danny made me do his portion of work for him. Dad fetched me home immediately after work when I specially requested for supper with the whole family. What a sad turn for the day. Very well, so we rushed home to catch The American Next Top Model, with Mac's food and canned peaches. Pretty interesting thing to do together. Spoiler part of the whole thing was, at the very end of the whole show, I had to open my big gap and say "Who bought these rosaries from Spotlight?" What a fucking stupid question to be asking. Anyway, the whole atmosphere got tensed up and my mum and sis started quarrelling over doing charity for one's aunt on just buying 3 leftover measly bracelets. So I very reluctantly agreed to pay for all 8 bracelets, knowing that I'd have to slog another entire day just to pay for them. Well yeah, my insides ached a little to fork out with that money. But my nice sister eventually agreed to pay for those 3 bracelets, taking a total of a $9 burden off my chest and thoughts.

Happy belated birthday greetings to my beloved Marion, and that long-lost brother of mine Lerjun.

I miss Marion very very much. I don't really know how to describe this anymore; I'm getting real bad with the mushy words, but I miss her this much, more than any amount of words can be put into; more than any paragraph of tribute can be paid; more than any testimonials can ever mean. I hope you're up there feeling the words I'm longing to say to you. Death doesn't separate friends; death only draws the friendship into eternity.

I'd better scram before my emotions get the better of me.

Something hit me while I was bathing, all in less than twenty minutes ago.

Blue, red, orange, purple hair and punk clothes don't define a designer; designers equip their wardrobes with t shirts and jeans, or whatever that makes them comfortable. It's what people make of themselves that causes designers to look the way they do now. All the funky hairstyles and crazy hairdos and colourings. I am greatly influenced and affected by the designer, Dennis Poon's speech that day, before the CampDesign happened. It was the method of marketing yourself and your works, rather than being rooted in front of the computer struggling all sorts of design. Of course that would be a plus point, but eventually it's still the way you market your works.

Done with that. On to work now; my shift's from 5 til 10 today. Seems like it's going to rain, since I just heard a blast of thunder over at the east direction from my computer. Last night I requested to work more before school starts; I need the income to tide me over Christmas shopping expenditures. I foresee my sis and mum buying me great stuff this year, and it wouldn't be nice if I had gotten them anything shabby like I always do, with the lack of thoughtfulness I carry. I'll be meeting Daryl and Nique (haven't informed her about this by the way) about the Christmas shopping spree this coming Thursday since the Akers BBQ isn't going to happen and I have urgent shopping to do before school starts.

The christmas tree has been put up, but the family's lacking of the string of lightings. Anybody kind souls out there to donate? We can't proceed to decorating the tree with ornaments before adding the lightings; it isn't complete you see.

I miss the H5, my Akers, and that wonderwoman with the lady-killer smile :)

I was working with her during work today. It was wonderful, yet tiring since today was Hari Raya. She smiled at me, and I got tingly all over. I love that feeling she gives me although she can be pretty nasty in her words. But she's still sweet. I love the way I indulge my glances in her. Sometimes I think it's just a crush, other times I think it's better off not to fall in too deep.

Nique told me to blog, so here is the entry. Enjoy Nique!

A pretty write up I found from bulletins at friendster. Thought I'd share them with people viewing my blog, as well as keeping this this composition of words to remind me of how much the Lord loves me despite all the negative thoughts I've been instilling in me and polluting my mind.

How are you? I just had to send you this letter to tell you how much I love and care about you. I saw you yesterday as you were walking with your friends. I waited all day, hoping that soon you'd want me to walk along with you, too.

As evening drew near, I painted you a sunset to close your day and whispered a cool breeze to refresh you, and I waited. You never came. Oh yes, it hurt Me, but I just kept on loving you.

As I watched you fall asleep last night, I longed to touch your brow. I spilled moonlight upon your face, trickling down your cheeks as so many tears have. Again I waited, but you didn't even think of me. I wanted so much to rush down so we could talk. I have so many gifts for you.

The next day I exploded a brilliant sunrise into glorious morning for you. But you awakened late and rushed off for the day. You didn't even notice Me. My sky became cloudy and my tears were the rain. Oh, how I love you!

Today you looked so sad and so alone. It makes my heart ache because I understand. My friends let Me down and hurt Me many times too. Oh, if you'd only listen. I really LOVE you. I try to say it in the quiet of the green meadow and in the vibrant blue sky. The wind whispers my love throughout the treetops and spills it into the vivid colors of all the flowers. I shout it to you in the in the thunder of the great waterfalls, in mountain streams, and I compose love songs for birds to sing for you.

I warm you with the clothing of my warm sunshine and perfume the air with nature's sweet scent. My love for you is deeper than any ocean and greater than the biggest want or need you may have. If you'd only realize how much I really care.

We will spend eternity together in heaven. I know how hard it is on earth. I know because I was once there. I really want to help you.

My Father cares for you and wants to help you, too. Fathers are just that way. So please, call on me soon. Just call Me, ask Me, talk to Me. It is your decision. I have chosen you. No matter how long it takes, I'll wait forever because I love you!

Your friend,

Jesus

After three days of sheer happiness and a day after that of wondrous reminisce of the three days, today has really got to suck this bad. Just compare, and tell me what I'm feeling now isn't childish negativity. I feel as if I need to cry it all out, although I know it's really nothing much to be crying about. All these days I've been working my wits out just to prove to myself that this isn't my limit, that I haven't even reached the climax of what I would claim as being hardworking. I work this hard to prove myself wrong; to prove everyone wrong about me.

And, so it speaks, life isn't fair. Sometimes, even best isn't good enough, and that's when you at that dead end whereby you find it difficult to turn back and spot mistakes along the way. And nope, I'm not going to shed tears of self-pity because the thought of it is revolting.

Then maybe, I am living life wrongly again, and I need to begin experimenting all sorts of ways to live this wretched life. So now I pretend life is a happy-go-lucky thing, which really makes me blind. To hell with adult politics if they're playing them on me. I've heard so much about them and I don't want to be involved in them in any way.

"Money is the devils' tool", that I agree. Money has got be so obsessed now that my world now probably revolves around friends, family and money. (Hans will slaughter me for this.) Life is all about superficiality, and hypocracy that comes along with it. And it's sick, the whole circle of life and it's suckers.

Living deserves a better name.

Just a few days of acquaintance and bonding can really get people attached to each other. For example, the camp over the three days was pretty short, yet so many people managed to bond so fantastically and they start enjoying each other's presence. I'm already missing the whole camp people. They're a bunch of funloving people, and I'm beginning to feel the pinch of reluctance letting go of the wonderful three days I had. I'm going to miss this whole experience (pun there on the 'whole').

I have developed this disability to sincerely and truly love someone, like I used to. I was having this chat with Nique, which made me realise several things about myself and my past relationship with her. The issue of this whole paragraph of words isn't about me wanting to love, but wanting to rid off this disability, because not able to love wholeheartedly can turn drastic. I need to know the remedy for a failed relationship, how to straighten things out when things go wrong instead of putting it off and eventually running away from it. But I'm not like that. People who love me or used to love me would definitely be aware of that by now.

I happened to bloghop, and I'm pretty glad I found this. No names disclosed. Feast your eyes on this man CampDesign leaders!

"Ive got sth to say .
TP Design School ROCKS .
As in seriously .
Rocks .
As in , ROCKS !

Ahha . I swear the whole camp was a blast ! I had so much fun ! kae , every camp I go to I have fun . but seriously this is realllly fun . to all you guys out there who had the opportunity to go but din wanna , you were wrong ! I think I’d regret if I were you that I din get the chance to go . that is how GOOD the school is . I mean , the ppl there are just SO FRIENDLY . think abt it , strangers ? friendly ? abit no link right . but hell no , they are so friendly ! (: made plenty of friends there . ttearss were shed today cos it’s the last day of the camp . kinda disappointed we din manage to win e best group award but at least it was a close competition betwn my group and Afro(?) ! yupp . all’s well ends well"

I would say today went on pretty fine. The mass dance, chicky dance and design chicky dance went on perfect. I would like to take this opportunity to thank Fairuz and Priscelia, for bearing with my overheaded behavior for the past few days. I would like to also thank Ingrid, Stanley and Khoon Han, for being such great leaders and organizers for this whole event, and for making it all happen. Next people I want to thank would be the GLs, especially those in my group, Tim, Jiaxin, Renxiang, XinJie, Max, Freddy, for working so well together with me even though everything was in a hurry. Last but not least, I would really wish to thank the AKERS for simply being my group members. Though your behaviors weren't the best, all of you were afterall my very own babies. I hope the AKERS liked what their GLs had come up with for the past few days, including the little present bag. Oh yes, we did the exotic version of the chicky dance too. It was pretty amusing, with everyone being so spontaneous. Oh yes, I got the award of the best GL, and my group was being such dearies by cheering on so supportively for me. It really means a lot to me, not that I'm being a braggard here. Please understand. Such a pity I forgot to bring my digital camera today. I'll definitely miss the fun and laughter I had these three days.

Hehs. I've been deprived from rest lately, with the 3-hour-plus sleeps I've been having. They're not enough. Worse, I'm working tomorrow. But it's fine with me, because tomorrow's a public holiday and I'll be paid 6/hr. I'll miss the people I hung out with during the entire camp. Am looking forward to such future events.

How much I wish for someone to truly be here, instead of pretending to be only at times when I'm required for my presence for my listening ears. How much I need your smiles now. How much I need you here although I hate to admit that I do. I can't comprehend the reason why something so simple can comprise of so many complicated thinking and thoughts, when all it really needs is just for two person to feel romantically mutual about each other.

I have a confession to make: I am terribly stressed out by CampDesign2004. One good thing about the camp is that H5 gets to bond at teamwork during the period of three days. We had mass dance practise today; Fairuz is my dancing partner and he's pretty quick and good at picking up the steps.

I can feel my dinner forcing its way up my esophagus. Maybe it's the extreme fatigue I'm undergoing, or maybe it's the lack of loving (as you know, I've always been staunch in love). I despise fakes, because they give me the impression that they're not trustworthy on the outside, which is a bad thing.

Alright now, I need a shut-eye. Goodnight blogger.

Leslie just called me on the mobile, asking me out next Friday to go out drinking or something. Am considering the invitation. Nique, Kayson and Stacey came to visit during work today, and it was an embarrasing encounter since I haven't seen them in a long time.

So I got to see her again today, and I'm really glad, because she and I spoke a wee bit more than we normally do, although it's nothing personal. She was smiling at me. I asked her why she always smiles, and she smiled more. I felt butterflies in my tummy, and it felt weird but good. Maybe this won't end as an infatuation after all, maybe this crush is here to stay and develop. I really don't know myself. I miss her, I miss taking quick glances at her, and I will miss this feeling for the next three days. I just know it.

CampDesign will commence tomorrow at 9am, but registration will begin at 8.30am. I'll probably turn up at school at 6.30am with the other SAs and GLs. I'm not going to screw this camp up.

After two fruitless days, today has finally had its turn. I'm glad I saw you. Do you feel likewise?

I'm and I'll be so busy with CampDesign2004 for the next 4 days, so bear with me while I mia a bit. 5 to 10 - work today. It's so packed, and the amount of rounds I had to make was uncountable, but there is someone who made it all worthwhile. Enough about that. I'm really tired, just plain tired and moodless to do anything else but chill to music in front of the computer chatting with H5. I need lots of fluid that my body has been deprived of. I'm dehydrated.

I need your smiles now. I need to perk my sudden depression, and reverse it all back to the happiness I received when I felt your smiles. I feel like a mess, and your smiles seem to be the only salvage to my sorry situation. I need to feel that sudden relief I felt when you were right near me. It's an obsession with your smile that is driving me insane. The strength I derive from watching you from a distance is immeasurable; it warms my heart. Cliche as it may sound, it's all true. Smile, because it makes my day so worthwhile. Even slogging doesn't seem torturous anymore; it's all for a good cause. I bet you aren't even aware of any of these.

All I wanted to do was to strive and work hard for what I really want. Is that too much for everyone to accept?

Still a little bit of your taste in my mouth
Still a little bit of you laced in my mouth
Still a little bit hard to say what's going on
Still a little bit of your ghost your witness
Still a little bit of your face I haven't kissed
You step a little closer each day
Still I can't say what's going on

Stones taught me to fly
Love taught me to lie
Life taught me to die
So it's not hard to fall
When you float like a cannonball

Still a little bit of your song in my ear
Still a little bit of your words I long to hear
You step a little closer to me
So close that I can't see what's going on

Stones taught me to fly
Love taught me to lie
Life taught me to die
So it's not hard to fall
When you float like a cannonball

Stones taught me to fly
Love taught me to cry
So come on courage
Teach me to be shy
Cause it's not hard to fall
And I don't wanna scare her
It's not hard to fall
And I don't wanna lose
It's not hard to grow
When you know that you just don't know

I'm anxious to be more than acquainted with you, but I don't know why or how. You spoke to me, and it brought me smiles. Your smiles were contagious; everytime you smiled at me, I couldn't help but return them. Maybe it's the way you strut your walk, maybe it's the way you do your hair. Maybe you're not the person I thought you to be, but it doesn't really bother me. What ever it is, you've got me attracted.

Today is mum's birthday. Didn't buy a gift so me and sis ganged up to make a banana split (influenced by Swensen's). It was a pretty sweet thing to do for someone's birthday. I would be moved to tears if my daughters (if I ever have any) did anything like that for me. Well, I'll have to be treating mum and aunt to lunch tomorrow, and they are planning on lunching at Swensen's at airport. A day off and I'm not spared from Swensens. Anyhows, happy birthday dear mum.

So I'll be spending my offday tomorrow with my mum, aunt and sis. My feet, hands and back are aching from the hustle and bustle everyday. They put me in charge of Alfresco again. Damn them for that. I'm looking forward to Friday's work. I look forward to work everyday now.

((=

All souls day was yesterday. Marion's mum coincidentally popped by at Swensen's. I could just cry standing at the al-fresco. It hit me that I've been neglecting my faith and religion. I don't want to have lesbian instincts in me because I don't want to be caught in confusion. I need to shift all my focus to my friends, work and school. That's it.

I can't wait to see you
Want to see if you still got that look in your eyes
That one you had for me before we said our goodbyes
And it's a shame that we got to spend our time
Being mad about the same things
Over and over again
About the same things
Over and over again

I remember the day you left
I remember the last breath you took right in front of me
When you said that u would leave
I was too damn stubborn to try to stop you or say anything
But I see clearly now
and this chose I made keep playing in my head
Over and over again

There were two new staff I took notice of because they were butches. Dinie looks cute to me; I like her hair. I'm collecting my spectacles tomorrow, which is something I've been looking forward to ever since I set my money on it. I was on the same shift as Priscelia today, so work wasn't that bad. Besides, I've got myself a new eyecandy during work.

Even though my boyfriend has no time to spare on dating for me and vice versa, and even though he's always asleep or at work when I need him most, nevertheless I still love him. I miss him very much. I hope our next month anniversary will be spent together, rather than being caught up with something else.

"You know what's distressing?? It's when you're so sociable and you can't find a single person to go out with you on days like this.."-Beastie-

The skies are outcast and it's supposed to be raining cats and dogs, but I'm only feeling the winds that are blowing into the house. I can't smell the rain, and I want to. Sighs. Oh.. it suddenly rained. Speaking of the devil.

It's a strange feeling, it really is. I've been in the other direction for nearly five years and suddenly I'm claiming myself straight, which doesn't feel as right as claiming myself lesbian. I'm feeling this way because I happened to chat with someone I used to crush on just last night, who happens to be a butch, and I'm feeling all tingly with the things she says to take me off my feet, like always in the past. I'm not even certain if she truly means it all, maybe it's just plain flirting, but it gets to me somewhat. Maybe I'm feeling this way only because my boyfriend doesn't say stuff to sweep me off my breath. It's the sincerity I'm looking at now, and guys sure lack a lot of those. Uncertainty and insecurity has filled me in right now; I need positive mind-strikes. Somehow, I'm missing being the way I used to be.

Don't kill me for saying that.

Never did I realise, until today, that anticipating a quarrel feels more horrid than witnessing a quarrel. Needless to say, I would rather have a quarrel-free weekend. I'm referring to my parents, over dinner just now. My dad was acting plain childish; the man he is and the amount of gentlemanhood he showcases. I wonder how ever did he had my mum smitten.

Hah. My manager didn't ask me to do OT today, and I'm going to request for OTs tomorrow. Alright you can call me crazy, but I'm doing all these only because I am obsessed with money and for the fact that I am penniless for this week. I'm on an extremely tight budget and I'd like to keep it this way, because I know I will be splurging once school re-opens. Something weird has happened last night just before I fell asleep. I was thinking about my financial situation, and I pictured myself slogging half the day working for that measly money when I can easily get another job at another restaurant, and I can easily go by the rest of the whole holidays without worrying monetarily. But that would really strike me off as an ingrate, wouldn't it? It seems that my reason for living now is for money, which really sucks because I'm not suppose to end up being like this, but I have. Before I forget to include, pay-day is soon, and I'll be getting my pay in a cheque. I'm wondering when that will be.

Mum's birthday is this coming Thursday, which shift I've switch with a colleague so that I'll be having the day off. I haven't gotten her any present but I'll be treating her to dinner, to any restaurant or eating place of her desire and preferance. My mum deserves much more than what my dad's giving her, and I'm going to make all that happen.

I'm tired. Alright, to sleep now.

I'm missing your bed
I never sleep
Avoiding the spots where we'd have to speak,
And this bottle of beast
Is taking me home

I'm cuddling close
To blankets and sheets
But you're not alone, and you're not discreet
Make sure I know who's taking you home.

I'm reading your note over again
There's not a word that I comprehend,
Except when you signed it
"I will love you always and forever."

Well As for now I'm gonna hear the saddest songs
And sit alone and wonder
How you're making out
But as for me, I wish that I was anywhere with anyone
Making out.

I'm missing your laugh
How did it break?
And when did your eyes begin to look fake?
I hope you're as happy as you 're pretending.

I am alone
In my defeat I wish I knew you were safely at home

I'm missing your bed
I never sleep
Avoiding the spots where we'd have speak, and
This bottle of beast is taking me home

Your hair, it's everywhere.
Screaming infidelities
And taking its wear.

-Screaming Infidelities (Dashboard Confessionals)-

12pm to 5pm is over, which also means I'm free for the rest of my Saturday. How nice. I've already paid a deposit for that pair of spectacles, and I'm pretty much excited to collect it on Tuesday. One of my colleagues today offered me Sticky Chewy Chocolate and some peanut ice cream, and it was heavenly. Now it's got me craving for more. I've got to stop the cravings for ice cream, it's been so often since I started working at Swensen's.

My dog's just had a hair cut and she looks so adorable, and she won't be called 'Flower Face' anymore by anyone. I'm looking forward to dinner now. Am changed and am heading out for dinner. I'm hoping to chat with the H4s tonight; I miss them.

And today was a better day than the previous two, because I got to see both my boyfriend and my friends. Went spectacles-hunting with Phoebe, and I got this really good buy for plastic framed spectacles (it's brown in colour by the way). $88 will have to come out from my upcoming pay. Phoebe got brown plastic rimmed glasses too, which is pretty cool because it seems we've got the same kind of range of spectacles. Well, a friend played out on us last minute, and she had to lie to get out of meeting us. Everything just didn't tally. I was double played-out in a day - first I was supposedly meeting Daryl to go out but she clean-forgot and went ahead making new plans. Ok with that, then Dana played out on Pris, Phoebe and I. But the day was fantastic I'd say.

Yay, so I've got work tomorrow, which means I'll be earning more bucks as the hour ticks by while I'm working, and I cross my fingers that I'll be required to do OT, so that I'll be able to get more money to go by this pitiful holiday. I need to slog this holidays onward. I am going to impress my world with what I will achieve.

So last night I had the strangest dream. In that dream, I had my wrists slashed, and the person who turned to my aid was someone I wouldn't ever want to see in my whole life (Names will remain private and confidential, and not disclosed). That particular someone took the blade and killed herself with it. And that was it, my dream. Of course the dream concluded with a whole lot of weeping and chaos. This really goes to show how much this suicide thing has gotten into my mind, to the extent that I even dream of it. I need to change all that.

I tried praying my insomnia-awakened nights to slumber, but prayer doesn't work(not a bit at all), so I've given up on praying. I just stare at the wall until I fall asleep. I've been getting body aches from the tossing and turning while sleeping this week. It's weird because I've never really had this problem before.

Hey, I'm feeling better than yesternight. Yesternight was horrid, and I wouldn't want to re-live anymore of that kind of yesternights anymore. I've got dessert/beverage/settings test later on with Priscelia at 5pm and I've not studied for it. I'll be working till 11pm tonight. This really sucks. But the thing to look forward to will be tomorrow's outing with Daryl. Come to think of it, it's been ages since I last met up with her, say, 5 months ago or so. I'm hoping to go town with her tomorrow.

Boyfriend, you're being missed.